Doing Something Different

As I sit here looking back on the past 4 years, I am so grateful for the experiences I have had and the ones that are yet to come.  You see 4 years ago today, I was stuck on stupid!  A total and complete mess.  So far in the throws of addiction I could not see past 'that next one'.  Sad, yes it was.  Having no idea what to do next.  Until that deer, God bless that deer, hit the driver door of the car and I looked into her eyes.  Big deep brown glaring straight through me.  I could feel the deer slide down the side of the car.  As I looked back she lay in the middle of the road motionless.  I felt for sure I had killed her.  As I drove around and around in circles looking here and there for that 'next one' I came back down the same road as before.  I slowed down and as I came upon the spot the deer and I met, she was gone.  Thank you God I didn't kill her.

It was after being in recovery that my mom told me that the deer must have been my wake call, so to speak.  And as I think about that even today, yes, she is correct.  That deer and her look as she slid to the road hit something in me especially when I realized that I had not killed her.  I have not been the same since.  I knew that I had to some how find my way home.  Home to a family that really did love me and care about me.

Since entering into recovery I look back from time to time and remember.  Remember those feelings and I see the growth my life has had.  Now don't get it twisted, I still have lots of growing to do, hopefully till the day God takes me home.  And yes, I remember that last day just as clear as if it were yesterday.  I have to remember.  I have learned in recovery that if I don't remember that last day, that leaves room for it to happen again.  All the mistakes that I make, I remember them and keep them all fresh so as not to repeat them again.  Trying something different today and seeing that it works, just as long as I don't use.

Recovery has taught me that I am going to make mistakes.  What matters is what I do with it after the mistake has been made.  If I discard it, throw it away and forget about it, that same thing may/will get me again.  But if I look at it, figure out why I made that mistake and then file it away in hopes not to repeat the same mistake.  Approach the situation in a different way.  Yes, today, I do something different.

As I celebrate 4 years in recovery I pray that if you have a problem, a situation that you are in the grip of, know that there is help.  There are others just like you.  We all look at how we are different but we must see how we are the same.  We did the same things.  Lived our life the same way.  But not today, today I, we can do something different.  In recovery, I have a choice.  You have a choice.  Everyone has a choice, just as long as we don't use.

It's that simple, DON'T USE NO MATTER WHAT!!!  Life will get better, slowly.  We have to remain clean through the good, bad and indifferent.  Each day will get just a little better than the last day.  I will get better each day if I just don't use!!  No matter what I have to face that day.  No matter what!!

Life is so much better, more wonderful without using.  I still have 'bad' days but not like when I was using.  Bad days today are like 'okay, I have a flat tire' but today I know that I can change the flat tire with a good one and keep it moving.  Problem solved, move on to the next one.  Just keep it moving forward.  Forward is the way to go for if I stop, I am subject to repeat mistake after mistake after mistake...you know that crazy ride you can't seem to get off of.  Well, you can, I can get off and do something different.  Life does get better!

I thank God everyday for the experiences in life that I have had for they make me the person I am today, but they do not define me.  They do not control me today.  Yes, I will always be an addict, but I choose today to be a 'clean addict' that is trying something different today and moving, looking forward.  God is so good.  Life is good.  Recovery is good.

Thank you to those folks that are in and have been a part of my life on this journey I am taking.  It is because of your support that I know I can keep moving forward.  It is because of you that I know life is worth living and living it clean.  There is no other way to do it.  Mistakes will still be made but lessons will be learned as well.  Always trying to do it better than the last time in a different way.

Understand than some or all of this will not make sense to everyone.  Those that do make sense out of it know the life that I speak of before and after using.  Especially before and during the time in life that using ruled.  If you have a problem and don't know where to turn, go to my resource page, your answer may be there.  Reach out to someone that you know cares for you.  No one can help anyone if they don't know they need help, so ask.  You will be surprised at the help you will get.  You will know in your 'gut' if it's right or not.  You may have to learn what is right and what is wrong but there are those that can help teach that as well.  Whatever your problem may be, someone can help in some way or another.  Just ask.  That's all it takes is to ask.

Start small.  Don't move so fast.  Stop to enjoy and smell the flowers.  Life is a beautiful journey, enjoy it all.  Learn from it all.  Each experience we have there is something to be learned from it.  It may be as small as, be kind to others, but there is still that lesson to be learned.

As always I pray that this is in someway helpful to someone else, no matter your need.  I am truly grateful to God for the ability to reach out and touch so many and help just that one.

'Pits' Happen!

First, let me say that in no way, shape or form am I using this blog to brag or boast about myself or to make it sound as if I am better or above others.  Yes, I am proud of what I have accomplished over the past 4 years.  But I, or anyone for that matter, am entitled to be proud of their self every now and then and I am no different.  As I look toward the weeks end, I am humbled by my experiences in life and recovery.  Hard to believe that four years ago on November 23 my life changed and I have enjoyed most of the changes since then.  There have been, and will be, times that I would like to have gone differently, but everything has it's own purpose and process.  I cannot change anyone but myself...

Where do I go from here...forward, always forward.  The past is just that, the past!  Accept it for what it is, learn all that you can from it and move forward with your life.  Sounds easy enough right??  Well, not always.  No one promised me that my life was going to be a 'bowl of cherries' in recovery, trust me there are 'pits' along the way.  What makes the difference is not the 'cherries' but the 'pits'.  How you handle them, work through them, and accept them for what they are.  I truly feel that I have grown so much over the last 4 years, but realize that there is a lot of growth left.  If I play my cards right, I will be growing until the day God takes me home.  And that is more than alright with me!

I understand there are those that have a hard time understanding a 12 step program.  This talk of a 'Higher Power'.  Hearing folks say you can make it whatever you want your Higher Power to be, like that 'doorknob'.  What folks need to realize and understand is that 12 step programs are not religion in nature, but are very spiritual.  I must remember that there are those that are in programs that do not believe in God as I do.  Not all have experience with religion and Christianity as I do and others do as well.  And again, I said 'I' because this is my thoughts and feelings and point of view, no one else's.

Being raised in the church does not automatically make me a Christian.  Nor does it mean that I am not a Christian in the eyes of God.  Me, I am religious and spiritual.  That is all because, I feel, I was raised in the church and understand, or have my own understanding of God and His will for me.  Take this blog for example, it is only through the love and direction that God has given me for this blog to be written.  Many do not know that when I started the blog, my reading level and ability to spell were, well kinda non-existent.  Thanks to the help of my mother, who proof reads all my post, and the encouragement I receive from others in my life today.

So, you ask, what are you saying to us today Janie?  Well, there will be struggles throughout your life.  Good times as well as bad times that you will have to handle.  You will make mistakes along the way, but learn from them and do something different next time, if there is a next time.  Become and remain humble, no one is better than anyone else.  Remain teachable, accepting, open-minded.  There can be no growth without knowing and understanding these principle on a daily basis.  We all have our own set of circumstances that we must work with and learn to live with.  Circumstances can be changed, but are you willing to do the footwork that may be required for them to change?  Do they need to change?  Only you can answer those questions for yourself.

As stated before, life can be a bowl of cherries, but there will always be pits.  What you do with those pits can determine what path your life will take next.  I can understand, today, why the pits are needed from time to time.  Thank God for allowing me this ability to share in a way that can help someone else.  That is what this blog is intended for, helping one other person or more.  But if just one person can take and use anything that I post then I feel that I have done what was needed at that time.  All I pray for is that a seed be planted.  That is all I can ask to happen.  For as long as a seed is planted there is always possibilities for growth.  Renewed life.  New beginnings.

I hope that I have planted many seeds with this tool, this blog, that I have.  You will be amazed at what you can do if you use the tools that have been given to you.  Yes, I feel that God has given me the tool of writing, expressing myself in words, so that I may reach out and plant that seed in someone, anyone that is in need.  The holiday season is upon us and I pray that all remember that it is not always 'all about self'.  Get outside of yourself and see how different life can be.  Be kind to others for you may not know the exact nature of their life at that time.  As the saying goes 'don't judge a book by it's cover'.  Judgement is not ours to do, that is God's place and His alone.

May you all have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving next week.  Remember to be thankful for the things you have.  Not the material things, but the principles you live by today.  Like love, compassion, humility, and acceptance, tolerance and so on.  Those are the things that we carry with us and that make us who we are.  Material things are just that, material.  They can be taken away just as they were given.  The principles by which you live can only be taken away by you and you alone.

This post is lengthy but I just felt the need to say all the things that I shared.  I so appreciate those that read my post and those that let me know what they think for that is the only way that I am able to see that my seeds are planted and I pray for their growth.  Love and much respect to each of you.

This Is Awesome!

First let me say that it feels good to be back and writing my blog.  The following is dedicated the the men and woman of  our country's armed forces that have served to protect us and our country.  Some of the information that I share in this post is from research that I have done.

