Death - Life on Life's Terms

With the extreme cold weather, sleeting and freezing rain, my heart is heavy.  Someone that meant a lot to me and my recovery passed yesterday.  He was a friend, brother, mentor, and a predecessor.  A teacher of the fellowships.  He was a Christian and he carried a message with him where ever he went.

It is still somewhat of a shock that he is gone.  It seems just like yesterday I was talking and laughing with him.  We had our moments that we kinda disagreed on issues but we learned respect for each other.

Being new in this process, he would talk to me, try to teach me and guide me to be a better person.   His mind, there was a wealth of logistics, knowledge and life experiences to help any one that truly wanted it.  Giving, sharing, showing selflessness toward others so that they too, may find recovery for themselves.

I got use to seeing him all the time.  No matter what I was going through, he would take time to listen and share his experiences.  I did not know him that long, and yet I long to see him once again.  Would love, just one more time, for him to straighten me out about some issues.  To give me a different prospective on issues I maybe had.

He wanted to do for others, to help them, and guide them what he could by his selfless acts.  At times he was a very quite man and other times he wanted folks to know what he was thinking, feeling, and what was he going to do about his issues.

It is hard just to think about no longer seeing him, talking to him, or getting my hugs from.  Hard because I know he will not be there.  Everyone's heart will be feeling things that maybe we don't want to feel.  This will bring some of us closer but then again it will tear some of us apart.  Some will grow from this and some will not.  There will be those that just can't deal with everything something like this makes us deal with.

Life on life's terms can and is, at times, a very hard pill to swallow.  Those of us that can, should be there, to let folks that are having a difficult time with this know that they can get through this to the other side.  This is what he would have wanted.  Would want us all to grow and learn that, we too can go through and come out on the other side.  This does not feel or seem to be an easy task.  I have faced death since getting clean, my uncle.  But I did go through it and made it out on the other side.

The reason for this post is to help others and let them know they are not alone.  There are those of us that are here, offering our time to help you through this life changing events.  We, too, are hurting.  We do this simply because this is what we should be doing for each other.  It doesn't matter how you got to where you are at in life, all that matters is 'what' you want us to do to help.

For me, I know I need to learn to be more open and giving to others.

Keep Coming Back

New, scared, confused,
Asking for help and you said,
"Keep coming back."

I didn't know what to do,
Just wanted the pain to stop,
Keep coming back.

Wanting someone, anyone who understands,
Someone that would take the bad with the good,
Keep coming back.

A family extended, I was a part of,
Sharing, caring, loving each other,
Keep coming back.

Loving each other 'til we learn to love ourselves,
Taking one day at a time,
Keep coming back.

You shared and said "I did it, you can too!"
You gave me phone numbers, said "call them all!"
Keep coming back.

Build a network, I heard someone say,
Your network will support you good and bad,
Keep coming back.

Take one step at a time in order,
Don't pickup, don't use, call someone first,
Keep coming back.

Disease will trick us and try to break us,
Share where your at, ask for help that you need,
Keep coming back.

God, as I understand Him, will guide you through,
Share, care, do the next right thing for the right reason and,
Keep coming back.

The steps, there are 12, then Traditions that guide us, someone said,
These things you told me would help me make it through and,
Keep coming back.

They worked, you said I would make it through,
Years go by and we talk and share,
Keep coming back.

Then one day, you weren't there, but someone said,
"Keep coming back."

Am sad, anger and have lots of fear,'
But in truth, you will always be there,
Keep coming back.

In body or spirit,
Either way I say "Thank you" for telling me
"Keep coming back."

Love, respect and gratitude, all learned because someone said,
"Keep coming back."

Humility, Humble, Humiliation?

