My body has scars of my addiction, of my past, of my life. Waiting on the scars I will receive in my future. I am not ashamed of them, they make me what I am today. You can see my scars on the outside but not on the inside. Sometimes the outside scars are from some of the worst parts of life, not the inside one. There is not much I can do about the ones on the outside except say, "They tell parts of my story. Parts that people need to know, see and feel."
The inside scars are mine, to do what I need to with. Heal them, let them stand as they are, as they are a reminder, to me, of what life was and what it is today. Some of the scars on the inside I could let inflame and grow and fester. Or I can see them for what they really are, cleanse them and do what is necessary for them to heal.
You know of some scars that I have, for I have shared about them. Those are some that I chose to cleanse and let heal. The ones that have yet to be cleansed are deeper, full of more emotion than others. They are the ones that will take time, patience and growth to be cleansed and healed. For those scars are from a time before the using started. From a time when I did not feel a part of, wanting to fit in but not fitting in. A time from when I said "Hey y'all, look at me" and seen everyone had already left and I was alone. They are scars that I caused myself and some that others put there.
With the help of God, I can see my scars for what they are today. For how they were put there and what I need to do to heal them. Some are not for me to heal but are there to allow God to work in my life, healing me, helping me grow, never to be alone again for He is always there.
I am telling you about my scars, in hope, that you can understand that my recovery is a process that I have to go through to get to where I want to be, where I need to be, who I want to be and who I should be, am going to be. My process is different from anyone else. Sometimes it will go along very fast and steady and then it may slow and be bumpy and hard to understand. When it is at a fast, steady pace, the scars heal quickly with little effort on my part.
But when the process is long, hard and bumpy, those are the scars that are the deepest. The ones that have been there for the longest time. The ones that I and everyone around me can see the growth that I have. Everyone can tell that things, I, am changing. That I am healing.
My road is the way I choose it to be today. Today I can choose what is next in my life. Today I understand and search for God's will for my life. What God wants out of me and what I want from Him. He only wants me to love Him and accept that wonderful gift of love. I only want what He will have me to do.
Surrender, acceptance, humility, unconditional love, trust, faith, willingness, hope are just some of the things that I have learned and am still learning to use to heal my scars. To protect myself from letting newer scars form. With these spiritual principles and others that I have learned I can face anything and everything that God has planned for me
My process is my process. It is not for you or for you to understand. It is mine. The process of recovery is such a beautiful thing. Freedom, hope and love for me and for others, you. Everyone deserves recovery. Everyone that needs it does not have it, just the ones that "want" it. You can only want it when you get to the bottom, when you are sick and tried of being sick and tried, when there is nothing left but death and then, sometimes these are not even enough for you to want recovery. Those are the ones that are lost and death is the process for them.
Recovery is a blessing. It is necessary to heal your scars. It is necessary to stop new scars from forming and festering. It is necessary for your growth in life, for your acceptance, for you in what it is you need it for. You must want it, need it, have a desire for it or it will not change anything in your life, your process.
Without my recovery I could not do the things I do today. I could not be the person I am , the friend that I am, the woman that I am today. I love my recovery. My process. My recovery. My life.
My hope is that you understand where this post is coming from and understand the importance of your recovery and your process. Some will, some will not. Those that are meant to will and will take these words to heart. Make your process mean what it is meant to mean to you.
May you find your path in recovery and in your process. Heed what your recovery is trying to do for you, what your process needs to do for you. Recovery is possible. Growth is possible. Healing from your scars is possible. IT IS A LIFE WORTH LIVING!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Who, What, Where and How...
Got to thinking that maybe some of you might what to know a little bit about me, so........
I am the youngest of four children, two brothers and one sister. Growing up, I always tried to be the center of attention at all the family gatherings or just where ever we were and there were lots of people. My mom has always said that I never met a stranger. It sometimes seems, when I meet someone for the first time, like I have known them my entire life.
Thinking back, I can see how my brothers and sister may have thought that I always got my way or what I wanted. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic family. By the time I was old enough to be able to get what I wanted, the disease of addiction already had a very firm grip on my family. (Note: those of you that know me, probably know who I am speaking of, but out of respect I am not saying who it is.)
As far back as I can remember, my siblings all seem to think I was spoiled. Now, I don't know why this is because I always felt like an outsider so to speak. That I had to prove myself. Guess that is why I use to talk louder and louder when we were at a family gathering and I wanted folks to look at me. Yes, I can look back today and admit that there were times I tried to be the center of attention. And there it begins, the core of my disease, self-centeredness. Never feeling like you "fit in" with anyone or anything. Not sure why I felt this way because I had friends that I did things with and spent time with.
