Voices In My Head

"You can do this.  Just get one and no one need know about it.  I'll keep your secret."  "Don't  you do that!  You know what happened the last time.  If you use, you will lose."  "No you won't!  Go ahead!  Just one, that's all you will do, just one!"  "If you pick that up you will regret it from just like before.  You will never be able to get a high like the first one!  You are heading down that same road that leads to death and destruction."

"Don't listen to that.  Remember when you and I were such good friends?  We could talk about anything.  Using is fun and I know you want to.  So, yea, go ahead, get that first one and the rest well..."  "Yes, well... listen to yourself.  Yea, you know where that first one is going to lead you.  And if you start down it, there is no guarantee I can stay and help you get back this time.  Please don't do this.  This is not going to make things better.  Call someone.  You don't need to look for that list you have, you put them all in your phone already!  So, please call someone.  Before you start this cycle all over again, don't take it from me, CALL SOMEONE!!!  See if they don't tell you the same thing.  If you use you will lose!!!"

"Everyone up there be quiet.  I can't hear myself think.  You guys go to it like cats and dogs.  This 'committee meeting' needs to come to an end.  Do you really thing I can do 'just one'?"  "Sure I do.  You are stronger than you use to be.  Go ahead.  What's the problem?"  "The problem is 'YOU'!  Lying to her like you 'always' do.  Acting as if you are going to be her friend.  As if she can really do just one.  Please, give me a freaking break."

"Listen, y'all need to shut up.  If you don't, I am going to go crazy if I'm not already! There!  Now just hush for just a moment or two.  I need to think about this."  "Think about what?  Are you kidding me."  "What is there to think about?  You know what happens when you use, you just get that one.  Thinking that you can do that and no more!  You think you will stop after 'that one'?  Seriously???

"Yea, I bet I can now.  I do have some 'clean time' under my belt.  I don't see how I will do more than 'just this one.  Right?"  Sure, just one won't kill you." . You don't need to listen to that other voice.  It is just trying to break you down, get you alone.  I am trying to help you down this road that is paved with guilt and remorse.  You cannot wake that beast inside you again.  It is so much stronger than you think it is.?

"You see it will, if you use, pop up like no demon you have ever faced..  Please don't do this.  Stop listening to him over there.  He, the disease wants you dead!!!"  "Hush, hush, quiet please.  You two get started and you just will not stop.  I know that the good side is correct in what it is telling me.  But the bad side makes things so 'sound' so easy."

"You can not do this.  You will get caught.  You will lose your family, forever.  You will tear down all the 'good' that you have built in this process, and for what???  Just so 'you' don't have to feel your feeling??  You  know that there is no way to do that.  Not now, not ever!!!  "Yea, you can too!  'trust' me.  It won't be like before.  No one need to know.  Just go ahead and do it.  Show them you can do one and be okay.  You've got some recovery and you can do this."

"Wait, wait, wait!  Hold on now.  It's been locked away for 3 years.  Do you really want to wake it up?  I know thoughts have crossed your mind.  You have been asking yourself for permission to use.  Well, you are not getting it.  I will continue to talk because one day you just might have to use some of what I am reminding you of now!"

"Please God, make these voices in my head stop or at least calm down.  God, I know I can't use anything or anybody without everything going to hell.  Please show me Your will for me.  I am still teachable and I want to stay clean.  My life, well, I have a life now.  I have people that trust me, depend on me, :LOVE me today.  Lord you know what is in my heart, well, in my mind too, 'the committee'!  You know the person I want to be.  You know the person I have become today.  Nothing else can compare to the abundance of love, warmth and serenity that only You can give.  God, I am trusting in you, I am listening to hear what is next in my life.  I am turning everything over to You, for YOU and only You can guide me to and on the path that is meant to be.  Thank you God for caring about me and caring for me.  You shower me with Your love daily, hourly, minute by minute.  You have forever changed me by Your grace and Your grace alone.  Thank you."

Well, the committee meeting is over for now.  I must stay on this path God has allowed me to find.  He has shown me that my experiences can help others.  That I can share openly and honestly so that someone, anyone, can relate and know that 'this too shall pass'...

Straight From My Heart

WOW!  Can't believe that I have been writing this blog for a year on the 18th of this month!  If someone would have told me that this would become a part of my life, writing in general, I would have laughed at them.  Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be touching so many people, especially with my life experiences.

