Happy New Year!!

As 2012 comes to an end, I am reflecting back to all that has happened over this year:

This year I started this blog and am still going strong.  Many of you have been so kind as to respond favorably to the issues that I post.  This has really meant a lot to me, as I can express so much more in the written word than I could ever express by speaking.  Yet, this has given me new and a high level of self-esteem and I can, if needed, speak in front of groups of people and be okay with it.  You have helped me grow so much this past year that 'Thank You' seems to fall a bit short in my amount of gratitude that I have.  Am praying that the coming year will be even better than this one.  Taking one day at a time and one foot in front of the other, I will get to my destination.

This year has brought us happiness and sorrow.  We have lost many friends, family and folks we don't even know to the horrors of this cruel and, at times, unloving world.  Children taken before their time.  Many  have questioned how could this happen, who is responsible, and what can we do so this doesn't happen again?  I fear that there are no cut and dry answers to the cry of the public.  For me, I must live in today, try not to worry about yesterday for I cannot change anything and not look head to tomorrow for it is not promised.  I feel, that we all must live in today.  Do what we can when we can today.

For me, I see a nation that is so divided that it is hard to tell good, bad and indifferent from each other.  No one can make heads or tails out of the multitude of events happening here and abroad.  Many are asking how to get God back to America, what can we do, where can we turn?  I say, God never left America, America has left God.  We, as a nation, need to remember where it is that this great nation of ours formed from.  The poem "Footprints" says it all, for me anyway.  God has not and will not leave anyone that has accepted Him into their lives.  Yes, we do stray away from time to time, but He is always there to let us walk beside Him again when we are able.

I know I am sadden for many that cannot see this or understand how this has happened.  We demand too much from others and do not give enough to God.  This once great Nation of ours can be that again, but only if we get out of the way and let God lead us instead of this one or another who do not walk with Him to begin with.  I fear the more we try or have others try to "fix" things the worse they will become.  We must move out of the way.  Stop telling help how to help us.  As individuals, we must allow God's will in our lives to be done and I think in turn, His will shall be done for America.

My process of recovery has allowed me to look at events with a different perspective.  I can and do have acceptance, tolerance, patience, hope, faith and so on in my life today.  I can look at things, events, people with an open mind and an open heart.  I do my very best to get out of God's way in my life and let Him show me His will for me and how I may carry out that will.  We must all get back to living as 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you'.  You know "The Golden Rule"!  Many, so many have or seem to have forgotten this.  And it is so sad that the answer to so many prayers could be this plain and so very simple plan.  A plan that says that I will, everyday God allows me to have, treat each and everyone that I may come in contact with, directly or indirectly, the way in which I would want to be treated.

Simple, yes, it is.  But lots of times it is the simple things that we cannot do.  Most feel that there should be more than just this.  For me, this is enough.  It is when we try to add to the solution, that has worked for decades, that the problems grow and grow until no one can 'fix' them.  I live a very simple and wonderful life.  Family, friends, loved ones that I truly care for and they for me.  I don't make things harder than they have to be, that, for me, is just plain crazy.  Each day God allows me to have, I ask what do  you want me to do and how do you want me to do it?  I cannot live today another way.  God has been so kind and caring to give me a life that is worth living for that I must and shall live it the way He would have me live.

Sorry, that this sounds more like a sermon  but those that know me know that I write from my heart and not my head.  Many things do not sound the way you might think they should sound but that is where my own personality comes in.  I wanted this post to be one that would make everyone that read it say 'wow, that's something to think about' or 'you know it could really be that simple'.

This post is the last one for 2012.  I wanted to end the year with something so profound that you would be eager for more in 2013.  I do appreciate all of you for the support you give.  You give it so freely and without restrains, as I feel that if we could do that in all areas of our lives then we could get back to something like it was before.  Before what you may ask, I have no clue!  But to me, that is the beauty of living for God's will and not my own.

May your new year give you more avenues to explore.  May your goals be reachable.  May you all know happiness without strings attached.  May you find your way home and may God be the one you give the glory to.

Happy New Year to all.  Be safe, sober and free.  Give someone a hug, you never know what could come from it.  Live this new year with a renewed love in your heart for others and not yourself.  Think less of yourself and more of others.

May God bless each of you and may you find the way that you can walk with Him throughout your entire life.  Much love and respect to all....see ya next year!!!

Hold On Tight, This Could Get A Little Rough...

Okay, here goes...

I have been praying and studying and trying to understand some things that have been said to me and about me.  So, you may not want to read this post, but I must get this out or it will continue to eat me up on the inside.  With that being said, let me please also state that I understand if you are not interested in my blog.  You can be removed easily from the mailing list, just email me and I will delete you.  But please, is it really necessary for folks to be so very rude about it?  I really don't see why some folks don't understand that just because you sent an email to someone does not mean that they received it.  Computers do have flaws.

So, please don't be so harsh if you have sent an email requesting your name be removed.  This is one thing I feel that has really changed over the years, everyone thinking that 'they' are special or are more deserving than others.  When it really comes down to it, no one is better than anyone else.  I have no problem removing someone from my mailing list, the problem that I have is when someone is very rude in making their request.  Do you not understand that I too, have feelings?  Are you that caught up in your 'own little world' that you think you are the center of the universe?  Seriously, I do not get folks sometimes.  And yes, I have replied to these emails in a some what blunt way.  So please if you want to be removed fine, just understand that just because you have sent an email does not automatically mean that it was received.

Moving on...

Some thing else I feel I need to clear the air on... my view on 'addiction'.  Okay, first, I am a recovering addict.  God is a huge part of my life and for someone to say that I am not 'God centered or Christian' is highly offensive.  First, where does anyone get off on telling someone that they are not a Christian?  Where does it say that just because you work as a rehab counselor that you know more about addiction than I do?  As the saying goes:  Walk a day in my shoes then and only then can you start to begin to understand my life and my recovery.

Just because some one works in a rehab facility, does not in any way, shape or form give them the insight on addiction.  Just because you are a rehab counselor does not make you better to help someone in active addiction than I can give.  You see, I have experienced first hand what a counselor in a rehab facility that has never experienced addiction, can give.  All you have to go on is what you were taught in school and let me tell you a little secret, you don't know crap about addiction and the effect it can have on the brain.  There is no way for you to comprehend what a day is like for an addict.

When I first got clean, I did attend some out patient treatment after I returned home from the treatment facility .  I watched first hand two counselors that were not in recovery try to explain to a young lady that everything was going to be okay.  The young lady was terrified by the events that were unfolding in her life.  She truly had no idea what to do, how to do, or why she needed to do anything.  The two counselors continued to tell her 'it's going to be okay', 'your going to be okay', 'everything will be alright' and so on.  Never once did they offer her any type solution or comforting words that she could understand and hold on to.

You see, some say that addiction is not a disease and that you can indeed be cured.  I cannot, at this time in my life, state that.  To me, addiction is an incurable disease.  That makes me no less of a Christian than anyone else.  I have shared in the past about the characteristics of the disease of addiction.  The compulsion and obsession that, an addict, any addict, has to live with day in and day out.  It is our way of thinking that makes us an addict, not the use of mind altering, mood changing substances that we may use.

Addiction to mind altering, mood changing substances has been proven to have different effects on the human brain.  One of the biggest effects, to me, is that if someone started using mind altering mood changing substances at a young age, then they are still mentally that age.  For example, if I had started using these substances when I was say 10 and I continued to using these substances until I turned 40, then my mind set is still that of a 10 year old.

As with the young lady I was speaking of earlier.  She began her use of these kinds of substances when she was 8 years old.  Now she has stopped using these substances and reality is hitting her from all sides.  She is married.  She has a baby with another on the way.  She and her husband are living with his parents that are using.  The system is threatening to take her children from her.  So as a substance abuse counselor you are going to sit there and  just say to this young lady that is 24 but has the mindset of a 8 year old, "Everything is going to be okay."???  This young lady was truly terrified and was crying uncontrollably.  She said over and over again and again "I don't know what to do."  "I don't know where to start."

As I sat there, wanting one of the counselors to explain to her why she was feeling so overwhelmed in hopes it would help to calm her down, but they said nothing that was helpful.  I finally said to them all "She started using when she was 8.  You are talking to an 8 year old child."  I looked at her and called her by name and said "It will be okay but the reason you are feeling this way is because you don't know how to feel any different.  Technically, you are still 8 years old but you can make it through this.  It's not going to happen over night.  You are going to have to learn some things before you will feel better about your situation.  But you can do this.  Others before you have done it and you can to."

All three looked at me in amazement. The two counselors acted and said that they did not know that about substance abuse.  That what I said made sense and together we all were able to calm the young lady down.  The counselors helped her to write out a plan for her to follow to try to get her life straighten out.  When we were done that afternoon, the young lady was full of gratitude for she finally understood why she was feeling so over-whelmed with everything in her life.