They say that the disease of addiction can be inherited. That it goes from generation to generation. Maybe that explains my low self-esteem, my self-centeredness, feeling like I didn't fit. I truly believe that it could be something that I inherited from generations before me. On both sides of my family, mom and dad's, there were relatives that drank, gambled, and probably other things that are a part of the addictive behaviors. No idea, just know that "I" have the disease of addiction and I have to do things each day to keep it arrested.
Yes, I attend meetings and feel that there is no other way than to go to meetings on a regular basis. Some folks don't like going to the meetings because there can be triggers from other folks there. You must learn about the Fellowship and the workings for it to work for yourself. It is not a place that I go to discuss using, not at all. It is a place I can go and be "myself", a place that I feel I am not being judged on how I am dressed, how I look or what I do for a living. No one is better than anyone else, we are all the same. Addicts looking for answers to living today without using. Help with how to get through losing a job, finding a job, death of a loved one, and just anything that we don't want to face alone.
Because of the Fellowship and the "friends" I have made there, I never have to face life on life's terms by myself, if I don't want to. (Note: My mom told me many years ago, while I was in school, that I would have many friends that were just acquaintances, not true friends. That true friends were few and very far between. Today, I have 30 plus friends, true friends, not acquaintances. Folks that it does not matter what, where, how or why I need them, they are there for me. If the ones that I call on can not help me, they find someone that can and point me in their direction.
Some of this post has the same information that earlier post may have had, but those remarks bare repeating because they are true statements in their own right. Plus, I am so full of gratitude that I can't stop myself from letting you know what a wonderful life I have now.
So, back to me.......
I never really did anything as I was growing up, except drinking. Like most teenagers, I drank to try to "fit in". Never really liked it and was always mindful that a drink could trigger the disease of addiction because it was in the family. I was an average student in school. Had the friends I hung out with. Never really dated until I met the man I married. We were married a month after I finished school. We have a wonderful, beautiful, and special daughter together. She is my blessing and I love her with every ounce of my being. Our marriage ended short of seven years together.
It was just me and my daughter for several years. Still, at this time, not dating any at all. As I was at work one day, this guy came into the store and he looked like someone I should know, but could not place him. We began to talk and he was someone that I had gone to school with. He was a year younger than me and may explain why he looked familiar but did remember his name. We did date for a while and after some time he asked me to marry him and I did.
He had a son that was just a little older than my daughter and we decided that we would not have any children because of the two we already had. We wanted to be able to afford things that they may want to do or have. My life then was so stressful, it is a wonder that I didn't start using then, but I didn't. Our marriage lasted a few years and it ended in a way that no one could ever imagine. Being held at gun point is something I pray will never happen to any one, because all I could think of was my daughter. It is really hard, I think, for someone to try and put themselves in my shoes, at that time there was no turning back. My marriage was over. I was utterly confused by his actions and can only thank God for getting me through it alive. (No need to ask anything about this one...what I have said is all there is to say.)
It was when that marriage ended that I began a life that would drag me so far from my roots that I did not know who I was any more, this was not an accident. No one made me do it. I actively sought out and began using. A choice of my own free will that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life! No, drinking did not trigger that sleeping demon inside of me, my using did and when it awoke, I was lost. For many years, I struggled. Knew I needed to stop but could not. There was a time toward the end that I did stop for a short period. But that demon is cunning and it raised it's evil head once again after almost 3 years. This time my journey was short. The demon took me down so fast that I didn't want to live or die.
All it took was a simple prayer, "God, please show me Your will for me and the power to carry it out." And He did. God touched my life, gave me the strength to say "Help me please, I can't do this by myself." Fortunately my family responded. They aided in getting me somewhere that I could find myself, the real me. Not that monster I had become.
I entered treatment. There I would learn why I did the things I did, what was going on inside of me, how to keep that demon locked up, arrested and at bay. They gave me the tools to ask for help, to be honest no matter what, to humble myself and to be able to say "I can't do this by myself." Treatment introduced the Fellowship to me. That was the "medicine" I had needed all those years of fighting. Not knowing why I did this or how do I stop doing this?
There began my life in recovery. There is no need to know what I did as far as using goes. All that matters is I am getting the help I so needed and I am living "my life" today. I am no longer following that demon.
Again, there are just things that it does not matter as to what, where, why or how, just that it happened. The names and identification of some people are also not needed just that they were who they were and I was who I was during that part of my life.
