Self-centeredness is said to be the core of the disease of addiction. Never thinking that what we are doing is affecting anyone else. We only are thinking of one thing, ways and means to get more. We run scenarios in our minds of how to do this and what will happen here. The wheels in our minds never stop turning. Day in and day out. We continue to do the same thing looking for different results, knowing that is not going to happen.
When we enter recovery, we learn to be selfish. Doing what is best for us from the choices we have or are given. We have to do what is in our best interest and do what will protect us the best.
Some people think that being self-centered and being selfish are the same but they are not. I feel that there is a fine line of difference in them. If I am self-centered then I only care about what I am doing and have no concern for others. Being selfish, I want to do what is best for me but it is a conscious decision.
There are times, still, even in recovery, self-centeredness tries to creep in. I have to be mindful of what I am doing and how it is going to affect others at all times. When I am mindful as to the results of my decisions then I can be selfish. Others know that I am aware of my selfishness and for the most part understand that I am choosing that for my protection or growth or both.
In my recovery I must do what is the best for me and my recovery. I can't worry about what it may do to someone else. Just for me to be aware of what others may have to go through because of my choice is enough and hopefully if I ever have to make the same choice again, I can do it without the selfishness behind it.
That's the thing about recovery, you have choices. When using you have no choices. You can't choose not to use because your addiction will find you and get you when you are not looking. It is a very cunning disease and baffling. You may say to yourself "I'm not going to use today." Well, your disease says "We'll just see about that!" And then next thing you know you have gone and gotten money from somewhere and been by the dope man's house and are at home using, at no choose of your own.
Please don't anyone take this the wrong way, I am not proud of the things I did or who I had become in active addiction. But I have to be able to say "yes I did that" and take responsibility for my part. I have to own what I did and I do. I make no excuses, there are none. I only offer an explanation that I suffer from the disease of addiction and am in recovery now. For those that I did wrong, I try to mend what I did or live today in such a way that they can see the change in me and that is the only amends I can make. For others, I can take responsibility for my part and own it and ask for forgiveness. It is up to that person to forgive me or not. After I have taken responsibility and owned it, that is all I have to do. The rest, if I am forgiven or not, is on the person I make my amends to.
Everyday in recovery is not a fun day. You still have times when using comes across your mind. You DO NOT have to entertain those thoughts. They will pass. There will be fewer and fewer times that you think of using. Eventually, with the help of God, you can lose the desire to use. You will have dreams that you used, are using, or trying to use. Those are called "using dreams", no surprise there. They will also get few and far between.
You will have triggers. These are things that you see, hear or can touch that make you think about using. Those, too, will pass. You will get to the point where most of these things will not phase you as far as using goes. You start having more good days than bad. There will be more and more people you can count on to help you when you need it, especially in a 12 step program. Why? All those folks have been where you are and can share their experience with you. If someone can tell you how they got through to the other side of things, then you don't have to go through it or at least won't have to go through it alone and with no idea of what is going to happen. As in all things, once you get to the other side of issues, good, bad or indifferent, you are always going to be stronger for when something else comes down the pipe.
I so hope that at least one person gets something that will help them to the road of recovery or will help them on the journey they have already started on. It can be confusing. You don't have to understand everything when you first start. Just try not to use for today. That is all you have. We are not promised tomorrow and yesterday is gone. There is nothing that can be done about yesterday except to see it for what it was and learn if there is a lesson there to learn. Then leave it where it belongs, in the past. Yes, we need to concentrate on today and only today. We have to make it through today before tomorrow can come.
If you do, or are involved with, a 12 step program, you will have as much or as little support as you want. There is no way in the world that I would have made it this far had it not been for the support system that I have. There are women in my life today that are so true and real it is sometimes unbelievable. There is always someone that can help, teach much needed lessons or be that tough love person that you need from time to time. That person that under no circumstances will not hold back. They will tell you how it is, like it or not. And you need "tough love" persons in your life. You will learn who and what type people are best for you to have in your support system. They all have to be people that you trust beyond anything else. You trust them with your life, literally.
Again, I would like to say a very heart felt "thank you" to all the supporters that I have in posting this blog. There are so many of you that cannot leave a comment due to your anonymity, I know you are out there and I so appreciate each and everyone that supports me in this path that I am leading now. If you want to comment or leave any kind of comment please feel free to do so and for those who can't leave their names, send a short email. I am an addict and yes, I still need to hear good, bad or indifferent.
Just sayin......
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Help For and Understanding the Disease
Well, I have stated that it may be harder for some folks to find help than others. I have decided to give a list of common 12 step programs and how to get in touch with them. Most folks can use Google to find out anything they want to know, but what about those that don't have a computer. Most folks have access to the internet if only going to the library or other public places that have the internet. Please note that not all on the list are for the addict, there are a couple that are for the families and/or loved ones, friends to attend and they can learn ways to help the addict that they know.
Common 12 Step Programs:
AA - Alcoholics Anonymous - 1-800-870-3715 - www.aa.org
Al-Anon/Ala teen - for friends and family members of alcoholics - www.al-anon.org / www.alateen.org
NA - Narcotics Anonymous - 1-866-997-9559 - www.na.org
Nar-Anon - for friends and family of addicts - 1-888-374-1164 - www.nar-anon.org
There are also 12 step programs for Cocaine, Crystal Meth, Debtors, Emotions, Food, Gambling, Nicotine, Over eaters, Gamers, Pills, Sex, Smokers, Workaholics.
All can be found on Google and you can find a meeting in your area. Or you can call the 1-800 number and they will be able to help you find a meeting in your area.
See, addiction not only affects the addict, but all the people in their lives. Friends, family, co-workers, etc. These folks need some one to talk to just like the addict does. To help them understand that this is a disease. That there is no cure but that it can be arrested and recovery is possible.
They need to know how to help the addict. Things that they can do or not do to make the addict feel safe and loved. I feel that no one can ever "really know" what it is like to be an addict if they are not an addict themselves. The addicts mind works a little differently. The wheels of the mind are always turning. Thinking of this and then of that. An addicts mind has very little rest if any at all.
Most addicts have extremely low self-esteem. They feel as though they are only "taking up space". Some feel that they don't deserve to be happy like this or that person. Truth is, an addict is a person too. They need love and attention just as anyone else would need. That "unconditional love" is the kind of love they need. Some one that really tries to understand some of what they are going through. Life as an addict is hard, to say the least. It has really high highs and extremely low lows.
Yes, now I know that some steal, cheat, lie and manipulate anything and anybody to get their next fix. They go to all ends, any ends possible for that next fix. For a drug addict, the drugs are a byproduct of the disease of addiction. For the drug addict, extreme low self-esteem, not feeling a part of, feeling like an outcast, always second guessing themselves. The obsession and compulsion of anything, from one extreme to the other extreme, being extremely self-centered, this is the disease of addiction. The drugs, food, sex, pills, and so on come after all the other are already playing a part in the addicts life.