I am not writing and telling this story to 'toot' my own horn.  I am posting this for I have been told that I 'was not a Christian' if I thought that addiction was an incurable disease.  That if I truly were a Christian I would know that God can deliver us from all things.  To that I say 'you are correct', but because addiction is a disease, if I don't do what I need to in my recovery, my disease can easily lead me right back out to using.  Again, addiction is a disease of how addicts minds work.  Yes, I believe that God can cure that, but I also know that I have to do my part in the relationship that I have with God.  I feel that anyone and everyone that has a relationship with God or someone, both have a part to play in that relationship and if one does not do their part then problems can occur in that relationship.  If I don't do my part to support and help my relationship with God grow and be strong, then addiction could come crawling back into my life before I realize what is happening.

Now, with all that being said, I would like to state how I feel clearly so that there will be no confusion.  I am a recovering drug addict.  I am and have been a Christian since a young age.  God has always been a part of my life even in active addiction.  If it were not for the belief that I have in God, I would not have come to this point in my life.  For anyone who thinks an addict can't be a Christian, I ask you remember and even re-read 'Footprint'.  Once I asked God to come into my heart and teach me to live by His will and not my own, He did and He has never left me.  During my active addiction, He carried me.  He protected me.  Most of all, He loved me just as He loved me from the first day I asked Him into my heart.

Yes, there are different ideas out there of addiction, God, right and wrong, but please understand that this is my feelings, my life and my 'first hand' experiences.  I do not try to push anything on anyone and would ask the same in return.  We all have a course that our lives take.  We all decide what that course will be.  No one has the right to question anyone else of the claim to be Christian or not.  It is not mine nor your place to say who is a Christian and who is not.  That is between God and the person.

I respect others and their right to choose for themselves.  I only ask that you show me the same respect that I give to you.  Not because one is better or knows more than the other, but because it is the RIGHT thing to do.

I want to thank those that read my post regularly.  Your continued support means a great deal to me.  As I have also said, if I can help just one person, even if that one is just me, then this blog is well worth the time and energy that I put into it.

Only Christmas Gift I Can Give to You

Mom and Dad,

I have thought about what to get you two for Christmas.  Unable to think of anything, I give you this. Hope you know and understand where this comes from and just how much y'all mean to me.  So, here goes...

Christmas past found our family loving and giving to each other.  Remembering those days past put a smile on my face, for I truly feel our family have a special love for each other that no other family has.  We always had a real Christmas tree and it made the house smell of that cedar-pine odor that gives you that warm feeling inside.  Though we had our family Christmas on PPG's work schedule for dad, Christmas would not be the same had we not waited when needed.  Excited and wanting to know what all my presents were, I learned that was Christmas at our house.

Going to Grandma Morrow's house Christmas Eve was always a favorite time of mine until God decided He needed her home to be with Grandpa and others that loved her as much as I did.  I truly miss her, as I miss Grandma and Grandpa Jackson.  Sadly, I can't say that about Grandpa Morrow for I was really too young to even remember him.  I can accept that knowing that one day I will meet him again.

This Christmas, I have no ways or means to 'buy' a present for either of you.  But because both of you have taught me that Christmas is not about the gifts that are given or received, but the love that we have for each other and the God had for us all with the gift of the birth of His son, Jesus.  Christmas would be meaningless if there were no love for us to share with each other and others.

Growing up, Christmas became more about see loved one than giving gifts though we still exchanged gifts when possible.  I have never felt anything but true love from y'all.  Even the times in my life that I did not make the good, right decisions.  And that's just it, y'all taught me that we learn from our mistakes and move on.  There have been times in my life that if you had turned your backs on me, I would have understood in the end.  But neither of you have ever done that.  You both have been there for me in your our way.

No other person could be so filled with gratitude as I have for my parents.  Through divorces, unhealthy relationships and drug use you both have been there for me.  My recovery would be nothing with out y'all by my side.  Amends have been done, not all have been verbal, most are living amends.  In the hope that the way I live my life today, everyday, is the best and most loving amends I feel I can make to my entire family.

You have stood by me, guided me, and most of all y'all LOVE me.  And as I stated, that is the greatest gift of all.  God saw fit to make you two my parents.  He picked you two out especially for me.  He picked my brothers and sister, just for me.  As with any family we have had our arguments, disagreements and fights but we always did it with love for one another and that made us stronger people.

Now, God has seen fit for me to be under your roof once again.  No, this is not the first time, but I feel this has been the best time of all.  We have fun and laugh at each other.  We are there for each other no matter what.  We still have disagreements and don't see eye to eye on somethings, but we still LOVE each other.

God is good.  I could not have asked for a better life than the one that you two have provided for me, my entire life.  No matter where or what my problems were or are, y'all have been there.  Respect is something that I have learned is not given it is earned.  The respect that I have for the two of you is just as great as the gratitude.  There are times some days that tears come to my eyes for as I said God has given us a special time.  A special time that I would not change for anything in this world.

My Christmas wish for the two of you are that you both find the peace, happiness and love that you used to build this family of ours.  Only you two have the right combinations of those three ingredients for it to work as beautifully has it has.  Your family is spread out from here to the southern states, yet we all know that the others love us even if they are far away.

So, in closing, I hope that you know, but that you feel all the love and gratitude that I have for you both as my parents.  My level of respect is overflowing as well.  If others could have had you as parents they would have been just as blessed as I have been.

I love you , mom and dad.  And thank you for being my parents.  Thank you God for making them my parents and the family that you have allowed them to have and share with others.

Love you both!

To My Brothers and Sister, Thank you

To my brothers and my sister,

Being the youngest, I understand there were and are times that I am a pain.  With all that has happened with me the past few years, I find that it is time for me to say "Thank You" in my own way...

You have been there to guide me, pick at me and play with me.  Following you everywhere you went.  You took up for me if I were ever threaten and you looked out for me in your own way.  You taught me things that only a brother or sister could teach.  As I grew, you tried to show me right from wrong, but then came time for me to decide what was best for myself.

Through school, marriage, birth of a child and divorces, you all have been there.  To guide me, teach me, and comfort me in joyous times and sad times, no matter what the circumstances you were always there.

There have been times when you have had to step into my life and make hard decisions for me, because I was unable or incapable to do what needed to be done.  I am so grateful.  I must admit that I have needed looking after.  There were paths my life took that were bad decisions in my judgement.

You were there to make sure my daughter was taken care of when I could not do that job.  Though there were moments of anger and bitterness, you did what was best for all involved.

Now, looking back, I can see that all you did for me was because you loved me.  You tried and did protect me the best you could.

Now, it is my time to say "Thank you and I love you all!"  There is nothing that I can do to change events in our past nor would I really want to.  For if I did, we would not be where we are today in our relationships with each other.

So, this Christmas, my gift to y'all is to the living amends I am making.  Words are not enough for me to say I am sorry.  The life I live today, hopefully, shows you the gratitude that I have for the three of you.  And to your families as well.

As I have come to realize my mistakes in the past and the love that you tried so hard to give to me, I can only pray that by living my life the way I am today will show you that I am sorry for the things that I have done or said.  Understanding that those things were hurtful and painful, I ask that you forgive me.  Allow me to make my living amends to you all.

With the love that our family has among us, I am growing more and more everyday.  I would like to think that I, in some small way, am mending our relationships the best I can.  You three have been loving, kind, caring and supportive as I recover from my painful past.

I love each of you in a special way.  No one else you know can love you and respect you the way I do.  You are and have always been great examples for me to follow.  Being the youngest, I guess I had to bump my rear more before I could see that you three are only loving me the way you know how to love me.

Thank you for being my brothers and sister!  There are no others that I would want to call my siblings.  May God bless each of you and your families.  May we continue onward in our lives loving and comforting each other as only we can do.  You are by far the greatest siblings in the world and I am so proud to call you my brothers and sister.

Much love and respect to each of you.  Thank you.  And love ya!!!



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Merry Christmas!

Wishing all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Well, Christmas is much different these days.  There are so many of us that it is hard at times to get everyone something.  This Christmas is no different.  Hugs and kisses all around will be the gifts from me.  But not too many kisses for after working to get a pretty smile for Christmas, I woke this morning to an abscessed tooth and my face is swollen.  Very uncomfortable, but God will see me through this.  Have some medicine and hopefully the swelling and soreness will be eased by Christmas night.  That is the time that my family gets together to celebrate the season.

Am still trying to understand how some folks' minds work.  I hear on the TV some man saying that kids have been exposed to too much violence on TV, in video games, and so on.  That the media plays on the bad stuff making things sound cool the way they were done or like the bad people are so "great" because of all the hype the media gives them.  And once more I ask "Do you hear the words coming out of YOUR mouth?"  And now I am off to the races so to speak......

Too much violence on TV, well, parents YOU need to cut the TVs off.  Video games...seriously...take them away and well, there is not much you can do about the media except 'TEACH' your children right from wrong.  Take time to explain to them that that is just the media trying to sell papers, so to speak.  Parents, YOU are the ones responsible for teaching these things to your children.

