Self-centeredness is said to be the core of the disease of addiction. Never thinking that what we are doing is affecting anyone else. We only are thinking of one thing, ways and means to get more. We run scenarios in our minds of how to do this and what will happen here. The wheels in our minds never stop turning. Day in and day out. We continue to do the same thing looking for different results, knowing that is not going to happen.
When we enter recovery, we learn to be selfish. Doing what is best for us from the choices we have or are given. We have to do what is in our best interest and do what will protect us the best.
Some people think that being self-centered and being selfish are the same but they are not. I feel that there is a fine line of difference in them. If I am self-centered then I only care about what I am doing and have no concern for others. Being selfish, I want to do what is best for me but it is a conscious decision.
There are times, still, even in recovery, self-centeredness tries to creep in. I have to be mindful of what I am doing and how it is going to affect others at all times. When I am mindful as to the results of my decisions then I can be selfish. Others know that I am aware of my selfishness and for the most part understand that I am choosing that for my protection or growth or both.
In my recovery I must do what is the best for me and my recovery. I can't worry about what it may do to someone else. Just for me to be aware of what others may have to go through because of my choice is enough and hopefully if I ever have to make the same choice again, I can do it without the selfishness behind it.
That's the thing about recovery, you have choices. When using you have no choices. You can't choose not to use because your addiction will find you and get you when you are not looking. It is a very cunning disease and baffling. You may say to yourself "I'm not going to use today." Well, your disease says "We'll just see about that!" And then next thing you know you have gone and gotten money from somewhere and been by the dope man's house and are at home using, at no choose of your own.
Please don't anyone take this the wrong way, I am not proud of the things I did or who I had become in active addiction. But I have to be able to say "yes I did that" and take responsibility for my part. I have to own what I did and I do. I make no excuses, there are none. I only offer an explanation that I suffer from the disease of addiction and am in recovery now. For those that I did wrong, I try to mend what I did or live today in such a way that they can see the change in me and that is the only amends I can make. For others, I can take responsibility for my part and own it and ask for forgiveness. It is up to that person to forgive me or not. After I have taken responsibility and owned it, that is all I have to do. The rest, if I am forgiven or not, is on the person I make my amends to.
Everyday in recovery is not a fun day. You still have times when using comes across your mind. You DO NOT have to entertain those thoughts. They will pass. There will be fewer and fewer times that you think of using. Eventually, with the help of God, you can lose the desire to use. You will have dreams that you used, are using, or trying to use. Those are called "using dreams", no surprise there. They will also get few and far between.
You will have triggers. These are things that you see, hear or can touch that make you think about using. Those, too, will pass. You will get to the point where most of these things will not phase you as far as using goes. You start having more good days than bad. There will be more and more people you can count on to help you when you need it, especially in a 12 step program. Why? All those folks have been where you are and can share their experience with you. If someone can tell you how they got through to the other side of things, then you don't have to go through it or at least won't have to go through it alone and with no idea of what is going to happen. As in all things, once you get to the other side of issues, good, bad or indifferent, you are always going to be stronger for when something else comes down the pipe.
I so hope that at least one person gets something that will help them to the road of recovery or will help them on the journey they have already started on. It can be confusing. You don't have to understand everything when you first start. Just try not to use for today. That is all you have. We are not promised tomorrow and yesterday is gone. There is nothing that can be done about yesterday except to see it for what it was and learn if there is a lesson there to learn. Then leave it where it belongs, in the past. Yes, we need to concentrate on today and only today. We have to make it through today before tomorrow can come.
If you do, or are involved with, a 12 step program, you will have as much or as little support as you want. There is no way in the world that I would have made it this far had it not been for the support system that I have. There are women in my life today that are so true and real it is sometimes unbelievable. There is always someone that can help, teach much needed lessons or be that tough love person that you need from time to time. That person that under no circumstances will not hold back. They will tell you how it is, like it or not. And you need "tough love" persons in your life. You will learn who and what type people are best for you to have in your support system. They all have to be people that you trust beyond anything else. You trust them with your life, literally.
Again, I would like to say a very heart felt "thank you" to all the supporters that I have in posting this blog. There are so many of you that cannot leave a comment due to your anonymity, I know you are out there and I so appreciate each and everyone that supports me in this path that I am leading now. If you want to comment or leave any kind of comment please feel free to do so and for those who can't leave their names, send a short email. I am an addict and yes, I still need to hear good, bad or indifferent.
Just sayin......