No body has ever been young and say they want to be an addict when they grow up. My point is this, if you know someone or you are that someone that needs help, there is help out there. Use the 1-800 numbers to get information in your area. Most states, counties have a mental health facility. They can help point you in the right direction. The first step, that first phone call to ask for help is always the hardest. But it will be one of many that you will remember when you think back over your process.
Common 12 Step Programs:
AA - Alcoholics Anonymous - 1-800-870-3715 - www.aa.org
Al-Anon/Ala teen - for friends and family members of alcoholics - www.al-anon.org / www.alateen.org
NA - Narcotics Anonymous - 1-866-997-9559 - www.na.org
Nar-Anon - for friends and family of addicts - 1-888-374-1164 - www.nar-anon.org
There are also 12 step programs for Cocaine, Crystal Meth, Debtors, Emotions, Food, Gambling, Nicotine, Over eaters, Gamers, Pills, Sex, Smokers, Workaholics.
All can be found on Google and you can find a meeting in your area. Or you can call the 1-800 number and they will be able to help you find a meeting in your area.
See, addiction not only affects the addict, but all the people in their lives. Friends, family, co-workers, etc. These folks need some one to talk to just like the addict does. To help them understand that this is a disease. That there is no cure but that it can be arrested and recovery is possible.
They need to know how to help the addict. Things that they can do or not do to make the addict feel safe and loved. I feel that no one can ever "really know" what it is like to be an addict if they are not an addict themselves. The addicts mind works a little differently. The wheels of the mind are always turning. Thinking of this and then of that. An addicts mind has very little rest if any at all.
Most addicts have extremely low self-esteem. They feel as though they are only "taking up space". Some feel that they don't deserve to be happy like this or that person. Truth is, an addict is a person too. They need love and attention just as anyone else would need. That "unconditional love" is the kind of love they need. Some one that really tries to understand some of what they are going through. Life as an addict is hard, to say the least. It has really high highs and extremely low lows.
Yes, now I know that some steal, cheat, lie and manipulate anything and anybody to get their next fix. They go to all ends, any ends possible for that next fix. For a drug addict, the drugs are a byproduct of the disease of addiction. For the drug addict, extreme low self-esteem, not feeling a part of, feeling like an outcast, always second guessing themselves. The obsession and compulsion of anything, from one extreme to the other extreme, being extremely self-centered, this is the disease of addiction. The drugs, food, sex, pills, and so on come after all the other are already playing a part in the addicts life.
No body has ever been young and say they want to be an addict when they grow up. My point is this, if you know someone or you are that someone that needs help, there is help out there. Use the 1-800 numbers to get information in your area. Most states, counties have a mental health facility. They can help point you in the right direction. The first step, that first phone call to ask for help is always the hardest. But it will be one of many that you will remember when you think back over your process.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Chronic, Progressive, Incurable and FATAL??
(Now remember I stated that this would be written as if it were me
experiencing different things. There are times that it may sound as if
it were something I did, but maybe I did and maybe I didn't. Only I
know for sure.)
Per a public policy statement by ASAM American Society of Addictive Medicine, The Voice of Addiction Medicine "Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors."~~
Yes, addiction is chronic, progressive, incurable, and can be fatal if treatment is not received. It can be arrested but not cured. It affects a person mentally, physically and spiritually. Addiction is not limited to age, gender, ethnic background, sexual preference, or religion. Addiction is not always about the use of drugs or alcohol. There many things that you can become addicted to: shopping, eating, gambling, texting and others. But for the purpose of this post, we are dealing with drug addiction.
Anyone can become addicted. Some, they say, have a gene in their physical makeup that causes the compulsive and obsessive behavior that all addicts seem to have. Most folks will not know until they hit "the one" thing that will trigger their addiction. It could be drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, and so on. Once the trigger for the addiction has been hit, a person will go to any lengths to be able to obtain the substance that they are addicted to.
Like me, there are a lot of addicts out there seeking recovery. We can never be cured of the disease because it is what it is. Like diabetes, it has to be treated and can be arrested. But these two things must happen in order to try to regain control of your life again.
I have been asked in the past "What is your drug of choice?" and my answer is "a lot of anything that can be mood or mind altering." I have learned that a drug is a drug is a drug. Most of us addicts really don't care what that drug is just as long as it takes us out of ourselves.
Different people will do different things in order to obtain their drug or drugs in general. Some may steal, manipulate people or situations, beg, prostitute, and so on. Most of us have lost most or all of our families due to drug use. We have stolen from them, lied to them, tried to manipulate them into feeling sorry for us, so many things and so many times, that they no longer trust us or want to be around us. For me, I was a lucky one. Because I came to my family and said "Hey, I have a problem and I need your help." My family is one of the biggest supports I have.
The 12 step fellowship that I am involved in is the largest support group I have. I have ladies in this fellowship that I can call anytime of the day or night. It's not that they "have" to help me, they "want" to help me. They, too, are in recovery and need help from time to time. We all depend on each other for support. I count on my support network to be honest with me and tell me when they feel I am not doing what I should be or not acting the way I should be. They are my eyes and ears because they will see it or hear it quicker than I will because I am an addict. I will lie to myself in order not to see or hear the truth.
Working a program, I am able to be trusted somewhat today. I am an honest person, loving, caring person. I don't tell lies, why, I have nothing to hide these days. I have become a trustworthy person, someone that people can rely on, someone that will follow through and finish what was started.
My addiction had me so deep that I was truly scared. I really didn't want to use at the end, but did because of the obsession and compulsion of my disease, it made me use. My addiction would lie to me and tell me that I needed to use just to be able to make it one day to the next. That the using would help me not to hurt. That using would make people like me more, I would be better accepted. My self-esteem, if I had any at the end, was not at all present. My disease could have me believing that people just put up with me, that they really did not like me nor did they want to be around me. That I was stupid. My disease could tell me most anything and I would believe it. I was so messed up in my mind that it took some time to straighten somethings out. I am still learning about myself. My likes and dislikes.
The disease of addiction can and will ruin your entire life and it really will not take a long time to do it. It will give you so much self esteem and an ego that it is so unbelievable. It will kill you. Leave you crippled, mangled, and lost. If you even think just a little bit that you may be an addict or addicted to something that you just cannot stop, please seek help now. Do not wait. For the longer you wait, the grip of this disease will get tighter and tighter until it chokes you to death.
My prayer for everyone reading this is: If you or someone you know may or does suffer from the disease of addiction, get help or get help for the folks you think may need it. Do not play around with this disease. It wants you dead and it does not care how that happens. We must remember that we are not "bad people", but we have a disease that has us "do" bad things. The only options that this disease will give you, if you continue to use, is jails, institutions or death. All active drug addiction will lead to one or all three of these.
All you have to do is ask for help. There is help out there. But you must ask for it. For when "you" ask for the help, it is a sign of surrender. You must surrender to your disease and healing, hopefully then and only then, can it begin.
