A New Chapter Has Begun...

We all experience new and wonderful, and sometimes not so wonderful, things in life.  Our lives are like a book with many chapters that define and explain our life...

A new chapter in my life began once I entered into recovery.  You see, if I had just stopped using, I would most likely still have chaos in my life.  Addiction is not all about the drugs, it is the compulsive and obsessive behavior that we have, or I have.  The low self esteem, self-centeredness, and selfishness are all a part of an addictive mind.  These are the actions, emotions that help to drive us, or me, to use dope.  When using, I felt like someone.  Like I fit in.  I felt accepted.

Recovery for me is an inside job.  If I am not working on my recovery then my addiction is working on me.  And that devil of addiction will pop it's ugly head up at any given time in my day to day life.  But if I am working on me, loving myself, and understanding that I do matter, then I can keep that demon addiction from raising it's head.  Now, don't get it twisted, my addiction is waiting around every corner, down every path, and in others just to get me and kill me.  So as an addict, I understand that not using is not recovery.  So, a new chapter begins.

A little over 3 years ago, I got clean and have been that way ever since.  During this time I have also been working on myself.  Learning and relearning principles and how to apply them to my life.  That, for me, is recovery.  The things that I am learning and relearning are things that lots of folks take for granted.  Not me, I must stay mindful of my thoughts and actions throughout my day.

Knowing that doing the next right thing for the right reason will keep me in the middle of my recovery has worked miracles in my life.  New chapter, entered into recovery.  New chapter, my daughter and my family all understand my disease and what I need to fight against it.  They love me today, not judging me on my past.  A new chapter, I have my daughter back in my life with a relationship I would not change for anything in this world.  A new chapter, I grew up learning of God.  In my recovery, God takes my hand and I follow Him and I pray to Him asking for His will for me and the power to carry it out.

Once again, a new and wonderful chapter has begun, I am a grandmother!  As I begin this journey as a grandmother I am excited and a little afraid, but that is just because this is new, never having experienced anything like this before.  Becoming a parent, as well as I can remember, seemed to be this wonderful of a blessing.  Some of that I know is because I am a different person now than when my daughter was born. Don't get me wrong, she was and still is my blessing.  My baby girl and she will always be my baby girl no matter what happens..  She and I have worked on our relationship.  I have worked on my relationship with her step mother, for she did something that at one time I was unable to do, be a mother to my daughter.  That is what active addiction did for me.  It took everything I loved and cherished away.

This new chapter has been wonderful so far and I am feeling that it is only the beginning of great things to come.  Have not seen this new addition to my family but will be seeing her next week.  I am so excited and so proud of my daughter and her husband.  He, her husband, was a gem with her in labor and delivery.  He kept me posted throughout the entire day and night until this little bundle of joy came into this world.

New chapters in our lives are not always so wonderful and we can find it hard to see the blessing that it contains, but it's there.  You just have to look until you see it, recognize it so that it helps you make it through the chapter of life.  Yes, at times it is hard to find what the blessing is but when you do, your whole life becomes different.  You have a purpose to work toward and achieve.  New chapters can and are scary at times, but these are the chapters that make us what we are today.  They are the chapters that allow us to experience humility, to become humble, that allow us to have integrity, to learn spiritual principles and how to apply them in our lives.

Today, I look forward to each new chapter my life gives me.  I do the best I can to take full advantage of the lessons they contain.  My past chapters, no matter how difficult, make me the person I am today.  Going through things that I would have never dreamt of and coming out the other side stronger, wiser.  This new chapter is no different than all the past chapters.  It is just the next step in my life and molding and growing into the person I am suppose to be.

Thank you God and everyone of you that have and are in my life.  Those that stand by me.  Try to understand me.  And above any other, love me for me.  That is my recovery working.  God doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  I sincerely thank you all and I know that each of you are a small blessing in the chapters of my life that you are a part of.  I thank you for that and appreciate each one of you for the part or parts you play or have played in my life.

Another new chapter has begun...

Is it Really Worth It?

 

The inside of the house is painted and now we are in the process of sorting through, throwing away, and cleaning stuff as we go.  Some of these things I have not seen in over 3 years.  It is hard at times, because it brings about a wave of emotions that I didn’t think about having.  It lets me know just how far I have come in my recovery and my life.  Today, I know I am not the same person as the letter below portrays.

This letter was written years ago when I was in the throws of active addiction head strong.  Not thinking about anyone or anything other than MYSELF!  It is with my mama’s blessings that I share this in hopes that someone, anyone may read this and wake up and take back your life.  It is all up to you.  You are the only one that can do anything about your life:

It’s the middle of the night and I am unable to sleep because my eyes and heart are so full of tears, all over the loss of you.  What is it going to take for you to realize that you are making some bad choices?  The loss of your daughter, mother and father and the rest of your family doesn’t seem to bother you at all. In fact, it has all been your choice.

I’m not saying we don’t love you or that you don’t love us, but if you can’t find time to see us while we are still living – then don’t bother coming around or shedding any tears when we are gone. 

Your daddy and I are not in the best of health and we certainly aren’t getting any younger, but you just stay where you are and look after your ‘friends’ because they need you.

It’s been a year since you decided to leave this town and all of us here.  You seem to have managed to lose everything you ever had and now you don’t even try to get a decent paying job, because you know they will test you for drugs and you know, and I know you are using!

How stupid do you think we are?  You have changed so much in the last year, that I don’t even feel like I know you anymore at all.

This is a letter I have been thinking of writing to you for quite sometime now and it took your putting your friends first, yet again to trigger my action.  When I called and asked you to go with me to Columbia, I knew you wouldn’t, yet I hoped maybe you would.  Well, you proved me right, so as far as I am concerned right now I have lost a daughter, but I will dry my eyes and do the best I can to get over it.  I do love you more than I can say, but I cannot keep being hurt like you hurt me.

Just don’t bother calling me with your excuses and apologies.  I don’t want to hear them.  You take care of yourself and those you seem to care about.

If I sound upset, it’s because I am, but I’ll be alright and remember ‘I do LOVE you!

Your Mama

I share this letter just so that you, if you are using, in active addiction, or doing things that is driving a wedge between you and your loved ones, how your action hurt the very ones that love you more than anyone and no matter what, they want to help.  It is hard on them for they know that YOU, me, are the only ones that can ‘fix’ the problem.  Once you, I, decided that we do need help, then the healing can began.

Being in recovery is the best life I have ever had and I now understand how I hurt my family to their core.  But with the help of many and God, I have them back in my life.  They are my support to get from one day to the next.