As Different As Night and Day

Would like to take a moment and talk about how someone in active addiction can get help.  Please remember that some of what I post is my own experience and some comes from research on the internet.  Because of questions that have been asked of me, I would like to post my take on different treatment options and take a look at what 'addiction' is or means.

First, addiction, it is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease that causes compulsive drug seeking and use despite harmful consequences to the addicted individual and those around them.  Addiction has been defined as being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit- forming (especially alcohol or narcotic drugs).  The body is affected in several ways.  Mentally an addict becomes obsessed with thoughts of using.  Physically they develop a compulsion to continue use regardless of the consequences.  Spiritually they become totally self-centered in the course of their addiction.  Addiction is  progressive, incurable and can be fatal unless the person receives treatment.  The reaction to drugs is what makes an addict, not how much or what is used.  It is a disease, not a moral problem.  Much more than drug use, it is a part of who we are; an illness that involves every area of an addicts life, with or without the use of drugs.  (Remember people are addicted to other things like shopping, eating, sex and the list goes on, it is the same disease just different substances.)  Biology - genes that people are born with - in combination with environmental influences - account for about half of someone's addiction vulnerability.  Environment factors such as peer pressure, physical and/or sexual abuse, stress.  Many different influences from family and friends to quality of life in general.  Development - genetic and environmental factors interact with critical developmental stages in a  person's life to affect addiction vulnerability.  Taking drugs at any age can lead to addiction, but the younger a person is the more likely addiction will happen.  The disease of addiction is a preventable disease.  Prevention programs involving families, schools, communities and media are effective in reducing drug abuse in addiction.

Each drug of abuse produces different physical affects, but all abused substances have one thing in common: They all 'hijack' the brain's normal "reward" pathways and alter the areas of the brain responsible for self-control, judgment, emotional regulation, motivation, memory and learning.  Our brains can not tell one drug from another.  Taking the drug use away and the underlying problem is still there, like low self-esteem, anxiety,  loneliness, or unhappy family life.  Denial is one of the most dangerous effects of addiction.  Addicts cannot just simply stop using drugs for a few days and be cured.  Addiction is similar to other chronic, relapsing diseases such as diabetes, asthma, or heart disease, drug addiction can be managed successfully.

Treatment is different for each addict.  No one single treatment is appropriate for every addict.  As there are different treatment for different addicts, there is also different ways to get an addict to agree to treatment.  I have been a part of and seen intervention work with success of getting an addict to agree to treatment and they were able to arrest their disease, stop using and live a productive life without a relapse.  My own experience of voluntarily entering treatment, so far, has been a success.  I have been able to stop using, learn to live life on life's terms and be a productive and responsible member of society without relapse.  Not bragging, that is just my story.  Then there are addicts that are court ordered for one reason or another to enter treatment.  They come out of treatment clean and are able to maintain their sobriety without relapse.  And there are those addicts that enter into a 12 step program and are able to quit using and maintain their sobriety without relapse.  We have to remember that relapse is a part of recovery for some.  There are  many people that are successful with their treatment and maintaining sobriety and there are people that fail.  They don't stay in treatment or once they are out they return to their old ways and behaviors.  One thing that I have learned and witnessed is, that an addict, any addict can stop using, lose the desire to use and live a productive life "IF" they want it.  Recovery is possible for any addict that wants it.  An addict that enters treatment after an intervention just to get family and friends off their backs, most likely will not stay the entire amount of treatment required and returns to active addiction.  Someone who enters treatment voluntarily may not stay for the entire amount of treatment required and return to active addiction.  Just as the addict that was court ordered, they will remain in treatment just because it was court ordered, but upon release they are more than likely to return to active addiction.

Even with the best of treatments, a fully successful recovery is far from certain.  Statistics vary from drug to drug and depend also on the addict and their circumstances.  The one sure fact is that no one recovers without first quitting.  Quitting is easier and more likely to succeed with medical and counseling support.  No matter how an addict tries to quit, all addicts deserve recovery.  We all deserve a chance to relearn behavior skills and principles in order to lead a productive life.  To be able to live life on life's terms.  We all deserve to be who we want to be, what we want to be and be successful in life.

One last note or two, the level of surrender can be the deciding factor of the level of recovery.  Recovery is not just stopping the using, it is a way to live life with the support you may need.  As far as treatment facilities, they also vary from region to region, state to state and city to city.  Some can be totally free (your taxes pay for these) to a cost of $100K for a month of treatment at some facilities.  You can find information on my resource page to find out about treatment in your area.

Again, I want this to be a place of useful information for everyone to just the general public all the way to the addict themselves.  Please do not hesitate if you have questions or if you have information that may need to be added to the resource page.  I welcome all comments, good, bad and indifferent.



Resources for this post:  www.allaboutcounseling.com, www.drug-rehabs.org, The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA - www.drugabuse.gov)

"Patience Is A Virtue"

Defined as putting up with pain or trouble without complaint; capable of calmly awaiting an outcome or results, not hasty or impulsive; showing self-control; calm, steadfast.

It has been my experience that patience is needed in almost all, if not all, areas of one's life.  Patience is a principle that we all must learn to some degree in our life.  So let's get started and look at 'patience' and how I must practice this principle whether I want to or not!

Now, in active addition, you cannot find many that have patience or practices this principle.  Addict or not most of us have a hard time being patient.  I have had to learn a lot about having patience since entering into recovery.  There was really no patience in active addiction.  I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it and how I wanted it!  I thought the world revolved around me and what I wanted.

When I got to the rough and raw part of my addiction, I had the mind set that I would get what I wanted anytime I wanted.  I would get extremely upset when I could not use because of outside issues:  no money, they were out, no way to get there and so on.  At this point in my addiction I really believe that I could not stop using even though I wanted so desperately to stop.

