Returning To Treatment

Yes, that's right, I returned to the same treatment facility that helped me when I first got clean and entered into recovery.  My sister and a very close friend took me.  We had some time for both of them to get to know each other a little better.  Fairly nice traveling weather up there, but got colder the closer we got.  Stopped to eat supper at a nice restaurant named "Granny's" in Icard.  Simple, quiet, family environment and good food.

It did get colder and a bit of wind blowing as we got closer.  All kind of thoughts were rushing through my mind.  Just the thought of returning much less seeing some of the same staff members that were there when I was there before.  It has been a little over 3 years since I left from there and I can still remember a lot of my experiences there, from the first moment I arrived up to the moment I left to come back home.

Yes, returning there was somewhat surreal for me.  You see, when I left there I was told that they would love for me to come back to share my story but I had to wait at least a year.  They want you to come back but they want you to have at least one year being clean/sober before you come back to share.  No, I did not go back into treatment, I did go back to the treatment facility to share my story.

This is something that I have bounced around in my head and with mom and my sister for the past 2 years.  Well, ever since the time came that I could go back to share.  You may think that would be an easy task.  Just go back and now you are on the other side of using and you can see, feel and you know exactly what these folks that are there now are experiencing.  You are able to have some empathy for them.  I knew exactly what most of them were feeling for I had been there and done that, never to forget from where and what I came out of so as not to return.

So, after a trip to Asheville, I reunited with one of the staff members at the treatment facility and he asked if I would consider coming back up and speaking to the patients there.  Sounded like a good idea and most of all, I did feel ready to go back.  You see, I feel, that unless you 'have been there done that' then you can't understand fully the feeling, well for me, I felt somewhat afraid to return.  Why?  I think it was just knowing my state of being when I was there and how I am today.

In the treatment facility as a patient, I was hungry for more of recovery than they would give me.  I have not lost that hunger, but this time I was going to be the one feeding them on recovery.  I have never done anything like this before.  Never have been someone that gets up in front of a room full of people and talk about myself.  Never in a million years would you find me doing that until I entered into recovery.  There is just something that tells me 'you need to do this, you can do this and you know you can and you should'.

There were three of us that showed to speak so I got the men's group and the others took the women's group.  I told part of my story.  How I went out looking to get high.  How the life style and the drugs became my life.  Some of the things I lost.  People that I hurt.  What my experience was in treatment at this same facility.  How I knew what some were thinking of me.  What some of my thoughts were while there was some of the same thoughts they were having.  Feeling the same, an unspoken understanding just because we were, are, all addicts.

You see, yes I spoke to a room full of men, but this is what I told the counselor when he asked if I wanted the men or women's groups, an addict, is an addict, is an addict.  Just like a drug is a drug is a drug.  It made no difference to me who I spoke to because I was there to speak to addicts, any or all addicts there.

As I told my story, my sister and sponsor were sitting in the back of the room.  They were there to give me some support.  When I thought I have no idea what to say next, I could look back there at them and I was able to find the words to tell just a little more of myself to these men that I had never met.  I had no written speech to read or go by.  No note cards.  Just me and my bottle of water.  Doing it that way was how I was taught.  Speaking from my heart.  Yes there were things that were hard to tell of myself, but as I stood up there in front of these men I thought 'hey, he is getting this and that one too.'  

My heart filled and I paused for a moment here and there.  Making sure that truth was all that I spoke to these men.  It would do them and me no good at all to make up stories about my using or my recovery.  That is only doing them and myself an unjust service.  There were things I shared they could see the emotions come to the surface again just as they did when that experience was actually happening.  The could identify.  Yes I am different from them, but when it comes to my addiction and using goes, we are all the same.

All of those men sat there and listened.  I mean they 'really' listened to what I had to say.  Yes, there were some that were just being polite but I could see when I hit home with one of them.  I could looked at all of them in the face and explain that I had been there done that and what I didn't do I have no intention on going back out there just to do those things.  I explained that even though I had not been using, my addiction was still and is still growing just in case I did slip.  There may be one more run in this old gal but she, I, know I do not in anyway, shape, or form have another recovery.  If I go back out I WILL die out there.