Humility is defined as the quality of being modest and respectful, condition of being humble.  Humble is defined as not proud, not pretentious, meek, modest, respectful.  Humiliation is defined as degradation, disgraced, shame, to reduce to a lower position in one's own eyes or others. (per Merrian-Webster website)

Humility is first known to be used in the 14th century.  It is about maintaining our pride about who we are, about our achievements, about our worth, without arrogance.Companies and businesses that thrive and grow have leaders that have humility, they don't boast about what they can do.  They treat everyone with respect regardless of who they are or what their job title maybe. (per Mind Tools website)

Ways to practice humility:  become silent when someone engages you in to a contest of perfection.  Stop talking and allow the other person to be in the limelight.  Some benefits from practicing humility are to be in a state of non-pretense, it improves relationships, reduces anxiety, encourages more openness, enhances one's self-confidence, and opens a window to a higher self.  Humility as a virtue is a major theme in the Old and New Testaments. (per Mind Tools and Christian bible reference)

Humility per World Scripture (www.unification.net) is essential attitude for success in the spiritual world.  Requires sincerity and honesty.  From passages there are warnings against letting the praise of others or great learning or high position go to the head and the course of self-conceit.

Why is it then that many look at having humility, being humble as a bad thing?  Nothing that I found supports that.  Many famous people have quotes about or pertaining to humility.  Some are:  Albert Einstein - "A true genius admits that he/she knows nothing."  Augustine of Hippo - "It was pride that changed angels into devils; It was humility that makes man as angels."  C.S. Lewis - "True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."  Just to list a few.

Having humility, being humble are good things.  When someone says you are a humble person that is a good thing.  Although, I must admit there are times when it is hard to be humble, to show humility.  We, in general, are extremely proud people.  That is one reason why this principle is hard to practice most of the time.

Being in recovery, I have learned some of these things about humility and being humble.  They are not defined as I always thought.  Humiliation is a word that I felt most of my life.  That people did not think I was good enough.  Well, I very seldom feel humiliation these days.  I can admit when I do not know "it all".  Believe me when I say I do not want to know it all.  For that will be the day that I am unteachable.  That I am no longer humble, have no humility left.  Remaining teachable is very important to me.

Though it has been said that I show my arrogance, I boast of things that I have done or been able to experience.  And, well, I am sorry for those that feel this way.  I am only trying to help others to recovery from their addiction as I am recovering from mine.  I do not see the arrogance in admitting the truth and stopping all the lying.  I have learned that humility is a good thing.  Being humble is a good thing.  I no longer feel humiliation even though folks have tried to humiliate me.  No one can say or do anything to me that would humiliate me more than I did to myself in active addiction.  Mind you there are things that I did not do, would not do, but if I should relapse, I am still eligible for those things to happen.  So I remain humble.

Now, I did not become humble over night.  Nope, it just wasn't that easy for me to practice this principle.  As with a lot of things, I had to bump my head on the brick wall several times before I gave in to being humble, having humility.  Today, I don't bump my head near as much.  When I don't know, I say I don't know.  Even though I have done good things in my recovery, I, in no way, shape, or form act arrogant about it.  This blog is not intended for me to brag about what I have done.  But I am not ashamed of my accomplishments since entering in to recovery.  I simple try to share my experiences with life on life's terms for living today, in the hope that one person may be helped.  That person can be in recovery, active addiction or someone that has a loved one in active addiction or recovery.  You see those folks need help also.  To try to understand this disease and a little bit about how an addict mind works.

You will not find a lot of addicts going public about their addiction or recovery.  That is understandable as lot of them hold positions, jobs that would probably be threaten if they went public.  But there are those of us that say "Yes, I know I am breaking my anonymity, but it is MINE to break no one else."  These are my experiences though others like me may have also experienced the same thing.  What we experience is important, but not nearly as important as to the way we made it through to the others side of that experience.  As addicts, our thinking is out of whack.  It gets mixed up and messed up very easyly.  That is why we, as addicts, or I as an addict, need others like me, addictive behaviors, to talk to about how, what, where and why of things before I ever try those things out for myself.

So, if you feel that things I blog is my arrogance or self-pride, then I do apologize.  In no way do I mean for this to come across as arrogance or boasting.  All I am doing is giving back to others as help was so freely given to me.  I ask nothing in return.  I do not want other addicts to die.  No one knows who or when or where they will be, what they maybe doing to hear that there is a better way of life after drugs.  I would be doing a huge disservice to myself as well as anyone else not to share my experiences.