With much love...
(Footnote~~source of information from ASAM)~~See ASAM Public Policy Statement on Treatment for Alcohol and Other Drug Addiction, Adopted: May 01, 1980, Revised: January 01, 2010. Copyright © 2012 American Society of Addiction Medicine.
Per a public policy statement by ASAM American Society of Addictive Medicine, The Voice of Addiction Medicine "Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors."~~
Yes, addiction is chronic, progressive, incurable, and can be fatal if treatment is not received. It can be arrested but not cured. It affects a person mentally, physically and spiritually. Addiction is not limited to age, gender, ethnic background, sexual preference, or religion. Addiction is not always about the use of drugs or alcohol. There many things that you can become addicted to: shopping, eating, gambling, texting and others. But for the purpose of this post, we are dealing with drug addiction.
Anyone can become addicted. Some, they say, have a gene in their physical makeup that causes the compulsive and obsessive behavior that all addicts seem to have. Most folks will not know until they hit "the one" thing that will trigger their addiction. It could be drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, and so on. Once the trigger for the addiction has been hit, a person will go to any lengths to be able to obtain the substance that they are addicted to.
Like me, there are a lot of addicts out there seeking recovery. We can never be cured of the disease because it is what it is. Like diabetes, it has to be treated and can be arrested. But these two things must happen in order to try to regain control of your life again.
I have been asked in the past "What is your drug of choice?" and my answer is "a lot of anything that can be mood or mind altering." I have learned that a drug is a drug is a drug. Most of us addicts really don't care what that drug is just as long as it takes us out of ourselves.
Different people will do different things in order to obtain their drug or drugs in general. Some may steal, manipulate people or situations, beg, prostitute, and so on. Most of us have lost most or all of our families due to drug use. We have stolen from them, lied to them, tried to manipulate them into feeling sorry for us, so many things and so many times, that they no longer trust us or want to be around us. For me, I was a lucky one. Because I came to my family and said "Hey, I have a problem and I need your help." My family is one of the biggest supports I have.
The 12 step fellowship that I am involved in is the largest support group I have. I have ladies in this fellowship that I can call anytime of the day or night. It's not that they "have" to help me, they "want" to help me. They, too, are in recovery and need help from time to time. We all depend on each other for support. I count on my support network to be honest with me and tell me when they feel I am not doing what I should be or not acting the way I should be. They are my eyes and ears because they will see it or hear it quicker than I will because I am an addict. I will lie to myself in order not to see or hear the truth.
Working a program, I am able to be trusted somewhat today. I am an honest person, loving, caring person. I don't tell lies, why, I have nothing to hide these days. I have become a trustworthy person, someone that people can rely on, someone that will follow through and finish what was started.
My addiction had me so deep that I was truly scared. I really didn't want to use at the end, but did because of the obsession and compulsion of my disease, it made me use. My addiction would lie to me and tell me that I needed to use just to be able to make it one day to the next. That the using would help me not to hurt. That using would make people like me more, I would be better accepted. My self-esteem, if I had any at the end, was not at all present. My disease could have me believing that people just put up with me, that they really did not like me nor did they want to be around me. That I was stupid. My disease could tell me most anything and I would believe it. I was so messed up in my mind that it took some time to straighten somethings out. I am still learning about myself. My likes and dislikes.
The disease of addiction can and will ruin your entire life and it really will not take a long time to do it. It will give you so much self esteem and an ego that it is so unbelievable. It will kill you. Leave you crippled, mangled, and lost. If you even think just a little bit that you may be an addict or addicted to something that you just cannot stop, please seek help now. Do not wait. For the longer you wait, the grip of this disease will get tighter and tighter until it chokes you to death.
My prayer for everyone reading this is: If you or someone you know may or does suffer from the disease of addiction, get help or get help for the folks you think may need it. Do not play around with this disease. It wants you dead and it does not care how that happens. We must remember that we are not "bad people", but we have a disease that has us "do" bad things. The only options that this disease will give you, if you continue to use, is jails, institutions or death. All active drug addiction will lead to one or all three of these.
All you have to do is ask for help. There is help out there. But you must ask for it. For when "you" ask for the help, it is a sign of surrender. You must surrender to your disease and healing, hopefully then and only then, can it begin.
With much love...
(Footnote~~source of information from ASAM)~~See ASAM Public Policy Statement on Treatment for Alcohol and Other Drug Addiction, Adopted: May 01, 1980, Revised: January 01, 2010. Copyright © 2012 American Society of Addiction Medicine.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
The Scars Can Heal
My body has scars of my addiction, of my past, of my life. Waiting on the scars I will receive in my future. I am not ashamed of them, they make me what I am today. You can see my scars on the outside but not on the inside. Sometimes the outside scars are from some of the worst parts of life, not the inside one. There is not much I can do about the ones on the outside except say, "They tell parts of my story. Parts that people need to know, see and feel."
The inside scars are mine, to do what I need to with. Heal them, let them stand as they are, as they are a reminder, to me, of what life was and what it is today. Some of the scars on the inside I could let inflame and grow and fester. Or I can see them for what they really are, cleanse them and do what is necessary for them to heal.
You know of some scars that I have, for I have shared about them. Those are some that I chose to cleanse and let heal. The ones that have yet to be cleansed are deeper, full of more emotion than others. They are the ones that will take time, patience and growth to be cleansed and healed. For those scars are from a time before the using started. From a time when I did not feel a part of, wanting to fit in but not fitting in. A time from when I said "Hey y'all, look at me" and seen everyone had already left and I was alone. They are scars that I caused myself and some that others put there.
With the help of God, I can see my scars for what they are today. For how they were put there and what I need to do to heal them. Some are not for me to heal but are there to allow God to work in my life, healing me, helping me grow, never to be alone again for He is always there.
I am telling you about my scars, in hope, that you can understand that my recovery is a process that I have to go through to get to where I want to be, where I need to be, who I want to be and who I should be, am going to be. My process is different from anyone else. Sometimes it will go along very fast and steady and then it may slow and be bumpy and hard to understand. When it is at a fast, steady pace, the scars heal quickly with little effort on my part.
But when the process is long, hard and bumpy, those are the scars that are the deepest. The ones that have been there for the longest time. The ones that I and everyone around me can see the growth that I have. Everyone can tell that things, I, am changing. That I am healing.
My road is the way I choose it to be today. Today I can choose what is next in my life. Today I understand and search for God's will for my life. What God wants out of me and what I want from Him. He only wants me to love Him and accept that wonderful gift of love. I only want what He will have me to do.
Surrender, acceptance, humility, unconditional love, trust, faith, willingness, hope are just some of the things that I have learned and am still learning to use to heal my scars. To protect myself from letting newer scars form. With these spiritual principles and others that I have learned I can face anything and everything that God has planned for me
My process is my process. It is not for you or for you to understand. It is mine. The process of recovery is such a beautiful thing. Freedom, hope and love for me and for others, you. Everyone deserves recovery. Everyone that needs it does not have it, just the ones that "want" it. You can only want it when you get to the bottom, when you are sick and tried of being sick and tried, when there is nothing left but death and then, sometimes these are not even enough for you to want recovery. Those are the ones that are lost and death is the process for them.