So many parents are very quick to blame the TV, the media and school teachers.  It is not the job of the TV to babysit your children.  It is not the job of the media to explain what, why or how to your children.  And most of all, TEACHERS teach your children things like how to read, how to do math and so on.  They are there to do the best they can with what they have to 'extend or enhance' what they "SHOULD BE TAUGHT AT HOME!!"

So, yea I know, I may upset some of y'all but that's just too bad.  If parents today would teach their children the fundamentals of life, ie:  manners, right from wrong, to respect others, and so on.  The world today, sometimes I would just love to scream at the top of my lungs and say "What are you thinking??  Or are you thinking at all???"  You wonder how someone can go into a school and kill young children, how someone could go into a restaurant and open fire on people they don't even know, and you say "We need to put God back into our schools."

Well, I say, and if I offend you do not read any more of this post, God only left because He is not in your hearts.  He is not in the hearts of the children in school.  Not all, but just hear me out, I am speaking just in general.  In no way am I trying to say that anyone in particular, does not have God in their hearts, okay.

Now, yes they have said that you can't pray in school, aloud, you cannot pray before sporting events, aloud, prayer may offend someone of another faith or belief.  I say, all this have the same thing, aloud.  They cannot say you can't pray at all.  If parents today, most parents, today would teach their children like I and many others were taught, a child can still pray in school, silently to themselves.  They can still pray at sporting events, again silently and to themselves.  No one has to hear what your pray is.  You don't have to speak a single word when you pray, God is all knowing, all hearing and all seeing.  Children today, most, don't even know if they believe in God,  or not.

Folks, it is our responsibility to teach our children, your children if they are to have any type of chance in this world.  Do not let the government 'dumb' your children down.  That is what is happening when you think they can't pray in school anymore.  The officials have stopped God from entering the schools.  My friends, if you truly believe this then yes, you are truly lost.

God is everywhere and anywhere He wants or you need Him.  We need to get Him back where He should be and that is in your hearts.  In to the hearts of your children.  No one or no officials should ever be allowed to make you think for just a moment that you cannot call on God if needed.  That is not their right.

This is what I feel the world needs today.  America needs today.  Put God back into your hearts and minds. Teach your children the fundamentals of growing up and becoming an adult.  If you have no clue as to what I am speaking of, just ask your grandmother or grandfather, they know.  I bet they have been trying to tell you for years "You shouldn't let that child talk to you that way."  "You are the parent, not the child."

You see, I truly feel that this is the problem, very simple with a simple solution.  If I have learned anything in my process of recovery it is that most everything, problems, issues, and so, are simple and have very simple solutions.  I feel it is time that parents take back what they should have never let go in the first place, their right to teach their child what they feel their child needs to know and what they want them to know.  No one has the right to tell you different.  They may think they can, but sorry, no they can not.

That is one of the reasons behind the "Constitution of the United States"!  Not sure what I am talking about, well give it a read one day and you, hopefully, will understand.  There are just some things that the government cannot tell you that you can or cannot do.  To an extent, you can live your life the way you choose to, just don't hurt anyone else in that process.  Yes, we all have laws that we must all live by but there are 'the rights of the people'!

Again, read "The Constitution of the United States" and then see if you don't understand life in America just a little better.  As a Christian, I have laws other than those of the United States that I must follow.  Not sure if you know them or not but God set forth two stone tablets in which He had carved in them, the 12 commandments.  These are God's laws, not mans, but God's.

This holiday season, I pray that Americans will wake up and realize what is going on and what the solution for them is.  Please understand that I am not, in any way trying to tell anyone what to do or think, that is not my right, what I am doing is trying to get people to understand that we, the people of America seem to have walked away from God, not the other way around.

The Christmas season is in celebration of God's gift to the world, His Son, Jesus Christ!  He gave us His Son, so that we may know how He truly and deeply loves us, His children.

If I have offended you, I am truly sorry, but that is the reason for the statement earlier to stop reading.  I am a person who believes in my right of free speech, as long as I do not hurt anyone else in the process.  I believe in doing what I can to help someone else out as long as I don't hurt another in the process.  I feel that some of the experiences that I have had in active addition and in recovery can help someone else.  That is why I do this blog.  If I can give just one person just a small piece of hope, comfort, the feeling of someone else caring for them, then I will continue to post.

Recently, I had someone email me back and stated 'please remove me from you list, I have requested in the past that you remove my name I don't care about this junk you are sending out.'  Basically that is what their email read.  I did not get mad, upset, or any way out of sorts.  I calmly replied to the man and told him I was sorry.  That his name would be removed and that I must have not gotten the first email, but I apologized any way stating that it must have been an over sight on my part.  If anyone else feels the same, please let me know, for this does take time to post and then to email out to about 500 people.

And no, this is not going to stop me from writing my blog.  If I am the only one that this helps, and believe me it does help me to write these things out, I am going to continue for myself, if for no one else.

May you all have a Happy and Joyous Christmas and may you Rejoice in the New Year!!



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Strength to Move Forward

God,

Here once again to pray that the people of this nation realize that they must allow You back into their lives.  There are so many innocent lives being lost for no reason.  No, I believe there is a reason, for everything happens for a reason.  People are posting that since You were taken out of the schools that is in part what allowed this to happen.  Not sure if I agree with that statement.  It is so very sad to say, and someone will be offended I'm sure, but God does not 'let' bad things happen.  The Devil is loose and on the face of this earth.  Bad things happen, I feel, due to choices that we make.

Being in recovery has taught me that things happen for a reason and it is because of the choices we make or have made that lay the ground work for things to come.  I am very sadden to the events yesterday.  I cannot imagine losing my child at such an early age.  These events are weighing heavy on most folks heart.  Most of us know that things like this should not happen, but they do.

My prayer is for all those families that lost a  loved one, may the pain you are feeling now, be turned into love for God.  As hard as this is for me to write, I know that many will not appreciate my words. We must pray for the people that are affected by these events.  We must pray for understanding and forgiveness, guidance and acceptance.

Understanding for we will never know the entire story behind this and other hideous crimes that have and will be committed.  Forgiveness for those that carry out these crimes for they are lost and need prayers so that they may be led to God.  Guidance as to how to move forward.  We must carry on even in these days of total sorrow.  And acceptance, for things of this nature are going to happen.  There is not much we can do to change that.  We must accept the fact that for no matter what we as a nation try to do, there will always be someone or something that is doing all it can do to break this nation more than it already is.

My opinion is that the only one that has any answers is our Father, God.  I feel that until we, as a nation, one people, allow God back into our lives and teach our children morals and values, the end will come only quicker than you could have ever imagined.

No, I nor anyone on this earth will be able to stop every crime that is as heart wrenching as this.  But we can come together and agree that the morals and values that we were taught as children are not being taught today.  It is not the teachers place to have to teach and explain the values, morals and manners that we should live by.  Too many parents do so little today with their children and schooling them in these things that should have been taught at home long before they are school age.  Too many parents today are too quick to blame the school, teachers and anything else as long as it is not themselves.

Yes, my heart is heavy today for the ones that were left behind and  will have to find a way to somehow  continue on in their lives.  Something I would not wish on anyone.  My grandmother had to watch a child of hers pass and she always said that no mother should have to witness the death of a child as this was unnatural.  Believe me when I tell you that this is the hardest post I have written thus far.  But because God is first and foremost in my life, I feel that these thoughts that a lot of folks are having, but for whatever reason do not want to share them, then here is their out.  I have said the things for you that needed to be said.

Now that they are said we must, even if it is a small amount show forgiveness, some understanding, and a little acceptance in order to move forward in each of our own lives as well as a nation.

May you ask God for the understanding, forgiveness,  and acceptance we all need in our lives each day.  May you allow the love of God to fill your heart and show in your actions to others.  Allow Him to guide you and your family in all that you do and may He protect and comfort those in need.  May God keep you and bless you all the days of your life.

Willing to do What is Necessary???

Recently, I did a post about working on getting my teeth fixed and going to the NCMOM free dental clinic. I have been very fortunate to be able to attend 3 of the NCMOM free dental clinics over the past 3 to 4 months.  If you need dental work and cannot afford it, you may benefit from going to one of   their free dental clinic.

My experience at all three clinics has been nothing short of great!  The volunteers, dentists, hygienist and all the other people that oversee each clinic are all extremely friendly and very helpful.  Yes, you have to be willing to do what it takes to be seen and make sure you fall in the income brackets to be eligible for the services they offer.