Yes, there is no way I could make it back if I started all those lies up again.  Why?  How do I know?  Well, all I can say is 'I know myself and I have never done anything half way.  It is all or nothing with me.  There was one thing I did not tell them that I knew and that was that only 1 out of 30 people ever get this thing called 'recovery'.  I did tell them that I knew some would have to relapse and there would be some that will die just so someone else's eyes can be opened and for them to understand that this could happen to them just as easily as it did that person.

Drinking, drugging, using, selling, whatever part or parts you are in or someone you knows is in can be stopped.  You can lose the desire to use, sell or whatever is your thing.  You can learn a new way to live life on life's terms.  Never told anyone that it was going to be easy.  Why?  Cause it ain't easy at times and recovery really is not easy, but it is necessary for survival.  There are only three things that will happen if they continue to use and go down that path:  jails, institutions or death.  That someone has to die for someone to live is something that is very real and true.  Sometimes it takes an addict that is still active in their addiction, for them to die before others see that the same is happening to them.

No, I can't afford to forget my last run.  How I felt.  What I was doing.  And so on and so on.  That circle that is never ever ending.  Well, today someone may very well think that they are in a circle that is never ending.  They are correct in that thought if they continue to use, yes that is what they have to look forward to.  Doing the same thing day after day after day expecting different results.  There will be none.  You must change what you are doing in order to get different results.  Some will get it and some I am afraid will not get it.

Thank you all for allowing me to tell parts of my story in hopes that one of you or someone you know will be inspired enough to seek the help needed against this disease.  I, too, have loved ones that are still in active addiction and it is heart breaking to see.  Knowing that there is a better life to live if you, they would just stop using.

Until next time, may God bless and keep you this night so if you wake, you will start your day with God.  He is good and recovery is well, just plain WONDERFUL!!!

Courage - Do You Have It?

Courage , as Webster defines it, is the ability to conquer fear or despair; bravery; valor.  It can also be defined as a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger of pain without showing fear.  Not the absence of fear, but rather the willingness to walk through it.  When we face anything we think as difficult, dangerous or painful.

In the Bible, courage is confidence or assurance in speech, virtual, moral excellence, fearlessness, valor.  Throughout the Bible there are examples of what 'courage' is or should be.

There are many ways to show courage or to have courage.  Growing up, we all must have some amount of courage to learn and explore new things.  Of course , we all should have courage of some kind our whole life.  Willing to try and learn things we don't understand or don't know.

At first, I think, when I was little, I had courage or at least curiosity (having a desire to investigate and learn). I didn't really think of being afraid growing up and wanting to explore the world.  I am part of that generation that grew up 'outside', so to speak.  Always outside, playing some type of ball, riding bikes and dirt bikes.  Climbing trees and well you get the picture.  Being young, I didn't think about the courage needed or that I showed it until I was older.

Showing courage, facing the unknown was what I did, for instance, when I tried out for the girls basketball team and made it!  (Still have 'no idea' how that happened.)  Trying out for cheerleading and making that squad, four years total.  Those were things that took courage.  Having the courage to follow through.  No one ever said you had to show or have courage just to get started.  No, the times we need to have courage, we need to see things all the way through to the other side.  To me that is courage.  Starting something unknown or unfamiliar to me, but moving forward to the other side no matter what.

My recovery process has shown me things that I had to have courage in order to do what is needed for my recovery.  And, I must admit that there were times when I was using that I had to have or show courage.

We all can show courage on a daily basis by trying new foods, asking someone out to eat, standing up for your beliefs and the list goes on and on.  Just the most common things we do can show courage.  Harriet Tubman lead slaves to freedom on the underground railroad; Courage.  Rosa Parks refused to give yo her seat on the bus; Courage.  Martin Luther King Jr. stood up for equal rights among men; Courage.  And there are countless others in our nation's history who have shown such great courage.