I have moved on from that young lady with the extremely low self-esteem. Afraid of not "fitting" in anywhere or with anyone. That women that thought "I've got this and I can handle it." I have moved on from those days that I could not take care of myself, from the pain, from the mistrust, from not being able to express myself, from being almost totally illiterate, to the person today that is trustworthy, has integrity, can say exactly what, how and why I feel the way I do. To the person today that can stand alone, in front of people, some known others unknown and read or speak in a manner in which you almost cannot tell I ever shuddered from the thought of being in front of folks all alone. They are "family", the known and unknown. They know from whence I came. They have empathy for me and others like me. They want me to succeed in all that I do.
They are my "friends", not acquaintances, that tell me the truth no matter what.
Thank God for each of them from New York City to Dayton Beach, I love and truly appreciate each and everyone of you that I have met and those that I am waiting to meet when it is time. Thank you God for doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
I am the youngest of four children, two brothers and one sister. Growing up, I always tried to be the center of attention at all the family gatherings or just where ever we were and there were lots of people. My mom has always said that I never met a stranger. It sometimes seems, when I meet someone for the first time, like I have known them my entire life.
Thinking back, I can see how my brothers and sister may have thought that I always got my way or what I wanted. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic family. By the time I was old enough to be able to get what I wanted, the disease of addiction already had a very firm grip on my family. (Note: those of you that know me, probably know who I am speaking of, but out of respect I am not saying who it is.)
As far back as I can remember, my siblings all seem to think I was spoiled. Now, I don't know why this is because I always felt like an outsider so to speak. That I had to prove myself. Guess that is why I use to talk louder and louder when we were at a family gathering and I wanted folks to look at me. Yes, I can look back today and admit that there were times I tried to be the center of attention. And there it begins, the core of my disease, self-centeredness. Never feeling like you "fit in" with anyone or anything. Not sure why I felt this way because I had friends that I did things with and spent time with.
They say that the disease of addiction can be inherited. That it goes from generation to generation. Maybe that explains my low self-esteem, my self-centeredness, feeling like I didn't fit. I truly believe that it could be something that I inherited from generations before me. On both sides of my family, mom and dad's, there were relatives that drank, gambled, and probably other things that are a part of the addictive behaviors. No idea, just know that "I" have the disease of addiction and I have to do things each day to keep it arrested.
Yes, I attend meetings and feel that there is no other way than to go to meetings on a regular basis. Some folks don't like going to the meetings because there can be triggers from other folks there. You must learn about the Fellowship and the workings for it to work for yourself. It is not a place that I go to discuss using, not at all. It is a place I can go and be "myself", a place that I feel I am not being judged on how I am dressed, how I look or what I do for a living. No one is better than anyone else, we are all the same. Addicts looking for answers to living today without using. Help with how to get through losing a job, finding a job, death of a loved one, and just anything that we don't want to face alone.
Because of the Fellowship and the "friends" I have made there, I never have to face life on life's terms by myself, if I don't want to. (Note: My mom told me many years ago, while I was in school, that I would have many friends that were just acquaintances, not true friends. That true friends were few and very far between. Today, I have 30 plus friends, true friends, not acquaintances. Folks that it does not matter what, where, how or why I need them, they are there for me. If the ones that I call on can not help me, they find someone that can and point me in their direction.
Some of this post has the same information that earlier post may have had, but those remarks bare repeating because they are true statements in their own right. Plus, I am so full of gratitude that I can't stop myself from letting you know what a wonderful life I have now.
So, back to me.......
I never really did anything as I was growing up, except drinking. Like most teenagers, I drank to try to "fit in". Never really liked it and was always mindful that a drink could trigger the disease of addiction because it was in the family. I was an average student in school. Had the friends I hung out with. Never really dated until I met the man I married. We were married a month after I finished school. We have a wonderful, beautiful, and special daughter together. She is my blessing and I love her with every ounce of my being. Our marriage ended short of seven years together.
It was just me and my daughter for several years. Still, at this time, not dating any at all. As I was at work one day, this guy came into the store and he looked like someone I should know, but could not place him. We began to talk and he was someone that I had gone to school with. He was a year younger than me and may explain why he looked familiar but did remember his name. We did date for a while and after some time he asked me to marry him and I did.
He had a son that was just a little older than my daughter and we decided that we would not have any children because of the two we already had. We wanted to be able to afford things that they may want to do or have. My life then was so stressful, it is a wonder that I didn't start using then, but I didn't. Our marriage lasted a few years and it ended in a way that no one could ever imagine. Being held at gun point is something I pray will never happen to any one, because all I could think of was my daughter. It is really hard, I think, for someone to try and put themselves in my shoes, at that time there was no turning back. My marriage was over. I was utterly confused by his actions and can only thank God for getting me through it alive. (No need to ask anything about this one...what I have said is all there is to say.)