Veteran's Day is a time to honor those who have served our country in the armed forces.  Up until 1973, the men that made up our armed forces were drafted to do so.  In 2011, a man retired from active service and he was the last one in active service that was drafted.  So, this information tells me that the men and women that make up our armed forces now are completely and totally voluntary.  Can you wrap your mind around that for just a moment?  If these facts are correct then every single man and woman that is serving to protect these United States of America is doing so because they want to.  No one has drawn their name or number and said you 'have to' do this!  Man, that is powerful.

To think that all, yes all of America's armed forces are purely voluntary.  Now, men still must register when they turn 18 to the Selective Service.  This is done in case there is ever a need for combat soldiers.  It is completely random as to how persons are picked to serve if need be.  It is all done by a lottery of sorts.  That way no one can say that the Selective Service System is being partial to someone due to their status in society.  Ever one is on the same level, same playing field and have the same chances as the next guy.  Women are not required to register.  The reason given is not that they are not able to service, but that the registration is for the purpose to prepare for a draft of combat troops.  For now, women are excluded from combat therefore not included.

Failure to register with the Selective Service is a felony and punishable by 5 years of imprisonment or $250,000 fine.  Per my research, no one has been prosecuted for failure to comply since 1986.  Prosecution has not been done for it has been found that it is counter productive, difficult to prove knowing and willful intent.  Most don't register or they register late or change addresses without notifying Selective Services.  Not registering can lead to loss of federal employment, loss of eligibility for federal financial aid for college.

I say all of this information to say this:  THANK YOU!!!!  Thank you so much for the service you have provided to the armed force that you were a part of.  It is partly due to you that people like me can walk freely, speak freely, and live the life of a completely free person that has protection even when we don't know we need it.  Thank you for your service to these United States!

With what little information I have provided here can you even, for just a moment, imagine what type of person it takes to volunteer for the armed forces of this nation?  Think for just a moment of how many persons we are talking about...how many, of their own free will, protect and defend this country so you and I can live a life of freedom!!  Man, that is an awesome thought.  It puts chill bumps on my arms just trying to imagine how many people, men and women, that have done this over the years.  WOW!!

All Americans and all people of other nationalities should be grateful to live here and to have the protection that we do from others that may want to do us harm.  Our country is in need of help to maintain her principles for living free.  We, no I, must be thankful to each and everyone of the men and women that have served this country through wars and disagreements, things that we can't even imagine.

I see my country starting to crumble as it seems that somehow, some way  something or someone is spreading HATE throughout our great nation.  People demanding this or that or to be treated like this or not to refer to some with words that have been use for decades.  Everyone screaming for people to be 'politically correct'!  People saying things about our troops that are aboard.  Yes, I want them to come home but we all must remember that these men and women have volunteered and know from the very beginning that a 'tour of duty' in foreign lands are possible and probable.

Again, I understand that you want your loved ones home, on American soil.  But we cannot lose faith in the fact that there are men and women that want to be in service for the country.  They choose to do so.  And they take pride, lots of pride, to serve their nation.  They take pride in what they do and how they do it for no other nation can say "folks around here can sleep 'peacefully' tonight without the worries that may come from living in a country with no form of armed services.

Today, of all days, is a time for us all to say 'THANK YOU' to those men and women that have served this nation.  It is time to tell those veterans how much you appreciate their service so you can feel safe 24/7.  That you appreciate them protecting and trying to ensure that Americans can go about their daily lives protected and secure knowing that there are men and women that work round the clock to provide them with this assurance.

For me, yes I would love to see out troops come home.  But in reality, I pray that God will protect the men and women of our armed forces.  That their families can find comfort in knowing that they are serving their country because they want to, they believe in what they are asked to do, they are proud Americans that do what I cannot do for myself or by myself.  What an overwhelming thought that men and women I don't and you don't even know, most we will never meet, but they have laid their lives on the line simply to protect these United States of American.  That is absolutely awesome and powerful thought..

I pray that you understand just a little bit of what I am feeling for our Veterans today.  Today is ALL about those that have served.  It is just an awesome feeling to know that people I don't know are working for me to have peace of mind, to feel secure, to feel and know that I am protected, yes, simply put 'THIS IS AWESOME!!!

Life…

 

Received this in an email some time back and thought it should be shared.  Unknown as to the author, but hits home in more ways than one…

You know. . . time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. And I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is... the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...its over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

A New Chapter Has Begun...

We all experience new and wonderful, and sometimes not so wonderful, things in life.  Our lives are like a book with many chapters that define and explain our life...

A new chapter in my life began once I entered into recovery.  You see, if I had just stopped using, I would most likely still have chaos in my life.  Addiction is not all about the drugs, it is the compulsive and obsessive behavior that we have, or I have.  The low self esteem, self-centeredness, and selfishness are all a part of an addictive mind.  These are the actions, emotions that help to drive us, or me, to use dope.  When using, I felt like someone.  Like I fit in.  I felt accepted.

Recovery for me is an inside job.  If I am not working on my recovery then my addiction is working on me.  And that devil of addiction will pop it's ugly head up at any given time in my day to day life.  But if I am working on me, loving myself, and understanding that I do matter, then I can keep that demon addiction from raising it's head.  Now, don't get it twisted, my addiction is waiting around every corner, down every path, and in others just to get me and kill me.  So as an addict, I understand that not using is not recovery.  So, a new chapter begins.

A little over 3 years ago, I got clean and have been that way ever since.  During this time I have also been working on myself.  Learning and relearning principles and how to apply them to my life.  That, for me, is recovery.  The things that I am learning and relearning are things that lots of folks take for granted.  Not me, I must stay mindful of my thoughts and actions throughout my day.

Knowing that doing the next right thing for the right reason will keep me in the middle of my recovery has worked miracles in my life.  New chapter, entered into recovery.  New chapter, my daughter and my family all understand my disease and what I need to fight against it.  They love me today, not judging me on my past.  A new chapter, I have my daughter back in my life with a relationship I would not change for anything in this world.  A new chapter, I grew up learning of God.  In my recovery, God takes my hand and I follow Him and I pray to Him asking for His will for me and the power to carry it out.

Once again, a new and wonderful chapter has begun, I am a grandmother!  As I begin this journey as a grandmother I am excited and a little afraid, but that is just because this is new, never having experienced anything like this before.  Becoming a parent, as well as I can remember, seemed to be this wonderful of a blessing.  Some of that I know is because I am a different person now than when my daughter was born. Don't get me wrong, she was and still is my blessing.  My baby girl and she will always be my baby girl no matter what happens..  She and I have worked on our relationship.  I have worked on my relationship with her step mother, for she did something that at one time I was unable to do, be a mother to my daughter.  That is what active addiction did for me.  It took everything I loved and cherished away.

This new chapter has been wonderful so far and I am feeling that it is only the beginning of great things to come.  Have not seen this new addition to my family but will be seeing her next week.  I am so excited and so proud of my daughter and her husband.  He, her husband, was a gem with her in labor and delivery.  He kept me posted throughout the entire day and night until this little bundle of joy came into this world.

New chapters in our lives are not always so wonderful and we can find it hard to see the blessing that it contains, but it's there.  You just have to look until you see it, recognize it so that it helps you make it through the chapter of life.  Yes, at times it is hard to find what the blessing is but when you do, your whole life becomes different.  You have a purpose to work toward and achieve.  New chapters can and are scary at times, but these are the chapters that make us what we are today.  They are the chapters that allow us to experience humility, to become humble, that allow us to have integrity, to learn spiritual principles and how to apply them in our lives.

Today, I look forward to each new chapter my life gives me.  I do the best I can to take full advantage of the lessons they contain.  My past chapters, no matter how difficult, make me the person I am today.  Going through things that I would have never dreamt of and coming out the other side stronger, wiser.  This new chapter is no different than all the past chapters.  It is just the next step in my life and molding and growing into the person I am suppose to be.

Thank you God and everyone of you that have and are in my life.  Those that stand by me.  Try to understand me.  And above any other, love me for me.  That is my recovery working.  God doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  I sincerely thank you all and I know that each of you are a small blessing in the chapters of my life that you are a part of.  I thank you for that and appreciate each one of you for the part or parts you play or have played in my life.

Another new chapter has begun...

Is it Really Worth It?

 

The inside of the house is painted and now we are in the process of sorting through, throwing away, and cleaning stuff as we go.  Some of these things I have not seen in over 3 years.  It is hard at times, because it brings about a wave of emotions that I didn’t think about having.  It lets me know just how far I have come in my recovery and my life.  Today, I know I am not the same person as the letter below portrays.

This letter was written years ago when I was in the throws of active addiction head strong.  Not thinking about anyone or anything other than MYSELF!  It is with my mama’s blessings that I share this in hopes that someone, anyone may read this and wake up and take back your life.  It is all up to you.  You are the only one that can do anything about your life:

It’s the middle of the night and I am unable to sleep because my eyes and heart are so full of tears, all over the loss of you.  What is it going to take for you to realize that you are making some bad choices?  The loss of your daughter, mother and father and the rest of your family doesn’t seem to bother you at all. In fact, it has all been your choice.