It is a very humbling experience to say the least   I thank God everyday for blessing me with another chance at life, much less a gift to share with others.  A chance to reach out and touch others  . To let them know they are not alone.  That there is, at least, one other person in the world that has experienced the same 'life on life's' terms and been able to go through it and come out the other side stronger.  Being able to see the growth from those experiences.  To share what I have gone through, what I have learned and how I deal with the events in my life today.

Yes, it is truly a humbling and gratifying experience.  I have said from the beginning that if just one person is helped, even just a small amount, then my blog has been worth the doing.and I must be as honest, open and forthcoming as I can be.  There have been some things that I have written about that I, myself, did not experience.  Because I knew what someone else was, or is, going through and saw first hand the growth they had after their experience, how could I not share with others?  I use no one else's name but my own.  Everything I write is in, for the most part, the first person.  Therefore there are risk of someone knowing exactly who had said experience.

To me, that would be completely and totally selfish, unfair to others.  There are so many addicts, people that deal with addicts on a daily basis, that have times they feel there is no way through what they were going through.  They can't see that 'light at the end of the tunnel'.  But if more people could get gut wrenching honest and share some of the knowledge they have, I know it would be a much better world to live in.  No one should ever have to be alone.

Life on life's terms in not easy and I have never said it was going to be easy.  What I have said, many times here, is that though it may not be the easiest thing I have ever done, it is doable.  If you do the footwork to get through whatever it is life has thrown at you , you will be a better person for going through it.

With just a little over 3 years clean, I am still learning today.  I know that I must remain teachable if I am going to be able to live in today's world and the terms that are spelled out for me.  And, not only have I learned a great deal already about myself because I am a recovering addict, I am also learning as a person that has a debilitating disease, fibromyalgia.   My life is far from worry free or pain free.

Most days have become a huge struggle for me.  For the past several months, there has not been a day that I have not hurt.  It has been so bad that all I can do is cry and pray that God will help me through to the other side.  I have been through enough experiences to know that if you have any relationship with your Higher Power, you can make it through anything.

There have been some along my path that have said hurtful things, doubted me and/or my zeal for my recovery, and have been just down right mean, not caring what they were actually doing to me.  Words hurt, sometimes they hurt much longer than you would like for them to.  People's actions or reaction to something you have done or tried to do in efforts to help another addict wanting recovery.  I know, for a fact, there will always be those that talk badly about you to others and you never know.  Then there are those that speak badly about you to your face in a way they think you have no clue what is actually being said to you, but I know.

I know when someone speaks badly about me to my face, they want to see if they are truly hurting me.  They want to bathe in my sorrows that they created.  The ones that talk about you behind your back, do it in a way that they truly hope you find out.  They are the ones that are true cowards.  They hide behind others, hoping you will not know who they are or which one of them said what.  To all I have and will always say 'bring it on'.

Nothing I do is for myself.  I do not do things just for kicks.  Nor do I in any way, shape or form think that I am above or better than the next person.  Now, there have been those that have tried to make me doubt myself, to make me think that I may need to relook at something.  Not today.  Yes, maybe when I first started this blog, I wanted to know what folks thought.  If it was helping someone, anyone.

I can tell you that today, yes, I am proud of myself.  For being able to reach out to so many people.  To let folks know that some addicts, most addicts want to get clean.  But unfortunately there are such barriers in the way that some just do not have the strength to work through them all.  Not all addicts will have the chance at recovery.  Some of us, addicts that is, have to die in order for others to live.  This I feel is the natural order of the disease of addiction.

Well, once again I say "Thank you" to you all!  Without you, I could not do as much or reach as far as I do to help that next addict.  That next mother, father, brother, or sister.  It is because of you that I am able to understand and follow through with what God has planned for me.  God is so very good!

That's all from me tonight.  Just hope this next year brings us closer, more friends and more knowledge of this disease called addiction.  I love each and every one of you and pray that God will light your path of life as brightly as He has lit mine.

Much love and respect to all...

Road Signs And Warning Labels

As I travel on my 'Road of Recovery', I see many road signs throughout my days.  'Speed limit' signs warning me that I am traveling a bit too fast and need to slow down so that I may soak up the lessons recovery is trying to teach me.  'Detour' signs telling me that I don't need to travel that path.  A different path would be better at this time.  'Construction' signs showing me how to build a foundation and network of recovery with other addicts.  'Caution' signs are abundant in my recovery.  Making me look at what I do, how I act, what I say all day and all night.  People are watching me and listening to me.  I need to make sure the things I say and do are a clear, correct message of recovery.