It is hard for me to understand those that say I am boasting and am arrogant in my blog.  And the reason for that is that is how we all learn how to live, how to do, right from wrong.  Our parents share with us. Our older brothers and sisters share with us.  That is the way learning was meant to be, isn't it?  One learning from another that had been there, done that.  Is that not how the Bible teaches us how to serve God, by example?  Sharing different stories of others so that we may learn what we need to do in life that is pleasing to God?

It has taken me a little bit to be able to post this entry.  There has been some negativity from some and it has made it a little harder to post things.  But after sharing with people that I respect and care about and that I know truly care about me, I have decided that I will continue with what I feel is God working in my life.  Doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  Years ago, I would have never been able to do this much less other things such as speak in front of a crowd, but God has taken hold of me and given me an ability that I feel should be shared so that someone knows that they too can do what I do.  I  hope that there is a spiritual feeling that is shared in these lines, words that I post.  I can only pray that I am not the only one receiving a blessing in life, not from this blog, but from the love within this blog and all the post I have done.  For each one has so much love in it that there were some that I had to do several post on just to get it all out there, the love for others, so that it could be seen and felt by the ones that it was meant for.

I love God.  I love all of you and yes, today, I love myself.  That is not a bad thing, it is good and it is what I needed to learned to do in order to recover.

Thank you all for your support and encouraging words about my life today.  May God bless and keep you all close in His care.

Teardrops

Sitting, watching, waiting, listening, hoping, praying,
A teardrop falls.

Should she do this, should she do that,
A teardrop falls.

Wreckage from the past, unclear about the future,
A teardrop falls.

What is she to do, where is she to go,
A teardrop falls.

Hiding behind a wall, so no one, no man can see,
A teardrop falls.

Laughing, dancing, smiling, hiding, running, frowning,
A teardrop falls.

You think you know her, You really have no clue,
A teardrop falls.

Good days, bad days, lonely days, sad days,
A teardrop falls.

Reaching, learning, teaching, growing,
A teardrop falls.

Powerlessness, willingness, open-mindedness, honesty,
A teardrop falls.

Support her, tear her down, help her, love her,
A teardrop falls.

Have no teardrops left, used them all, now what?
A teardrop falls.

He sees her, he wants her, he loves her, he supports her,
A teardrop falls.

To be loved, missed, appreciated, cared for,
A teardrop falls.

The Serenity Prayer

'God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference'.


Most folks referred to this prayer as the AA Prayer, due to the fact that it has been used by Alcoholics Anonymous since the early 1940's, but by the late forties it became better known as 'The Serenity Prayer'.  Today, there is still a mystery as to who the 'real' author of this simple yet powerful prayer is.  It has been identified as a General Prayer from the fourteenth century England.  While Reinhold Niebuhr is given credit as being the author.  Whomever wrote this prayer, no one can dispute that Niebuhr and AA have made it one of the most commonly known prayers in the United Stated and the world.   (Thanks to Bartleby.com  for this information.)

Just thought you may be as interested as to the origin of this prayer as I was.  I Googled it and came up with several places with facts and facts that have been checked and rechecked and then discarded for someone else could dispute their findings.  As, if you are interested and you Google as I did, the mystery behind the author of this prayer may continue for some time to come.  Check it out, there are some very interesting facts and fictions attached to this prayer.

Moving on, I want to explore what, to me, this prayer means and how I apply it and learn from it in my life daily.  First, lets look at the beginning of the prayer 'God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change'.  Serenity mean peace of mind.  And accept is to agree or consent to .   So, for me, this first line is telling me that God can give me the peace of mind to agree to or consent to things that I cannot change.  No matter what I do or say these things will not change and I have to learn to live with them as best I can and God will help me do that by giving me peace of mind in those areas.

