As Time Goes By...

As time goes by, for me, there have been many changes that have occurred in my life.  As I sit and look back over the past few years, man, what changes there have been in me and in the world.  This is dedicated to the one, or many, that feel like life is not fair, or that they don't fit in.  That they will never be free from the pain and depression that they feel they are in on a daily basis.  I hope, and I pray, that you can find or just get a little hope, love and compassion in this post...

Alive, free, and loving myself more and more each passing day.  There have been so many changes in my life over the last  four to five years that I sit and reflect back on the changes more and more each day.  The family, friends, relationships that have grown, started anew and yes sadly, some are gone forever.  But there is still joy, love and hope in my heart that I say thank you God for all you have given and removed from me, for without your grace and mercy I would not be here, as I am, today.  It is only by His grace that I have been given another chance at life.  It is only by His mercy that I have the ability to see the changes that I need to make and His strength allows me to make those changes.

Change is not easy for anyone.  The fear of the unknown affects us all to a certain degree.  Even if we know it or not, the changes that we embrace are some what easier to face.  As long as I keep God in the forefront, those changes are not as bad as I as think they are going to be.  Now, there are times when those changes are difficult, but with God at my side, I can face whatever I need to or have to.

As stated on the page "About Me", you can get a little understanding of where it is that I come from.  Almost five years ago, my life changed.  Something inside of me started fighting me to get out.  Out of the cage that I had locked it away in so long ago, me.  Yes, me.  Events in my life that I didn't want to face or own up to I pushed and stuffed way down deep inside and locked it all up.  And now, that is the beauty in recovery, I am set free!

Free to feel what I need or have to feel.  Go through whatever I must go through.  Today, I can do this.  Through working on myself and things that I had stuffed, I can free myself and be who I am suppose to be.  Not who you need or want me to be.  But who I truly am.  I have learned that it is okay to feel happy, sad or any feeling that may come along.  And with these feelings come responsibilities as to what I do with them today.  Instead of stuffing and locking it all away, I deal with whatever comes down the pipe.  Head up and full speed ahead.

Some may say 'she is just wanting people to look at her, to look at what she has accomplished, she is so full of herself' and so on.  And they are all correct.  But that is just human nature.  If they were to take just a minute or two to look at the 'whole' picture, maybe they could see that I am not boasting or bragging.  I am only sharing my experiences, the strength that I gained going through and the hope that someone somewhere can look at me and say 'she did this or that and got through it okay, then so can I'.

In these almost five years I have lost everything.  How you may ask?  The night that I made the decision to enter recovery I lost everything, or at least that is what it felt like.  I had hit rock bottom with no way of escape.  The only thing I could do was ask for help.  The hardest thing anyone can do at any point of time in their lives is ask for help.  But yes I let every guard I had put up down.  Every wall that I had built fell.  I was broken, felt hopeless and unworthy of anything or anyone.  Let me tell you that is the hardest and scariest place to be in life.  Naked, exposed for everyone to see you, me.  The 'REAL' me.

But as time goes by, I see, I realize, I understand that all that I went through was needed.  It was all necessary for me to be able to live life and enjoy the ups and experience the downs.  It was all worth letting folks in and letting them see the real me.  My masks are all off and discarded.  With God's help, praying they never return.  Today, I can truly and honestly say I love myself.  I am worthy and I do deserve better.  Deserve to be happy, loved, in love, and all those things and more.

I have seen a lot and lived a lot in my 49 years.  Today I can say that I am grateful for each and every one of the experiences I have had to face and am facing today.  I love my life and I love myself.  And as simple as it sounds that was what I needed to learn to be able to grow and help others, to love myself.  That was the first relationship that I broke and it was the first one I had, above all others, to fix.  Through God's love, mercy and grace I have been able to do that and to help others do the same.

Yes, as time goes by, we must cherish everything for what it is and everyone for who they are.  Love them.  Nourish them.  Being present for someone else just because.

Recovery from anything, not just dope or alcohol, is out there.  All you have to do is ask for it.  Yup!  it's that simple.  Ask someone for help and if they can't, don't want to or whatever, continue to ask as someone some day will hear you and then say okay.  We can do this.  You don't have to do this all on your own.  There is help out there, you just have to find it for yourself.  That is when the growing starts.  What your foundation is started and built upon.

Today, no matter what it is that you may be going through or are having to face, you can do it.  All you have to do is ask.  There are many resources listed on the 'resource page' on this blog.  And if  you don't know what or who to ask, ask me.  Maybe I can at least point you in the right direction.  Sometimes that's all we need.  Just to be pointed in the right direction.

If you take nothing from this, please take this one thing:  There is grace and mercy that God has for you.  You just have to accept it from Him for He has already given it to you.

May you have a wonderfully blessed day!  And remember no matter who you are or what you have done, someone out there loves you.  If no one but me, you have one person that loves you and sometimes that's all it takes.

God bless and remember, as time goes by it is up to you to decide if there will be any growth.  It is all about the choices you have and what you do with those choices.

Much love and respect to you all...