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Help For and Understanding the Disease
Well, I have stated that it may be harder for some folks to find help than others. I have decided to give a list of common 12 step programs and how to get in touch with them. Most folks can use Google to find out anything they want to know, but what about those that don't have a computer. Most folks have access to the internet if only going to the library or other public places that have the internet. Please note that not all on the list are for the addict, there are a couple that are for the families and/or loved ones, friends to attend and they can learn ways to help the addict that they know.
Common 12 Step Programs:
AA - Alcoholics Anonymous - 1-800-870-3715 - www.aa.org
Al-Anon/Ala teen - for friends and family members of alcoholics - www.al-anon.org / www.alateen.org
NA - Narcotics Anonymous - 1-866-997-9559 - www.na.org
Nar-Anon - for friends and family of addicts - 1-888-374-1164 - www.nar-anon.org
There are also 12 step programs for Cocaine, Crystal Meth, Debtors, Emotions, Food, Gambling, Nicotine, Over eaters, Gamers, Pills, Sex, Smokers, Workaholics.
All can be found on Google and you can find a meeting in your area. Or you can call the 1-800 number and they will be able to help you find a meeting in your area.
See, addiction not only affects the addict, but all the people in their lives. Friends, family, co-workers, etc. These folks need some one to talk to just like the addict does. To help them understand that this is a disease. That there is no cure but that it can be arrested and recovery is possible.
They need to know how to help the addict. Things that they can do or not do to make the addict feel safe and loved. I feel that no one can ever "really know" what it is like to be an addict if they are not an addict themselves. The addicts mind works a little differently. The wheels of the mind are always turning. Thinking of this and then of that. An addicts mind has very little rest if any at all.
Most addicts have extremely low self-esteem. They feel as though they are only "taking up space". Some feel that they don't deserve to be happy like this or that person. Truth is, an addict is a person too. They need love and attention just as anyone else would need. That "unconditional love" is the kind of love they need. Some one that really tries to understand some of what they are going through. Life as an addict is hard, to say the least. It has really high highs and extremely low lows.
Yes, now I know that some steal, cheat, lie and manipulate anything and anybody to get their next fix. They go to all ends, any ends possible for that next fix. For a drug addict, the drugs are a byproduct of the disease of addiction. For the drug addict, extreme low self-esteem, not feeling a part of, feeling like an outcast, always second guessing themselves. The obsession and compulsion of anything, from one extreme to the other extreme, being extremely self-centered, this is the disease of addiction. The drugs, food, sex, pills, and so on come after all the other are already playing a part in the addicts life.
No body has ever been young and say they want to be an addict when they grow up. My point is this, if you know someone or you are that someone that needs help, there is help out there. Use the 1-800 numbers to get information in your area. Most states, counties have a mental health facility. They can help point you in the right direction. The first step, that first phone call to ask for help is always the hardest. But it will be one of many that you will remember when you think back over your process.
Common 12 Step Programs:
AA - Alcoholics Anonymous - 1-800-870-3715 - www.aa.org
Al-Anon/Ala teen - for friends and family members of alcoholics - www.al-anon.org / www.alateen.org
NA - Narcotics Anonymous - 1-866-997-9559 - www.na.org
Nar-Anon - for friends and family of addicts - 1-888-374-1164 - www.nar-anon.org
There are also 12 step programs for Cocaine, Crystal Meth, Debtors, Emotions, Food, Gambling, Nicotine, Over eaters, Gamers, Pills, Sex, Smokers, Workaholics.
All can be found on Google and you can find a meeting in your area. Or you can call the 1-800 number and they will be able to help you find a meeting in your area.
See, addiction not only affects the addict, but all the people in their lives. Friends, family, co-workers, etc. These folks need some one to talk to just like the addict does. To help them understand that this is a disease. That there is no cure but that it can be arrested and recovery is possible.
They need to know how to help the addict. Things that they can do or not do to make the addict feel safe and loved. I feel that no one can ever "really know" what it is like to be an addict if they are not an addict themselves. The addicts mind works a little differently. The wheels of the mind are always turning. Thinking of this and then of that. An addicts mind has very little rest if any at all.
Most addicts have extremely low self-esteem. They feel as though they are only "taking up space". Some feel that they don't deserve to be happy like this or that person. Truth is, an addict is a person too. They need love and attention just as anyone else would need. That "unconditional love" is the kind of love they need. Some one that really tries to understand some of what they are going through. Life as an addict is hard, to say the least. It has really high highs and extremely low lows.
Yes, now I know that some steal, cheat, lie and manipulate anything and anybody to get their next fix. They go to all ends, any ends possible for that next fix. For a drug addict, the drugs are a byproduct of the disease of addiction. For the drug addict, extreme low self-esteem, not feeling a part of, feeling like an outcast, always second guessing themselves. The obsession and compulsion of anything, from one extreme to the other extreme, being extremely self-centered, this is the disease of addiction. The drugs, food, sex, pills, and so on come after all the other are already playing a part in the addicts life.