I’m not saying we don’t love you or that you don’t love us, but if you can’t find time to see us while we are still living – then don’t bother coming around or shedding any tears when we are gone. 

Your daddy and I are not in the best of health and we certainly aren’t getting any younger, but you just stay where you are and look after your ‘friends’ because they need you.

It’s been a year since you decided to leave this town and all of us here.  You seem to have managed to lose everything you ever had and now you don’t even try to get a decent paying job, because you know they will test you for drugs and you know, and I know you are using!

How stupid do you think we are?  You have changed so much in the last year, that I don’t even feel like I know you anymore at all.

This is a letter I have been thinking of writing to you for quite sometime now and it took your putting your friends first, yet again to trigger my action.  When I called and asked you to go with me to Columbia, I knew you wouldn’t, yet I hoped maybe you would.  Well, you proved me right, so as far as I am concerned right now I have lost a daughter, but I will dry my eyes and do the best I can to get over it.  I do love you more than I can say, but I cannot keep being hurt like you hurt me.

Just don’t bother calling me with your excuses and apologies.  I don’t want to hear them.  You take care of yourself and those you seem to care about.

If I sound upset, it’s because I am, but I’ll be alright and remember ‘I do LOVE you!

Your Mama

I share this letter just so that you, if you are using, in active addiction, or doing things that is driving a wedge between you and your loved ones, how your action hurt the very ones that love you more than anyone and no matter what, they want to help.  It is hard on them for they know that YOU, me, are the only ones that can ‘fix’ the problem.  Once you, I, decided that we do need help, then the healing can began.

Being in recovery is the best life I have ever had and I now understand how I hurt my family to their core.  But with the help of many and God, I have them back in my life.  They are my support to get from one day to the next.

Suicide……

 

They did what?  Why did they do that?  What could have been so bad as to take one’s own life?  These are some of the questions one may ask themselves if someone they know commits suicide.  This is a ‘touchy’ subject to say the least, but one that I have been praying for God’s guidance in writing this post.  I, myself, do not have any experience in the thinking process nor the attempting process.  What I do have is the knowledge that in active addiction anything and everything is possible for every addict.  No addict is exempt from anything.  Just because I have not experienced something myself, only means that if I should go back out to use, I to am eligible for anything to happen.

So, I have done a little research on this topic and want to express that this in no way is being directed to anyone person or event.  So many of the people I grew up with, went to school with, have for whatever reason found it necessary to end their life by their own hand.  Also, I would like to add that no one, not any of us knows what kind of relationship another person may or may not have with God.  It is not my place nor anyone’s place to question this fact, the only one that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt what their relationship with the God of their understanding is that person and God.  No one else.

Suicide is about the 8th leading cause of death.  On an average 29,000 people commit suicide each year.  Approximately 50% of all suicides involve alcohol and/or illegal drug use for those that commit suicide, they test positive for drugs and/or alcohol present in their body at the time of death.  About 25% of completed suicides, the person had a drug and/or alcohol abuse problem.  Folks that are 30 years or younger, are increasing in the number of suicides.  This is in part because of substance abuse that is now among young adults.  More men than women choose suicide  The rate or percentage of deaths each year has increased for death by suicide.  Some experts say that financial stress that people are now facing is a major contributor.  Baby Boomers’ rate of suicide are the highest and it is unknown as to why. 

People will say “that was so selfish of them.”  Not sure that I agree with that for my experience with using tells me that someone who chooses suicide as the answer to whatever maybe happening in their life feels like there is no other way to stop the pain of using or to live life in a way that they are happy.  Still, I think, there are those that are so very depressed and they lose themselves to the disease of addiction.

What may causes someone to choose suicide as a way out, I can kinda relate to.  There was a period in my active addiction that I prayed and asked God to take me out.  Just end it right now.  I begged and pleaded with Him to do everyone in my life a favor and take me out.  I was so tired of being tired.  A feeling of worthlessness, being dirty, and unloved consumed me.  The thoughts of suicide did run across my mind a couple of times toward the end of active addiction, but I never acted on them.  I can relate to the low self esteem, feeling of deep depression, feeling like a square trying to ‘fit in’ a round hole.

Seeing what committing suicide can do to the ones left behind.  It is truly a sad picture that this paints for us.  Some seem to feel ashamed or embarrassed when someone they love chooses this way to go.  And I know that one reason is the way the world views ‘the act of suicide’.  The lost looks on their faces as to ‘what do I do now’, ‘what do I tell people when they ask’, ‘maybe no one will ask’, and other feelings arise from this act.  I sometimes think that being uneducated about something is part of the reason there are question of this nature.  What we, or I as I need to keep this on me, was taught growing up, is that suicide is wrong.

That is something that I can never shake, feeling as if it is wrong.  So I did my research and that in and of itself is why I  stated at the beginning that no one can know what is truly in someone’s heart.  No one can fully understand someone’s beliefs in God or not in God.  Only that person and God know what the deal between them may  be.  Only God can see directly into our hearts and be ‘all knowing’ as to our mindset.

I urge you to do your research before you ever make a decision on anything or any body.  We don’t always know ‘what’, ‘why’, or ‘where’.  We all have questions when someone chooses suicide, for we, or I, cannot fully understand what the person’s relationship with God may be.  I do know that I, myself, knows where one would be coming from in a deep depressed state of mind.  I understand that there are those who have lost the mind they had and are lost inside themselves.  In active addiction, there are things that happen, how people change when using and what that drug may do to them that it will not do to others.

Please do not read more in to this post than what is here.  That this being simply a statement as to the number of people that I know or have known that decided to ‘check out’ themselves by suicide.  It is a statement to hopefully get some to understand that no one can know a persons relationship with God.  It is a statement hoping that you will research this and any other subject that you are unsure as to how or what you feel about it.  It is, in and of itself, a statement that though I do not fully understand the act of suicide, I do and will remain as positive as I can that they are where they should be.  That there is a change in the religious realm to the ideas put out there for man to explore and find their own true answer.

May you all understand:  To the ones of  you that have left this world by your own hand, I am praying for you and your families.  Praying for knowledge so as not to judge you because of this act of suicide.  Praying that others will do what is needed for them to understand and be at peace with someone who has chosen this ‘way out’ for them.  That you and I can look at the act of suicide and not be critical or judgmental.  That we can look closely and just try to understand a small amount of what that person must have been going through and that they did or had already accepted Christ into their lives.

I pray that if you have or are having feelings that suicide is the answer, please talk to someone first.  Give people a chance to understand why and that you understand why yourself.  That you would reach out to someone that can maybe help you with whatever it is that you are feeling like committing suicide.

I pray for those that have gone ahead to the next world by way of suicide that they did know and understand fully their actions and that God had been accepted by them.  For all things are possible with God’s love.  For their families and friends to try to understand that it was not an act of selfishness.  Understand what that person may have been going through and how they may have looked at their own situation in life.  And pray that the person had accepted God and knew Him in their own way.

Dad, on Father’s Day…(What I feel a Dad Should Be)…

 

A dad is someone that is there, every step of the way, with you on your journey through life.  A man of integrity.  Not someone that did their part in making you but not their part in teaching you.  It takes a special kind of man to be called ‘dad’.

That man that provides for his family.  Loves his family unconditionally.  A man that takes pride in his family and the unity they have.  He is the first man a daughter learns to love and respect.  He is the first man that a son learns what being a man ‘really’ means.

He is a dad in every sense of the word.  Someone that will or has taught  you right from wrong, how to treat someone, how to love unconditionally.  A man that will teach you respect and commitment.  A man that will always be there in the good times and bad times.

Dad is someone that you know will always have your back.  A man that has been in your life to show and teach you all these things.  He is a man that will let you know that it is okay to cry and he will dry your tears when they fall.

A man that will show you how to learn from others in your life.  How to have healthy and loving relationships.  How to throw a ball, ride a bike, and shoot hoops.  He will teach you to skip rocks across the water, how to fish, hunt and the things you need to know about nature.  A dad is someone who will protect you from the evils of this world as long as he can.  A man that will never deny being a dad or a father to you.

He is the one that will teach you about God and how He is the greatest Father of all.  That He is the one a dad looks to for guidance, understanding and unconditional love.  That if you allow, accept God in to your life, all things are possible.  A dad will teach you or teach you to put God first in your life for that is the way things should be.

This is just my idea of what a dad, father, pops is like.  My dad is the man that showed me these things and taught me these things.  Yes, it DOES take a special man to be called dad, father, pops.  A very special man indeed…..

Children Are Precious…

As I sit here reflecting over the years of my life, a smile always comes to my face when I think of my daughter.  She is celebrating her 27th birthday today.  Plus, she and her husband are expecting their first child in a few weeks.  It is just hard to believe sometimes that all this is happening.  She should still be my little girl.  I know in a sense she is, but she has grown up into this beautiful, intelligent woman.  A woman that knows what she wants in life and how to get it.  She is strong, bright, and loving.  I know, just because she’s my daughter doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have flaws.  I’m sure she does, but they are minor compare to the attitude she has about life.