It was when that marriage ended that I began a life that would drag me so far from my roots that I did not know who I was any more, this was not an accident. No one made me do it. I actively sought out and began using. A choice of my own free will that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life! No, drinking did not trigger that sleeping demon inside of me, my using did and when it awoke, I was lost. For many years, I struggled. Knew I needed to stop but could not. There was a time toward the end that I did stop for a short period. But that demon is cunning and it raised it's evil head once again after almost 3 years. This time my journey was short. The demon took me down so fast that I didn't want to live or die.
All it took was a simple prayer, "God, please show me Your will for me and the power to carry it out." And He did. God touched my life, gave me the strength to say "Help me please, I can't do this by myself." Fortunately my family responded. They aided in getting me somewhere that I could find myself, the real me. Not that monster I had become.
I entered treatment. There I would learn why I did the things I did, what was going on inside of me, how to keep that demon locked up, arrested and at bay. They gave me the tools to ask for help, to be honest no matter what, to humble myself and to be able to say "I can't do this by myself." Treatment introduced the Fellowship to me. That was the "medicine" I had needed all those years of fighting. Not knowing why I did this or how do I stop doing this?
There began my life in recovery. There is no need to know what I did as far as using goes. All that matters is I am getting the help I so needed and I am living "my life" today. I am no longer following that demon.
Again, there are just things that it does not matter as to what, where, why or how, just that it happened. The names and identification of some people are also not needed just that they were who they were and I was who I was during that part of my life.
I have moved on from that young lady with the extremely low self-esteem. Afraid of not "fitting" in anywhere or with anyone. That women that thought "I've got this and I can handle it." I have moved on from those days that I could not take care of myself, from the pain, from the mistrust, from not being able to express myself, from being almost totally illiterate, to the person today that is trustworthy, has integrity, can say exactly what, how and why I feel the way I do. To the person today that can stand alone, in front of people, some known others unknown and read or speak in a manner in which you almost cannot tell I ever shuddered from the thought of being in front of folks all alone. They are "family", the known and unknown. They know from whence I came. They have empathy for me and others like me. They want me to succeed in all that I do.
They are my "friends", not acquaintances, that tell me the truth no matter what.
Thank God for each of them from New York City to Dayton Beach, I love and truly appreciate each and everyone of you that I have met and those that I am waiting to meet when it is time. Thank you God for doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Life and Death
Being in recovery, I have gone through a lot of things that I didn't want to do, but that is life on life's terms. The first month or so that I was home from treatment, I received a phone call from my mom telling me to pack my bags because we had to go to Florida. My uncle, daddy's brother, was dying. All my daddy's other siblings had already past on and this was his baby brother.
We left out and did not get to my uncle's home until after midnight. We went straight to the hospital. It was a long, hard trip to make. Emotions ran high the entire time we were there. I still had not gotten my medicine sorted out as to how I would be able to get it. So I ran out a few days after we arrived in Florida.
My uncle was moved from the hospital to one of the Hospice's down there and that was where we spent the remaining moments of his life. This is an experience that is somewhat hard to talk about because this was the uncle that always "made over me". Like, I thought I was his favorite niece.
My mom kept a close eye on me and would take me outside to walk a little just because she could see my anxiety level rise. That really helped me and I so do appreciate everything my mom and dad have done for me. But moving on, the nurses also could tell that there were times that I seemed more on edge than others. One of them even offered me some medicine that she had and I kindly declined. I had not spent the past 2-3 months learning why I did what I did and a new way to live, for one little pill to flush it all down the toilet. No, thank you, but I did appreciate her trying to help.
We were there for a week, exactly. Went down on a Thursday late evening and was on the road home the following Thursday late night. My uncle passed that following Thursday, one week after we arrived and we started back home around midnight the night of his death. There are several things, reasons, that happened between the time my uncle past to the time we left. Not getting in to the entire story, but things happened and stuff was said. And, we were on the road home that night.
Going through this experience and others, have made me look at things somewhat differently than before. I have learned a great deal since this trip, also. I don't have to attend all the arguments that I am invited to. I can tell you how I feel and why I feel that way without wanting to slap you up side your head. I am much more laid back than I was before. I have a right to feel the way I feel even if you don't think so.