No body has ever been young and say they want to be an addict when they grow up. My point is this, if you know someone or you are that someone that needs help, there is help out there. Use the 1-800 numbers to get information in your area. Most states, counties have a mental health facility. They can help point you in the right direction. The first step, that first phone call to ask for help is always the hardest. But it will be one of many that you will remember when you think back over your process.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Chronic, Progressive, Incurable and FATAL??
(Now remember I stated that this would be written as if it were me
experiencing different things. There are times that it may sound as if
it were something I did, but maybe I did and maybe I didn't. Only I
know for sure.)
Per a public policy statement by ASAM American Society of Addictive Medicine, The Voice of Addiction Medicine "Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors."~~
Yes, addiction is chronic, progressive, incurable, and can be fatal if treatment is not received. It can be arrested but not cured. It affects a person mentally, physically and spiritually. Addiction is not limited to age, gender, ethnic background, sexual preference, or religion. Addiction is not always about the use of drugs or alcohol. There many things that you can become addicted to: shopping, eating, gambling, texting and others. But for the purpose of this post, we are dealing with drug addiction.
Anyone can become addicted. Some, they say, have a gene in their physical makeup that causes the compulsive and obsessive behavior that all addicts seem to have. Most folks will not know until they hit "the one" thing that will trigger their addiction. It could be drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, and so on. Once the trigger for the addiction has been hit, a person will go to any lengths to be able to obtain the substance that they are addicted to.
Like me, there are a lot of addicts out there seeking recovery. We can never be cured of the disease because it is what it is. Like diabetes, it has to be treated and can be arrested. But these two things must happen in order to try to regain control of your life again.
I have been asked in the past "What is your drug of choice?" and my answer is "a lot of anything that can be mood or mind altering." I have learned that a drug is a drug is a drug. Most of us addicts really don't care what that drug is just as long as it takes us out of ourselves.
Different people will do different things in order to obtain their drug or drugs in general. Some may steal, manipulate people or situations, beg, prostitute, and so on. Most of us have lost most or all of our families due to drug use. We have stolen from them, lied to them, tried to manipulate them into feeling sorry for us, so many things and so many times, that they no longer trust us or want to be around us. For me, I was a lucky one. Because I came to my family and said "Hey, I have a problem and I need your help." My family is one of the biggest supports I have.
The 12 step fellowship that I am involved in is the largest support group I have. I have ladies in this fellowship that I can call anytime of the day or night. It's not that they "have" to help me, they "want" to help me. They, too, are in recovery and need help from time to time. We all depend on each other for support. I count on my support network to be honest with me and tell me when they feel I am not doing what I should be or not acting the way I should be. They are my eyes and ears because they will see it or hear it quicker than I will because I am an addict. I will lie to myself in order not to see or hear the truth.
Working a program, I am able to be trusted somewhat today. I am an honest person, loving, caring person. I don't tell lies, why, I have nothing to hide these days. I have become a trustworthy person, someone that people can rely on, someone that will follow through and finish what was started.
My addiction had me so deep that I was truly scared. I really didn't want to use at the end, but did because of the obsession and compulsion of my disease, it made me use. My addiction would lie to me and tell me that I needed to use just to be able to make it one day to the next. That the using would help me not to hurt. That using would make people like me more, I would be better accepted. My self-esteem, if I had any at the end, was not at all present. My disease could have me believing that people just put up with me, that they really did not like me nor did they want to be around me. That I was stupid. My disease could tell me most anything and I would believe it. I was so messed up in my mind that it took some time to straighten somethings out. I am still learning about myself. My likes and dislikes.
The disease of addiction can and will ruin your entire life and it really will not take a long time to do it. It will give you so much self esteem and an ego that it is so unbelievable. It will kill you. Leave you crippled, mangled, and lost. If you even think just a little bit that you may be an addict or addicted to something that you just cannot stop, please seek help now. Do not wait. For the longer you wait, the grip of this disease will get tighter and tighter until it chokes you to death.
My prayer for everyone reading this is: If you or someone you know may or does suffer from the disease of addiction, get help or get help for the folks you think may need it. Do not play around with this disease. It wants you dead and it does not care how that happens. We must remember that we are not "bad people", but we have a disease that has us "do" bad things. The only options that this disease will give you, if you continue to use, is jails, institutions or death. All active drug addiction will lead to one or all three of these.