Recovery is a blessing. It is necessary to heal your scars. It is necessary to stop new scars from forming and festering. It is necessary for your growth in life, for your acceptance, for you in what it is you need it for. You must want it, need it, have a desire for it or it will not change anything in your life, your process.
Without my recovery I could not do the things I do today. I could not be the person I am , the friend that I am, the woman that I am today. I love my recovery. My process. My recovery. My life.
My hope is that you understand where this post is coming from and understand the importance of your recovery and your process. Some will, some will not. Those that are meant to will and will take these words to heart. Make your process mean what it is meant to mean to you.
May you find your path in recovery and in your process. Heed what your recovery is trying to do for you, what your process needs to do for you. Recovery is possible. Growth is possible. Healing from your scars is possible. IT IS A LIFE WORTH LIVING!
The inside scars are mine, to do what I need to with. Heal them, let them stand as they are, as they are a reminder, to me, of what life was and what it is today. Some of the scars on the inside I could let inflame and grow and fester. Or I can see them for what they really are, cleanse them and do what is necessary for them to heal.
You know of some scars that I have, for I have shared about them. Those are some that I chose to cleanse and let heal. The ones that have yet to be cleansed are deeper, full of more emotion than others. They are the ones that will take time, patience and growth to be cleansed and healed. For those scars are from a time before the using started. From a time when I did not feel a part of, wanting to fit in but not fitting in. A time from when I said "Hey y'all, look at me" and seen everyone had already left and I was alone. They are scars that I caused myself and some that others put there.
With the help of God, I can see my scars for what they are today. For how they were put there and what I need to do to heal them. Some are not for me to heal but are there to allow God to work in my life, healing me, helping me grow, never to be alone again for He is always there.
I am telling you about my scars, in hope, that you can understand that my recovery is a process that I have to go through to get to where I want to be, where I need to be, who I want to be and who I should be, am going to be. My process is different from anyone else. Sometimes it will go along very fast and steady and then it may slow and be bumpy and hard to understand. When it is at a fast, steady pace, the scars heal quickly with little effort on my part.
But when the process is long, hard and bumpy, those are the scars that are the deepest. The ones that have been there for the longest time. The ones that I and everyone around me can see the growth that I have. Everyone can tell that things, I, am changing. That I am healing.
My road is the way I choose it to be today. Today I can choose what is next in my life. Today I understand and search for God's will for my life. What God wants out of me and what I want from Him. He only wants me to love Him and accept that wonderful gift of love. I only want what He will have me to do.
Surrender, acceptance, humility, unconditional love, trust, faith, willingness, hope are just some of the things that I have learned and am still learning to use to heal my scars. To protect myself from letting newer scars form. With these spiritual principles and others that I have learned I can face anything and everything that God has planned for me
My process is my process. It is not for you or for you to understand. It is mine. The process of recovery is such a beautiful thing. Freedom, hope and love for me and for others, you. Everyone deserves recovery. Everyone that needs it does not have it, just the ones that "want" it. You can only want it when you get to the bottom, when you are sick and tried of being sick and tried, when there is nothing left but death and then, sometimes these are not even enough for you to want recovery. Those are the ones that are lost and death is the process for them.
Recovery is a blessing. It is necessary to heal your scars. It is necessary to stop new scars from forming and festering. It is necessary for your growth in life, for your acceptance, for you in what it is you need it for. You must want it, need it, have a desire for it or it will not change anything in your life, your process.
Without my recovery I could not do the things I do today. I could not be the person I am , the friend that I am, the woman that I am today. I love my recovery. My process. My recovery. My life.
My hope is that you understand where this post is coming from and understand the importance of your recovery and your process. Some will, some will not. Those that are meant to will and will take these words to heart. Make your process mean what it is meant to mean to you.
May you find your path in recovery and in your process. Heed what your recovery is trying to do for you, what your process needs to do for you. Recovery is possible. Growth is possible. Healing from your scars is possible. IT IS A LIFE WORTH LIVING!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Who, What, Where and How...
Got to thinking that maybe some of you might what to know a little bit about me, so........
I am the youngest of four children, two brothers and one sister. Growing up, I always tried to be the center of attention at all the family gatherings or just where ever we were and there were lots of people. My mom has always said that I never met a stranger. It sometimes seems, when I meet someone for the first time, like I have known them my entire life.
Thinking back, I can see how my brothers and sister may have thought that I always got my way or what I wanted. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic family. By the time I was old enough to be able to get what I wanted, the disease of addiction already had a very firm grip on my family. (Note: those of you that know me, probably know who I am speaking of, but out of respect I am not saying who it is.)
As far back as I can remember, my siblings all seem to think I was spoiled. Now, I don't know why this is because I always felt like an outsider so to speak. That I had to prove myself. Guess that is why I use to talk louder and louder when we were at a family gathering and I wanted folks to look at me. Yes, I can look back today and admit that there were times I tried to be the center of attention. And there it begins, the core of my disease, self-centeredness. Never feeling like you "fit in" with anyone or anything. Not sure why I felt this way because I had friends that I did things with and spent time with.
They say that the disease of addiction can be inherited. That it goes from generation to generation. Maybe that explains my low self-esteem, my self-centeredness, feeling like I didn't fit. I truly believe that it could be something that I inherited from generations before me. On both sides of my family, mom and dad's, there were relatives that drank, gambled, and probably other things that are a part of the addictive behaviors. No idea, just know that "I" have the disease of addiction and I have to do things each day to keep it arrested.
Yes, I attend meetings and feel that there is no other way than to go to meetings on a regular basis. Some folks don't like going to the meetings because there can be triggers from other folks there. You must learn about the Fellowship and the workings for it to work for yourself. It is not a place that I go to discuss using, not at all. It is a place I can go and be "myself", a place that I feel I am not being judged on how I am dressed, how I look or what I do for a living. No one is better than anyone else, we are all the same. Addicts looking for answers to living today without using. Help with how to get through losing a job, finding a job, death of a loved one, and just anything that we don't want to face alone.
Because of the Fellowship and the "friends" I have made there, I never have to face life on life's terms by myself, if I don't want to. (Note: My mom told me many years ago, while I was in school, that I would have many friends that were just acquaintances, not true friends. That true friends were few and very far between. Today, I have 30 plus friends, true friends, not acquaintances. Folks that it does not matter what, where, how or why I need them, they are there for me. If the ones that I call on can not help me, they find someone that can and point me in their direction.
Some of this post has the same information that earlier post may have had, but those remarks bare repeating because they are true statements in their own right. Plus, I am so full of gratitude that I can't stop myself from letting you know what a wonderful life I have now.
So, back to me.......