Trying to get into recovery can be a difficult task.  Why?  I have no idea!  But as I have shared before, it took a few days for me to get into the treatment facility.  It breaks my heart to see and know people that so want help and not being able to receive it in a timely manner.  Partly due to the "I want it when I want it..." and so on.  Then partly because it is so expensive.  If you  are lucky enough to get into a facility that charges on a sliding scale and it's some place you can deal with, you feel safe, then take it.  I, myself, was able to get into a state funded facility.  Fortunately, I was accepted immediately into the treatment facility that I felt would do me the most good.  Thank God I have been able to pay that debt in full.  For I know, had I not paid that balance in full, should I relapse, I could not go back there.  Today, I can breath a small sigh of relief, that if need be I can go back.

After getting into this treatment center, I had to wait on this or that to take place in the order they were suppose to happen.  It was hard at first.  God has really tested my patience since that day or before that day.  He has lead me in a path that I am comfortable being in.  In treatment, the process of learning patience started.  I, also, was able to learn that I should have patience in all areas of my life.  It may not be a piece of cake, but I know that I must just sit back and let whatever process is working, work.  I can't try to put my spin on it.  God is handling it and showing me what to do.

There is this saying 'Patience is a virtue'.  I have never thought about what that really means.  So, I looked it up on Google.  This is what I found that seems to fit best, when we say 'Patience is a virtue' we are exposing our moral values and expressing the importance of patience as a foundation of principle.  Patience is a necessity for a happy existence and that is why the phrase is so often used.  There are several issues that I am waiting on the outcome of before I can move ahead.  To me, being patience is sitting still.  Letting go and letting God.  Meaning I do my very best to keep my hands off, so as not to manipulate the out come in anyway.  That is how I look at having patience.  As long as I let the process that must take place, in order for me to get to the other side, run its natural course, keeping my hands off, that is patience.

This is not a complex principle, it is a difficult principle for most folks. I think, to be able to just sit still and not do anything is very hard, especially if you know something that you can do to tip the scales in your favor.  I must trust that God has the wheel on whatever the situation may be and He will work it the way it should go.  Good, bad, or indifferent.

Being impatience is part of my disease.  I want what I want when and how I want it.  Doesnt' matter what I have to do to get it:  steal, lie, manipulate, and the list goes on.  Today, as I stated I choose not to do anything except have the patience needed and the trust in God needed to move forward in my life.  I also believe that patience and tolerance go far in explaining how they should work together for the common good.

Each day, each morning that God allows me to wake up, is a very gratifying gift.  When issues work themselves out, the meaning of patience comes flowing in.  There are times that I can only sit still and wait and watch in order not to lose sight of what is really behind the questions that I have.  Putting all,,every single ounce of yourself, myself on hold and keeping our hands off.

Once you start trying to practice the principle in all areas of your life that need it, you will see just how strong and powerful being patient can help and even change your/my outlook on things.  No matter what the situation is about.  Not putting my hands on every little thing, trusting God is working on that problem and I really believe He is, all things will work out the way they should.  It may not be to my liking but that;s okay too.

There are folks that, if you have any patience at all, think that you are stuck and not moving forward.  You can and will probably get stuck from time to time, but being patient, sitting still while the process is working is not being stuck or complacent.  You are just doing what is needed at that time.

Again, this is not the easiest principle to adhere to.  Being an addict, I feel, makes it much harder to practice patience.  There will be some that just can't do it no matter how hard they try.  Some people are just 'wired' differently and it is very hard, if not impossible for them to have patience.

So, I have shared my experience so far, on hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance and patience.  As stated, when you can learn how to apply each one in your life, your life can and will change.  The more areas you apply these principle to, the more change you will see or you can have.  If you did not read all these principles that I have shared, please feel free to go back and read them.   I think you will see that going back is well worth the time. The next principles will be humility, empathy, trust, commitment and others.  If you are like me, an addict, some of these principles are not quiet what I thought they were.  Like humility, it might have a different meaning than what you think.  I did not realize just how hard it was going to be to apply and practice these principles in my life.

Hope you have enjoyed and maybe found some helpful things in the past posts.  In the process of doing this blog, my hope is that someone, addict or not, can get some help they so desperately seek.  My goal is to post helpful information. My experiences in active addiction and recovery are shared to help that person to understand they are not the only ones that feel this way, act that way, you are not alone.  Also, my hope is to raise awareness to the ever growing problem of addiction.  It is running at full speed ahead and help and understanding is in great demand.

If you are an addict looking for help, please go to my resource page.  There is a lot of helpful information there.  If, for some reason, you do not find what you are looking for, send me an email as to what you need or are trying to find and I will do my best to help you or put you in contact with someone that can help.  I really do love each and everyone of you and you are appreciated more that you will ever know.  Thank you for the encouragement you have given to me by just reading my post.  God bless.

A Big Thank You and Let's Talk About Tolerance

First, I would like to express my deepest thanks to all that visit my blog.  The head counter hit over 1000 hits  this weekend.  I really do appreciate each and everyone of you, for without you, I would not be doing a blog.  There have been really wonderful and encouraging comments made about the contents and context of this blog.  It makes me feel good to know that I am maybe helping just one person with their addiction or a person that has someone in active addiction.  Am just glad that today, I have the ability to express myself, being open and honest about my addiction and experiences, that someone has one more day free from those chains of active addiction.  One thing that I cannot express enough is that anyone applying these principles in their life on a daily basis, not just addicts, but anyone and everyone, can really change your life a great deal.

Now, as I move along and start with the next principle of 'Tolerance'...

Tolerance is defined as a disposition to allow freedom of choice and behavior; willingness to recognize and respect the beliefs or practices of others; enduring or adapting to the allowable deviation from a standard.

So, I have said in some of the past post that the principle that I was sharing on was a hard one, well, here is another 'hard' one - Tolerance.  Read the definition, this is really my hardest one.  Reading and understanding the definition, what is really being said is that I have to 'accept' someones beliefs/practices even if the differ from my own.

There is that 'acceptance' and 'willingness' again.  So it would seem that I should be or at least trying to practice this principle on a regular basis as it appears it goes hand in hand with other principles.  Anyway, I have a very hard time with this principle of 'tolerance'.  Basically letting people be where they are in their process of recovery and/or life itself.  But some of these folks are acting crazy!  They continue to do the same thing expecting a different outcome each time.  Why can't they see what they are doing?  If only they would do it 'this way, my way' they would see how it is suppose to be and not how they want it to be.

