Self-centered vs. Selfishness

Self-centeredness is said to be the core of the disease of addiction.  Never thinking that what we are doing is affecting anyone else.  We only are thinking of one thing,  ways and means to get more.  We run scenarios in our minds of how to do this and what will happen here.  The wheels in our minds never stop turning.  Day in and day out.  We continue to do the same thing looking for different results, knowing that is not going to happen.


When we enter recovery, we learn to be selfish.  Doing what is best for us from the choices we have or are given.  We have to do what is in our best interest and do what will protect us the best.  


Some people think that being self-centered and being selfish are the same but they are not.  I feel that there is a fine line of difference in them.  If I am self-centered then I only care about what I am doing and have no concern for others.  Being selfish, I want to do what is best for me but it is a conscious decision.


There are times, still, even in recovery, self-centeredness tries to creep in.  I have to be mindful of what I am doing and how it is going to affect others at all times.  When I am mindful as to the results of my decisions then I can be selfish.  Others know that I am aware of my selfishness and for the most part understand that I am choosing that for my protection or growth or both.  


In my recovery I must do what is the best for me and my recovery.  I can't worry about what it may do to someone else.  Just for me to be aware of what others may have to go through because of my choice is enough and hopefully if I ever have to make the same choice again, I can do it without the selfishness behind it.


That's the thing about recovery, you have choices.  When using you have no choices.  You can't choose not to use because your addiction will find you and get you when you are not looking.  It is a very cunning disease and baffling.  You may say to yourself "I'm not going to use today."  Well, your disease says "We'll just see about that!"  And then next thing you know you have gone and gotten money from somewhere and been by the dope man's house and are at home using, at no choose of your own.


Please don't anyone  take this the wrong way, I am not proud of the things I did or who I had become in active addiction.  But I have to be able to say "yes I did that" and take responsibility for my part.  I have to own what I did and I do.  I make no excuses, there are none.  I only offer an explanation that I suffer from the disease of addiction and am in recovery now.  For those that I did wrong, I try to mend what I did or live  today in such a way that they can see the change in me and that is the only amends I can make.  For others, I  can take responsibility for my part and own it and ask for forgiveness.  It is up to that person to forgive me or not.  After I have taken responsibility and owned it, that is all I have to do. The rest, if I am forgiven or not, is on the person I make my amends to.


Everyday in recovery is not a fun day.  You still have times when using comes across your mind.  You DO NOT have to entertain those thoughts.  They will pass.  There will be fewer and fewer times that you think of using.  Eventually, with the help of God, you can lose the desire to use.  You will have dreams that you used, are using, or trying to use.  Those are called "using dreams", no surprise there.  They will also get few and far between.  


You will have triggers.  These are things that you see, hear or can touch that make you think about using.  Those, too, will pass.  You will get to the point where most of these things will not phase you as far as using goes.  You start having more good days than bad.  There will be more and more people you can count on to help  you when you need it, especially in a 12 step program.  Why?  All those folks have been where you are and can share their experience with you.  If someone can tell you how they got through to the other side of things, then you don't have to go through it or at least won't have to go through it alone and with no idea of what is going to happen.  As in all things, once you get to the other side of issues, good, bad or indifferent, you are always going to be stronger for when something else comes down the pipe.


I so hope that at least one person gets something that will help them to the road of recovery or will help them on the journey they have already started on.  It can be confusing.  You don't have to understand everything when  you first start.  Just try not to use for today.  That is all you have.  We are not promised tomorrow and   yesterday is gone.  There is nothing that can be done about yesterday except to see it for what it was and learn if there is a lesson there to learn.  Then leave it where it belongs, in the past.  Yes, we need to concentrate on today and only today.  We have to make it through today before tomorrow can come.


If you do, or are involved with, a 12 step program, you will have as much or as little support as you want.  There is no way in the world that I would have made it this far had it not been for the support system that I have.  There are women in my life today that are so true and real it is sometimes unbelievable.  There is always someone that can help, teach much needed lessons or be that tough love person that you need from time to time.  That person that under no circumstances will not hold back.  They will tell you how it is, like it or not.  And you need "tough love" persons in your life.  You will learn who and what type people are best for you to have in your support system.  They all have to be people that you trust beyond anything else.  You trust them with your life, literally.

Again, I would like to say a very heart felt "thank you" to all the supporters that I have in posting this blog.  There are so many of you that cannot leave a comment due to your anonymity, I know you are out there and I so appreciate each and everyone that supports me in this path that I am leading now.  If you want to comment or leave any kind of comment please feel free to do so and for those who can't leave their names, send a short email.  I am an addict and yes, I still need to hear good, bad or indifferent.

Just sayin......