This post is to try to help folks understand how the NCMOM free dental clinics work.  Since I have been attending I have heard such negative statements made from people that seem to be ill informed about these clinics.  First, the services are for anyone that qualifies on their income scale.  Not just people out of work.  Not just illegals.  The clinics have guidelines to follow and if you fall in the guidelines correctly then you can receive the services they offer.  These offers include cleanings, fillings, extractions, dentures, partials and crowns.  But please note that the only offers that are at each clinic are cleanings, fillings, and extractions.  The others may or may not be offered.  You have to do a little work and check their schedule.  They will list what  will be offered at that particular clinic.

They also post the time that the clinics will start seeing patients.  Now the thing is they can only service so many people, so it is a first come first serve basis.  Having attended three of these clinics myself, I can tell you that you must show up very early and have the patience to wait.  At each clinic, I was in line the day before the clinic was scheduled to start and stayed all night to ensure my spot.  By doing so, I was seen and received the treatments that I needed done at each clinic.  I have read people stating "only illegals get free dental help", "unemployment can't be down if there is a free dental clinic in town", "I showed up the day they were to have the free dental clinic and they weren't letting anyone else in, why?"

So, statements like those are the reason for this post.  Anyone can receive treatment from the free dental clinics as long as they qualify under the income chart.  Unemployed or employed, it all depends on the income chart.  Yes, the lines are long.  Their are so many people that just cannot afford to go to a dentist on a regular basis.  You have to be willing to do what is necessary to receive the help being offered.  Please don't make negative comments or statements on things that you have no idea how they operate.

Being in recovery has taught me to look at things a little differently than I use to.  I have learned that if something is worth having then it is worth doing the footwork to get it.  No, it was not an easy road to be on getting the dental treatments that I have received at the clinics.  With the health issues I have and deal with on a daily basis, I have paid the price physically in order to receive the dental care I needed.  Having to stay overnight and sleep in a chair put me in the bed for days after I got home from the clinics.  But it all has been worth every painful moment so that I can eat with out hurting.  I can smile again without feeling ashamed of my teeth.  Yes, things worth having are, this is just my experience, harder to get.  You have to jump through hoops.  Sometimes it is a hoop you don't feel you should have to go through but everyone else has done it, what makes you, me, so special to think we don'r have to jump that hoop.

So, I am a citizen that is unemployed and I show up as early as possible for things I know I need, or want, but cannot afford any other way.  There was a time that I would not humble myself 'that low' to get something free.  Today, I know that being humble is not the same as humility.  Humble is knowing when I need to admit that I cannot do what is necessary by myself, I must have help.  We all have some amount of pride about ourselves, but there does come a time when our pride must be put on a shelf and ask for help.  To me, this is how I humble myself.  There are many things that I have had to wait on or go through to receive the help that I need on a daily basis.  Please don't get the wrong impression of me, if I can afford it then I do pay out of pocket like everyone else.  But the amount of work that I have had done would have been something that I just could not afford.

So, this recovering addict request that in the future before you make a statement about or on something that you have no idea as to what is truly going on, do your research on the subject.  This helps you to make statements in an intelligence way.  Know the facts, and not just what someone else has said.  There are those that will tell you one thing while all the time they just wanted something from you.  You just have to know for yourself what the truth is.

These clinics are not 'fly by night' setups.  There are trained people.  Dentist from the surrounding area donating their time to help someone.  They are very helpful and professional in nature.  They volunteer their time because they want to, not because they have to!  They help thousands and thousands of people each year.  They are a huge credit to the communities that raise the money in order to host a clinic.  So, please, for me and yourself, be better informed of what is going on.  What the 'true' facts are.

It has been an experience that I never will forget.  If you are thinking of attending a NCMOM free dental clinic, check the location and time and what will be offered.  It is a very humbling experience for anyone that has to depend on a free dental clinic instead of a regular dentist that sees you on a regular basis.

Are you willing to do what is necessary?

Manipulations and Guilt Trips...Are You Guilty?

After being in recovery for 3 years, I have learned that an addict can tell another addict fairly easy.  My program has taught me that even if I were to move to help me stop using, I would just find new folks in that area to use and get drugs from.  Most of the time a geographical change will not stop an addict who is not truly ready to stop using.  So, basically, we addicts know each other where ever we may be in the world.  We all have the same traits of the disease and that is one reason we are easily identified by another addict.

Addicts, I, are all self-centered and selfish people.  We, I think only of myself and what I need.  Putting my needs ahead of anyone else was the way my life was in active addiction.  All addicts have this mind set.  We think we are pros at manipulation and telling lies.  Our minds run a hundred miles a minute thinking of ways and means to get more.  Doesn't matter more what, just more.  We isolate in order to use and think that no one will know.  We think only of ourselves, disregarding the needs of our family members, husbands, wives, children.  We live in a world that we have made for ourselves letting no one in.

To give an example of how an addicts mind works sometimes, I would like to share a story of an addict that has yet to say "I am an addict."  This young lady has a family, husband and children, but she thinks only of herself.  She has a mother that loves her dearly and loves her grandchildren, also.  About a month ago, this addict called her mother and ask that she come and take her somewhere.  When the mother question why could she not drive herself, she stated that she was wanting to go to a club where she knew she would be drinking and didn't want to drive home afterwards.  Her mother told her that she could not do that.  It would be enabling her and she just could not be a part of that.  She had two children she needed to think of instead of only what she wanted.

Needless to say, the daughter was so upset that she has stopped all communications with her mother, even the children cannot talk to or see her.  Being an addict, this is what we do.  Better than anybody else.  We cannot see the forest for the trees.  Laying a guilt trip on her mother just because she would not be a part of her partying.  Never thinking for a moment about what her mother was trying to tell her.  She didn't need to be going off doing who knows what with who knows who.  She had a husband, her children, her home she should be thinking of.  Not thinking of going out to a club by herself just because she was upset with her husband.  She was going to show him.  She could do what she wanted to do.  He was not going to stop her from going out and having a good time.

See, there is that self-centeredness, selfishness, and isolation.  Blaming others for things she was doing.  Not wanting to take responsibility for her actions.  She told her mother that if she didn't come and take her where she wanted to go, then she would find another way to go.  Telling her mother that she will be sorry if something were to happen to her.  There's that guilt trip we addicts play as best we can.  Her husband told her that if she left, she needed to find somewhere else to go instead of coming home.  He had had enough.  This angered her more.  She stewed in her own anger and guilt, feeling as if no one loved her.  No one wanted to be around her.  She was such a bad person.  She couldn't do anything right.  Does any of this sound familiar to you??  Boy, it sure does to me.

I can remember trying to lay a guilt trip on whoever I could as long as I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted to do it and not answer for any of my actions.  How could I be hurting anyone but myself?  How you ask?  People care and love me.  People want to see me happy and successful in life.  They didn't want to see me hurt myself.  But I, nor any addict, can see this.  Not until we have lost everything and everybody that mattered in our lives.  I was fortunate that I went to my family asking for help.  I stood up and answered for the things I had done.  I accepted my part in my self-destructive actions.  Answering for the lies, manipulation, and to some degree the abandonment of my responsibilities in life.

All I could think of was ways and means to get more.  More what you ask, more of whatever would make me stop hurting.  Hurting physically and mentally.  I thank God everyday that He showed me my error in ways.  That He gave me the strength to say "I need help, please."  He has given me the spiritual principle of humility, so that I can ask for help when I need it.  He has given me another chance in life.  And believe you me, I do not take that lightly.  I work, to the best of my ability, my recovery program each and everyday.

My life has changed in ways that I never thought possible.  Just like this blog.  My sister and brothers and my mom will tell you that they never knew that I was such a compassionate person.  That I had the thoughts I have.  That I can write down exactly how I feel, how I think, and what I hope to gain from different experiences that I have.  You see, I finished school with maybe 5th or 6th grade reading level.  Since entering into recovery I am now doing this blog, I read aloud in my 12 step program meetings.  I can even stand up in front of people and read with out much problems.  My vocabulary has increased and I am learning things now at 47 that I could not learn in school.

The only comfort that I have been able to give this mother is that she is not alone.  My mom has had similar experiences with me or others in my family.  I am a by-product of a long line of addicts on both my mom and my dad's side of the family.  Mom and dad both have had dealings with addicts their whole life.  Some of the addicts were their brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins and close friends.

The young lady will have to realize what she is doing to herself and her family before anyone can help her  She has to see that she needs help and will not be able to do this on her own.  I have prayed everyday for her and her family.  I pray for her mother, as she is a friend of my family.  It is very sad when you can see someones self-destructive ways and they can't or at least they will not admit to it..  Yes, this is a sad situation and ever more so knowing what she needs but having no way to make her get help.

I can only carry a message that the saying "Once an addict, always an addict" no longer holds true today.  There are 12 step programs that have and continue to help millions of people everyday.  My recovery is a day at a time process.  I know that my yesterday is gone, my tomorrow is not promised and my day is here and now.  What I choose to do in the span of that day is entirely on me.  If I waste it away, I cannot blame anyone but myself.  If I choose to use this day in a productive way, then I feel I have every right to feel proud of myself.