'Yield' signs pop up every now and then, warning me to be especially careful on how I proceed on my path.  And to be careful as to who I tell what to.  Not everyone that attends a 12 step meeting is there for recover.  'Stop' signs come along when I really do not need to continue on the part of road my recovery is traveling on at that time.  It is time for new a direction.  There are times that when you think a 'Stop' sign is coming, I will get a 'Dead End' sign instead.  That is when I must look at myself and ask was there not a 'Dead End', 'Wrong Way', or 'Detour Ahead'.

I feel that as long as I see those 'Two Way Traffic' signs that I am remaining teachable.  Now, there are those other signs like 'No U-turn', 'Bump', 'Do Not Enter', 'One Way', and 'Detour Ahead' that will pop up from time to time and I must take those as they come.  There are even those times that I have to put up a 'No Parking' or 'No Trespassing' myself for protection from things that I feel are harmful to my recovery.

Yes, my 'Road Signs in Recovery' are present every day and night.  If I do not show what I have learned and the experiences I have had in recovery then I am not only cheating myself but others that may be on a path that I have been down.  By sharing these experiences, it enables other addicts to see what the outcome may be and help them to decide if that is the path for them or not.

My 'Warning Labels' are also in every area of my life.  'Handle with care' so as to express a clean, clear message of recovery to those that are seeking it.  'Enter at your own risk' is a warning that what may seem to be something good for my recovery may not be as good as I think it would.  I must be aware of what I know is recovery and what I think recovery is.  At meetings, it seems I have a 'Shake Well' label on my forehead because of things others say, do, or just a look they may give.  And I can say that the label 'Should Finish All Medication' would apply to the 12 steps and Traditions themselves.

In working the steps and learning the Traditions of the fellowship, I could say that they 'may cause drowsiness' or 'should be taken with food or milk' due to the fact that I have to look at myself.  My part in all areas of my life.  I am learning 'how' to share with the newcomer so as to create an atmosphere that makes them comfortable.  A message that makes them 'hungry', so they want to come back for more.  I have learned that newcomers are needed to remind me or others just what it is still like out there, doing who knows what.

It is my understanding that 'a desire' to stop using is all that 12 step programs require for membership.  I can relate to this as in the beginnings of these programs there had to be folks that were in a very confused state of mind due to the substance or substances they had consumed.  Not all had clear thinking when they first came to the fellowship for help.  That is why today, I am at least, taught that anyone is welcome as long as they have 'a DESIRE' to get clean.  To stop using and find a new way to live without the use of mood or mind altering substances.  I have to be tolerant, accepting, open minded and willing to let that person be where they are at.  Because, let's face it, they did make it to a meeting to ask for help.  Though they may not be clean or sober, they are THERE!

That is all that is needed, for in the beginning the members of the fellowship were often in this exact state of mind.  Using because that is all they know to do until someone in the fellowship is willing to show them a different way.  A better way of life without using.  My predecessors have taught me that I must welcome a newcomer with open and caring arms.  That I am to have patience, acceptance and tolerance where they are concerned.  They don't know anything else but using, so why would anyone expect them to act any different than they know how???

That, for me, is when the fellowship is at it's weakest point.  For if there are members that do not embrace that newcomer, that member is not tolerant to the state of mind that newcomer is in, not accepting that at least they are showing the only thing required from them, that Desire.  Why is this so important?  How do the 'road signs' and 'warning labels' apply?  Give that a moment and I am sure that you can start seeing how my 'road signs' and 'warning labels' make perfect sense.

So, if you are a member of a fellowship of 12 steps, then I ask you 'how' do you treat a newcomer?  What do you do if they are high?  Are you accepting to them the way you want to be or the way you should be?  Do you welcome them and encourage them to keep coming back and to do the best they can to come back clean?  I really do hope that this has made you look at yourself for that is the whole idea, I think, of the 12 steps and Traditions.  I must look at me, how I do things, what I say, how I act, and all those uncomfortable questions that none of us really want to ask.  But that is exactly what 12 step programs are designed to do.

Do you have 'Road signs' and/or 'Warning labels' pop up where newcomers are concerned?  You should!  But it is my feeling while I would 'Proceed with Caution' with newcomers, I am still required to 'Treat them the way that I would want to be treated.'  No, that is not a sign or label, but what most have learned to be 'The Golden Rule'.