So, I guess it is safe to say that this is where that 'acceptance and willingness' come in to play.  I have to accept that everyone is not where I am in recovery or life, for that matter.  That I must be willing to allow them to progress at their own rate and speed.  Sorry, it just kills me to see people in addiction or life itself, continuing to do the same old way and wondering why it is not working out the way they want it to or the  way they think it should.

Tolerance, allowing people to be where they are.  Sometimes, I see or hear someone say or do something, the same old way and then when it is all said and done they ask or state "I don't know why this won't work out.  I keep trying to do it but I'm still getting the same results!"  So, have you tried a different approach to the matter?  Have you tried looking at it from a different viewpoint?  No!!  Okay, well that's okay you have to do what you have to do.  You have to be where you can learn.  I can't get all bent out of shape just because you don't do things my way.

In my process, I have learned that you can do things in a somewhat different manner and come up with the same results as someone else.  I have been told that I take the long way around or through something to get to the other side.  When there was a shorter more direct approach to the matter.  That's okay.  They now have to have tolerance with me and my process.

My way maybe right, but it may also be just one of many ways to work that type of problem out.  As I practice this principle of 'tolerance' in my daily life, my levels of tolerance to people and things have and will increase more.  Everyone and everything has a different tolerance level.  As with any of these spiritual principles, time and putting them into action in my life gets better day by day.

I may not always have the most direct approach to things in life, but that is just part of me being who I am.  I can and do change, but for myself, not for someone else.  Today, I have choices, I remain teachable in all areas of my life.  Working daily to apply all these principles, especially tolerance to my life.

In practicing tolerance, I am able to be where I am and be okay with that.  Letting everyone else be where they are and being okay with that also.  There are other principles, one's I have not shared on, that play a part in having and showing tolerance.  Once I have shared on each of these principles, I will look at how each one works together with another and how they all, in the end, work off one another.

Just remember "You can and will have to practice these in life, on a daily basis. It is doable, may not always be easy, but most good things in life aren't easy to do nor to get.  As I grow in my recovery, I am amazed at the things I can do  Things that are just not that important like they were in active addiction.  I see just how sick I was.  Hard to believe I did some of the things I did just to get 'one more'.  Thank God, I still have some 'not yets', but I know that just makes me eligible, too.  My 'not yets' are the things that in active addiction, I could not tolerate from myself and my life.  Never been locked up, never had to used my body to get that 'one more', never tried to kill myself, and others.  Again, not saying these things because I feel I am above or better than that man or woman sitting in a meeting beside me.  Only to say, those things will be waiting on me should I ever return to active addiction.  It's just the nature of the 'beast'.  So, the more I work on my tolerance level in my life, the better chance I stand in growing up in my recovery and able to allow others their process, too.

Faith...

So, how did you like the before and after photos of myself?  Huge difference, wouldn't you say?  There have been lots of people that knew me before and after and are amazed that I have a very high level of acceptance in that area of my life.  All I can say is "It is what it is and I can accept that and move on."

Next, I would like to discuss my experience with Faith.

Faith - having strong belief in powers that control human destiny; complete confidence in a person or plan; an individuals belief system; a system of religious beliefs.

Growing up in a small town in the South, it stands to reason that I knew what my idea of faith was at an early age.  When you are raised in the 'bible belt region', you are taught about faith, I think.  You learn to at least try to believe in the 'God' as your parents believe.  I think this is true in any home anywhere, not just the South.

Being taught about faith growing up, I did and still do have a belief system that starts with God.  During my active addiction, I never, not even for  a minute, lost my faith in God.  You see, I believe that God is all things. He is what makes it possible for me to wake in the mornings.  He is the one that carried me so many years, when I could not carry myself.  There have been far too many things that have taken place in my life for me not to believe or not to have faith in something much greater than anything here on earth.

'Faith' having a strong belief, complete confidence in something or someone.  I know I have discussed my experience with hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open mindedness and willingness and how they all worked and are working in my life in recovery.  Now, my faith is something or someone, my belief system, as I stated, was taught to me at a young age.  As I grew older, my faith in God grew also.  Now in any 12 step program, they will tell you that you have to get and believe in a power greater that yourself.  A 'Higher Power' as it is called.  Some people believe, especially those that are religious, or have mixed feelings about a 'Higher Power'.  But it is my understanding that the 12 step programs are open to and for any and all addicts.  They do not care about your religion, race, sex, and so on.  Now, not all addicts are religious, much less are they all Christians.  And I do not think that those programs are a way of brain washing people to believe in anything in particular.  Just that the belief has to be a power greater than oneself.  Again, most 12 step programs, that I know of, are not religious but they are spiritual programs.  And yes, there is a difference.

As defined on Dictionary.com, religion is a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of the superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.  Spiritual is of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature; a spiritual approach to life.  Now in my words, religion is a set of beliefs or structure that are practiced regularly; external, others can see.  Spiritual is what an individual sees as truth for them, but still understands that everyone has their own truth.  It is internal, no one sees it but that individual.  Yes, I was raised with a religious background.  But I was not a very spiritual person until I entered into recovery and learned how to have a relationship with God as I understand Him to be.

Yes, I believe and have faith in God.  I think that my faith is the only reason I am here today.  Able to share my life experiences with you , in hopes that you read this and can get the help you may need.  None of the principles that I have shared on so far are a must to start recovery, except for, I think, willingness.  You must have faith that recovery will work.

I feel that willingness and faith go hand in hand when discussing active addiction and recovery.  Having faith in something to help free you from your active addiction.  But there has to be  bit of willingness to try it out and see if it works.  When I stop and look at my life, my past and what is going on today, I see that I use 'faith' everyday.  The start of my day, I have faith that things will work out the way they are suppose to.  Anything and everything, I do is hinged on some type or area of my faith.

When I was in active addiction, I tried to keep my faith that I have in God.  I know I am the one that turned my back.  I turned my back on God and all that was good in my life.  I never, for one second, lost my faith in  what God could do for me.  Having extreme low self-esteem didn't help matters.  I felt like a complete loser and I eventually started to believe that I was.  I felt that I had ruined every thing good in my life and I deserved what I got.  I am sure some of you out there understand what I am talking about.  Knowing that I had people that loved me no matter what, still wasn't enough to rid me of the feelings I had toward myself.