Sailing to unknown worlds, Christopher Columbus had great courage.  We even grew up knowing that the 'Cowardly Lion' from Oz would find the courage he had been searching for.  We teach our children to have courage or to be brave by showing them love, sharing our own life experiences of courage and giving them encouragement.

Ernest Hemingway said "Courage is grace under pressure."  E E Cummings said "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."  Winston Churchill is quoted saying, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts."  "Courage is what it takes to sit down and listen."  Mark Twain, "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.  It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."  Theodore Roosevelt said, "Believe yo can and you're halfway there.  Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength."  John Wayne stated "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."  Joyce Meyer "We need a back bone, not a wishbone."  Plato said "Courage is knowing what not to fear."  Amelia Earhart said "Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."  Andrew Jackson "One man with courage makes a majority."  Betty Davis said "The key to life is accepting challenges.  Once one stops doing that, he is dead."  Napoleon said "Courage is like love, it must have hope for nourishment."  And Stephen King is quoted "Sooner or later even the fastest runners have to stand and fight."

So, with all this being said, for me, the ultimate show of courage and exactly what it means, in addition to the numerous examples from the ancient men of faith, that is the supreme example of Jesus Christ who "despised the shame" of the cross and endured 'opposition from sinners' leaving us an example so we will not grow weary and lose heart.  And there are others throughout the Bible that showed, or were great examples of, courage:  Abraham, Gideon, Ezra, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, David, Peter, John, Daniel, Nehamiah, Jesus disciples and the apostles Paul, Jonathan, Elijah; and Jesus Christ himself.

So courage is knowing what is at stake, having fear of failure, but going through it in order to grow from it.  Having healthy fear, but courage, to face that fear.  Dealing with it and then moving on.

Recovery, I know for me, took lots of courage.  I knew that my family was going to be very disappointed in me.  Some families cut ties with the addict in the family never to regain a connection.  Man, I was luckily and I thank God everyday for giving me the courage to say I needed help.  I didn't know what to do.  I just said to please take me somewhere that I could get help.  My family listened.  Calls were made, trips to ERs were made.  Had to go to two different ERs because the first one would not listen to what I wanted.  All they saw was a lady high and demanding to be sent somewhere for help.

Anyway, when I first entered into recovery, I was scared.  Afraid of the unknown.  A family member who had been through something similar told me the day I left for treatment to "do what they tell you to do."  If I was not going to listen to them then there was no need to go.  Don't ask why, just do it.  I said "okay, I will." And from that moment I first stepped into the treatment facility, I did my very best to listen and do as I was told to do.

I was so scared.  I don't ever remember being and feeling that alone.  No family, friends or even a familiar face or two.  I found some courage somewhere, somehow and did what was asked of me.  Listening, learning all that I could.  As the days rolled on, things started to get a little better.  My mind was clearing.  I felt and looked better than I had in a very long time.

As I write this, I realize that we all have some kind or level of courage each and everyday.  We have it just to get up every day and go to work, school or wherever or whatever you do daily.  Just to get up and face life on life's terms takes a great amount of courage.  There are challenges each and everyday for us all, but with courage, we face it and handle all that may come our way.

Courage is, it appears to me to be, a principle that is used continuously through out each day, each hour, each minute.  Everything we do takes some amount of courage.  No matter how small or big, courage is needed.  WOW!!!  That is so awesome to realize that I have been using this principle in my life each and everyday I have lived..  That is, just, well, mind boggling!!

"Principles Before Personalities"

Man, you can learn something everyday, sometimes with out even trying!  Who knew that most 12 step programs (Over-eaters, Debtors, Online Gamers, Sexaholics, Smokers, and so on) you would hear "principles before personalities"?  Not me and I would guess not most folks.  But I have to remember that all of the "other" 12 step programs are framed by the outline of Alcoholics Anonymous program.  So, there in itself suggest that they too have "principles before personalities".

Quotes on "Principles before Personalities" - 

Bruce Lee - "Obey the principles without being bound by them."

Franklin D. Roosevelt - "One cannot always build the future for our youth; but we can build our youth for the future

Dwight D. Eisenhower - "A people that values its privileges above it's principles, soon loses both."