After reading this, please if you or someone you know are having difficulties this holiday season, encourage them to seek help.  It is out there, all that is required is the willingness on their part to ask for it and then listen and follow simple direction.  We addicts are very complicated people, but our recovery program is very simple, just don't use.  Talk to someone.  Try something different.  You know if you continue to do the same thing over and over again, you are going to continue to get the same results.  Time and time again.  The disease of addiction is just that a disease.  And as  with other diseases, addiction can be arrested and a new life can come from it.  We addicts are not bad people, though we may have done some bad things.  We can and do change.  You can believe this or not.  I have no control over anyone but myself today and that's enough.

I do hope this young lady reads this and maybe it will get her to thinking about what she has done.  Now, for those that read my blog on a regular basis know that I sometimes mix things up a bit.  This is to protect the person or persons that I may be referring to, as well as myself.  There are some things about this story that were added just to protect the person or persons in this situation.  I can only hope that when, if they read this, they realize that it is them and something will click.  Not all addicts get the recovery they need.  Some continue on in active addictions.  Others lose their fight to the disease and die without ever knowing they could have done something different.  Then there are the ones like me, that have found that new way of life, new way of thinking, new way of doing things.  Life gets better when you find recovery.  For me, it has been the best thing, short of giving birth to my daughter, in my life.

I grew up in an addictive home.  Things were stacked against me from day one.  I did not give in to active addiction until I was in my 30's.  But that is my story.  Lots of addicts start using well before they are even teenagers.  We all have to learn how to live.  Get clarity on the principles in life and apply them to ourselves on a daily basis.  That is key.  We must first admit that we have a problem.  Then and only then can recovery become possible.

As  always, thank you for your time and your support.  Please don't forget the resource page for those who are looking for help for yourself or someone you love.

I Know You Are There, Watching, Waiting...

I know that you are there.  Watching and waiting.  Hoping that I will leave just a small opening.  A small ray of light so that you can try to creep your way back in.  NOT TODAY!!!  Not any day as long as I stay steadfast in my program.  As long as I remember that you are there watching and waiting for me to slip in some way or another.

I locked you away 3 years ago today.  I hid the key to the chest that I placed you in.  I know that you are there.  If I should faultier one way or another, you will do your best to try to escape.  I can not and will not allow that to happen.  I must stay vigilante   My recovery must come first.  I must always remember where it is that I came from.  Where it was and what it was like, those places you took me too.

You acted as my friend.  You pretended to like me.  To love me.  To understand me.  But that is not what you wanted at all.  You want to control me.  Kill me.  Slowly and with propose   You are designed to fool me.  Make me think you are friend when really you are foe. You try tempting me, seducing me, lying to me just so you can kill me.

I know your game.  I know what it is that you really want.  You will not get it today.  Today, I can say "NO" to you with a clear conscience.  Today is my day.  Today is the day that I took from you.  I stopped you slowly, but stopped just the same.  There are others like me.  Yes, there are others like you too, but we know you are there.  And that is how we stand against you.  Together, united, I can't but "WE" can.

You see, ADDICTION, this is what you were hoping would never happen.  3 years ago, I had enough of you.  I didn't know that it was you at first, but as my mind cleared and I started to return to me, I saw you clearly.  I realized what you had done to me.  I had no one to blame but myself and I was the only one that could stop you.  I had to have help.  Not knowing at the time that I was learning to trust in a life line like no other.

I began to work on me, for me, with others helping me.  They told me that I would not be able to do it all by myself.  That I would need help from time to time.  They taught me tools to use against you.  How to be brave and humble myself and ask for help against you.  They knew the things you would try to turn me back to you again.  You did that once.  I did not have all the tools that I have today.  Tools that I carry with me everywhere I go.  So day or night, I am prepared to fight you.  And I am not alone.  There are others that will stand by me to fight you.

Others that you tried so very hard to turn me against.  Others that you took from me one by one.  Others that have enough courage for me and them.  Others that say you can not have this one back.  She no longer belongs to you.  She is her own person.

Yes, 3 years ago I placed you in a chest, with a lock and after I locked you away, I put the key up.  I placed the chest on a shelf in my mind.  On a shelf that I can see clearly, so that maybe, just maybe, I will see if you should try to break free.  On a shelf that I can see to remind me of the footwork that must be done daily in order to keep you locked away.  On a shelf that I can see and that God can also see.  For I know that God is on my side.  He has helped me come this far.

Addiction, you are not going to spoil today.  I will not let you out today.  I know just how much you want to be free to play, manipulate, and destroy my life.  Not today.  No, just for today, you will not be set free.  Today is my day.  My time to say 'yes, I am clean but it takes work, time'.  My time to be proud of myself, just a little bit.  Addiction, you have no place in my body, mind, or soul today.  Addiction, you must stay in your chest, on that shelf locked away just for today.

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised so I live JUST FOR TODAY!  Today is all I have and all that I have to deal with.

No, you will not be set free today.  Today is for me!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to All...

Showing gratitude, for me, is a very important part of who I am and a huge part of my recovery.  Without the program, that I am actively working, on a daily basis, I would probably be dead by now.  My process is mine and no one else.  I can't work your program for you, as you can't work mine for me.  So, how does my gratitude show in my program lots of time without spoken words?  Mainly, It shows by my actively working a program.  I do and have done, for 3 years, what has been suggested to me by others.  By giving back what has been so freely given to me, shows my gratitude in the life I live today.

Now, my process, like others, has not always been easy.  With the health issues that I have, there are times that the only gratitude I can find for that day is that God woke me up and I am clean!!  Those days are few and far between today.  I will do my best to share my gratitude with you, hope I don't skip something or leave someone out.  If I do just know that I do not take you for granted by any  means, I am filled to overflowing with gratitude as I write this.

My Gratitude List for Thanksgiving 2012  - (in no particular order, just randomly listed)

1)  Now this is not what you expected to hear first out of the gate but I am grateful to my disease.  Yes, that's right, to my disease.  I now know what has been wrong with me and have tools to fight it.  I am not a bad person.  I have an incurable, progressive and fatal disease, if not arrested.  I am not responsible for having this disease, but I am responsible for my recovery.  As long as I continue to do the footwork in my recovery, the more I will grow and become stronger than my disease.  My disease is addiction.  It is very powerful.  You ask 'What are you addicted to?' and my answer is 'More'.  It is really as plain and simple as that.  More shopping, more food, more piercing, more, more, more!  Addiction is not about the drugs.  It is about the obsessive and compulsion for MORE!  Today, I know what is going on in my head and my life and I have been given ways and means to keep my disease arrested and at bay.  But I must work at it each and everyday for the rest of my life!  And I'm okay with that...

2)  To god, for whom I give all the credit  for my being.  With God in my life, anything is possible.  Putting Him first and foremost on a daily basis.

3)  My family.  Mom, dad, brothers and my sister who have, in their own way, given me support throughout my recovery.  I am extremely lucky, in that most have no family, let alone their whole family, for support.

4)   To my daughter, who has such a big heart and 'ole' soul.  She has allowed me to show her that I am true to my word, that she can count on me and my integrity and she has forgiven me when I didn't deserve to be forgiven.  She is, truly, my pride and joy!  I am elated by each day she accomplishes meaning in her life and in others.  She has allowed me to grow in my own process.

5)  To the program that I am involved in and work, applying to my life on a daily basis.  I know myself better everyday and I try to continue to grow as I move along in my process.  I am not where I want to be, but I am where I should be at this point.

6)  To my predecessors of the program, without them and their sacrifices I would not have the program that is available to me today.  They have worked and sacrificed to provide me with the ways and means and the tools of my program and the program itself.

7)  To my fellow addicts, worldwide, not just here at home.  The many people I have had the pleasure in meeting and getting to know.  Able to hear their story and apply what I can to my life.  I love and have much respect for them all.  I am open toward them and their suggests as well as sharing my experience with them.  That someone may come to understand this disease of addiction just a little better than they did.

Life can be extremely hard sometimes, but I must remember from where it is I came.  I must never forget the pain I felt that lead me to people that can and are helping me.  I am not alone.  There are others just like me as far as the disease of addiction goes.

In a nutshell, I am grateful in all aspects of my life.  Today, I enjoy being me.  I love myself and that is a very important thing in addiction.  Being able to truly love myself for who I am.  This time of year does really hit home for me.  Giving thanks to others, myself and the growth that God has allowed in my life.

I will never be able to express that depth of my gratitude!  So very thankful that 3 years later, I do matter, my thoughts and ideas are important and my recovery process is growing stronger everyday.  To know that no matter how small or unimportant something may seem to one, it may be huge for another.  God is so very, very good!!

If you or someone you love is struggling with this deadly disease, please use the resources listed on the attached page.  If you feel the need to talk to someone, you are more than welcome to leave me a comment and you may do it anonymously if you would like.  Feel free to look back at older post, who knows what you may find that is helpful.