The belief, faith, that I was taught as a child growing up in the church is that God would always be there. No matter what.  He would always be by my side.  I know you all know 'Footprints' and if  you don't, please Google it and you will never feel alone again, I hope.  Anyway, if ever those words meant anything it is the best example of how my faith was shaken to it's core.  No one will ever make me believe anything else, but that God did, indeed, carry me until I was able to walk along by His side once again.  In my darkest days of using, He was there.  When I thought my life was ending, He was there.  God's love for me and my faith in Him, kept me going day after day.  I have survived car wrecks, being in the wrong places at the wrong times and being held at gun point with no way out except for that person to put the gun down and allow me to walk away unharmed, without a scratch.

Since I entered recovery, I still have faith in God.  Though, it is stronger today and grows stronger each day. It has never been this strong and I know that if I keep my faith strong in God and in myself, life will work out.  Problems and different situations will work out the way they are meant to.  Again, I am not a 'religious' person, though I do believe in God, but my spiritual self is stronger, alive and growing each and everyday.

There are still some questions in my life as to what is going to happen to me.  My health, my disability, my living situation with mom and dad.  Will I be able to continue getting the medical treatment needed for my health issues?  Will my disability ever get approved so I can get somethings medically taken care of and be able to bear the expenses of it?  Will I always be living with mom and dad?  Will I not eve have the 'someone special' in my life to share and love together?  At this very moment, I do not know the answers to any of these questions and others not mentioned.  I do, however, know that God will take care of me as He has done all my life.  And as long as I have faith in Him, then things will work out the way they are meant to.  With His love for me and my love and faith in Him, everything will be okay.  Recovery, life itself, is a process I go through day to day.  Learning, loving, trusting, having the faith I feel is right for me to get through each day.  Yes, some days are very hard, but life is very hard at times and not because I am a recovering addict, that is just how life is.  For anyone and everyone, life shows up, whether we want it to or not.  How we respond is the question.

Do I have the faith to follow through on the work I need to do for me and my recovery?  You bet I do and I will do the the footwork needed as long as I have to, even if it means not always agreeing with everyone else.  We all have our 'own way of life' and how we handle life on life's terms.  All I can do is keep the faith in doing the next right thing for the next right reason.  Sometimes our faith 'is' all we have...

Willingness

Willingness as defined by Webster's:  inclined, ready, without reluctance.  The willingness to change, to go to any lengths to help a still sick and suffering addict.

Early in recovery I had to ask myself, "Do I have the willingness to change?  To go to any lengths to fight this disease called addiction?  Am I ready?  Do I have any reluctance in doing this?"

Wait, what do you mean 'willingness to change'?  What do I have to change?  I just want to stop using.  To stop hurting.  And what do you mean 'go to any lengths'?  This sounds like a lot that I have to do.  "Am I willing to change, to go to any lengths to fight this?"

First let's examine the willingness to change.  When you say willingness to change, what exactly do you mean?  Are you willing to change the people that you associate with?  Places that you go where using is taking place?  To stop doing the things you do for that 'next one'?  Basically, for me, I had to be willing to change the places I went to hangout, people that I was hanging out with and the things I did in order to use and things I did when I used.  That is what 'going to any lengths' means.  Am I willing to do 'all the things' necessary to fight my disease of addiction?

When I ask myself these questions, I have to really look at what is going on in my life.  The friends, or so called friends, that are using too, that I hangout with, can I stop being around them?  Well, if I do that, who do I hangout with?  Are there people in my life that don't use.  But those are the people that don't know how to have fun!  Fun, yea I thought that was what I was doing, having fun.  I called running here and there, doing this and that, for what?  Just trying, do what was needed to get that 'next one'???  Man, how insane is that?

Why do I need to stop hanging out at the places I go to?  Aren't there other people there that are drinking and drugging?  Do I really believe that I can continue to go to these places and not use??!!  Okay, so there is another insane idea.  For me, there is no way that I can continue to go to these places, hangout with these so called 'friends' that are drinking and drugging.  I cannot continue to do the things I did to get that 'next hit', that 'next high', like lying, manipulating others, stealing and the list goes on.

In my recovery, I have to be ready, without reluctance to do 'all' that is necessary to arrest this disease of addiction!!  No one told me this was going to be easy.  No one told me that my life, in every aspect, had to change completely.  That is, no one told me that to have the willingness to change, I had to be ready to go to any lengths to stop using and live clean and sober until I reached out for help.  For answers as to why I was like I was and did the things I did, is the disease of addiction.  Once I entered recovery, I learned at a treatment facility where I was in detox and then rehab, that in order for me to stop using drugs, my entire life had to change.  And change it did!!!

First, I had to have the willingness to admit to myself and someone else that I had a problem and needed help.  Next, I had to be willing to do whatever was necessary to stop using.  That was one of the hardest parts.  I had used everyday.  It had gotten to the point where I didn't have to have a reason to use, I just did.  So, could I 'really' stop?

Everything in my life had gotten to the point of me feeling hopelessly lost to the disease of addiction.  When I stop and examine all areas of my life, I can see that I was an addict long before I ever stated using any dope.  I could see where that obsession and compulsion was present in my life long before there was any type of drug abuse.  Being very self-centered in most areas of my life.  I have always wanted things right now and the way I wanted them to be.  I had that hunger of the 'monster' inside of me and dope was actually the by-product of my disease.  After being unsuccessful at making everything about me, what I wanted, what I needed, I turned to drug use.  Thinking that I would be more fun, more exciting to be around, friendlier.  Thinking that the drinking and drugging would make things better.  I told myself I needed those things.  Told myself that I had failed at everything else I had ever tried in my life, drugs was the only thing left to do.  Surely I could use dope successfully, boy, was I wrong there too!!!  Yea, at first, I did really well in only using at certain times, for certain reasons, only when with certain people that I was hanging out with.  And those days went by so fast.  I no longer could decide when, where, or how I was going to use.  I just did it, whenever, wherever, however I could.  And, no, drug use was just one more thing in my life that I could not do successfully.

