I want you to close your eyes and imagine you are in a strange place and you really don't know anyone or anything about where you are at. This place is scary, dark, frightening, and you are there alone. Now, you know what it is like for someone in active addiction. I have been in this place before and by God's grace, He reached me and lifted me up out of the pits of hell and loved me and He guides me today in His will not my own.
I can remember times, in active addiction, when I would lay in my bed and pray, beg for God to kill me. 'Take me now and release me from this horrible life' has been a prayer that I have said many many times in active addiction. I thought that I just wanted to die. That dying was my only hope for happiness, from the bondage that I was in, the only way for me to be free. Not many can relate to this, but if you have ever been in a place in your life that you thought dying was the best option you had, then you know some of what it is like being in active addiction.
When I first turned to drugs, I had been married and divorced twice. Had a daughter. Lived life and at one point I truly loved the person I was and the life that I had. But after my second divorce and being in a car accident that allowed me to be introduced to the thought of being able to 'get outside myself, numb myself', I began to sink into this 'pit' of low self esteem. Feelings of not being 'good enough', 'pretty enough', 'smart enough', among the many feelings that I started having. It seemed as if everything that I have ever wanted in my life had been given to me and it seemed that every part that I touched became sour and bitter. I felt my whole entire being crushed but waves and waves of self-doubt, self-centeredness, very, very low self-esteem.
For years, I felt that everything good in my life, I had turned it into bad. That every happiness I had, had been striped away from me. That I was a failure at every aspect of my life and that I was doomed to live life as a bitter, angry, scared person who would never know happiness again. So, feeling so low and unloved, unwanted, I turned to drugs. Something that would make the pain stop. Make the hurt go away. Something to help me not to feel again for feeling things seem to always go wrong for me.
Describing this to you brings back so many memories and brings tears to my eyes to know that this is where I came from. This is where God reached me. This is the place that God poured His love and grace on me. This is where that grace pulled me from the gates of hell. Only by His grace am I able to look back and be so over run with gratitude that tears run down my face each time I remember this as it happened in my life.
Five (5) years ago today, God pulled me up out of the mess I had put myself in and showered me with His grace for me. He began a process of healing, changing, making anew the person He had always envisioned me to be. He took me from the hell I was living and has shown me what TRUE living is. What it truly means for His will to be done in my life and not my own.
I would have never imagined that my life would be what it is today. I am happier, freer, loved more than mere words can express. God is good and so very loving and gracious. My gratitude is never ending, always flowing and running in the directions that God deems fit. Who knew that I would be standing in front of people just like me and sharing with them where it is that I come from. Where it is that God's grace and love have taken me and lead me this day.
No, you don't have to be an addict to understand any of these things I speak of. You only need to know that many understand where this place is that I was. You need only to know the hell yourself are living through or with. I learned, after 3 years of being clean that the DRUGS were NOT the problem...I WAS and AM the problem! Let me say that again 'the DOPE was/is not the problem, I WAS and still AM sometimes today'.
Never in the past 5 years have I never been honest as to what I have done, how I lived and how I have been blessed. Most folks that really know me and some that don't, know that I am a recovering addict. That I speak of my journey in hopes that one person will hear and understand just enough to know that they too can receive God's grace. There is nothing that could ever make me trade God's grace for anything in this world ever again.
No, I cannot do things that I once could do. I am no longer able to work a full time job. No longer able to garden or play softball. No longer able to enjoy many of the things that I once enjoyed and what I thought made me who I was. Ever since I was in that car accident my life has been transformed into a life I never ever would have dreamed of. And just so no one says, no the dope left no physical restrains on me, a blessing in it's self for there are many things that could have happened due to the type of drugs I used. This, too is only by God's grace that my physical problems were in the works right after the car accident took place.
Five years ago I was given a chance that many addicts get but do not accept. I am humbled by knowing that not all addicts are meant to get it. The sad reality of addiction is that some must die in order for others to understand what is waiting for them. There are many times I can remember and thought to myself 'I should have died because of that' but I didn't. I have searched and prayed much over the past 5 years as to why this was. Why did God shower His grace on me? The only answer I have is that others are meant to hear my history. To hear my life on life's terms today. To hear what I have done and learn what it is I do today for my peace, joyous and free living.
It is, I truly feel, meant for others that have addictions, struggles and just plain ole bad days in their life to learn of my journey. To learn where it was I came from and where it is that I am going today. To learn that you can walk beside God and allow His will in their life as I do today. To learn how to become humble, honest, accepting, trusting, and so many other spiritual principles so that their life can be joyous and free.
Yes, today is a milestone for me. 5 years since I got clean, got back some sanity. Received God's gift of His grace for me. Began a journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. Found others just like me. Found folks that truly care for me as me and not for some under laying reason. I find others hungry to learn what it is I have done to be where I am at today.
And yet all this is my journey and mine alone. No one else can walk this path for me nor would I want them to. Today, on this 5 year milestone, I still understand that doing the next right thing for the next right reason is what will sustain me on this journey. Sometimes things are not pleasant to have to experience but I must, to grow and continue on my journey.
To those of you that read my blog each time I post, please share this website with others, maybe on your Facebook or Twitter accounts. I think that there is a lot of information that someone may need and if you share with others maybe others can find recovery too. Thank you to those that read and support me in publishing this blog. I never would have dreamed 5 years ago that I, of all people, be writing a blog that others read and enjoy and learn from. Thank you so much for this.
"HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!"
No, I cannot do things that I once could do. I am no longer able to work a full time job. No longer able to garden or play softball. No longer able to enjoy many of the things that I once enjoyed and what I thought made me who I was. Ever since I was in that car accident my life has been transformed into a life I never ever would have dreamed of. And just so no one says, no the dope left no physical restrains on me, a blessing in it's self for there are many things that could have happened due to the type of drugs I used. This, too is only by God's grace that my physical problems were in the works right after the car accident took place.
Five years ago I was given a chance that many addicts get but do not accept. I am humbled by knowing that not all addicts are meant to get it. The sad reality of addiction is that some must die in order for others to understand what is waiting for them. There are many times I can remember and thought to myself 'I should have died because of that' but I didn't. I have searched and prayed much over the past 5 years as to why this was. Why did God shower His grace on me? The only answer I have is that others are meant to hear my history. To hear my life on life's terms today. To hear what I have done and learn what it is I do today for my peace, joyous and free living.
It is, I truly feel, meant for others that have addictions, struggles and just plain ole bad days in their life to learn of my journey. To learn where it was I came from and where it is that I am going today. To learn that you can walk beside God and allow His will in their life as I do today. To learn how to become humble, honest, accepting, trusting, and so many other spiritual principles so that their life can be joyous and free.
Yes, today is a milestone for me. 5 years since I got clean, got back some sanity. Received God's gift of His grace for me. Began a journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. Found others just like me. Found folks that truly care for me as me and not for some under laying reason. I find others hungry to learn what it is I have done to be where I am at today.
And yet all this is my journey and mine alone. No one else can walk this path for me nor would I want them to. Today, on this 5 year milestone, I still understand that doing the next right thing for the next right reason is what will sustain me on this journey. Sometimes things are not pleasant to have to experience but I must, to grow and continue on my journey.
To those of you that read my blog each time I post, please share this website with others, maybe on your Facebook or Twitter accounts. I think that there is a lot of information that someone may need and if you share with others maybe others can find recovery too. Thank you to those that read and support me in publishing this blog. I never would have dreamed 5 years ago that I, of all people, be writing a blog that others read and enjoy and learn from. Thank you so much for this.
"HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!"