All you have to do is ask for help. There is help out there. But you must ask for it. For when "you" ask for the help, it is a sign of surrender. You must surrender to your disease and healing, hopefully then and only then, can it begin.
With much love...
(Footnote~~source of information from ASAM)~~See ASAM Public Policy Statement on Treatment for Alcohol and Other Drug Addiction, Adopted: May 01, 1980, Revised: January 01, 2010. Copyright © 2012 American Society of Addiction Medicine.
Per a public policy statement by ASAM American Society of Addictive Medicine, The Voice of Addiction Medicine "Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors."~~
Yes, addiction is chronic, progressive, incurable, and can be fatal if treatment is not received. It can be arrested but not cured. It affects a person mentally, physically and spiritually. Addiction is not limited to age, gender, ethnic background, sexual preference, or religion. Addiction is not always about the use of drugs or alcohol. There many things that you can become addicted to: shopping, eating, gambling, texting and others. But for the purpose of this post, we are dealing with drug addiction.
Anyone can become addicted. Some, they say, have a gene in their physical makeup that causes the compulsive and obsessive behavior that all addicts seem to have. Most folks will not know until they hit "the one" thing that will trigger their addiction. It could be drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, and so on. Once the trigger for the addiction has been hit, a person will go to any lengths to be able to obtain the substance that they are addicted to.
Like me, there are a lot of addicts out there seeking recovery. We can never be cured of the disease because it is what it is. Like diabetes, it has to be treated and can be arrested. But these two things must happen in order to try to regain control of your life again.
I have been asked in the past "What is your drug of choice?" and my answer is "a lot of anything that can be mood or mind altering." I have learned that a drug is a drug is a drug. Most of us addicts really don't care what that drug is just as long as it takes us out of ourselves.
Different people will do different things in order to obtain their drug or drugs in general. Some may steal, manipulate people or situations, beg, prostitute, and so on. Most of us have lost most or all of our families due to drug use. We have stolen from them, lied to them, tried to manipulate them into feeling sorry for us, so many things and so many times, that they no longer trust us or want to be around us. For me, I was a lucky one. Because I came to my family and said "Hey, I have a problem and I need your help." My family is one of the biggest supports I have.
The 12 step fellowship that I am involved in is the largest support group I have. I have ladies in this fellowship that I can call anytime of the day or night. It's not that they "have" to help me, they "want" to help me. They, too, are in recovery and need help from time to time. We all depend on each other for support. I count on my support network to be honest with me and tell me when they feel I am not doing what I should be or not acting the way I should be. They are my eyes and ears because they will see it or hear it quicker than I will because I am an addict. I will lie to myself in order not to see or hear the truth.
Working a program, I am able to be trusted somewhat today. I am an honest person, loving, caring person. I don't tell lies, why, I have nothing to hide these days. I have become a trustworthy person, someone that people can rely on, someone that will follow through and finish what was started.
My addiction had me so deep that I was truly scared. I really didn't want to use at the end, but did because of the obsession and compulsion of my disease, it made me use. My addiction would lie to me and tell me that I needed to use just to be able to make it one day to the next. That the using would help me not to hurt. That using would make people like me more, I would be better accepted. My self-esteem, if I had any at the end, was not at all present. My disease could have me believing that people just put up with me, that they really did not like me nor did they want to be around me. That I was stupid. My disease could tell me most anything and I would believe it. I was so messed up in my mind that it took some time to straighten somethings out. I am still learning about myself. My likes and dislikes.
The disease of addiction can and will ruin your entire life and it really will not take a long time to do it. It will give you so much self esteem and an ego that it is so unbelievable. It will kill you. Leave you crippled, mangled, and lost. If you even think just a little bit that you may be an addict or addicted to something that you just cannot stop, please seek help now. Do not wait. For the longer you wait, the grip of this disease will get tighter and tighter until it chokes you to death.
My prayer for everyone reading this is: If you or someone you know may or does suffer from the disease of addiction, get help or get help for the folks you think may need it. Do not play around with this disease. It wants you dead and it does not care how that happens. We must remember that we are not "bad people", but we have a disease that has us "do" bad things. The only options that this disease will give you, if you continue to use, is jails, institutions or death. All active drug addiction will lead to one or all three of these.
All you have to do is ask for help. There is help out there. But you must ask for it. For when "you" ask for the help, it is a sign of surrender. You must surrender to your disease and healing, hopefully then and only then, can it begin.
With much love...
(Footnote~~source of information from ASAM)~~See ASAM Public Policy Statement on Treatment for Alcohol and Other Drug Addiction, Adopted: May 01, 1980, Revised: January 01, 2010. Copyright © 2012 American Society of Addiction Medicine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)