'The Courage to change the things I can.'  Courage is the nerve to perform an action.  Here I feel this is telling me that God will aid me in performing an action that will be needed to make the changes that I need to make.  From experience, some things are just so hard to change because if there is one thing that all addicts have in common it is the fact that we HATE change.  Change has never been easy for an addict and especially not for this addict.  But as I pray this prayer, God will help me in the areas that I need and will give me guidance to make the changes needed for me to continue to grow.

Now, that final line 'and the Wisdom to know the difference.'  Wisdom here is the understanding of things.  I am asking God to give me that understanding as to what I can change and what I cannot.  To guide me and to help me do what is right for me in my life.  I cannot always worry about what others think or say.  No one knows me better than God.  The more that I strengthen my relationship with God, the better He and I understand each other.

This simple prayer has a lot of power in its words.  It is a very powerful prayer.  Someone asked me a few weeks ago if I knew the Serenity Prayer.  I told them yes, I use that prayer several times a day sometimes just to get through that day.  Does it really work? they asked.  Again my answer was yes.  It may not always work the moment I say the prayer.  I have to, and am trying to, learn to listen to what God is telling me and how I should respond.  The closer my relationship with God gets, the better understanding I have.

Some people like to question me about my relationship with God and what my understanding of God is.  To those I can only say that God is the only one that needs to know what our relationship is and how it works for me and God, not anyone else.  Some people feel that if  you don't believe the way they do, then you are wrong.  I say this prayer is very simple and straight to the point.  In my recovery I don't have time trying to say a long drawn out prayer just to get God to listen to me.  He listens to me all the time.  And I listen for His answers.  I may not like what the answers are sometimes but I have to accept them for good, bad or indifferent.

Life is not always a smooth ride nor a bowl of cherries, but it is what it is.  We all have things and people that are hard to understand or change.  Some changes take more time than others.  No one is perfect, but that should not stop anyone from striving to be perfect.  Those in your life that may not understand or question your spirituality or religious beliefs should look to themselves first.

Yes, I am in recovery and I do my best to live by the spiritual and religious principles that I have learned.  Sometimes it can be hard.  But I have learned and relearned that it is not my place to judge anyone, lest I be judged.  God is the only one that can judge anyone, it is not for man to do.

This is a post that I have been working on for a bit now.  Simply because of wanting people to understand that yes this is a small prayer with few words, but a very powerful prayer with large meaning behind it's words.  As I reflect back, I do understand why some may question me, but do not understand the judgments they presume to know or place on me.  I am human and there in itself am subject to not be perfect in all areas of my life.  I can humble myself to be able to say that I am not perfect, I am still learning, that I need direction from someone else from time to time.  Somethings I think most of the people I know feel.

So, if you are like me and know you are not perfect, I hope that you can find comfort as I do in the Serenity Prayer.  But if you are like others that presume to know all things, then may you see that God can still teach you things as long as you remain teachable.  I feel that the moment I am no longer teachable will be the beginning of my end.  If I am not teachable then there can be no growth and with no growth things will stay the same or get worse.  When things stay the same and nothing changes, because nothing changes, then nothing will change, not even me.

I no longer run from the truth.  I can only ask for understanding when that truth is hurtful to another.  I have asked for forgiveness and understanding for things I have done and said to some folks.  Most have been understanding as to where I was and how I try my best not to go there any more.  There are some that still insist on questioning my beliefs and ways.  They are the people that have a need to control and I cannot and will not be controlled by anyone except God.  Like it or not that is just how things are these days.

I love each and everyone of you and am praying that the best will happen in your lives this year.  I ask that you please continue to pray for me and my recovery, as I pray for those that have mostly bad feelings for me.  We all need pray, just some more than others.  Try it.  This simple small prayer.  You tell me, does it work or not.  Can you get closer to someone who cannot get past their own opinion of  you long enough for God to say 'Hey, you know they are really trying their best.  Do you think that you have the right to pass judgement on someone just because you have not taken the time that is needed to get to know that person?  I say no.  That right is for God and God only!