This time, just right before her birthday, my mind will start to wonder back on how she has grown.  The accomplishments she has and the direction her life is headed.  It always brings tears to my eyes to know that my child is so unselfish, caring, loving and giving of herself to others.  I have so much gratitude for the life she lives today.

She has not had an easy road to ride on.  There have been many obstacles along the way.  She has faced them, learned from them and moved on past them.  That is what I am talking about.  I was not always there for her as I should have been.  There has been another lady that has help to mold my daughter into the woman she is today and for that I am grateful.  Understand that due to my addiction, I could not care for myself, much less care for my daughter.

God is good!!  The three of us understand the others roles and the parts we play in each others lives.  My daughter has been so very blessed and for that I am grateful.  The things that I could not do for her, God laid a path for her to follow and she still follows today.  With God as her guide she can not go wrong.

She is a teacher and loves her students as if they were her own.  She lives for the time that she has with them.  Helping them, guiding them and caring for their well being and their future.  She does everything in her power to teach her students in their studies in order for them to have the grades to graduate from high school.  With the passion she has how can anyone not adore her?  How can anyone not appreciate her and her talents?

And please don’t misunderstand, I say these things because they are true, not because I am her mother. 
Well, some because I am her mother, but more than that she is this person I have described to you.  If you know her, you love her.  If you don’t know her, maybe one day you will have the chance and if that day should ever come take the chance.  She has taught me so much about life, love and myself.  She is such a blessing to me and all that she touches.

When I think of her becoming a mother, I just fill up.  My emotions take over and tears flow down my face.  Not from sadness, but from over abundant love and pride.  Knowing that she is going to be the greatest mom any child could ask for.  She has the conviction that a soon to be mom needs.  The conviction to be the best mother a child could ask for.  Just as strong as her conviction to be the best wife she can to the love of her life.

They both are starting on a path that they both feel strongly about and are excited about the new adventures ahead of them.  Both new at this parenting thing but willing to do what it will take to nourish and teach this child the rights from the wrongs, love from hate, joy from sadness.  Together in this, on this new path they will conquer mountains, the ups and downs that come with this new job.  Bold, bright and daring, together they will work hand in hand so that their child can have a life filled with love, affection and a strong sense of security.

This is what I want for my child and her family.  Thank you God for allowing me to be a part of this woman’s life and for the chance to have someone call me ‘mom’.  Thank you for the gift that you have blessed her with and a chance to hear ‘grandma’ from another.  Dear Lord, please keep them in your care and shower you blessing over them abundantly.  May it be Your will for them to have wonderful experiences of parenting.

Today, the day of her birth, may it be a day to remember and cherish in her life.  May her experience as a parent be both fulfilling and rewarding.
Thank you God for letting me be her mother and for allowing her the same experience that is like no other…Happy Birthday Nicole, I love you Baby Girl!!!

To Make An Amends or Not…

 

Been doing a lot of meditating and praying on how to handle some feelings I felt when reading about a recovering addict and the relationship with their children.  I do have some experience, strength and hope on this subject and others have shared with me, so I think I will share…

In active addiction, I was only thinking of myself, no one else, not even my children.  I was and have always been a people pleaser.  Never wanted anyone to be mad or hate me.  Tried to make everyone happy even if I was or not.  Please understand that the following is a combination of my experience and others that have shared with me, even though it is written as my experience only.  I keep it all on me so others can relate…

When we are in active addiction, it is hard enough trying to care for ourselves much less our children.  Lots of times the children become the adults taking care of us.  I have heard, and at one point in my own recovery, what can I do to make my children understand what I was going through, that I do love and care about them, that they do mean something to me, and so on.  Most of the time the answer is not what we want to hear or believe but it is the truth as far as I am concerned.  Nothing, that’s right, nothing.

We can not make someone think this or that.  Feel this or that. And they cannot understand our mind set in active addiction unless they themselves have experienced it.  Yes, we love our children.  Yes, we did not always do right by them.  Yes, they do matter and mean something to us.  But, for this recovering addict anyway, there is only so much I can do to ‘fix’ things. 

First, I must understand that I cannot make them feel good, bad or indifferent about anything or anyone.  What I can do is not use no matter what.  Live my life as an example of trying to do the right thing for the right reason.  I don’t just need to ‘learn’ spiritual principals, I have to apply them to my life each and every day.  Keep my hands ‘off’ of what it is or who I am trying to fix.

As time goes on things get clearer to us and to the ones who hurt in active addiction.  We remember what things we did or didn’t do, how we treated someone, what things we did for ‘just one more.’  I cannot change the past nor the mistakes that I have made over the years.  I can only try to the best of my ability to do what is right now.  Live my life in a manner in which you can see the change.  Recovery is many things to me but most of all it is a great teacher.  There is so much to learn from others in recovery.  How to or how not to do things.  Coming to terms with myself and the damage I have done, I have to be willing and able to accept that there may never be a relationship where there once was.

Just because I got ‘clean’ does not mean that I am not the same selfish person I was in active addiction, it just means that I stopped using mind and/or mood altering drugs, including alcohol.  Once I entered into recovery, that is where the work on me began and continues to this day.  My children, loved ones will have to decide in their own time, not mine, how they feel about me.  How they want our relationship to grow or move forward or to not exist at all.  I understand today that I am not the only one I hurt in my using.  I have damaged and have destruction with most if not all the things and people that were in my life when I was using.

My addiction was my life.  There was no room for anything or anyone else.  And the funny thing is that I know exactly how I made folks feel because my father has been sober for over 30 years.  Addiction runs through both sides of my family.  I know first hand what it can do and what it does do and you cannot stop it or change it.  That is the hardest part for me, I know what my children have gone through because I have been there and done that.  Addiction strips you until there is nothing left, just a burned out hollow of a person that doesn’t live but only exist. 

My children grew up watching me get high.  Sometimes they even joined in drinking and partying.  Not at all proud of those times, actually I am sicken by the mere thought.  All I wanted to do once I entered into recovery, is make my children love me the way I wanted to be loved.  Soon I realized that it doesn’t work that way.  I must allow them to be where they are, feel what they need to feel, even if it means that they are no longer a part of my life, I must be able to accept the decision they make.  I cannot make it for them.  Prayer goes a long way in my recovery.

With out God in my life, steering my bus, I could still be  completely and utterly unattached with my recovery.  I must ask God what is His will for me and to please give me the power to carry in out, no matter what.  My children, family, loved ones and friends are going to feel how they feel about me regardless of what I might say to them.  The best, now this is just me, thing I can do is apologize for exactly what I have done where they each are concerned.  Live life as honestly and as truthful as I can and maybe in time the wounds will heal.  Thing can get better.  But I must remember that not everyone will be accepting of my amends.

My family is truly one like no other, for me anyway.  After all the lies and broken promises, I have one more chance to be honest, trustworthy, loved.  Today I can do those things and more.  I have been able to make it from one day to the next without the use of drugs or anyone.  Recovery has taught me that even though I have done things that are not so nice, I am not a bad person.  Just a person who has made bad decisions in their life.  I must change and I am happy to say I have changed.  I must allow my children and other family members to be where they are and allow them to process things at their own speed.

I know that for me as long as I do the next right thing for the right reason, every thing will be okay and as it should be.  I can only be responsible for myself and my actions, not someone else and their reactions.

I do hope you got something from this, that it made some kind of sense.  Amends are not easy to do.  But they are for me a necessary element in my recovery.  They keep me honest and open minded to new ideas and new possibilities.  I do my very best not to have any amends today, but there are those times that I do slip up and an amends is needed, so it is given.

Not everyone in your life will be forgiving, but some will.  For those that are not, do not get angry with them, remember it is because of your actions they feel the way they do and to protect themselves from hurt again.  For those that do accept an amends, do not make it just to save face, make it because you are truly sorry for you actions and you are willing to own those actions to see that it doesn’t happen again.  We all have defects of character that we need to work on even for folks that are not addicts.  Everyone has them, they may not know it or think they don’t but we all do and learning to work on them so they don’t show their ugly faces is a life long process, for me it is anyway…

Life on Life’s Terms…

 

Is it a great feeling when life shows up and you are not ready for it or have no idea what to do?  I can relate to life showing up.  Take for example my health.  I have fibromyalgia and a few other things that include solid edema and PTSD.  All these things and then the drug addiction.  Want to talk about life on life’s terms???  Okay, let’s….

With the illnesses that I have, I have to take medication on a timely schedule 4 times each day.  Now, nothing that I take at this time is narcotic, but that does not mean that I will never have to take narcotics.  It’s just that right now I don’t have to.  As each day passes, I sit and wonder what will I do if and when that day arrives.  For now, I just don’t think about it.  I have learned to not dwell on things that I have little or no control over.  The best thing I can do is what my doctor tells me to do and not to do.