So, I had to decide what was it going to be?  Continue down the road that I was on, heading to jails, institutions and/or death or have the willingness to do what was necessary to stop using and learn how to live life on life's terms!  Obviously, I chose to enter into recovery.

I removed myself from the places I went to when using, stopped seeing people I used with or if I knew they used and stopped the things I did when using or to be able to use.  The lying and manipulating folks.  As the word 'willingness' means I wanted to go to any lengths to seek recovery.  I was ready, was without reluctance, inclined to stop using and change my way of life for good.

After becoming willing, I entered treatment and there I was put on a path, a road, if you will of recovery.  To a life that today is very much worth living.  I was taught and given the proper tools I needed to fight this disease called 'addiction'.  Given the proper tools to arrest and lock my 'monster' away.

Today, I do not have any contact with anyone from my active addiction days.  I no longer go to those places or do the things I did in active addiction.  When I finally had enough willingness to stop using the dope, I left.  Told no one that I used with or hung out with where I was going.  Only my family, a few close family friends and the man that I was working for at that time knew where I would be for a month and a half.

My appearance is what I like to think of as God's playing a trick on me.  For years, I had weighed the same, since the birth of my daughter.  My sister has always teased me about the 'fat fairy'.  The first 6 months after I came back home from treatment, I had to buy approximately 3-5 new wardrobes because of my weight gain.  You see, I gained about 40 pounds in treatment.  Then  when I got home, I gained about another 60 - 70 pounds.  So, just to help on the math here, I weighed about 140 pounds when entering treatment and 6 to 7 months after I was in treatment I weighed about 240 pounds give or take a few pounds.  Talk about change!!  That is a huge understatement!!  If anyone else had been as small as I was and then to, basically overnight, put on about 100 extra pounds, they would have had a mental breakdown.

But as I stated, I look at it as God's trick He has played on me.  (Now for those that do not know me, please, this is meant to be in fun as I know God has not and does not play tricks on folks.  That statement is for those of you who have no understanding of my humor in all this weight and hair change) Yes, I was getting to that.  My hair!  I first started to get gray hair when I was 18.  I, like most women, dyed it or kept it as close to my natural sandy blonde color as I could.  I wore it long, almost to the middle of my back.  About 2-3 months before I entered the treatment facility, I had decided and went to have my hair colored and cut short.  Remember, this was about 2-3 months before going to treatment and I was in treatment for about a month and a half...  Needless to say, my hair was about 3-5 different colors when I returned home from treatment and of course, had grown a great deal.

Okay!  So here is the picture of me after entering from treatment and living my life in recovery, I weighed 240 pounds instead of 140 and my hair, well you can see from the photo on the right, it ain't sandy blonde anymore.  Nor is it 3-5 different colors.  It is almost all gray.  I have seen people, in passing, that I knew in active addiction, they have no idea who I am until maybe I say something.  Then and only then, they may get a funny look on their face.  Look at me strangely.  And are floored when I say "Yea, it's me.  Changed just a little bit, don't you think?"

My before "Recovery" photo:

  My "In Recovery" photo:

Today, my life is worth living.  I am worth something, I do matter, I am important!  ( phrase from "The Help").  I am no longer a piece of crap on the bottom of someones shoe.  This is a one day at a time deal, but I love myself today and the life I live.  It is a life full of hope, gratitude, love, acceptance, and my list goes on and on.

I will never be able to express enough, I think, as to what recovery means to me and for me.  What it has done for me and what it is still doing today.  As long as I am willing to do what is necessary for my recovery and I continue to do the next right things for the right reasons, that is all I can do.

Willingness, as you can see, is a huge part of my life in recovery.  Without it, I have no doubt in my mind, I would be dead today.  My addiction took me places that I never want to return to nor do I wish that for anyone.

I think I will continue to practice this principle of willingness, along with other principles, as long as it remains a tool in my recovery.

Open Mindedness

Meaning, I feel, having the ability to look at all sides, open to new ideas, knowing that my way is not or may not be the only way something is.  Open to see or hear all possibilities.

This principle was hard for me at first in early recovery I think mainly because I didn't really know it's meaning or how I could be open minded.  Being told that in order for me to grow I had to become open minded.  Needed to understand that just because I have experienced things one way did not meant that they could only mean that or that was not the only way to have that experience.  I had to be willing to explore new ideas and thoughts.  See that it is okay to change.  Being open minded about a Higher Power, to the importance of spiritual principles and how they could work differently in my life.  Had to be open minded and research that religion and spiritual are not the same things, though many folks think that they are.

In recovery, they say "new ideas" cannot be grafted onto a closed mind.  By being open minded to new things, new ideas, I can see and learn how life should be.  Learn new and/or better ways to express myself, communicate with others, deal with everyday situations, and have a true relationship with my Higher Power.  Growing in all areas of my life.

Being open minded helps me to become a responsible member of society.  To take care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have mentioned before about my health issues.  If I were not open to new ideas, I would not be where I am physically today.  Yes, I hurt everyday.  Some more than others, but everyday.  Some days so bad that I can't get out of bed or I in no way want anyone to touch or hug me.  Yes, getting hugs does hurt.  Being open minded gives me the chance to see new ways of doing things physically, as to not put such a strain on my body.  It has allowed me to see that I do need to see a doctor on a regular basis.  That I have to accept (see, there is that acceptance working) that I will always hurt and need medications to  help control or lessen my pain some of the time.

I have to be open minded to accept that others may not be where I am at in my recovery.  They may not have a program at all.  I have come to understand that's okay.  Everyone doesn't have to be in the same place.  Because of this we all have different experiences we can share and see that there are other ways of thinking and doing things.

