Got to thinking that maybe some of you might what to know a little bit about me, so........
I am the youngest of four children, two brothers and one sister. Growing up, I always tried to be the center of attention at all the family gatherings or just where ever we were and there were lots of people. My mom has always said that I never met a stranger. It sometimes seems, when I meet someone for the first time, like I have known them my entire life.
Thinking back, I can see how my brothers and sister may have thought that I always got my way or what I wanted. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic family. By the time I was old enough to be able to get what I wanted, the disease of addiction already had a very firm grip on my family. (Note: those of you that know me, probably know who I am speaking of, but out of respect I am not saying who it is.)
As far back as I can remember, my siblings all seem to think I was spoiled. Now, I don't know why this is because I always felt like an outsider so to speak. That I had to prove myself. Guess that is why I use to talk louder and louder when we were at a family gathering and I wanted folks to look at me. Yes, I can look back today and admit that there were times I tried to be the center of attention. And there it begins, the core of my disease, self-centeredness. Never feeling like you "fit in" with anyone or anything. Not sure why I felt this way because I had friends that I did things with and spent time with.
They say that the disease of addiction can be inherited. That it goes from generation to generation. Maybe that explains my low self-esteem, my self-centeredness, feeling like I didn't fit. I truly believe that it could be something that I inherited from generations before me. On both sides of my family, mom and dad's, there were relatives that drank, gambled, and probably other things that are a part of the addictive behaviors. No idea, just know that "I" have the disease of addiction and I have to do things each day to keep it arrested.
Yes, I attend meetings and feel that there is no other way than to go to meetings on a regular basis. Some folks don't like going to the meetings because there can be triggers from other folks there. You must learn about the Fellowship and the workings for it to work for yourself. It is not a place that I go to discuss using, not at all. It is a place I can go and be "myself", a place that I feel I am not being judged on how I am dressed, how I look or what I do for a living. No one is better than anyone else, we are all the same. Addicts looking for answers to living today without using. Help with how to get through losing a job, finding a job, death of a loved one, and just anything that we don't want to face alone.
Because of the Fellowship and the "friends" I have made there, I never have to face life on life's terms by myself, if I don't want to. (Note: My mom told me many years ago, while I was in school, that I would have many friends that were just acquaintances, not true friends. That true friends were few and very far between. Today, I have 30 plus friends, true friends, not acquaintances. Folks that it does not matter what, where, how or why I need them, they are there for me. If the ones that I call on can not help me, they find someone that can and point me in their direction.
Some of this post has the same information that earlier post may have had, but those remarks bare repeating because they are true statements in their own right. Plus, I am so full of gratitude that I can't stop myself from letting you know what a wonderful life I have now.
So, back to me.......
I never really did anything as I was growing up, except drinking. Like most teenagers, I drank to try to "fit in". Never really liked it and was always mindful that a drink could trigger the disease of addiction because it was in the family. I was an average student in school. Had the friends I hung out with. Never really dated until I met the man I married. We were married a month after I finished school. We have a wonderful, beautiful, and special daughter together. She is my blessing and I love her with every ounce of my being. Our marriage ended short of seven years together.
It was just me and my daughter for several years. Still, at this time, not dating any at all. As I was at work one day, this guy came into the store and he looked like someone I should know, but could not place him. We began to talk and he was someone that I had gone to school with. He was a year younger than me and may explain why he looked familiar but did remember his name. We did date for a while and after some time he asked me to marry him and I did.
He had a son that was just a little older than my daughter and we decided that we would not have any children because of the two we already had. We wanted to be able to afford things that they may want to do or have. My life then was so stressful, it is a wonder that I didn't start using then, but I didn't. Our marriage lasted a few years and it ended in a way that no one could ever imagine. Being held at gun point is something I pray will never happen to any one, because all I could think of was my daughter. It is really hard, I think, for someone to try and put themselves in my shoes, at that time there was no turning back. My marriage was over. I was utterly confused by his actions and can only thank God for getting me through it alive. (No need to ask anything about this one...what I have said is all there is to say.)
It was when that marriage ended that I began a life that would drag me so far from my roots that I did not know who I was any more, this was not an accident. No one made me do it. I actively sought out and began using. A choice of my own free will that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life! No, drinking did not trigger that sleeping demon inside of me, my using did and when it awoke, I was lost. For many years, I struggled. Knew I needed to stop but could not. There was a time toward the end that I did stop for a short period. But that demon is cunning and it raised it's evil head once again after almost 3 years. This time my journey was short. The demon took me down so fast that I didn't want to live or die.
All it took was a simple prayer, "God, please show me Your will for me and the power to carry it out." And He did. God touched my life, gave me the strength to say "Help me please, I can't do this by myself." Fortunately my family responded. They aided in getting me somewhere that I could find myself, the real me. Not that monster I had become.
I entered treatment. There I would learn why I did the things I did, what was going on inside of me, how to keep that demon locked up, arrested and at bay. They gave me the tools to ask for help, to be honest no matter what, to humble myself and to be able to say "I can't do this by myself." Treatment introduced the Fellowship to me. That was the "medicine" I had needed all those years of fighting. Not knowing why I did this or how do I stop doing this?
There began my life in recovery. There is no need to know what I did as far as using goes. All that matters is I am getting the help I so needed and I am living "my life" today. I am no longer following that demon.
Again, there are just things that it does not matter as to what, where, why or how, just that it happened. The names and identification of some people are also not needed just that they were who they were and I was who I was during that part of my life.
I have moved on from that young lady with the extremely low self-esteem. Afraid of not "fitting" in anywhere or with anyone. That women that thought "I've got this and I can handle it." I have moved on from those days that I could not take care of myself, from the pain, from the mistrust, from not being able to express myself, from being almost totally illiterate, to the person today that is trustworthy, has integrity, can say exactly what, how and why I feel the way I do. To the person today that can stand alone, in front of people, some known others unknown and read or speak in a manner in which you almost cannot tell I ever shuddered from the thought of being in front of folks all alone. They are "family", the known and unknown. They know from whence I came. They have empathy for me and others like me. They want me to succeed in all that I do.
They are my "friends", not acquaintances, that tell me the truth no matter what.
Thank God for each of them from New York City to Dayton Beach, I love and truly appreciate each and everyone of you that I have met and those that I am waiting to meet when it is time. Thank you God for doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
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