Prayer and talking about these type things with another person also helps.  In active addiction, I never made a ‘good’ decision and in recovery I have learned to talk about things before I act on them.  Now, I am only human and I don’t work the ‘perfect program’ but I do work one.  As part of my program I talk to other recovering addicts about different things that happen in my life and in theirs.  That is how we learn about things in recovery by talking to each other about the events in our lives and how we handle them.  You see I don’t have to go through some things because others have already gone through them and I have learned how to get through and what to and what not to do.  And that is how recovery, attending a 12 step program is what I do for my recovery.

Over this past winter, I have had new issues arise in my health.  Being without health insurance and no income at this time, makes it hard to get the health care that I need when I need it.  If it were not for my mom and my sister I don’t know where I would be.  Knowing that RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) runs in my family, I am always a worry wart when I have new aches and pains that can be symptoms of RA.  You see I know that more than likely the pains that I have in my upper legs, arms and back are from the fibro.  But when my hands, feet, toes and fingers go to acting up more than normal, I get concerned.  Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup for the issues with my hands and feet seem to be getting worse.  Knowing that I should have gone months ago, I just could not get comfortable with what I ‘thought’ was wrong or going on.  So, about 2 weeks ago I went in for blood test and today had visit with my doctor to discuss my lab results.

To my happy surprise, labs, blood work reports were all good.  Now for me all good is not like most folks.  All good is that nothing ‘new’ seems to be happening and all my major organs seem to be functioning as they should.  Yes, fibromyalgia can affect major organs and the brain.  It seems that at this point mine is attacking my hands and feet.  My feet have been swollen since before I was diagnosed and now my hands stay swollen 24/7.  Have not been able to wear closed in shoes in about 3 years now.

My newest issues are stabbing pain, numbness and just overall soreness in my hands and feet.  And there you have the reason why ‘RA’ pops in my head.  Now, since I know that it is not RA, I can start trying to come to terms with what ‘is’ going on, my fibro is progressing.  Unfortunately, since the things in the medical world still have no specific cause for fibro, I fear that I will never be as I once was.  I have had to change my life style so much because of my addiction and now health issues that there are times I am not sure I am me.  Sounds crazy, yes, but for those of you out there that are in recovery, deal with health issues daily, I know you understand.

Trust me, I do know that my life would be a lot worse if I did not have God as number one.  He has had me in His hands for a long time.  Although I cannot work, have zero income, no insurance of any kind, I have what I need.  I sit and wonder, from time to time, what my life may be like if it were not for God’s presence, my mom, my sister, my daughter, my family and the family that I have made in my recovery.  I am so very blessed that I haven’t the words to express the amount of gratitude that I have.  God has provided for my every need and I know that He will continue to do so no matter what my health or financial issues may be.

Things are changing with my health and the medications that I use to cope one day to the next.  You see, I have been on a drug plan with the company that makes most of my medicines free of charge.  Now, they are going to be changing the way they do some of their meds and it appears that each one of mine will be affected.  Am I worried, I would be lying if I said no, so yes, I am a little bit concerned about this recent news.  But I know for a fact that as long as I continue to do God’s will for me, all will be well.

There are many of you out there that understand where it is that I come from.  I appreciate all the prayers, blessings and support you offer.  Without you, I know that things may be worse or at least somewhat harder to handle.  I pray for others everyday as I know they pray for me.  Prayer is a very powerful tool and one that I am proud to say I use daily, sometimes I think God may be tired of hearing me in one day and then I tell myself that He is smiling because He is happy to know that I, for one, do get it.

Again, thank you for your continued support and if you have a comment you would like to leave, you do not have to leave your name.  God bless you all and may your days be filled with joy and happiness.

Mom…

 

I love you 

though I have not met you

You love and protect me

teaching me as I grow,

Guiding me and understanding

you see me through each day

You brought me into this world

but you can’t let me go

You know how cruel and beautiful

life will be to me,

I am here and I see you

My mommy to be

As I come up in life

I know I can always count on you

No other can love me or you

like our mothers do

They cry and laugh at us,

with us, teaching us to care and love each other

You’ve did your best to give

me  the tools I need

For when I marry

I have come to learn

That i too will do these

things for the mother I am to be

A little one, so small and tender

I will then as you taught me

To love hard, live strong and

in the end forgive all

To you, Mother, that bond we have

no one can ever break

For  you had me in your heart

long before I could see the dawn break

What A Crazy Week…

Well, it all started last Saturday when the computers would not connect to the internet and it just kept on keeping on from there…

After about an hour working on the phone with our internet provider, it was determined that the wireless router box had stopped working.  It was decided that we would purchase another wireless router to replace the old one.  A family member told us they probably had an extra router and if so, we could have it. Of course, it would not work with our system.  Mind you, this was the day of mom’s 80th birthday party.  Which she did attend after being told that there were folks waiting on her.  She was really surprised to see all the folks that had come together to help her celebrate.  All things concerned, her being sick, the router box and other minor set backs, the party was a huge success.  Mom said she did feel a little better afterwards.

Sunday was spent with my brother and his family, all but one daughter came up with him.  They all came over to our house to fix breakfast.  It was so great to spend time with all of them and the children were so well behaved.  A wonderful visit was had by all.  The rest of the day was spent resting from all the festivities of the weekend.  Oh, I forgot to mention that my computer also died.  Now this is the computer that has ALL the information that I have gathered for making plans for my high school class reunion.  You got it, computer dies before I could copy to a disc, but not before I put all the information in the Dropbox.  If you don’t have it, you need to get one, free.  Dropbox saved my sanity, to say the least.

Now, Monday has arrived and there is business to take care of.  So, mom and I get ready and have a plan for how to get done what is needed…

We are ready to go.  Head out to the car and you guessed it, the car would not start.  Yep, dead as a door nail.  Call was made to our mechanic to come fix the car and to my sister for a ride to take care of what we needed to do in town.  Sis comes to get us and we head to the bank.  Remember I mention that I am working on my class reunion, that was the reason for the trip to the bank, I needed to get an account in order to pay for the reunion.  I had no idea of what information they would need and wouldn't you know it, we did not have everything needed to open an account.  So that was a bust, so we headed back home.

So, when we got home I called and gathered the information needed for the bank and waited on the mechanic to fix the car.  And all I can think of is acceptance, tolerance, and patience.  That appeared to be what my Higher Power was teaching me.  Hard as those three principles are to practice, I had to continue to remind myself throughout the day and this entire week of these principles and to learn from all of them.  See, my week has not been easy to go from one day to the next.

When I was using, things not going my way was in the top of my list of reasons to use and therefore it was always justified.  Now that the ‘drug fog’ has lifted a little, I see that the only reason for my using was because I wanted to.  At first, it started as a way to stop hurting physically.  You see, I had been in a car wreck several years prior to my using and had damage to my body that required the need for very strong pain medication.  Well, the rest is history, as they say and I am moving forward today.

The mechanic had the car fixed by 11:30 that night on Monday that is.  So, Tuesday, we headed out once more to do what we needed to do.  Went by to pay the mechanic, to the bank to open my account and then on to Walmart to purchase a wireless router.  Things were moving along smooth and easy.  Then, once again, I had to call on my Higher Power to help me to have acceptance, tolerance and patience as I was checking out at Walmart.  I always, always try to check out in the ‘self checkout’.  I have nothing against the cashiers, I just prefer the ‘self checkouts’. I just want to say, ‘Walmart, if you want folks to checkout in a certain way in the ‘self checkout’, tell us.  In the course of checking out, a cashier was there to help me before the checkout continued to say ‘Please wait on an attendant.’  It seems for some reason that checkout would not continue if you pickup and move a full bag out of the way to start another bag.  You ‘must’ slide it.  And then when I started to pay, I had to pay with two types of payment.  Again, who knew that there is a specific ‘order’ to pay depending on what type of payment you are using.  I made it through this but only by saying to myself ‘she is just doing her job, but God please let her help someone else cause I don’t know how much longer I can bite my tongue to not say something rude to this women.

As we were leaving the store, mom wanted to know what all that woman was saying to me and I told her that who knew I had been checking out completely incorrectly almost each time I have used the self checkouts at Walmart.  I stated to mom that I am trying to figure out why if their self checkout is suppose to be done a certain way, where are the signs with instructions??  The attendant stood right beside me the whole time I was checking my items.  She continued to tell me, you were suppose to check that out and pay for it before you check your other items.  These machines are very picky to what method of payment you used and the order in which you use your method of payment if you use different methods.  What??? 
For some reason, my checkout machine had no problem with the order of payment that I used.  See, I told you that if something could go wrong it seemed as if it did go wrong.  We left there and went to IHOP to eat.  Unfortunately, it took a while for us to get our food after we ordered.  There were only two servers and one cook, that was the reason for the long wait.  The floor manager was helping the cook get orders out.  Meal was great and after the sever explained to mom the delay, everything else was okay.  The manger even stated he was sorry for it taking a little longer but they had a short staff that evening.