Recovery, for me, is a process and it is subject to revision all the time.  A good example of my being open minded is I have always said that I had to become selfish in my recovery.  That it has to come first before anything else.  A fellow addict pointed out to me that the 12 step program that I am in is not a selfish program but a "selfless" program.  If I were not open minded, I would not be able to hear and listen to what they had to say and then process that information.  Yes, they are correct in that my program is a 'selfless' program, but I myself, have to be selfish in how I work my program.  I, and this is just for me, have to put my recovery before people, places and things in my life.  If I don't, then I could lose all that I have gained and anything new that is to be learned.  I would have a closed mind and that does not work in my process of recovery.  So, yes, this 12 step program is not a selfish program in and of itself but a selfless program.  I am the one that is being selfish, but that is the only way I know to work my recovery and continue to grow and learn.

Open mindedness has taught me a lot.  It has afforded me with the ability to see and look at new, exciting ideas and how they can work in my life.  It has allowed me to accept others even if we do not agree in all ways.  I now understand that everyone has a right to their own ideas and beliefs even if I do not agree.  It does not  necessarily mean that they are wrong and I am right.  Or they are right and I am wrong.  Just open yourself to the possibility of "what if?"

Open mindedness gives me the added ability to see someone else point of view.  How they may have come to the conclusion they did.  It does not mean that I agree with them, only that I can understand their side.  It gives me the ability to understand that my way may not always be the best way.  Having a closed mind stops my growth, I can become stagnate, unbending to change.  Unwilling to listen to others that have "been there, done that".  A closed mind will only make me sicker and in the end put me right back out there to die.  You will keep getting what you have always gotten if you keep doing the same things you have always done.  You  have to change, I have to change from being close minded to having an open mind.

The disease of addiction wants us, addicts, dead!  In my mind, this is clear cut, no if, and's or buts about it.  If I do not change, nothing will change around me.  I have to be mindful of all things I do.  How I interact with others.  How what I do may affect someone else.  Things that I say and how I say them.  There are so many reasons that having an open mind will help.  For me, I have to use the spiritual principles everyday of my life in everything that I do in my life.

I hope that as I post these principles that I practice on a daily basis in my life that you will be able to see how they all can work together.  I hope that if you are unsure if you are an addict or if you know you are an addict, that my post will help you to see somethings more clearly.  That they will help anyone that reads them to understand a little something about the disease of addiction.  That an addict can be helped if they want it.  Family, friends, people you work with, they all can get a better understanding of how an addict's mind works.  What may work for them to help those still sick and suffering.  Yes, addiction is a disease.  It is progressive, incurable and can be fatal.  Please, if there are questions, look at the resource page to find someone or place that may be able to help if I cannot.  If I can reach just one addict out there.  That they know there is a better way of life.  That they, too, can get a daily reprieve from active addiction if they want it.  They have to ask and want what there is to offer.  They must be willing to take that first step, as hard as it is, and admit, "Yes, I am an addict and I need help!"

Honesty

Honesty defined as truthful, free from deception, genuine, creditable, marked by integrity, honorable, real, and the list goes on.  To me, this is what everyone wants and expects from others.  "Honesty is the best policy."  A statement, I know, that all have said at one time or another.  Can you be "too" honest?

In active addiction, lying came easy.  I lied to most everyone that I came in contact with.  I lied to get what I wanted, needed and didn't think twice about it.  Even if I really didn't need to lie, I still did.  Lying became a big part of my life in the end.

Like any other addict, I thought I "really" knew how to lie to anyone about anything anytime or anyplace.  Seriously, I thought I had it going on.  That I could lie to this person and to the next and the next person.  Thinking that if one talked to the other, my lies would match up and work.  That way I could continue with whatever I was doing or wanted to do.  I was what is called a "habitual liar".

It was so amazing and wonderful, the feeling I got from telling the truth.  When I entered recovery, I knew my lying days were gone forever and I really did mean that.  I had and have no reason to lie now.  I am a very honest person. Almost to a fault.  I have learned in recovery that you can be honest without letting so much be known that it will hurt you.  Have been told more than once that I am "too" honest.  That I don't have to tell everything.  Honesty is such a wonderful tool and makes life so much easier than lying.

At the first of this post, I listed what honesty is or how it is defined.  There is so much freedom, I feel, in being honest today.  People still at times think or ask, "Are you lying?".  I have to say "No, I have no reason what so ever to lie to anyone or about anything today."

At first, in the early days of my recovery, I was brutally honest.  I took it, being honest that is, to an extreme level.  Had to learn and am still learning how to be honest without really hurting someone else's feelings.  To begin with, I thought okay, don't ask unless you really want to know.  Still feel that way but I am softer in my honesty today.  For example, in early recovery, if someone I was talking to said "I don't know why no one trust me now!  I did my jail time for boosting beer from stores.  I'm not that same person."  My response was "Do you hear yourself?  Do you seriously believe the words coming out of your mouth?  Yes, you did  "just" get out from doing jail time for stealing and you really think people are suppose to just trust you like "that"??!!   You are going to have to earn peoples trust back.  Just because you did your time for the crimes does not automatically make you an honest person now!  We all, in recovery and working a program, have had to "earn" folks trust back."  Now I should not have been so harsh.  Instead, I should have reacted by saying "Well, it is just going to take some time for people to start trusting us again.  For all of us, in recovery, have lied so much and so many times for such a long period of time, that we have to first get in the habit of telling the truth and the trust of our honesty will be restored in folks.  But there are those few that will never trust us again and we have to accept that."  You see, the second reaction was more comforting and not nearly as harsh as the first.

There will always be someone somewhere that is not going to trust you for whatever reason.  But you should still be honest about things.  It is difficult to be honest to someone that you care about because you just don't want to hurt their feelings.  I have found that if I am honest, even just enough to not tarnish my integrity, that's okay.  Maybe sometime in the future I will get the opportunity to explain further why I feel or said what I did.

If you are in recovery, working a program, if you are not honest with yourself then who can you be honest with?  In order for you to have the growth that is needed in recovery, you must be honest with yourself and one other person.  Until you can do this, you will remain complacent and risk relapsing.  I'm sorry but that is not an option for this addict.  Honesty is first and foremost in my program.  I have people that I trust and I am trusted by people today.  Some trust me that I thought I would never under any circumstances could I gain their trust but I have been able to do just that.