I never really did anything as I was growing up, except drinking. Like most teenagers, I drank to try to "fit in". Never really liked it and was always mindful that a drink could trigger the disease of addiction because it was in the family. I was an average student in school. Had the friends I hung out with. Never really dated until I met the man I married. We were married a month after I finished school. We have a wonderful, beautiful, and special daughter together. She is my blessing and I love her with every ounce of my being. Our marriage ended short of seven years together.
It was just me and my daughter for several years. Still, at this time, not dating any at all. As I was at work one day, this guy came into the store and he looked like someone I should know, but could not place him. We began to talk and he was someone that I had gone to school with. He was a year younger than me and may explain why he looked familiar but did remember his name. We did date for a while and after some time he asked me to marry him and I did.
He had a son that was just a little older than my daughter and we decided that we would not have any children because of the two we already had. We wanted to be able to afford things that they may want to do or have. My life then was so stressful, it is a wonder that I didn't start using then, but I didn't. Our marriage lasted a few years and it ended in a way that no one could ever imagine. Being held at gun point is something I pray will never happen to any one, because all I could think of was my daughter. It is really hard, I think, for someone to try and put themselves in my shoes, at that time there was no turning back. My marriage was over. I was utterly confused by his actions and can only thank God for getting me through it alive. (No need to ask anything about this one...what I have said is all there is to say.)
It was when that marriage ended that I began a life that would drag me so far from my roots that I did not know who I was any more, this was not an accident. No one made me do it. I actively sought out and began using. A choice of my own free will that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life! No, drinking did not trigger that sleeping demon inside of me, my using did and when it awoke, I was lost. For many years, I struggled. Knew I needed to stop but could not. There was a time toward the end that I did stop for a short period. But that demon is cunning and it raised it's evil head once again after almost 3 years. This time my journey was short. The demon took me down so fast that I didn't want to live or die.
All it took was a simple prayer, "God, please show me Your will for me and the power to carry it out." And He did. God touched my life, gave me the strength to say "Help me please, I can't do this by myself." Fortunately my family responded. They aided in getting me somewhere that I could find myself, the real me. Not that monster I had become.
I entered treatment. There I would learn why I did the things I did, what was going on inside of me, how to keep that demon locked up, arrested and at bay. They gave me the tools to ask for help, to be honest no matter what, to humble myself and to be able to say "I can't do this by myself." Treatment introduced the Fellowship to me. That was the "medicine" I had needed all those years of fighting. Not knowing why I did this or how do I stop doing this?
There began my life in recovery. There is no need to know what I did as far as using goes. All that matters is I am getting the help I so needed and I am living "my life" today. I am no longer following that demon.
Again, there are just things that it does not matter as to what, where, why or how, just that it happened. The names and identification of some people are also not needed just that they were who they were and I was who I was during that part of my life.
I have moved on from that young lady with the extremely low self-esteem. Afraid of not "fitting" in anywhere or with anyone. That women that thought "I've got this and I can handle it." I have moved on from those days that I could not take care of myself, from the pain, from the mistrust, from not being able to express myself, from being almost totally illiterate, to the person today that is trustworthy, has integrity, can say exactly what, how and why I feel the way I do. To the person today that can stand alone, in front of people, some known others unknown and read or speak in a manner in which you almost cannot tell I ever shuddered from the thought of being in front of folks all alone. They are "family", the known and unknown. They know from whence I came. They have empathy for me and others like me. They want me to succeed in all that I do.
They are my "friends", not acquaintances, that tell me the truth no matter what.
Thank God for each of them from New York City to Dayton Beach, I love and truly appreciate each and everyone of you that I have met and those that I am waiting to meet when it is time. Thank you God for doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
I am the youngest of four children, two brothers and one sister. Growing up, I always tried to be the center of attention at all the family gatherings or just where ever we were and there were lots of people. My mom has always said that I never met a stranger. It sometimes seems, when I meet someone for the first time, like I have known them my entire life.
Thinking back, I can see how my brothers and sister may have thought that I always got my way or what I wanted. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic family. By the time I was old enough to be able to get what I wanted, the disease of addiction already had a very firm grip on my family. (Note: those of you that know me, probably know who I am speaking of, but out of respect I am not saying who it is.)
As far back as I can remember, my siblings all seem to think I was spoiled. Now, I don't know why this is because I always felt like an outsider so to speak. That I had to prove myself. Guess that is why I use to talk louder and louder when we were at a family gathering and I wanted folks to look at me. Yes, I can look back today and admit that there were times I tried to be the center of attention. And there it begins, the core of my disease, self-centeredness. Never feeling like you "fit in" with anyone or anything. Not sure why I felt this way because I had friends that I did things with and spent time with.
They say that the disease of addiction can be inherited. That it goes from generation to generation. Maybe that explains my low self-esteem, my self-centeredness, feeling like I didn't fit. I truly believe that it could be something that I inherited from generations before me. On both sides of my family, mom and dad's, there were relatives that drank, gambled, and probably other things that are a part of the addictive behaviors. No idea, just know that "I" have the disease of addiction and I have to do things each day to keep it arrested.
Yes, I attend meetings and feel that there is no other way than to go to meetings on a regular basis. Some folks don't like going to the meetings because there can be triggers from other folks there. You must learn about the Fellowship and the workings for it to work for yourself. It is not a place that I go to discuss using, not at all. It is a place I can go and be "myself", a place that I feel I am not being judged on how I am dressed, how I look or what I do for a living. No one is better than anyone else, we are all the same. Addicts looking for answers to living today without using. Help with how to get through losing a job, finding a job, death of a loved one, and just anything that we don't want to face alone.
Because of the Fellowship and the "friends" I have made there, I never have to face life on life's terms by myself, if I don't want to. (Note: My mom told me many years ago, while I was in school, that I would have many friends that were just acquaintances, not true friends. That true friends were few and very far between. Today, I have 30 plus friends, true friends, not acquaintances. Folks that it does not matter what, where, how or why I need them, they are there for me. If the ones that I call on can not help me, they find someone that can and point me in their direction.
Some of this post has the same information that earlier post may have had, but those remarks bare repeating because they are true statements in their own right. Plus, I am so full of gratitude that I can't stop myself from letting you know what a wonderful life I have now.
So, back to me.......
I never really did anything as I was growing up, except drinking. Like most teenagers, I drank to try to "fit in". Never really liked it and was always mindful that a drink could trigger the disease of addiction because it was in the family. I was an average student in school. Had the friends I hung out with. Never really dated until I met the man I married. We were married a month after I finished school. We have a wonderful, beautiful, and special daughter together. She is my blessing and I love her with every ounce of my being. Our marriage ended short of seven years together.
It was just me and my daughter for several years. Still, at this time, not dating any at all. As I was at work one day, this guy came into the store and he looked like someone I should know, but could not place him. We began to talk and he was someone that I had gone to school with. He was a year younger than me and may explain why he looked familiar but did remember his name. We did date for a while and after some time he asked me to marry him and I did.