Confucius -  "Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses."

William Shakespeare - "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."

Thomas Paine- "Character in much easier kept than recovered."

Albert Einstein - "Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value."

Henry Ford - "Quality means doing it right when no one is looking."

Will Rogers - "Live in such a way you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip."

M*A*S*H Col. Potter - "The only guy I have to get better than is who I am right now."

Buddha - "It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe; that lures him to evil ways."

Martin Luther King, Jr. - "The time is always right to do what is right."

Abraham Lincoln - "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

What does "principles before personalities" mean?  Simply put it is not worrying about who or what a person does for a living.  Principles are rules or code of conduct to live by.  Personalities are distinction of personal, social traits.  So, to me 'principles before personalities' is simply letting people be where they are and who they are, showing them respect just as another human being.  Some of the principles that most of us try to practice are honesty, willingness, courage, faith, trust, forgiving, patience, kindness and the list goes on and on.  When we, or I practice these principles in all areas of my life, they allow me to treat folks the way I would want to be treated.  And with that being said, I feel like it is living by the 'Golden Rule', do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  I think as long as I try to apply that into my life then it makes it easier to practice those principles in all my affairs.

Notice I said 'try to apply'?  That would mean using and applying principles in my life and doing it correctly letting them guide me in my life.  In previous post I have shared on principles like honesty, open-mindedness,  and others.  As I learn about principles and how to apply them to my life on a daily basis, I grow.  Learning and understanding that it makes no difference who you are, what you do for a living or anything about you because I am living and using principles in my life.  This simple act makes us equal.  Puts us on the same playing field.  No one is better than the other.  You see, when we apply and live the principles in our daily lives, stay on the same playing field, life works better for all.

There are no commitments like "She is a lawyer and has all these nice things and is wealthy."  "They are loving parents and their kids get everything."  I say this is all bull crap, that's right bull crap!  I think this is part of America's problem right now.  So many people think they are all so deserving, it will make you sick to your stomach just to think that.  Yes, folks have different jobs, titles, and that's all well and good, but those things are not what makes a person who or what they are.  I feel that we should never, ever think like that.  It is only putting yourself down.  As if you are below someone.  I think this is the mentality of a lot of people these days.

For me, I try my best not to judge a person in anyway at all.  That is not for me to do.  Only God has that right.  Yet, I do have my opinion of people and the way society acts today.  It is horrible!  Everyone thinking only of "self".  This is not how it should be.  I know that there will always be prejudiced people in the world but I cannot understand why so many.  And there again, it is not for me to say.  I have to treat people the way I would want to be treated, principles before personalities, the "Golden Rule".  If more people would follow this simple suggestion imagine how the world would be today?  Don't you agree that it would more than likely be a much better place?  Do you not see this happening?  Do you practice 'principles before personalities'?  The Golden Rule?  I do think that if you try to follow the Golden Rule, then you do practice principle before personalities, don't you?  Think about it.  It can be a hard process to learn, but after you practice doing this every day, it will come easy.

People seem to not have common respect for other people and to me that is very sad.  And the younger generation acts horrible to their elders.  When I was growing up and to this day, I respect my elders.  Why?  What does that mean?  That means to me that because they are older, they have more life experience than I do, they have been, there done that.  How dare I treat anyone, especially someone that knows more than I just because they have more life experience, as if they are stupid or dumb or like they have no idea what they are talking about?

Yes, I understand that the world is not the same as it was, but that is no excuse for treating people with disrespect.  I see and hear younger people, out in public, look and speak to their parents as if their parents just fell off that turnip truck, therefore they have no idea how this feels or how that  feels!  Again, this is BULL CRAP!!!!  I would love to be able to just smack the crap out of them when things like this happen.  It makes me so mad cause I know if I were to do that my teeth would have went down my throat, I am not exaggerating.  I have been smacked when I was smaller, so trust me, I learned to show 'everyone' respect.  And no, I have not always done that.  As an addict, I was self-centered, selfish and thought that I was right and entitled to what I wanted, when I wanted it and how I wanted it, no matter what.  But again, that is what addiction does to your mind.  And you must learn things all over again that you were probably taught as a child.  I know I was.  I, when in active addiction, showed no one respect, not even myself.