This blog is for anyone who wants it.  I do this as part of my way to give back, even if just a small amount of the freedom and love that has been given to me.  I have learned that I have to give what I have or I will lose it.  Recovery is much too valuable to me to even think I would somehow lose it.  I love me and I love you!  You do matter, you are important!

Thank you for your continued support and Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Being Thankful...

Well, it's November once again.  A month that we honor those that have and are still serving this country of ours.  It is also the anniversary for the Marine Corp.  Where we celebrate and give thanks.  And this is the month  that I entered into recovery.

I would like to start off saying "I appreciate all that those in our armed forces have done for me over the years and will continue to do in years to come.  You have, knowing or unknowingly, provided a safe and protected place for me to live without fear.  A place where I can live, raise my family and enjoy my life from day to day.  You go above and beyond the call of duty and I don't ever want to just take that for granted.   I am able to live in a country that is free from a lot of horrors of other countries.  I can go to bed at night and get a restful sleep without being afraid for my life or my families lives."  Many have died for this country and I am forever grateful to them and their families.  There are those that have lost parts of themselves while serving this Nation of ours.  Some are disabled for life, mentally and physically   Others have lost arms and/or legs.  Unfortunately, they will never get those things back.  They have braved all elements that Mother Nature has to offer.  They are there, ready, waiting, to do what is necessary, to continue to defend America so that we all may sleep in peace when they do not.

I say "Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I appreciate each and everyone of you.  You all are in my prayers every night that God will watch over you and your families.  God bless you and thank you again."

Next I would like to say "Congratulation to the Marine Corp'.  What a military force you are, have been and will continue to be.  I have always heard it said 'once a marine always a marine'.  That is a statement that I feel is true.  They show TV ads that state 'the few, the proud, the Marines.'  You are to be commended on the honor you carry during and after your service to this country.  I truly appreciate the sacrifices that all of our armed forces have made over the years, the ones you continue to make today and those that will carry on in years to come.

And for myself, my life changed on November 23, 2009.  It has not been a easy road but it has been one that I can and do travel everyday.  My journey during this process has been unbelievable   I have been given back so much in my life and gained more to go along with those treasures.  I can only say that by the grace of God I am still alive.  Only by the grace and mercy from God that I have been given blessing after blessing in this process called recovery.  This blog is only possible due to the changes God has made in me and my life and the support of so many people, family, friends and folks I have no idea who you are, but I thank you all.

Overwhelmed, I ask that if you can, please continue to pray and support me and my recovery.  Help me to know what God's will is for me each day and pray I am able to carry His will out.  Again, this is a process and I will always be in recovery.  Addiction is a disease that is incurable and fatal.  I will never be rid of it, I can only arrest it and live the way I know God wants me to.  If you or someone you know and love has a problem or just feels like there may be a problem, please check out my resource page as there are many places for support and treatment.  Everyone that wants recovery has the right to have recovery.

Doing this blog is just one more way that I try to give back what has been given to me.  A life without the use of drugs.  Man, what a wonderful thing this is.  I have never been happier in all my life.  I still have issues that need to be resolved and/or worked out, but today I am not afraid to face life on it's own terms.  I am proof that the old saying 'once an addict always an addict' is no longer true today.  There is a choice we can make, but we have to make it.  No one can make it for us.  We have lost jobs, homes, children, material things, family and on and on.  But the most wonderful thing about it all is that we can get some of these things back.  Not all at once, but little by little.  We have to do the footwork to reap the rewards that recovery has to offer.

Today, I am an active member of society.  I do count, matter, and mean something to someone.  During my process I have been told 'you're just too honest', maybe I am.  That is a decision that I made when I started my process of recovery at a treatment facility.  Too honest, well sorry but there is no need for me to lie or even sugar coal the truth just so someone can handle it better.  I say what is on my mind.  Now mind you , I do not set out to hurt anyone by being honest.  Don't think for a minute that I am 'cured'.  No such thing with addiction.  Relapse is part of recovery.  Not that everyone will relapse, but in that, it is always a possibility for relapse to happen.  For me I have to continue the footwork I have learned, do the right thing and continue to grow and reach for newer heights.

Again, thanks to those of you that read my blog.  This is one of the best treatment acts I can do for this gets me out of my own head and into these post and what you may want to know about next.  This blog helps to keep me motivated in my recovery.  Comments are welcomed, good, bad or indifferent.  Thank you and I love you all.

It's Over, Now What??

**Please understand that the following are completely my thoughts and experiences.**

I have been raised and have lived in a Christian home all my life.  I was brought up in the church.  Unfortunately I can't and will not quote scriptures in this post.  Reason is I must admit that I am not a person who can go straight to what I would need to support my feelings, thoughts and experiences.  I understand and need you to understand while reading this that I am not a very religious person but I am very spiritual.  Understanding that not all will agree with what is to follow, but have faith that "ALL" can understand where it is coming from.  If you find this offensive, no one is forcing you to read it.  Should you be on a list that receives this when new posts are added and do not agree and do not want to receive notifications in the future, please email me and I will remove you from future notices.  Now, all that being said, this is where I am at today...

I humbly believe that God is in control of all things of this world.  I do believe in a Heaven and Hell, God and Satan, good and evil.  I believe that God allows me to make choices and from those choices I must accept the consequences those decisions may have.  I must, as a Christian, allow others to have their own opinions, choices and consequences.  It is not my place, nor anyone's place, to pass judgement on each other, that is for God to do and only Him.  It is not my place to point out the wrongs in someone else's life.  I can only do that to myself.  Just because I do not believe or agree with someone does not mean that I am wrong or they are right.  I also feel when someone does not believe or agree with me, that does not make them wrong or me right.

Events happen that are beyond anyone's control except for God.  I firmly believe that things happen the way they should and they happen for a reason.  It could be because of the choices each one makes and/or by God's divine wisdom.  I feel it is not my place to ask why, but to ask how can I accept this and live my life in accordance with the teaching from God himself.  I have to, as we all should, hold myself accountable for the actions/choices I make.  As I feel that others should do the same.  I completely believe in  the teaching "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  That I must be humble, teachable and open-minded.  I must be able to adapt to changes in my life and the world as they happen and the effect they may have on me.

So, I believe today, in the midst of the election and the results, that God is still in control as He has always been.  I must not falter from my belief nor my teachings of what God's plan is.  I must look at the events and figure out how I can and will continue to praise His name even in the midst of an unsure future.  How I am to continue to try my best to be that example He makes of me so others will have the courage needed to believe His word.  No matter how hard life, events, situations may become, I must never deny Him.  I will not deny Him and His word.

Understanding that God does have a plan and that He is and always will be in control.  The Bible itself, teaches and tells me of what is to be.  I don't have to like it but I do have to accept it in order to walk with Him. God does not promised that it will be easy, if anything He does tell me that hard times are to come.  Life will be extremely difficult, but as long as I do not deny Him and ask Him to remain in my life and guide me, God will be by my side.

Through a lot of the experiences that I have had in my life, I know this to be true:  God is always there.  It is I who turned my back on Him and what I had been taught growing up.  God was there, had this not been the case, I would be dead!!  He has a plan, though I don't know what it is, there is one for me.

Today, I know if I am making the right decisions for myself.  How?  Because I know that today I, once again, walk beside Him.  He guides my life.  I know my path will take me to where I am suppose to go as long as I allow Him in my life.  I feel in my gut when things are right or they are wrong.  I know that my road will not be an easy one to travel, how?  Because His word, the Bible, tells me this.

Satan is strong in this world today.  He comes at me from all directions and when I least expect it.  He shows up in different ways to try to do harm to me.  Trying to get me to live for him and not God.  Satan will make things seem so nice, easy, and delightful.  He will do whatever he can to get me to turn my back on God once again.  Because I am a Christian, I feel that there are more trials and obstacles in my life because Satan is doing what he does.  I have to be mindful of this and do, act, choose what God will have me do.

So, to sum this all up, God has a plan that He is in control of and the Bible explains it, though I may not understand completely, it is there.  The Bible tells me that my days will get harder and harder because I am a child of God.  I will have to face trials and will be put in positions as to have to choose God or what I am being told to believe.  I will be ask to deny God, that if He were so loving and powerful why does He allow His people to suffer?  And in these times, I must stand strong and not falter from my beliefs.  No matter what may happen, I will never choose Satan.

I know God has a plan and He is working on it now.  He has made promises that He will keep.  These times, I feel, are just the signs of things to come.  The Bible clearly tells of what life, as a Christian, will eventually be like.  How we, as Christians, will be dealt with or treated.  God promises me an eternal life as long as I believe in Him, praise He and live my life according to His will for me.  Yes, I may die just because I am a Christian and have the beliefs that I do, but that's okay.  I understand what it is going to be like for someone such as myself as a Christian.