He had a son that was just a little older than my daughter and we decided that we would not have any children because of the two we already had. We wanted to be able to afford things that they may want to do or have. My life then was so stressful, it is a wonder that I didn't start using then, but I didn't. Our marriage lasted a few years and it ended in a way that no one could ever imagine. Being held at gun point is something I pray will never happen to any one, because all I could think of was my daughter. It is really hard, I think, for someone to try and put themselves in my shoes, at that time there was no turning back. My marriage was over. I was utterly confused by his actions and can only thank God for getting me through it alive. (No need to ask anything about this one...what I have said is all there is to say.)
It was when that marriage ended that I began a life that would drag me so far from my roots that I did not know who I was any more, this was not an accident. No one made me do it. I actively sought out and began using. A choice of my own free will that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life! No, drinking did not trigger that sleeping demon inside of me, my using did and when it awoke, I was lost. For many years, I struggled. Knew I needed to stop but could not. There was a time toward the end that I did stop for a short period. But that demon is cunning and it raised it's evil head once again after almost 3 years. This time my journey was short. The demon took me down so fast that I didn't want to live or die.
All it took was a simple prayer, "God, please show me Your will for me and the power to carry it out." And He did. God touched my life, gave me the strength to say "Help me please, I can't do this by myself." Fortunately my family responded. They aided in getting me somewhere that I could find myself, the real me. Not that monster I had become.
I entered treatment. There I would learn why I did the things I did, what was going on inside of me, how to keep that demon locked up, arrested and at bay. They gave me the tools to ask for help, to be honest no matter what, to humble myself and to be able to say "I can't do this by myself." Treatment introduced the Fellowship to me. That was the "medicine" I had needed all those years of fighting. Not knowing why I did this or how do I stop doing this?
There began my life in recovery. There is no need to know what I did as far as using goes. All that matters is I am getting the help I so needed and I am living "my life" today. I am no longer following that demon.
Again, there are just things that it does not matter as to what, where, why or how, just that it happened. The names and identification of some people are also not needed just that they were who they were and I was who I was during that part of my life.
I have moved on from that young lady with the extremely low self-esteem. Afraid of not "fitting" in anywhere or with anyone. That women that thought "I've got this and I can handle it." I have moved on from those days that I could not take care of myself, from the pain, from the mistrust, from not being able to express myself, from being almost totally illiterate, to the person today that is trustworthy, has integrity, can say exactly what, how and why I feel the way I do. To the person today that can stand alone, in front of people, some known others unknown and read or speak in a manner in which you almost cannot tell I ever shuddered from the thought of being in front of folks all alone. They are "family", the known and unknown. They know from whence I came. They have empathy for me and others like me. They want me to succeed in all that I do.
They are my "friends", not acquaintances, that tell me the truth no matter what.
Thank God for each of them from New York City to Dayton Beach, I love and truly appreciate each and everyone of you that I have met and those that I am waiting to meet when it is time. Thank you God for doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Life and Death
Being in recovery, I have gone through a lot of things that I didn't want to do, but that is life on life's terms. The first month or so that I was home from treatment, I received a phone call from my mom telling me to pack my bags because we had to go to Florida. My uncle, daddy's brother, was dying. All my daddy's other siblings had already past on and this was his baby brother.
We left out and did not get to my uncle's home until after midnight. We went straight to the hospital. It was a long, hard trip to make. Emotions ran high the entire time we were there. I still had not gotten my medicine sorted out as to how I would be able to get it. So I ran out a few days after we arrived in Florida.
My uncle was moved from the hospital to one of the Hospice's down there and that was where we spent the remaining moments of his life. This is an experience that is somewhat hard to talk about because this was the uncle that always "made over me". Like, I thought I was his favorite niece.
My mom kept a close eye on me and would take me outside to walk a little just because she could see my anxiety level rise. That really helped me and I so do appreciate everything my mom and dad have done for me. But moving on, the nurses also could tell that there were times that I seemed more on edge than others. One of them even offered me some medicine that she had and I kindly declined. I had not spent the past 2-3 months learning why I did what I did and a new way to live, for one little pill to flush it all down the toilet. No, thank you, but I did appreciate her trying to help.
We were there for a week, exactly. Went down on a Thursday late evening and was on the road home the following Thursday late night. My uncle passed that following Thursday, one week after we arrived and we started back home around midnight the night of his death. There are several things, reasons, that happened between the time my uncle past to the time we left. Not getting in to the entire story, but things happened and stuff was said. And, we were on the road home that night.
Going through this experience and others, have made me look at things somewhat differently than before. I have learned a great deal since this trip, also. I don't have to attend all the arguments that I am invited to. I can tell you how I feel and why I feel that way without wanting to slap you up side your head. I am much more laid back than I was before. I have a right to feel the way I feel even if you don't think so.
I guess I should back up a little bit. When I came home from treatment I went back to the home I had, with my aunt. Don't know why, but after a few months, I felt the need to move in with my parents. This is one of the biggest blessings I have been given, time with my mom and dad. Now it can be trying at times, but I love them both so very much. I try to help them and they try to help me.
Sorry, I did not mean to get off track, but there are some things that you need to know and some that need to stay where they are. Somethings need to be said because it may help someone else. And some won't.
That is the reason I started this blog. By sharing my experiences, someone may be helped. As I stated a few posts ago, some folks don't even know where to go to get help nor what to do when they come from the treatment facility. I can happily say that there have been a few that have wanted to know more about who, what, where and how, about recovery.
I will end this one saying "For me recovery is wonderful. I am happier today than I can remember ever being. I love life and am living life with a brighter outlook." Now don't get it twisted, I still have times, days, weeks, even months that I wish this was not my life. There are things that I still do not want to deal with. Don't feel like I can handle dealing with them. Want things to just go away. Knowing these things, believe it or not, is growth for me. Being able to face life on life's terms is growth for me. Talking about my experiences over the last 2-3 years is growth for me.
Again, please leave a comment or email to let me know how I am doing. You know, do you find this blog interesting, boring, etc. You can leave your email and you will automatically be notified of new posts. If you are new, first time or two visiting my blog, please feel free to read past post to learn more about me and my experiences. Also, sorry once again for it being a few days since the last post, but we have had rainy weather all week and it has taken a while to get this one done. May God bless and keep you, may He protect and comfort you in whatever you are in need of.
We left out and did not get to my uncle's home until after midnight. We went straight to the hospital. It was a long, hard trip to make. Emotions ran high the entire time we were there. I still had not gotten my medicine sorted out as to how I would be able to get it. So I ran out a few days after we arrived in Florida.
My uncle was moved from the hospital to one of the Hospice's down there and that was where we spent the remaining moments of his life. This is an experience that is somewhat hard to talk about because this was the uncle that always "made over me". Like, I thought I was his favorite niece.
