As I sit here looking back on the past 4 years, I am so grateful for the experiences I have had and the ones that are yet to come. You see 4 years ago today, I was stuck on stupid! A total and complete mess. So far in the throws of addiction I could not see past 'that next one'. Sad, yes it was. Having no idea what to do next. Until that deer, God bless that deer, hit the driver door of the car and I looked into her eyes. Big deep brown glaring straight through me. I could feel the deer slide down the side of the car. As I looked back she lay in the middle of the road motionless. I felt for sure I had killed her. As I drove around and around in circles looking here and there for that 'next one' I came back down the same road as before. I slowed down and as I came upon the spot the deer and I met, she was gone. Thank you God I didn't kill her.
It was after being in recovery that my mom told me that the deer must have been my wake call, so to speak. And as I think about that even today, yes, she is correct. That deer and her look as she slid to the road hit something in me especially when I realized that I had not killed her. I have not been the same since. I knew that I had to some how find my way home. Home to a family that really did love me and care about me.
Since entering into recovery I look back from time to time and remember. Remember those feelings and I see the growth my life has had. Now don't get it twisted, I still have lots of growing to do, hopefully till the day God takes me home. And yes, I remember that last day just as clear as if it were yesterday. I have to remember. I have learned in recovery that if I don't remember that last day, that leaves room for it to happen again. All the mistakes that I make, I remember them and keep them all fresh so as not to repeat them again. Trying something different today and seeing that it works, just as long as I don't use.
Recovery has taught me that I am going to make mistakes. What matters is what I do with it after the mistake has been made. If I discard it, throw it away and forget about it, that same thing may/will get me again. But if I look at it, figure out why I made that mistake and then file it away in hopes not to repeat the same mistake. Approach the situation in a different way. Yes, today, I do something different.
As I celebrate 4 years in recovery I pray that if you have a problem, a situation that you are in the grip of, know that there is help. There are others just like you. We all look at how we are different but we must see how we are the same. We did the same things. Lived our life the same way. But not today, today I, we can do something different. In recovery, I have a choice. You have a choice. Everyone has a choice, just as long as we don't use.
It's that simple, DON'T USE NO MATTER WHAT!!! Life will get better, slowly. We have to remain clean through the good, bad and indifferent. Each day will get just a little better than the last day. I will get better each day if I just don't use!! No matter what I have to face that day. No matter what!!
Life is so much better, more wonderful without using. I still have 'bad' days but not like when I was using. Bad days today are like 'okay, I have a flat tire' but today I know that I can change the flat tire with a good one and keep it moving. Problem solved, move on to the next one. Just keep it moving forward. Forward is the way to go for if I stop, I am subject to repeat mistake after mistake after mistake...you know that crazy ride you can't seem to get off of. Well, you can, I can get off and do something different. Life does get better!
I thank God everyday for the experiences in life that I have had for they make me the person I am today, but they do not define me. They do not control me today. Yes, I will always be an addict, but I choose today to be a 'clean addict' that is trying something different today and moving, looking forward. God is so good. Life is good. Recovery is good.
Thank you to those folks that are in and have been a part of my life on this journey I am taking. It is because of your support that I know I can keep moving forward. It is because of you that I know life is worth living and living it clean. There is no other way to do it. Mistakes will still be made but lessons will be learned as well. Always trying to do it better than the last time in a different way.
Understand than some or all of this will not make sense to everyone. Those that do make sense out of it know the life that I speak of before and after using. Especially before and during the time in life that using ruled. If you have a problem and don't know where to turn, go to my resource page, your answer may be there. Reach out to someone that you know cares for you. No one can help anyone if they don't know they need help, so ask. You will be surprised at the help you will get. You will know in your 'gut' if it's right or not. You may have to learn what is right and what is wrong but there are those that can help teach that as well. Whatever your problem may be, someone can help in some way or another. Just ask. That's all it takes is to ask.
Start small. Don't move so fast. Stop to enjoy and smell the flowers. Life is a beautiful journey, enjoy it all. Learn from it all. Each experience we have there is something to be learned from it. It may be as small as, be kind to others, but there is still that lesson to be learned.
As always I pray that this is in someway helpful to someone else, no matter your need. I am truly grateful to God for the ability to reach out and touch so many and help just that one.
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