There are many ways that you can show and exhibit your honesty to people.  Ways that you can show that you have gained some integrity.  If you say you will do something, then do it.  If you are needed to share your true feelings then do it.  What do you have to lose?  Nothing is my answer to that question.  Why or what do I have that makes me think I need to lie about anything?  Nothing!  Ask me most anything and you will get an honest answer.  Now, I am not as harsh as I was.  I have realized that others have feelings too, and may not really understanding all that is going on.  It is not normal for an addict to tell the truth.  Lying has been mainly to keep us in active addiction.  Lying to yourself can and will put you right back out there using.

Have you ever just sat down and thought about the things you did in active addiction?  How in the world were we able to survive?  How were most of us able to continue using under certain circumstances?  Why were we not dead or locked up for life?  We lied our way in and out of any and every thing we could.  For me, I would sit around and go over and over and over different ideas of how things could turn out or would go.  Looking at the positive and negative of each idea.  Playing the parts of all the people that would or could be involved.  Wheels always turning, never stopping.  That is part of my disease.  It will make me obsessive over things.  So, if or when things happened I would be ready for a response to make it look normal and be one step ahead.  Keeping myself safe, out of trouble, out of the lime light.  There was nothing honest about any of it.

So, with honesty now a part of my life and part of the principles that I do my best to practice, I move forward in my recovery.  I will be posting more on the principles that I am still learning and applying into my life.  No one promised that this was going to be easy but it is so much easier than using.  The only thing that I have been promised in recovery is that I can stop using, lose the desire to use, and learn a new way of life.

One thing that I do to help me continue to be honest in all that I do, is to put myself in the others place.  How would I feel if it happened to me?  If everyone would do this I really don't think there would be to many folks out there lying.  But we all know that probably will never happen.  The only thing we, I, can hope for is to at least try everyday to treat others as I want them to treat me.  Yea, that does sound somewhat like something else I learned, you probably did too, when I was younger.  The "Golden Rule" do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Even in active addiction I really did try to do this everyday.  Yes, I fell short lots of days, but today, I hit the nail on the head most days.

Life is great and is just getting better day by day.  I live in the moment.  Have learned to enjoy even the smallest things in life.  To take the good with the bad and make a positive out of them.  I have "Hope, Surrender, Acceptance and Honesty".  So far, all of these principles play a large part of my life everyday.  They have helped make me the person I am today.  I am happy today.  I am just me and I love me today.


(*Please note that I have added a "Resource" page to my blog.  List of helpful organizations, programs and other recovering addicts blogs.  If there is something or place or person you feel needs to be added, please send me an email with information and I will try to add them.  Thanks to all of you for your continued support of me and my recovery.  I really do appreciate each and every person that has had anything to do with my recovery.  Thank you so very much!!*)

Acceptance - Hard but Doable

So, I have been given "hope" to give me a positive outlook on all things, even myself.  Then, I had to "surrender" all to God "all" things in my life, power or no power

Now, I have to show "acceptance"?  Acceptance of things and people for what and who they are.  To have acceptance, I must accept all aspects of myself, my assets, defects, successes, and failures.  I have to accept things that I cannot change.  I have no power over them and therefore I must turn them over to God knowing that He will give me the power to meet new people and new ideas as they come into my life with the openness I need.

There are times, there have been lots of times, and I know that there will be times to come, that acceptance is very hard.  Having acceptance tells me that "it is what it is" and there is no need for me to put or try to put my spin on it to make it "what I want it to be".  Or for me to try and change another person.  There are and will be lots of things and people to come into my life that I will have to learn to accept them the way they are.

I have no power over these things and/or people.  I must let them be where they are and I have to be where I am.  Accepting that this is how things are.  Asking God to grant me what I need to keep my hands off of it. You see, when I was using and still sometimes today, I think I can change this or that to better suit me.  I wanted to put my spin on it and stir it up, make it what I wanted.  What I am learning today is that if I keep my hands out of it and accept it for what it is, people and places, God will take care of it.  Or He will show me the way for me to handle it.  See, when I was using, I had to have my hand in everything.  Trying as hard as I could to change things and people to what "I" thought they should be.  I had to be in control, that way I could continue to do what I was doing.  Doing it the way I wanted to and not having to worry about things or people.

In active addiction, I really thought I had all this power to make things the way I wanted them.  When in reality all I did was make a messier mess.  Trying to lie and manipulate things and people to satisfy myself.  I really thought I had control or power over everything.

In recovery, I have learned "Man, was I wrong!"  You see, if there are things or people that I feel the need to change to better suit me, I need to give it/them to God and keep both my hands out or off of it, He will work it out the way that it is suppose to be.  Now, it may not be how "I" think it should be but that is where acceptance comes in to play.

With Gods help, and this is just for me, I have been able to mend some relationships, I have been able to let things and people be where they are and I am trying to only worry about myself and what I need to do for me.

"Acceptance", that really is a hard one a lot of the time.  But doing the footwork in my recovery is working and my acceptance is getting greater each day.  If I can do something that God would have me do, I do it.  But if I can't and God doesn't want me in it, then I keep to myself out and let go and let God do what God does.

I know you must be think "Dang, this recovery thing, not using, sure is a lot of work!"  Yes, it is but it is worth every bit of the work and then some.  In recovery, I have choices.  I can choose to stay in the problem or I can move to the solution.  If I use, my choices are gone.

Today, I choose to not use.  So far, having hope, surrendering to this disease and with acceptance, I have a really good life.  It is only through the understanding and application of these principles that they work.  You can know them for what they are and how they work, but if you don't "apply" them to your life, you will continue to get what you've always gotten.  With these principles working in my life today, I have peace of mind, love in my heart for others and myself and the eagerness to move forward.

Just think how life is without these principles working in it or not having choices.  Madness, confusion, chaos.  They all can be gone.  Changed to the positive. With these principle, and along with other principles that I still have to learn and explore, life is getting better.

My life has changed.  I love myself today.  My hope is that if you  get anything from this blog of mine, it is "No matter what, things and people can change if they really, really want to.  Your life can change.  You just have to want it to and do the work that is necessary to obtain it.  You and only you can ask for the help you need and change your life.  Until that happens, unfortunately, your life will remain the same, never changing and possibly getting worse day by day.