As the week has progressed, things did get better.  Mom and dad were leaving to go visit my brother and his family over the weekend.  They left out on Thursday and my sister called later that day and invited me out to eat with her.  When we got to the restaurant she had a ‘two for one’ coupon, we could not use.  See, here we go again.  When they scanned the coupon it said ‘used’ meaning that coupon had been use and we could not use it again.  So my sister had to pay for both meals.  The food was great and I had enough left over to eat lunch and supper the next day.  Really liked their food and would like to go back one day.  I know mom would love it.

My days were moving along.  Mom and dad were gone, I was home alone and had the key to the truck if I needed to go somewhere.  Thing is I have two bad knees and the truck is straight drive, no way I can drive that.  Had plans for a friend to pick me up to go to my meeting Friday night.  All ready to go, waiting on my ride when the phone rang.  My ride calling to say there was no way she could make it as her mom had fallen and other things she needed to stay home.  I totally understood and told her thanks for calling.  I immediately called another lady who was just about to turn into the meeting and said she would just keep coming and get me.  Great meeting!

Afterwards as we do on many Friday nights after the meeting several of us headed to Shelby to eat.  You guessed, IHOP here we come.  This experience was okay until we got our food.  One of the lady’s food was under cooked and the manager (the same guy that was there Tuesday night) told our sever that he had other things that were more important that needed his attention and that person with under cooked steak would just have to wait.  I could not believe that he said that, much less loud enough for us to hear him.  And once again, acceptance, tolerance, patience, powerlessness, remember your spiritual principles and live life using them.  When he did make it over, he was, in my opinion very condescending in his tone and things he would said.  He came around the entire table asking how everyone’s meal was, needless to say I did not speak.  Knowing that he ‘really’ did not want to hear my opinion so I continued to eat.  Toward the end of our meal, there were two or three more groups that came in.  One being a motorcycle group that had a very ‘rough’ look about them.

To make this long story short, some person in the ‘biker’ group was rude and cussed the sever, the same sever we had.  I was outside smoking and she came out crying.  I tried to lend her a shoulder to cry on because I have had a job as a sever myself, not easy at all.  She was laughing and smiling when I left so I hope I helped in some small way.

I know that I have not always been the best person, nor have I treated everyone that I had met the way I should have.  This is one of the things that recovery has taught me.  That is that no one, no one, is better than anyone else.  It doesn't mean treat the folks that I want to the same, I and everyone should treat everyone else as they want to be treated.  You know ‘The Golden Rule’???  This is something that I had learned when I was younger but lost in my active addiction.  It doesn't matter if someone is like Hugh Hefner or if they are the bag lady that lives under a bridge, we all should treat each other as ‘human beings’ not like poop on the bottom of your shoe.

Ending this week with a cold rainy weekend and yep, the pilot light of the gas furnace went out and I had no heat Saturday night and part of Sunday.  I read and figured out how to relight the pilot light, so I will not get cold tonight.  I will continue to keep myself on the straight and narrow as best I can.  I will continue to ask God to show me His will and the power to carry it out.  There are a lot of folks that would not be able to keep a cheerful outlook on life if they had to face just one or two of the things I did and they would not be able to go forward with a good outlook on life.  Most folks, not saying that I am perfect for I am no where close, would lash out, try to make others hurt as much or more than they were hurting.  They would give up, go back to using thinking that was the answer.

Again, I so appreciate those of you that support me in this part of my life.  I am only trying to help that next addict, person who is having or has had a bad day, bad week.  That person that someone treats as if they were poop on the bottom of their shoe.  My answer to it all, pray.  Yes, you read that correctly, pray.  With and through prayer, your life can be so much more than you could ask for.  Some of y’all already know that, but there are others like me that it seems hard to stay in the ‘good’ mood all the time.  I am not always in a ‘good’ mood, but I know today that the only one responsible for my mood is me.  And just because I am not in a good mood, that does not give me the right to make others feel bad and take them out of their good mood.

Thanks again for the support and happy reading…

Voices In My Head

"You can do this.  Just get one and no one need know about it.  I'll keep your secret."  "Don't  you do that!  You know what happened the last time.  If you use, you will lose."  "No you won't!  Go ahead!  Just one, that's all you will do, just one!"  "If you pick that up you will regret it from just like before.  You will never be able to get a high like the first one!  You are heading down that same road that leads to death and destruction."

"Don't listen to that.  Remember when you and I were such good friends?  We could talk about anything.  Using is fun and I know you want to.  So, yea, go ahead, get that first one and the rest well..."  "Yes, well... listen to yourself.  Yea, you know where that first one is going to lead you.  And if you start down it, there is no guarantee I can stay and help you get back this time.  Please don't do this.  This is not going to make things better.  Call someone.  You don't need to look for that list you have, you put them all in your phone already!  So, please call someone.  Before you start this cycle all over again, don't take it from me, CALL SOMEONE!!!  See if they don't tell you the same thing.  If you use you will lose!!!"

"Everyone up there be quiet.  I can't hear myself think.  You guys go to it like cats and dogs.  This 'committee meeting' needs to come to an end.  Do you really thing I can do 'just one'?"  "Sure I do.  You are stronger than you use to be.  Go ahead.  What's the problem?"  "The problem is 'YOU'!  Lying to her like you 'always' do.  Acting as if you are going to be her friend.  As if she can really do just one.  Please, give me a freaking break."

"Listen, y'all need to shut up.  If you don't, I am going to go crazy if I'm not already! There!  Now just hush for just a moment or two.  I need to think about this."  "Think about what?  Are you kidding me."  "What is there to think about?  You know what happens when you use, you just get that one.  Thinking that you can do that and no more!  You think you will stop after 'that one'?  Seriously???

"Yea, I bet I can now.  I do have some 'clean time' under my belt.  I don't see how I will do more than 'just this one.  Right?"  Sure, just one won't kill you." . You don't need to listen to that other voice.  It is just trying to break you down, get you alone.  I am trying to help you down this road that is paved with guilt and remorse.  You cannot wake that beast inside you again.  It is so much stronger than you think it is.?

"You see it will, if you use, pop up like no demon you have ever faced..  Please don't do this.  Stop listening to him over there.  He, the disease wants you dead!!!"  "Hush, hush, quiet please.  You two get started and you just will not stop.  I know that the good side is correct in what it is telling me.  But the bad side makes things so 'sound' so easy."

"You can not do this.  You will get caught.  You will lose your family, forever.  You will tear down all the 'good' that you have built in this process, and for what???  Just so 'you' don't have to feel your feeling??  You  know that there is no way to do that.  Not now, not ever!!!  "Yea, you can too!  'trust' me.  It won't be like before.  No one need to know.  Just go ahead and do it.  Show them you can do one and be okay.  You've got some recovery and you can do this."

"Wait, wait, wait!  Hold on now.  It's been locked away for 3 years.  Do you really want to wake it up?  I know thoughts have crossed your mind.  You have been asking yourself for permission to use.  Well, you are not getting it.  I will continue to talk because one day you just might have to use some of what I am reminding you of now!"

"Please God, make these voices in my head stop or at least calm down.  God, I know I can't use anything or anybody without everything going to hell.  Please show me Your will for me.  I am still teachable and I want to stay clean.  My life, well, I have a life now.  I have people that trust me, depend on me, :LOVE me today.  Lord you know what is in my heart, well, in my mind too, 'the committee'!  You know the person I want to be.  You know the person I have become today.  Nothing else can compare to the abundance of love, warmth and serenity that only You can give.  God, I am trusting in you, I am listening to hear what is next in my life.  I am turning everything over to You, for YOU and only You can guide me to and on the path that is meant to be.  Thank you God for caring about me and caring for me.  You shower me with Your love daily, hourly, minute by minute.  You have forever changed me by Your grace and Your grace alone.  Thank you."

Well, the committee meeting is over for now.  I must stay on this path God has allowed me to find.  He has shown me that my experiences can help others.  That I can share openly and honestly so that someone, anyone, can relate and know that 'this too shall pass'...

Straight From My Heart

WOW!  Can't believe that I have been writing this blog for a year on the 18th of this month!  If someone would have told me that this would become a part of my life, writing in general, I would have laughed at them.  Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be touching so many people, especially with my life experiences.

It is a very humbling experience to say the least   I thank God everyday for blessing me with another chance at life, much less a gift to share with others.  A chance to reach out and touch others  . To let them know they are not alone.  That there is, at least, one other person in the world that has experienced the same 'life on life's' terms and been able to go through it and come out the other side stronger.  Being able to see the growth from those experiences.  To share what I have gone through, what I have learned and how I deal with the events in my life today.