My mom kept a close eye on me and would take me outside to walk a little just because she could see my anxiety level rise. That really helped me and I so do appreciate everything my mom and dad have done for me. But moving on, the nurses also could tell that there were times that I seemed more on edge than others. One of them even offered me some medicine that she had and I kindly declined. I had not spent the past 2-3 months learning why I did what I did and a new way to live, for one little pill to flush it all down the toilet. No, thank you, but I did appreciate her trying to help.
We were there for a week, exactly. Went down on a Thursday late evening and was on the road home the following Thursday late night. My uncle passed that following Thursday, one week after we arrived and we started back home around midnight the night of his death. There are several things, reasons, that happened between the time my uncle past to the time we left. Not getting in to the entire story, but things happened and stuff was said. And, we were on the road home that night.
Going through this experience and others, have made me look at things somewhat differently than before. I have learned a great deal since this trip, also. I don't have to attend all the arguments that I am invited to. I can tell you how I feel and why I feel that way without wanting to slap you up side your head. I am much more laid back than I was before. I have a right to feel the way I feel even if you don't think so.
I guess I should back up a little bit. When I came home from treatment I went back to the home I had, with my aunt. Don't know why, but after a few months, I felt the need to move in with my parents. This is one of the biggest blessings I have been given, time with my mom and dad. Now it can be trying at times, but I love them both so very much. I try to help them and they try to help me.
Sorry, I did not mean to get off track, but there are some things that you need to know and some that need to stay where they are. Somethings need to be said because it may help someone else. And some won't.
That is the reason I started this blog. By sharing my experiences, someone may be helped. As I stated a few posts ago, some folks don't even know where to go to get help nor what to do when they come from the treatment facility. I can happily say that there have been a few that have wanted to know more about who, what, where and how, about recovery.
I will end this one saying "For me recovery is wonderful. I am happier today than I can remember ever being. I love life and am living life with a brighter outlook." Now don't get it twisted, I still have times, days, weeks, even months that I wish this was not my life. There are things that I still do not want to deal with. Don't feel like I can handle dealing with them. Want things to just go away. Knowing these things, believe it or not, is growth for me. Being able to face life on life's terms is growth for me. Talking about my experiences over the last 2-3 years is growth for me.
Again, please leave a comment or email to let me know how I am doing. You know, do you find this blog interesting, boring, etc. You can leave your email and you will automatically be notified of new posts. If you are new, first time or two visiting my blog, please feel free to read past post to learn more about me and my experiences. Also, sorry once again for it being a few days since the last post, but we have had rainy weather all week and it has taken a while to get this one done. May God bless and keep you, may He protect and comfort you in whatever you are in need of.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Early Recovery
In my recovery, I am learning so much about myself that I never knew. Today, I love myself. My self-esteem is higher than it has ever been. Coming to terms with my disease was not easy. I did not want to admit that I had a problem. That was the first step, admitting there was a problem. Next I had to ask for help. I am luckier than most because I have had my family's support from day one. Most addicts don't have any family or friends to help them. They let those folks down more than once and most were pushed away. We tend to isolate so we don't have to answer any questions.
There have been several physical changes as well as mental. Before treatment I weighed approximately 140 pounds and my hair was dirty blonde. Thought that I was in pretty good condition, physically that is. Since being in recovery, I gained right at 100 pounds in the first 4-6 months clean and let my hair go it's natural color, almost totally gray and short, short haircut.
Realized after entering recovery I had health issues and they were not just going to go away. My body hurt so bad all over. That was the main reason I had turned to using in the beginning. As long as I had something in my system, I didn't seem to hurt as bad, or at least I didn't notice the pain as much.
At one time in life I enjoyed working in the yard and garden. Had some really beautiful flowers and other plants and the lawn, well it was all well manicured. It was a huge part of my life, my yard and flower gardens. Had tulips, roses, lilies and more. I could spend the entire day working in my yard, until I was involved in a car accident. After that my life turned and went down hill so quickly. I could no longer do the things in my yard and gardens that I so loved.
So, moving forward, the doctors have diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, solid edema, and arthritis. And yes, they have me on medications to help with all the symptoms or most of them in some way or another. As long as I do what the doctors say then I don't hurt as bad. Have not been free of pain for even a day. So I've had to learn to deal with some pain because it has never completely gone away. There are days that I can't even get out of the bed. And I should add that nothing the doctors are treating me for is a result of my using. Thank God, at least I know that nothing I did while using caused any of my health issues.
Yes, when you have the issues I have changes in the weather will and do affect how you feel, with me it does any way. There are some days that the weather changes from sunny to rain and back to sun and... Those days I feel like my body is being pulled apart and then slammed back together. Really, it's not at all any fun. But it is much better than using.
More later. If you would like, please leave a comment or register as a member. I would love to hear what you think. How am I doing? Are there things you are wondering about? Leave a comment and if I can answer any questions I will try my best. Please leave an email for me to reply to as I don't know if all things need to be made public.
Til next time...
There have been several physical changes as well as mental. Before treatment I weighed approximately 140 pounds and my hair was dirty blonde. Thought that I was in pretty good condition, physically that is. Since being in recovery, I gained right at 100 pounds in the first 4-6 months clean and let my hair go it's natural color, almost totally gray and short, short haircut.
Realized after entering recovery I had health issues and they were not just going to go away. My body hurt so bad all over. That was the main reason I had turned to using in the beginning. As long as I had something in my system, I didn't seem to hurt as bad, or at least I didn't notice the pain as much.
At one time in life I enjoyed working in the yard and garden. Had some really beautiful flowers and other plants and the lawn, well it was all well manicured. It was a huge part of my life, my yard and flower gardens. Had tulips, roses, lilies and more. I could spend the entire day working in my yard, until I was involved in a car accident. After that my life turned and went down hill so quickly. I could no longer do the things in my yard and gardens that I so loved.
So, moving forward, the doctors have diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, solid edema, and arthritis. And yes, they have me on medications to help with all the symptoms or most of them in some way or another. As long as I do what the doctors say then I don't hurt as bad. Have not been free of pain for even a day. So I've had to learn to deal with some pain because it has never completely gone away. There are days that I can't even get out of the bed. And I should add that nothing the doctors are treating me for is a result of my using. Thank God, at least I know that nothing I did while using caused any of my health issues.
Yes, when you have the issues I have changes in the weather will and do affect how you feel, with me it does any way. There are some days that the weather changes from sunny to rain and back to sun and... Those days I feel like my body is being pulled apart and then slammed back together. Really, it's not at all any fun. But it is much better than using.
More later. If you would like, please leave a comment or register as a member. I would love to hear what you think. How am I doing? Are there things you are wondering about? Leave a comment and if I can answer any questions I will try my best. Please leave an email for me to reply to as I don't know if all things need to be made public.
Til next time...
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Road to Recovery...
Okay, since I have only given an outline, so to speak, there you have my experience of entering recovery. Posing the question "Why don't more folks get help?" The only answer I have, just from my experience, is that it is really a huge, life changing event and a hard step to make. Thinking back on what I had to go through to get help and then when I returned home, the aid that I would need most of all was not so easily found.