Today, I have peace in my heart and my soul.  The world is in an uproar.  People hating people because of events that took place last evening.  This election has brought with it a lot of friction among people.  There were things that were voted on and passed that I cannot understand if God was present in all who claim to be a child of God.  There were issues that were voted on and passed that the Bible itself says is wrong in the eyes of God.  Again, this is what I think and feel and my experiences.

If you take what I have posted personal, sorry, none of this is directed to anyone or any group of people.  It is, as I have stated, my thoughts and feelings over the events from the past few days.  I don't believe in same sex marriages, but if that is your thing that's on you.  You are responsible and accountable, as we all are, for our actions and decisions.  I don't believe in legalizing pot.  Yes, being a recovering addict, I know the effects from this drug.  I also understand that argument that it is grown from a seed and not man made.  That does not say that it is okay to use just because it is grown from a seed, God given, and not man made.  I believe that a women should have a say as to what happens to her body under certain circumstances, but I do not agree with women that have abortions just because......whatever reason.  I do feel that there are times, rarely, but times when an abortion should be done, but not 'just because'.

I do not agree with the outcome of the Presidential election.  I just cannot stop the thoughts that the President of these United States allowed fellow Americans to be killed and then denied having any knowledge of their request for help, so the media tells me.  I do not understand Americans being very disrespectful to our President for whatever reason.  No, he may not be your choice, but he is and was the majority of America's choice.  I must come to terms with this decision and figure out how I will live with it.  I have to realize that decisions have been made and I must continue to live my life in accordance to the Bible and God.  I must accept that there are people that I know that are happy with the way the election turned out.  I cannot and will not judge anyone on their choices.  It is not my place to pass judgement as I stated earlier.

Though I may disagree on many things everyday, I must continue to move forward.  I must accept things the way they are and know that God "IS" in control.  He has a plan and appears to have set it in motion.

I would like to say "Thank you" for your support of this blog.  Please understand where this post comes from.  I know that there will be pain and suffering here, as well as rewards so to speak in Heaven.  It is up to me as to which I prefer, pain and suffering or the rewards in Heaven.?  We all have this choice.  When you come away from this page, please remember friend, family or other, I am only responsible for myself and my own actions.  Today I must understand and accept things as they happen and do the best that I can to ensure that my relationship with God is not tarnished.  I love and respect you all and appreciate the time you take out of your busy life to read and hopefully comment on this blog and the subject materials.

May God bless each of us.  May He guide us on the path we have each chosen and allow us to grow from it.  God bless America and the people that live within her borders.  :Lord, I humbly ask that you touch peoples hearts and allow us all to see our part and not someone else's.  Lord, please allow us, as a nation, to be strong and steadfast in what we believe.  Give us all strength as we all learn to live in peace and harmony with each other, understanding that we all have the right to our own opinion.

I will close with this, times ahead may be tough, at times seem unbearable, but I do know and find comfort in the fact that God has me and He and only He will protect and defend me.  Yes, I am a Christian and I have no ill feelings toward anyone just because they don't think, act, or feel like me.  I am okay with me today and that's all that really matters in the end.  Just sayin...

Telling It Like It Is...

There will be things and people that I will never understand, I think.  Okay, when I say that I want your comments, well I really do, especially on this post.  You see I am in recovery and I understand that there are times when my thinking is not clear or on the right track.  So, this is why I am putting this out there, maybe, hopefully, someone will have some sound advice to give.

Here's the thing, over the past few months (and I put everything as if it happened to me) I have been told that I am judgemental, prejudiced, closed minded and things of that nature.  I don't understand!  Now I know I still have some walls up.  Those are there to protect myself from those that may want to do me harm, mentally and physically.  Everyone in my life and people that I have just met or will meet in the future will not just automatically get close to me at first.  I have to really get to know someone very well before they will ever get over a wall or two with me.  This is a defect of character, I know and am working on that.  Still there has to be a limit as to how close you first let someone in.

Being called judgemental and prejudiced are two things I have NEVER seen in myself.  Do you see it?  Please tell me how you see these two defects in me.

No, I do not agree with men wearing their pants down around their rears.  I don't agree with this sticking out your tongue in every single photo of yourself.  I don't agree with the idea that you sleep with someone whether you know them or not.  No I don't agree with people cursing like sailors and then explaining it as 'the street part of you'.  There are probably more than this but you get the picture.

Just because I don't think you should wear your pants so very low, that is your choice.  The way you portray yourself in photos is your choice.  I am very old fashion when it come to relationships.  It may not seem that way at times but trust me, I am not someone who just does it to be doing it.  Never have had that way of thinking.  And no, I in no way agree with 'cursing like a sailor' from anyone especially someone in recovery.  Yes, I understand that is the way of 'the streets , but your not in the streets any more, you are SUPPOSE to be in recovery.  And there again, I know that I can only work my recovery and no one else's.

In my process of recovery, I have learned that I am not the same person I was when I was using.  So it only seems that if you are 'no longer' that addict in 'active addiction', you should act as though you aren't.  I had no respect for myself or others when I was using but I'm NOT USING, so it only seems to me that I should 'not' be doing the other things I was in active addiction, if I have stopped USING.

Any addict in recovery and truly wanting recovery, in my opinion only, should not be engaging in any activity that you were doing in your using. Now, I understand that not everyone can stop all things they were involved in when using.  But you still should not have that drug mind set lifestyle. The way we present ourselves as 'recovering addicts' means more than just saying those words.  We, wait, I cannot be a good example to that person in active addiction if I continue to 'live the lifestyle'!  In recovery you have a different walk and a different talk.

As far as me being prejudiced, are you serious?  Anyone at all that knows me knows that there is not a prejudiced bone in my body, none.  I have friends of all race, religion and backgrounds.  I am the type person that as long as you are honest and true to me, I am the same to you.  Do my very best to live by a simple rule "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  It is my experience, that there are very few folks that live by this today.  They are out for themselves, doesn't matter how it may hurt or affect someone else.
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And finally, I saw a video on the internet that showed a young man that was just jailed in a prison and the guards were telling him he would never be able to be anything but a drug addict.  Excuse me!  I understand the 'scare straight' techniques, but it just broke my heart and made me so angry at the same time.  People need to know that someone that has a drug addiction does not necessarily mean that you will not 'amount to anything'.  This is why I do this blog, just trying to educate one person that there is a better way, you do not have to use drugs.  You can stop and become a productive member of society.  We addicts, will always be addicts, it is a disease that has no cure but it can be arrested.

As I stated at the first of this post, please leave your comments.  I would really love to know if there are others out there that feel the same.  If you don't feel the same, I would love to know why, please explain your viewpoint.  No, not all addicts get clean and learn to live life without the use of drugs.  People are not going to stop being prejudiced.  Folks are still going to think their way is the correct way no matter what anyone may say.

In a nutshell, I believe in being myself.  Sorry if that is not 'politically correct'.  People that know me know that I have no worries in not being 'politically correct'.  I feel that I try to follow my heart and do what I feel God wants me to do.  Yes, I am a Christian as well as being a recovering addict.  Life does not have to stop just because of an addiction or some other type of  limitation.  Everyone has the right to their own life and the way they want to live as long as it does not harm others.  Do the next right thing for the right reason.  I am bull headed at times, will not listen to reason, and at times I go head strong into something that I truly believe in and nothing anyone can say or do can change my mind.  I will not be bullied.  Things that I believe in or against will be things that I will make my stand for or against.  I am a person that takes my public and private positions seriously.  Again, sorry if that is not 'politically correct'.  Being my own person is very important to me.  Hope that I didn't step on too many toes in this but y'all know me, telling it like it is...

Addiction, A Mental Disorder?

Those of you that read my blog on a regular basis, thank you so much, you know, I hope, that I try to do some type research on each topic that my posts are about.  This one is no different.  Please remember that I am writing as if all were my experiences.  Some are and some are not.  In recovery, I have learned that the only person I can control and get recovery for is me.  No one else can do it for me, as I can not do it for anyone else.

There have been posts and in 'About Me', where I have tried to briefly explain my health issues.  Physically and mentally.  Having done more, I think, on my physical.  I want to explore the subject of mental disorders and drug abuse.  How they tie in together, if so how, why?  I in no way am trying to 'counsel' someone or do I feel the need to give advice as to handle some one's mental stance.  I am not handing out 'free advice', just want to explore the subject of mental disorders and drug abuse.

Let me start by saying that 'all facts' are public record and can be used to raise awareness, without written permission to use and reprint.  It all can be pulled up on the Internet.

So, with that, I would like to look and explore mental disorders and drug abuse.  Is there a connection between the two, mental disorders and drug abuse?  Does drug abuse cause mental disorders?  Does treatment of mental disorders lead to drug abuse?  What are some of the common mental disorders associated with drug abuse?

Drug abuse 'IS' a mental disorder in and of itself.  The obsessive-compulsive desire that pushes to more use or the need felt to 'get one more hit'.  Lets look at the mental disorders, their definition and just how many people suffer from each disorder along with their drug abuse.  Again, these are facts that are published publicly and have no copyrights to obtain for their use to educate and raise awareness.