I guess I should back up a little bit. When I came home from treatment I went back to the home I had, with my aunt. Don't know why, but after a few months, I felt the need to move in with my parents. This is one of the biggest blessings I have been given, time with my mom and dad. Now it can be trying at times, but I love them both so very much. I try to help them and they try to help me.
Sorry, I did not mean to get off track, but there are some things that you need to know and some that need to stay where they are. Somethings need to be said because it may help someone else. And some won't.
That is the reason I started this blog. By sharing my experiences, someone may be helped. As I stated a few posts ago, some folks don't even know where to go to get help nor what to do when they come from the treatment facility. I can happily say that there have been a few that have wanted to know more about who, what, where and how, about recovery.
I will end this one saying "For me recovery is wonderful. I am happier today than I can remember ever being. I love life and am living life with a brighter outlook." Now don't get it twisted, I still have times, days, weeks, even months that I wish this was not my life. There are things that I still do not want to deal with. Don't feel like I can handle dealing with them. Want things to just go away. Knowing these things, believe it or not, is growth for me. Being able to face life on life's terms is growth for me. Talking about my experiences over the last 2-3 years is growth for me.
Again, please leave a comment or email to let me know how I am doing. You know, do you find this blog interesting, boring, etc. You can leave your email and you will automatically be notified of new posts. If you are new, first time or two visiting my blog, please feel free to read past post to learn more about me and my experiences. Also, sorry once again for it being a few days since the last post, but we have had rainy weather all week and it has taken a while to get this one done. May God bless and keep you, may He protect and comfort you in whatever you are in need of.
We left out and did not get to my uncle's home until after midnight. We went straight to the hospital. It was a long, hard trip to make. Emotions ran high the entire time we were there. I still had not gotten my medicine sorted out as to how I would be able to get it. So I ran out a few days after we arrived in Florida.
My uncle was moved from the hospital to one of the Hospice's down there and that was where we spent the remaining moments of his life. This is an experience that is somewhat hard to talk about because this was the uncle that always "made over me". Like, I thought I was his favorite niece.
My mom kept a close eye on me and would take me outside to walk a little just because she could see my anxiety level rise. That really helped me and I so do appreciate everything my mom and dad have done for me. But moving on, the nurses also could tell that there were times that I seemed more on edge than others. One of them even offered me some medicine that she had and I kindly declined. I had not spent the past 2-3 months learning why I did what I did and a new way to live, for one little pill to flush it all down the toilet. No, thank you, but I did appreciate her trying to help.
We were there for a week, exactly. Went down on a Thursday late evening and was on the road home the following Thursday late night. My uncle passed that following Thursday, one week after we arrived and we started back home around midnight the night of his death. There are several things, reasons, that happened between the time my uncle past to the time we left. Not getting in to the entire story, but things happened and stuff was said. And, we were on the road home that night.
Going through this experience and others, have made me look at things somewhat differently than before. I have learned a great deal since this trip, also. I don't have to attend all the arguments that I am invited to. I can tell you how I feel and why I feel that way without wanting to slap you up side your head. I am much more laid back than I was before. I have a right to feel the way I feel even if you don't think so.
I guess I should back up a little bit. When I came home from treatment I went back to the home I had, with my aunt. Don't know why, but after a few months, I felt the need to move in with my parents. This is one of the biggest blessings I have been given, time with my mom and dad. Now it can be trying at times, but I love them both so very much. I try to help them and they try to help me.
Sorry, I did not mean to get off track, but there are some things that you need to know and some that need to stay where they are. Somethings need to be said because it may help someone else. And some won't.
That is the reason I started this blog. By sharing my experiences, someone may be helped. As I stated a few posts ago, some folks don't even know where to go to get help nor what to do when they come from the treatment facility. I can happily say that there have been a few that have wanted to know more about who, what, where and how, about recovery.
I will end this one saying "For me recovery is wonderful. I am happier today than I can remember ever being. I love life and am living life with a brighter outlook." Now don't get it twisted, I still have times, days, weeks, even months that I wish this was not my life. There are things that I still do not want to deal with. Don't feel like I can handle dealing with them. Want things to just go away. Knowing these things, believe it or not, is growth for me. Being able to face life on life's terms is growth for me. Talking about my experiences over the last 2-3 years is growth for me.
Again, please leave a comment or email to let me know how I am doing. You know, do you find this blog interesting, boring, etc. You can leave your email and you will automatically be notified of new posts. If you are new, first time or two visiting my blog, please feel free to read past post to learn more about me and my experiences. Also, sorry once again for it being a few days since the last post, but we have had rainy weather all week and it has taken a while to get this one done. May God bless and keep you, may He protect and comfort you in whatever you are in need of.
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