(** I am in the process of adding to this blog, a page with information for those that are looking, hoping for a chance to change their lives.  If you know of a place or blog that should be added please email me.  This page is a work in progress.  Again, YOU have to ask for the help.  Help cannot help you if it doesn't know you need it.  Life can be wonderful.  Full of joy, love and happiness.  It's there for the taking, just take that first very, most important step and ask for help.)

Surrender - Not Giving Up, Just Moving On...

For me, this was big.  Having to surrender to the disease of addiction?  Are you crazy?  I can beat this!  I can't admit defeat, I won't!

Okay, now let's look at what "surrender" means.  Some say surrender is to admit defeat.  To give up absolutely; to put your hands up and quit fighting.  Not having to fight anymore; to quit with no reservations.  Oh, wait, what were those last ones?  "Not having to fight anymore; to quit with NO RESERVATIONS!"  Man, I didn't realize that this was "surrender".

I have to surrender to my disease, I have to admit that I cannot use any drug, in any amount, any way successfully!  I have to "quit with NO RESERVATIONS"!  Okay, but what exactly is a reservation?  Webster's dictionary defines it as an act to set aside for future and/or special use; to put on hold until or to put back for one's self.

So, if I have reservations about surrendering to the disease of addiction, it won't work.  I have to do it completely.  I cannot hold on to anything or hold back anything.  I have to give up on trying to use absolutely and completely.

I can't quit and say "Well, I'll stop for a little while and after I get to looking somewhat okay again, physically, maybe for a week or two.  Just to get a handle on this.  Then when I do use, it will only be on special occasions or just on the weekends.  No more through the week using.  So how many times do we tell ourselves this huge, enormous lie:?  How many more times do we have to do the same things over and over again?  Knowing that things are just going to go back to the way they were only I will get there faster and it will be worse than when I stopped?  Till it gets stronger and harder to stop?  So hard that we, or for me anyway, that I used when I really didn't want to!

So, when I surrendered to the disease of addiction I was admitting that I, under no circumstances, could I use successfully.  That the disease was in control of my life not me.  I surrendered and asked God to please delivery me from this pain and suffering.

It was not an easy task.  There is no way I could have ever made it this far without surrendering completely, with no reservations what so ever.  Also, I have a support network of women that are there for me 24/7 if I, or when I, need them.

If you are using, please look closely at your life.  You may not be there yet but there will come a day, if you are an addict, that your life will no longer be your own.  Sad, but true.  But there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.  As long as you have breathe in your body, you can quit.  You may have to do it over and over and over again, because relapse can and is a part of recovery.

So, if you are unsure, look back over your life.  Who or what has really been in control?  There is help and  all you have to do is ask for it.  There are folks out there that will help you if you only ask.  No one can help you until you help you.

If you are someone that is ready to try, please ask for the help.  I am not saying that it is easy, by no means, but it is doable.  That first step is always, in anything, the hardest step to take.  No matter if it be drugs, a new job, or first date.  That first step has to be taken and then just hang on for the ride.  Life will and does get better.  More than I could have ever dreamed of.

Today, I wake each morning and thank God for giving me one more day.  I love my life today.  I love myself today and I am worth the footwork that it takes to stay clean!!

Hope - Something Positive to Look Toward

When I first knew I had a problem, well, when I finally admitted I had a problem with drugs, I felt that all hope was gone of me ever getting control of my life back.  In and of hopelessness I searched and reached out for help and found what could restore, renew hope inside of me.  I found the hope of one day being in recovery, learning to live and living without the use of drugs or using anyone.

With this new found hope, I had no idea of the wonderful events that were to come into my life or happen in my life.  Hope gave me back to the God of my understanding, Jesus Christ.  Hope gave me what I needed to take the steps necessary for my spiritual growth and growth in recovery.

Without hope, there is nothing, for me, that can help me.  I must first find that hope to tap into and grow.  With hope, I can share that I need help with people I know who are there to help me.

Hope is the spiritual principle I had to relearn and understand in order to begin my journey in recovery.  Hope is defined by many as a general feeling that some desire will be fulfilled; one that gives promise for the future.  My spirit was renewed with the hope of one day at a time I can stay clean.  With hope, I could learn to live again, I could mend relationships I had broken, I could get up day after day and be able, with a clear conscience say "Thank you God for giving me another day and another opportunity to help someone just like someone has and is helping me".

With hope, being able to have a positive outlook toward my future, I have a fighting chance against the disease of addiction.  I have a positive outlook on most things, though I am still working on areas of my life and am applying "hope"to those parts, that God will see me through to the other side.

Hope is not the only spiritual principle that I have been relearning and applying to my life.  You see, to me, these spiritual principles are what I was taught growing up and had stopped applying them to my life.  I had abandoned God because I thought I didn't matter, I was less than, I could and would never have a life that "normal" people had.  So, I turned to drugs.  Though this happened to me later in life, it still happened.  It doesn't matter what age I was for the disease of addiction was just waiting until the best moment to get me and let me lose myself in the process.

My next several posts are going to be along this line, spiritual principles.  As I stated I have had to relearn and apply them to my life every day.  For those that are not addicted this probably sounds a little, well a lot, like bull.  Okay, consider this, surrender, acceptance, honesty, willingness, faith, tolerance and a few others are principles that I am working everyday on relearning  and then applying them to my life.  I also stated that spiritual principles were what I grew up on.  The do's and don't's, rights and wrongs, good and bad.

I am hoping that this will be an experience that we can have together as I tell how each principle is applied in my life, what I feel the definition is and what I have learned so far, if anything, from applying the principle in my life.  As always, if you would like to leave a comment or email me due to anonymity, I always love hearing from y'all.  And, if there is ever anything that I can explain better or you have a question, please let me know.

Thanks to those who have read this and hopefully, I have helped, in some small way, you or someone you know to begin on that road of recovery.  The disease of addiction cannot be cured but we can arrest it, put it to sleep, lock it up and away and eventually lose that desire to use.  Maybe I have helped that person just make it through today.  It does not matter to me, if this helps someone then that is just icing on the cake.  Just sayin'.......