Many chronic drug abusers often also suffer from a serious mental disorder.  These addicts may be referred to as co-occurring or dual diagnosis.  Chronic drug abuse is the habitual abuse of licit and /or illicit drugs to the extent that the abuser substantially injures a person's health or substantially interferes with their social and/or economic functions.  Lost the power of self-control over the use of drugs.

Mental disorders common among chronic drug abuser's are schizophrenic, bipolar, and anxiety disorders (PTSD, ADHD, panic, etc.)  Schizophrenic, also called dementia praecox.  This is a severe mental disorder that affect 2.4 million chronic drug abusers.  This characterized by, but not all, emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, delusions and hallucinations.  Bipolar is characterized by periods of manic alternating with periods of depression.   This disorders affects approximately 5.7 million chronic drug abusers.  Someone who suffers from being bipolar also has interspersed with relatively long intervals of normal mood.  The anxiety disorders makeup approximately 40 million chronic drug abusers.

People who are treated for mental disorders are at an increased risk of becoming a chronic drug abuser.  The same can be said about the chronic drug abuser, that are at an increased risk of developing some type of mental disorder in addition to the drug abuse.  Partly because drug abuse is a mental disorder in itself.  Chronic drug abuse and serious mental disorders may exist completely independently of one another.  They can be treated.  Researchers are looking for the most effective way to treat chronic drug abuse with mental disorders and if treating them together at the same time will lead to better recovery.  At  present they are mainly treated separately.  Many are sent back and forth from drug abuse and mental health settings.

One reason to touch on this subject is because I, myself, suffer from mental disorders.  PTSD (post-traumatic Stress Disorder) and generalized anxiety.  PTSD can occur after having seen or experienced a traumatic event that has involved the threat of injury or death.  Generalized anxiety is having an apprehension not linked to a specific cause or situation.  My experience is that PTSD and anxiety are like my drug addiction, I can be treated for them but I can never be cured from them.

My mental disorders stem from events in my life growing up and events that took place during my second marriage.  I have been held at gunpoint with no way out.  Trapped.  God is good, for He saved me and has allowed me the ability to share my experiences with others, here in this blog and in my personal life as well.  It takes time to work through events and situations to try to understand what and why somethings happened. What was my part in those situations and how I can learn or be taught how to deal with the mental disorders when they flare up.  I have learned 'tools' to use when I find myself experiencing some of the signs of my mental disorders including my addiction.

At times I can be on top of my addiction and disorders and can see the behaviors start that are connected to my disorders.  Unfortunately, there are times that I have no warning signs at all and am thrown into 'crazy mode', as I call it.  Luckily, my family and close friends understand my mental health issues and they are there to help me through the difficult times.  I, still to this day, have to work at keeping my addiction arrested and to cope with the mental disorders.  As researchers are trying to find ways and means to deal with the drug addiction and mental disorders separately and together, I must do my best to keep them arrested for now.  That is not always an easy task, but we all have to do the best that we can on a daily basis and try to learn from others and our own mistakes.

The credit must be given where credit is due.  The treatment facility that helped me detox and taught me how to work on myself and my addiction.  Also, the facility that I attended on an out-patient status after coming home from the drug treatment facility.  They have taught me many tools to work with for my addiction and mental disorders.  To my family, who have been by my side since day one of this new life of mine.  And to the people that are part of my 12 step program, without those people and most of all my sponsor,I know I would not have made it this far in my recovery.  And let me not forget all the folks out there that are supporting this blog.  You make it so that I want to continue to share awareness and information for anyone needing it.

As always, "Thank You" for your time and any comments you may want to leave.  If you would like to start receiving my blog when new posts are added, please register as a member or fill out the email info at the bottom.  Don't forget the Resource page as there are lots of information there for those that are searching for help for themselves and/or loved ones.

Thank you again, I truly love and appreciate each of you for your continuing support.  God bless  you all....

What Do I Do Now???

Addicts, or people in general, all have "defects of character" that I was referring to in my last post.  Acting out on those defects can and do hurt people, our loved ones, friends, family, and anyone and everyone that we come into contact with when acting out on our defects.  As I stated 'everyone' not just addicts act out from time to time on their defects.

In active addiction, we or I, sorry had to keep it on me, didn't care who I hurt.  I really could not see that I was hurting anyone including myself.  Didn't realize that I was leaving a very destructive path behind me as a result of acting out.  And we all have destruction in our lives that we have created because of our defects and acting out on them.  It is said that 'if the people that needed a program were in the program, then there would not be enough space for them all.  As addicts, working a program, we have a tendency to look at others faults and not our own.  Again, not just addicts have these defects of character, everyone does. One more important thing, we all need to stop and think about our actions, our words and the reasoning behind what we do or say to others or about others.

"I'm not hurting anyone by using."  This statement is said more times by people in active addiction and people that live a destructive life or life style.  What do we do about the harm we have caused to ourselves and others?  We sit down, as we are in recovery now, and list everyone and anyone we have harmed.  No matter how we harmed them, we put them on the list.  We put ourselves on that list also.

"I haven't done harm to myself.  That's crazy!"  Is it crazy?  Look at what you have put yourself through just to keep your using a secret.  As addicts we lie, cheat, steal, manipulate people and situations to our advantage if we can.  We need, in order to grow and continue moving forward in our recovery process, to know what we did and to whom we did it.  Why we did what we did and how to try to amend that wrong and make things right with that person or business.

Yes, you read that correctly, we have to make amends to those who we have harmed in order to go forward as long as we can do our amends with out causing more destruction, without hurting others or ourselves more.  Some of the people or places we list to make amends to may be persons no longer with us.  They have passed on, businesses have shut down.  We cannot dwell on these amends or beat ourselves up over them.  We need to try and ask forgiveness and do our best not to act out again causing more harm, adding to that list.

Addressing making amends and ridding yourself from resentments are necessary to move forward.  Recovery has shown me, in my process, how to make amends, who to make verbal amends to, who to make living amends to (living amends is living with a correction in my attitude and life) and to whom I may have thought I needed to make an amend, but after discussion with my sponsor, going over events, there were some that I didn't need to make amends to.  These were actually resentments that I had and I have to work through those resentments.

In my process, I have had to make some amends.  Everyone has them.  I just need to discuss with my sponsor as to who and for what you need to amend.  As I go further in my recovery, I have had to make verbal amends to some people.  Verbal amends are when you actually tell the person face to face, one on one that you are sorry for whatever you did or said and how you plan to stand by this amend in order for it not to happen again.

So, I not only have to know what exactly I am making amends for but what my plan will be to ensure the event or same situation does not happen again with that person or someone else.  As I said I have to know the exact nature of my wrongs.  And I cannot just say "I'm sorry."  No, I have to apologize for exactly what it was I did wrong to the person or persons.  How I plan to change to help prevent it from happening again.

Some amends, as you will learn, are made just by the way you live your life today, the way I live my life today.  These are 'living amends'.  I don't physically go to the person I have harmed and make my amends, I make a 'living amends' by doing exactly what it says:  LIVING.  Changing the way I live and what it is I am living for.  In addiction , you live for the drug and/or the lifestyle.  In recovery, I live to stay clean.  I live to give what has so freely been given to me.  I live so that others may live also.  I live to help show that addicts can recover, change, and find a way of life.

Working through my resentments can be hard.  Resentment means bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.  I have to understand what it is or who it is that I have a resentment toward and for what.  Why do I have resentments, sometimes filled with anger?  Again, everyone has them at some point in their lives.  When I work on a resentment, I try to understand what the feelings are behind these resentments and hopefully will uncover the main reason I have each resentment.

Talking with my sponsor and working the 12 step program like it has been suggested to me to do.  I mean, I try my very best to apply what others in recovery suggest I do.  My life has changed a great deal over the past, almost, 3 years.  I am not the same as I was when I had that last 'night'.  Not the same as when I walked into treatment, when I walked out of treatment and I am not the same each time I go and come from my 12 step program.  I am proud of the person I am becoming.  I am proud that I am able to help others that may not be able to help themselves.  When I have feelings, I need to feel them, but also try to understand why I feel the way I do.

Because of my program and the forward progress that I have made, it is very hard sometimes to practice the spiritual principles in all affairs.  Again, we all have defects!  Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it before you say it to anyone.  I have to play 'the tape' all the way to the end.  Life on lifes terms are at times hard for people. I  have to understand that my actions, words, and so on affects others.  If I want people to treat me the way I want to be treated, then I must treat them the way they want to be treated.

I cannot work anyone's recovery but my own.  I work it on a day to day basis.  I have a network of women that I call from time to time for their experience, strength and hope.  They are all always very helpful in their suggestions.  If I don't follow the suggestions given to me, my whole world will be in chaos day and night.

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