Yes, it is truly a humbling and gratifying experience.  I have said from the beginning that if just one person is helped, even just a small amount, then my blog has been worth the doing.and I must be as honest, open and forthcoming as I can be.  There have been some things that I have written about that I, myself, did not experience.  Because I knew what someone else was, or is, going through and saw first hand the growth they had after their experience, how could I not share with others?  I use no one else's name but my own.  Everything I write is in, for the most part, the first person.  Therefore there are risk of someone knowing exactly who had said experience.

To me, that would be completely and totally selfish, unfair to others.  There are so many addicts, people that deal with addicts on a daily basis, that have times they feel there is no way through what they were going through.  They can't see that 'light at the end of the tunnel'.  But if more people could get gut wrenching honest and share some of the knowledge they have, I know it would be a much better world to live in.  No one should ever have to be alone.

Life on life's terms in not easy and I have never said it was going to be easy.  What I have said, many times here, is that though it may not be the easiest thing I have ever done, it is doable.  If you do the footwork to get through whatever it is life has thrown at you , you will be a better person for going through it.

With just a little over 3 years clean, I am still learning today.  I know that I must remain teachable if I am going to be able to live in today's world and the terms that are spelled out for me.  And, not only have I learned a great deal already about myself because I am a recovering addict, I am also learning as a person that has a debilitating disease, fibromyalgia.   My life is far from worry free or pain free.

Most days have become a huge struggle for me.  For the past several months, there has not been a day that I have not hurt.  It has been so bad that all I can do is cry and pray that God will help me through to the other side.  I have been through enough experiences to know that if you have any relationship with your Higher Power, you can make it through anything.

There have been some along my path that have said hurtful things, doubted me and/or my zeal for my recovery, and have been just down right mean, not caring what they were actually doing to me.  Words hurt, sometimes they hurt much longer than you would like for them to.  People's actions or reaction to something you have done or tried to do in efforts to help another addict wanting recovery.  I know, for a fact, there will always be those that talk badly about you to others and you never know.  Then there are those that speak badly about you to your face in a way they think you have no clue what is actually being said to you, but I know.

I know when someone speaks badly about me to my face, they want to see if they are truly hurting me.  They want to bathe in my sorrows that they created.  The ones that talk about you behind your back, do it in a way that they truly hope you find out.  They are the ones that are true cowards.  They hide behind others, hoping you will not know who they are or which one of them said what.  To all I have and will always say 'bring it on'.

Nothing I do is for myself.  I do not do things just for kicks.  Nor do I in any way, shape or form think that I am above or better than the next person.  Now, there have been those that have tried to make me doubt myself, to make me think that I may need to relook at something.  Not today.  Yes, maybe when I first started this blog, I wanted to know what folks thought.  If it was helping someone, anyone.

I can tell you that today, yes, I am proud of myself.  For being able to reach out to so many people.  To let folks know that some addicts, most addicts want to get clean.  But unfortunately there are such barriers in the way that some just do not have the strength to work through them all.  Not all addicts will have the chance at recovery.  Some of us, addicts that is, have to die in order for others to live.  This I feel is the natural order of the disease of addiction.

Well, once again I say "Thank you" to you all!  Without you, I could not do as much or reach as far as I do to help that next addict.  That next mother, father, brother, or sister.  It is because of you that I am able to understand and follow through with what God has planned for me.  God is so very good!

That's all from me tonight.  Just hope this next year brings us closer, more friends and more knowledge of this disease called addiction.  I love each and every one of you and pray that God will light your path of life as brightly as He has lit mine.

Much love and respect to all...

Road Signs And Warning Labels

As I travel on my 'Road of Recovery', I see many road signs throughout my days.  'Speed limit' signs warning me that I am traveling a bit too fast and need to slow down so that I may soak up the lessons recovery is trying to teach me.  'Detour' signs telling me that I don't need to travel that path.  A different path would be better at this time.  'Construction' signs showing me how to build a foundation and network of recovery with other addicts.  'Caution' signs are abundant in my recovery.  Making me look at what I do, how I act, what I say all day and all night.  People are watching me and listening to me.  I need to make sure the things I say and do are a clear, correct message of recovery.

'Yield' signs pop up every now and then, warning me to be especially careful on how I proceed on my path.  And to be careful as to who I tell what to.  Not everyone that attends a 12 step meeting is there for recover.  'Stop' signs come along when I really do not need to continue on the part of road my recovery is traveling on at that time.  It is time for new a direction.  There are times that when you think a 'Stop' sign is coming, I will get a 'Dead End' sign instead.  That is when I must look at myself and ask was there not a 'Dead End', 'Wrong Way', or 'Detour Ahead'.

I feel that as long as I see those 'Two Way Traffic' signs that I am remaining teachable.  Now, there are those other signs like 'No U-turn', 'Bump', 'Do Not Enter', 'One Way', and 'Detour Ahead' that will pop up from time to time and I must take those as they come.  There are even those times that I have to put up a 'No Parking' or 'No Trespassing' myself for protection from things that I feel are harmful to my recovery.

Yes, my 'Road Signs in Recovery' are present every day and night.  If I do not show what I have learned and the experiences I have had in recovery then I am not only cheating myself but others that may be on a path that I have been down.  By sharing these experiences, it enables other addicts to see what the outcome may be and help them to decide if that is the path for them or not.

My 'Warning Labels' are also in every area of my life.  'Handle with care' so as to express a clean, clear message of recovery to those that are seeking it.  'Enter at your own risk' is a warning that what may seem to be something good for my recovery may not be as good as I think it would.  I must be aware of what I know is recovery and what I think recovery is.  At meetings, it seems I have a 'Shake Well' label on my forehead because of things others say, do, or just a look they may give.  And I can say that the label 'Should Finish All Medication' would apply to the 12 steps and Traditions themselves.

In working the steps and learning the Traditions of the fellowship, I could say that they 'may cause drowsiness' or 'should be taken with food or milk' due to the fact that I have to look at myself.  My part in all areas of my life.  I am learning 'how' to share with the newcomer so as to create an atmosphere that makes them comfortable.  A message that makes them 'hungry', so they want to come back for more.  I have learned that newcomers are needed to remind me or others just what it is still like out there, doing who knows what.

It is my understanding that 'a desire' to stop using is all that 12 step programs require for membership.  I can relate to this as in the beginnings of these programs there had to be folks that were in a very confused state of mind due to the substance or substances they had consumed.  Not all had clear thinking when they first came to the fellowship for help.  That is why today, I am at least, taught that anyone is welcome as long as they have 'a DESIRE' to get clean.  To stop using and find a new way to live without the use of mood or mind altering substances.  I have to be tolerant, accepting, open minded and willing to let that person be where they are at.  Because, let's face it, they did make it to a meeting to ask for help.  Though they may not be clean or sober, they are THERE!

That is all that is needed, for in the beginning the members of the fellowship were often in this exact state of mind.  Using because that is all they know to do until someone in the fellowship is willing to show them a different way.  A better way of life without using.  My predecessors have taught me that I must welcome a newcomer with open and caring arms.  That I am to have patience, acceptance and tolerance where they are concerned.  They don't know anything else but using, so why would anyone expect them to act any different than they know how???

That, for me, is when the fellowship is at it's weakest point.  For if there are members that do not embrace that newcomer, that member is not tolerant to the state of mind that newcomer is in, not accepting that at least they are showing the only thing required from them, that Desire.  Why is this so important?  How do the 'road signs' and 'warning labels' apply?  Give that a moment and I am sure that you can start seeing how my 'road signs' and 'warning labels' make perfect sense.

So, if you are a member of a fellowship of 12 steps, then I ask you 'how' do you treat a newcomer?  What do you do if they are high?  Are you accepting to them the way you want to be or the way you should be?  Do you welcome them and encourage them to keep coming back and to do the best they can to come back clean?  I really do hope that this has made you look at yourself for that is the whole idea, I think, of the 12 steps and Traditions.  I must look at me, how I do things, what I say, how I act, and all those uncomfortable questions that none of us really want to ask.  But that is exactly what 12 step programs are designed to do.

Do you have 'Road signs' and/or 'Warning labels' pop up where newcomers are concerned?  You should!  But it is my feeling while I would 'Proceed with Caution' with newcomers, I am still required to 'Treat them the way that I would want to be treated.'  No, that is not a sign or label, but what most have learned to be 'The Golden Rule'.

Do You Know What It Is?

There it is!  Can you feel it?  I can!  Every year no matter how early or how late it may fall, this always seems to happen.  Raining or sun shining, it still happens.  Do you know what it is?  Are you sure you don't know?  Think really, really hard.  There you are remembering aren't you?  I can see it in your eyes, you know now what I am talking about, no?

Okay, I will tell you, Easter!  Now remember?  Every year, early or late, doesn't matter, we always have a 'cold' snap.  Remember now?  Yea, that's right, Easter cold snap!!  See, I knew you would remember.  Easter sometimes comes in March and then it may come in April.  Year to year, it will come at a different time, in a different month, but the cold snap, always comes with it.