So, I hope that you can get something that is helpful from this and the other posts that are up.  That is the reason for this blog, trying to give back what has been given to me, a life worth living!  I love life and myself and I am sorry if some people take that as me being conceited or that I am boosting because that is not what this blog is about.  Yes, I put myself, my beliefs, my feeling and my experience out there, but it is in hopes that just one person, just one person reads this and says "Hey she's talking about me."  And all that is needed then is for you to go my resource page to get the information you are looking for.

God bless you all and thank you so very much the love that you have shown me by reading what I am writing.  If it were not for the number of people that seem to read this regularly, I would stop posting, but that does not seem to be the case.  Thanks again, you are all much appreciated.

Forgiveness - Giving or Asking?

Forgiveness, are you giving it, forgiving someone that has wronged you or are you asking for it, because you have wronged someone?  Forgiveness, like other principles, it is a process.  We give forgiveness and we ask for forgiveness.  Either way someone is being asked to let go of a resentment, debt or claim of an offense made toward another.

Studies show that people who forgive others are happier, healthier than others.  Jesus speaks of forgiving or showing mercy towards others.  In the book of Luke, there are many references to forgiving.  "Do not judge and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned, forgive and you will be forgiven".  And one quote that most everyone knows "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

As I was researching my topic on the web, I came across the Mayo Clinic website.  There you can find all kinds of very interesting material on and about forgiveness.  The pros and cons health wise.

Mark Twain is quoted "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
Oprah Winfrey said "True forgiveness is when you can say, 'Thank you' for that experience."
Martin Luther King Jr said "Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude."
And President John F. Kennedy said "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."

Some people have asked 'why do you put definitions and quotes about the subject of your post'?  Well, there are a few reasons.  First, I like to know that there is no misunderstanding as to what the word or phrase or the subject matter are as defined by the Webster Dictionary.  I want to make sure that I have a clear and accurate information on the subject, for myself.  The quotes from famous folks that most everyone knows, allows me to show the different ways or meanings a subject may have or different emotions that can be felt just by the way someone uses it in a quote.  I want to make sure that you all understand that I 'do' understand the meaning and usage of my subject matter.

In recovery, for me anyway, there had to be some forgiveness given on my part and then there had to be some forgiveness from others.  This is not an easy principle to live by.  I had to come to a complete and concrete decision about why and how I need to forgive others and what was my part in events and issues that I would be asking for forgiveness from others.  You have to be ready and understand when someone will not accept your apologize and allow that person to be where they are.  You see, when I asked, or now when I ask for forgiveness, I know what my part was or is and if you accept my apology, then that is okay.  If for some reason you do not accept my apology then there is nothing more that I can do.  I did my part, cleaned up my side of the street, so to speak.  If the person that I was requesting forgiveness from feels they cannot give it, then they will have to deal with the feels that come along with that.  I cannot control how someone is going to react or feel when I apologize for my actions and ask for forgiveness.

As I gathered a list of who I needed to apologize to, I had to include myself on that list.  Yes, I had done things to myself that I needed to forgive myself for.  I am not proud of the things that I did when using, but I can only apologize and ask that those folks understand.  I must pray about these things that I need to do and ask God to help and guide me through my day and through each apology that I must make.

Today, I do my very best not to end up in a position to have to apologize.  I try hard to do the next right thing for the next right reason, so at the end of my day, when I am reflecting back I can say "Okay, you did what you should the way you should have.  Yes, at the end of each day, I look back at what as happened and examine my actions and my reactions.  If there is anything that I need to apologize for, then I do, just as soon as I possibly can.  I thank God every morning and every evening for what He has given and done for me in my life.

As always, I am only trying to do what someone did for me, there to help me through to get the help I needed.  If this blog helps just one person then I have done what I set out to do.  You see, I must give back what was given to me.  If there is something that you would like for me to share my experience on, just drop me a line and I will do my best to offer you some experience and hope.