I truly believe that there should be a better system in place to aid the addict who is seeking help. Lots of the addicts are homeless, penniless and morally and emotional bankrupt. The hardest part was admitting I had a problem, finding out how to get help for said problem and then, there was coming home. No money, no friends, no regular doctor and no job, and some have no family to help. As you can see, there is a huge mental switch going on several times in recovery. And please, this is just my experience and no one else.
There, I feel, needs to be easier ways and means for someone to get the help they need. Of course, this is after they admit to themselves the need for help. It is my experience that there are a vast variety of help and facilities in which to receive this help. I feel that there should be more information on what, how and why for the addicts seeking help. The largest problem that I ran into when I came home was that a lot of things that I was told I needed to do and things that would be taken care of for me, just didn't happen.
Maybe your experience was different, easier when you came out of treatment, but for me, I truly feel that the liaison was ill informed either at the treatment facility or at the outpatient facility. I'm not sure. I do know that it took several months to get my medicines and doctor appointments that I needed. It was a very frustrating time. Don't get me wrong, I did have some help just not all the help or the correct help in certain areas for me entering recovery.
Once the "kinks" got worked out, the road of recovery was laid out in front of me, all I had to do was continue to move forward. Since I have been in recovery I have had health issues addressed, I receive my medicines that I need on a regular basis, and I have a network of people, just like me, that I can talk to about the crazy things we addicts think and do. You see, we have a disease just like someone with diabetes. It can be arrested and help is available. But an addict must do what is required to keep the disease arrested, no matter what, first and most importantly you must NOT use. Even if you are just abstinent, that is better than using. Yet there is so much more out there than just being abstinent.
I would not want my life any different than what it is. I have my family, my daughter, and a multitude of friends. True friends. The kind of friends that will honestly tell you when you are acting extremely stupid. Ones that have a shoulder for you to cry on even if they have no idea why. The ones that at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning say on the other end of the phone line "It will be okay. I'll be there as quick as I can, put a pot of coffee on". Those that don't ask why or how, but can I do anything, what do you need.
Having no idea what it is like for anyone but myself, I hope and pray that anyone that is homeless and in need, that anyone wanting, with every fiber of their being, help with the disease of addiction, will find the correct avenue for themselves that will lead them to the road of recovery. There are lots and lots of places, people that are out there to help. Maybe if they put more information about themselves out there addicts would know where to start. How to get the help they so desperately need and want.
So, if you know someone that wants help, do for them what you would want them to do for you. I truly feel that if people lived by the "Golden Rule" more there would not be so many addicts seeking help and never finding it. You can't "make" anyone want recovery, they must want it for themselves. Not for their wives, their husbands, children, or anyone other than themselves.
As my blog continues, I will be sharing my experiences that I am having in recovery. Maybe someone who is not sure will hear my story, my experiences and know that they too can have recovery. The beginning is not easy and no one will tell you that it is. They will tell you that "you" have to do the footwork to get the benefits of recovery.
I truly believe that there should be a better system in place to aid the addict who is seeking help. Lots of the addicts are homeless, penniless and morally and emotional bankrupt. The hardest part was admitting I had a problem, finding out how to get help for said problem and then, there was coming home. No money, no friends, no regular doctor and no job, and some have no family to help. As you can see, there is a huge mental switch going on several times in recovery. And please, this is just my experience and no one else.
There, I feel, needs to be easier ways and means for someone to get the help they need. Of course, this is after they admit to themselves the need for help. It is my experience that there are a vast variety of help and facilities in which to receive this help. I feel that there should be more information on what, how and why for the addicts seeking help. The largest problem that I ran into when I came home was that a lot of things that I was told I needed to do and things that would be taken care of for me, just didn't happen.
Maybe your experience was different, easier when you came out of treatment, but for me, I truly feel that the liaison was ill informed either at the treatment facility or at the outpatient facility. I'm not sure. I do know that it took several months to get my medicines and doctor appointments that I needed. It was a very frustrating time. Don't get me wrong, I did have some help just not all the help or the correct help in certain areas for me entering recovery.
Once the "kinks" got worked out, the road of recovery was laid out in front of me, all I had to do was continue to move forward. Since I have been in recovery I have had health issues addressed, I receive my medicines that I need on a regular basis, and I have a network of people, just like me, that I can talk to about the crazy things we addicts think and do. You see, we have a disease just like someone with diabetes. It can be arrested and help is available. But an addict must do what is required to keep the disease arrested, no matter what, first and most importantly you must NOT use. Even if you are just abstinent, that is better than using. Yet there is so much more out there than just being abstinent.
I would not want my life any different than what it is. I have my family, my daughter, and a multitude of friends. True friends. The kind of friends that will honestly tell you when you are acting extremely stupid. Ones that have a shoulder for you to cry on even if they have no idea why. The ones that at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning say on the other end of the phone line "It will be okay. I'll be there as quick as I can, put a pot of coffee on". Those that don't ask why or how, but can I do anything, what do you need.
Having no idea what it is like for anyone but myself, I hope and pray that anyone that is homeless and in need, that anyone wanting, with every fiber of their being, help with the disease of addiction, will find the correct avenue for themselves that will lead them to the road of recovery. There are lots and lots of places, people that are out there to help. Maybe if they put more information about themselves out there addicts would know where to start. How to get the help they so desperately need and want.
So, if you know someone that wants help, do for them what you would want them to do for you. I truly feel that if people lived by the "Golden Rule" more there would not be so many addicts seeking help and never finding it. You can't "make" anyone want recovery, they must want it for themselves. Not for their wives, their husbands, children, or anyone other than themselves.
As my blog continues, I will be sharing my experiences that I am having in recovery. Maybe someone who is not sure will hear my story, my experiences and know that they too can have recovery. The beginning is not easy and no one will tell you that it is. They will tell you that "you" have to do the footwork to get the benefits of recovery.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Happy 4th of July!!
Wanted to take a step away from the recovery thing and let everyone know that even though it has been brutally hot, I hope and pray everyone has a wonderful 4th of July! Folks are on vacation from work, schools are out for the summer, so everyone please be careful when you are out and about. The roads are full of cars going here and there and everywhere. Not all of those drivers have the attitude needed to drive in weather this hot and over crowded roads.
Please take care. Leave a little earlier to ensure that you aren't trying to rush so you won't be late. Maybe carry something cool to drink with you just in case you get caught up in traffic.
I just want to wish everyone the most blessed July the 4th that you can have. Love you all and will get back to my story in the next few days. Thanks for reading!!
Please take care. Leave a little earlier to ensure that you aren't trying to rush so you won't be late. Maybe carry something cool to drink with you just in case you get caught up in traffic.
I just want to wish everyone the most blessed July the 4th that you can have. Love you all and will get back to my story in the next few days. Thanks for reading!!
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