Easter, what a wonderful time.  If you don't know about Easter, then hold on tight.  Easter marks the morning that Jesus arose.  He had been hung on the cross and then placed in a tomb where the entry was closed with a huge stone.  Then, that morning, that glorious morning, it happened.

The stone was moved.  How could that be?  The stone was too heavy, too heavy for one person or even for  several people to move.  But yet, there it was, pushed aside.  Out of the way.  And the tomb, empty!  Yes, that's right, empty!  But how, how could this be?  Seriously, how?  If you know then you know how and if not, then you can learn how.

Easter morning, how beautiful and glorious a morn it is!  Jesus was placed on the cross.  He died for your and my sins.  He died so that we could be free.  So that all of our sins would be washed away.  He is a gift.  What a wonderful gift?  A promise, all we have to do is say 'yes, this is what I want and I believe.'  He is giving us the gift of everlasting life.  All we need to do is accept that gift.  It is that easy.

Jesus died and then on Easter morn, He arose.  By that He set God's promise in motion.  He arose so that we may have everlasting life.  Life after death.  Isn't that wonderful?  All we need do is accept His gift and life can be wonderful.

Today, I am so very thankful that many years ago I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  That He died for my sins and that because of His unselfish act, I will have life eternally.  As some do, I lost my way.  I turned away from Jesus because I was ashamed of my actions.  I know that even though I had turned away from Him, He did not turn away from me.  The Bible tells me what He did.  The poem 'Footprints' also tells me exactly what He did.  He carried me until I was able to walk with Him again.

There were days toward the end of my active addiction that I prayed "God, please, please just take me out of this misery!  Just let it all be over!  I can't go on like this anymore."  He answered my prayers!  He heard me and took me out of the hell I was living, the hell that I was putting myself in.  He touched my heart and lead me out of the darkness.  He has seen fit to allow me time to heal and now to grow in His care and no one else's.  Through Him I live again.

Doing my best to be the person He needs me to be, wants me to be, gave me His grace to be.  His will is what I do today, to the best of my ability.  I reach out to those who have lost their way.  Maybe to someone that has not yet accepted Him as theirs.  To people just like me.  God loves me!  God loves you!  He has given 'all' of us this gift, this precious gift that only He could give.  It is so simple yet complex.  All we need to do is accept His gift, accept that He died for all our sins and let Him into our lives.  That's all.  I live for Him today above and beyond anything else in my life, He comes first!  As with my recovery, anything and everything that I put before Him and my recovery I will lose!!!  I know this to be true and real today.

My life may not seem that exciting or glamorous, but it is so loving and caring and the gratitude that spills over to others.  Accepting and asking God into your life is simple.  Stepping into and living a life lead by God is simple.  Stepping into and leading a life in recovery is simple.  Knowing what a life in addiction can do to a person verses what a life in recovery and having God present in my life there is only one clear choice.  'All things are possible through Jesus Christ.

My wish for all this Easter weekend is that if you don't know the joy and love of Jesus that you find it.  If you are in the depths of active addiction that you find God's grace and love to pull yourself out and live the life that He would have you live.  That you give your life to Christ, spread His love to others and really LIVE!  Life is a wondrous gift and the love God has for us all is wonderful and His grace is loving.

May God bless you and keep you in all that you do.  Happy Easter to all and may today be a turning point in your life to pull you out of whatever hell you are in and put you in the light of God and on the path He has laid out for you.  I love you all and pray that each and everyone of you know the love and grace that I know God gives.

Love you all!!  God bless!!!

Being Fed Spiritually

What a wonderful feeling getting your spirit fed!  You just never know how much you are in need to be spiritually fed sometimes until you have the opportunity to get fed.  Man!  What a great feeling!

Hi, everyone!  I have been gone this past weekend and my spirit has been fed to the point of running over!  Such inspiring people sharing their experience, strength  and hope in recovery.  Learning and sharing with different people.  People of different walks of life.  Different ethnic backgrounds, up bringing, lifestyles.  You name it, they were there.

Seeing old friends.  Making new friends.  I will never get tried of hearing and learning about recovery.  There is something that you can, if  you listen, learn from everyone who shares their experience.  My gratitude never seems to be enough, to me, to tell folks 'thank you ' for putting  yourself out there so I will know that if I have a similar experience, that I can get through it or at least know who to contact for help.

Fun, friends and fellowship.  That is what a weekend like this past weekend is all about for me.  I have never been unhappy or dissatisfied with the experience of recovery.  The way we, including myself, open up and let others in.  One, so others will understand and want what someone else has.  Two, for ourselves.  To let go and let God, so awesome!  Folks that get just so raw and open.  Through the tears and pain that may come with sharing different experiences with others, is all worth it!

I can sit and listen to someone share and really feel the feelings that they are sharing about.  There are some folks that share that I can relate to because I have had some of the same experiences as they have.  It is still very amazing how many of us have had the same experiences.  And just as amazing to the different ways we all have gotten through those experiences and the lessons we all have learned or are trying to learn.

In my opinion, there are not many spiritual fellowships that can be so moving.  The growth that you can have in just a weekend.  Growth that can and will last a lifetime.  Through the tears and the pain to get to the other side and know that everything is okay.  Learning how and why different spiritual principles apply in our own life.  Understanding where you are in life and that you are right where you are suppose to be.  Knowing you are doing the right thing.

There are other weekends like this one.  All with their own spirit and friends in recovery.  But I do so enjoy them all for what they have to offer me in my recovery.  One thing about them all, they are all relaxing, fun, and very educational.  

They, at times, have their sad moments.  You go with excitement to see friends only to learn that they went back out.  Back out into that world that so many of us were in.  Back to the pain, lies, and insanity.  It hurts when you find out someone you know, personally, has gone back out, relapsed.  But there is still that love you have for that person.  You are drawn closer to those that are still trying to live clean one day at a time.

You are drawn closer to God and find yourself saying more prayers than before because you know that somewhere out there is someone, that friend you know or someone you have never met that needs a prayer or two.  You have learned that you can pray for one that you know, but that you should also pray for those that you don't know.  The ones that may never learn that there is recovery waiting on them when  they are ready.  That life can and is different without the use of drugs.  A life worth living.

During this weekend, I have cried some for I have been that full with the spirit of recovery.   I have been moved and am closer with God and the friends I have in recovery.  This weekend has allowed me time to get closer to myself and to get closer to some of the other women that are in my life today.  I met new friends.

I think that I will never grow tried of weekend trips such as these.  Learning something different.  Seeing how  that something different can work.  Understanding that it is in no way getting better out in the world of drugs. You know, when I was using I knew that the things I was doing could have killed me.  Today, people are losing their minds and their life because of this horrible disease, addiction.

Young people not listening or even trying to understand that they are losing themselves if nothing else by using.  Their choices are being thrown away with no regard to the aftermath or consequences of their actions.  Having no idea what damage they are doing to themselves and others.

You see, that is why I feel that it is necessary for me, not anyone else just me, to be as open and honest as I can about myself and my disease.  The experiences that I have had.  Leading them to others, people that are better suited to help them through, than I am.  Being nonjudgmental of someone because of what they have done while in active addiction.

I don't want someone to die out there in active addiction if there is some thing that I or anyone can share with them that might save their life, just for a moment.  My prayers are for all addicts, active and in recovery, for it is only by grace that it is not me still out there in the misery and pain everyday.

Being spiritually fed is very important to me.  Having the feelings I have about recovery, it breaks my heart to see anyone suffer for whatever reason.

So, if you or someone you know is in addiction, there is a better way.  We, I, as an addict in recovery have found that I can stop using. That I have lost the desire to use and I am living a better life today.  My life is not perfect and I do not work a perfect program, but I do work a program to the best of my ability. 

This better way of life is out there, all you have to do is have the willingness to ask for it.  The courage to accept the changes you will have to make in your life and lifestyle.  And being open minded of things that work no matter how crazy they may sound.

Thank you all for allowing me to share my experiences and hope of a new way of life that I am living today.  It is not a glamorous life nor is it a boring, dull life.  My life is full of love, family and friends that accept me for who I am not what they think I should be.  I have choices today and can make sound choices.

None of these things in my life would be possible without God in my life, leading me in my recovery.  You don't have to be religious to have God in your life.  Working on you and others.  Learning that His will is what we seek and getting quiet enough to hear what His will for us is.  Some times I have to sit still for a bit until I can understand God's will for me and He grants me the power to carry His will out.

If you are reading this, then I am to assume that you or someone you know is in active addiction or recovery.  You did not find this page by accident.  Please read the posts that I have put up.  Understand that there is a different way to live today, but you have to make that decision on your own.  

I will never be able to express or say enough about recovery and the gratitude that I have today in my recovery.  Gratitude for everything and every one.

Sorry, for the delay in posting.  Have been busy and not very mobile due to my physical issues.  Remember there are others out there just like you.  There are others just like you in recovery.  You must decide if you are going to spend the rest of your life with clean addicts or addicts that are in active use.  You are the only one that can stop yourself from picking up that 'next' one.