5 Years Ago, By Grace...

Before I start, please understand that this is in no way me wanting to be looked at as being self-centered, superior, or anything of that nature.  I am only sharing my experiences in life in hopes that someone else will be able to understand that they too deserves God's grace and love.  If I can do that by sharing my life experiences, then this blog is worth every moment I spend writing it.

I want you to close your eyes and imagine you are in a strange place and you really don't know anyone or anything about where you are at.  This place is scary, dark, frightening, and you are there alone.  Now, you know what it is like for someone in active addiction.  I have been in this place before and by God's grace, He reached me and lifted me up out of the pits of hell and loved me and He guides me today in His will not my own.

I can remember times, in active addiction, when I would lay in my bed and pray, beg for God to kill me.  'Take me now and release me from this horrible life' has been a prayer that I have said many many times in active addiction.  I thought that I just wanted to die.  That dying was my only hope for happiness, from the bondage that I was in, the only way for me to be free.  Not many can relate to this, but if you have ever been in a place in your life that you thought dying was the best option you had, then you know some of what it is like being in active addiction.

When I first turned to drugs, I had been married and divorced twice.  Had a daughter.  Lived life and at one point I truly loved the person I was and the life that I had.   But after my second divorce and being in a car accident that allowed me to be introduced to the thought of being able to 'get outside myself, numb myself', I began to sink into this 'pit' of low self esteem.  Feelings of not being 'good enough', 'pretty enough',  'smart enough', among the many feelings that I started having.  It seemed as if everything that I have ever wanted in my life had been given to me and it seemed that every part that I touched became sour and bitter.  I felt my whole entire being crushed but waves and waves of self-doubt, self-centeredness, very, very low self-esteem.

For years, I felt that everything good in my life, I had turned it into bad. That every happiness I had, had been striped away from me.  That I was a failure at every aspect of my life and that I was doomed to live life as a bitter, angry, scared person who would never know happiness again.  So, feeling so low and unloved, unwanted, I turned to drugs.  Something that would make the pain stop.  Make the hurt go away.  Something to help me not to feel again for feeling things seem to always go wrong for me.

Describing this to you brings back so many memories and brings tears to my eyes to know that this is where I came from.  This is where God reached me.  This is the place that God poured His love and grace on me. This is where that grace pulled me from the gates of hell.  Only by His grace am I able to look back and be so over run with gratitude that tears run down my face each time I remember this as it happened in my life.  

Five (5) years ago today, God pulled me up out of the mess I had put myself in and showered me with His grace for me.  He began a process of healing, changing, making anew the person He had always envisioned me to be.  He took me from the hell I was living and has shown me what TRUE living is.  What it truly means for His will to be done in my life and not my own.

I would have never imagined that my life would be what it is today.  I am happier, freer, loved more than mere words can express.  God is good and so very loving and gracious.  My gratitude is never ending, always flowing and running in the directions that God deems fit.  Who knew that I would be standing in front of people just like me and sharing with them where it is that I come from.  Where it is that God's grace and love have taken me and lead me this day.

No, you don't have to be an addict to understand any of these things I speak of.  You only need to know that many understand where this place is that I was.  You need only to know the hell yourself are living through or with.  I learned, after 3 years of being clean that the DRUGS were NOT the problem...I WAS and AM the problem!  Let me say that again 'the DOPE was/is not the problem, I WAS and still AM sometimes today'.

Never in the past 5 years have I never been honest as to what I have done, how I lived and how I have been blessed.  Most folks that really know me and some that don't, know that I am a recovering addict.  That I speak of my journey in hopes that one person will hear and understand just enough to know that they too can receive God's grace.  There is nothing that could ever make me trade God's grace for anything in this world ever again.

No, I cannot do things that I once could do.  I am no longer able to work a full time job.  No longer able to garden or play softball.  No longer able to enjoy many of the things that I once enjoyed and what I thought made me who I was.  Ever since I was in that car accident my life has been transformed into a life I never ever would have dreamed of.  And just so no one says, no the dope left no physical restrains on me, a blessing in it's self for there are many things that could have happened due to the type of drugs I used.  This, too is only by God's grace that my physical problems were in the works right after the car accident took place.

Five years ago I was given a chance that many addicts get but do not accept.  I am humbled by knowing that not all addicts are meant to get it. The sad reality of addiction is that some must die in order for others to understand what is waiting for them.  There are many times I can remember and thought to myself 'I should have died because of that' but I didn't.  I have searched and prayed much over the past 5 years as to why this was.  Why did God shower His grace on me?  The only answer I have is that others are meant to hear my history.  To hear my life on life's terms today.  To hear what I have done and learn what it is I do today for my peace, joyous and free living.

It is, I truly feel, meant for others that have addictions, struggles and just plain ole bad days in their life to learn of my journey.  To learn where it was I came from and where it is that I am going today.  To learn that you can walk beside God and allow His will in their life as I do today.  To learn how to become humble, honest, accepting, trusting, and so many other spiritual principles so that their life can be joyous and free.

Yes, today is a milestone for me.  5 years since I got clean, got back some sanity.  Received God's gift of His grace for me.  Began a journey that I will be on for the rest of my life.  Found others just like me.  Found folks that truly care for me as me and not for some under laying reason.  I find others hungry to learn what it is I have done to be where I am at today.

And yet all this is my journey and mine alone.  No one else can walk this path for me nor would I want them to.  Today, on this 5 year milestone, I still understand that doing the next right thing for the next right reason is what will sustain me on this journey.  Sometimes things are not pleasant to have to experience but I must, to grow and continue on my journey.

To those of you that read my blog each time I post, please share this website with others, maybe on your Facebook or Twitter accounts.  I think that there is a lot of information that someone may need and if you share with others maybe others can find recovery too.  Thank you to those that read and support me in publishing this blog.  I never would have dreamed 5 years ago that I, of all people, be writing a blog that others read and enjoy and learn from.  Thank you so much for this.

"HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!"

As Time Goes By...

As time goes by, for me, there have been many changes that have occurred in my life.  As I sit and look back over the past few years, man, what changes there have been in me and in the world.  This is dedicated to the one, or many, that feel like life is not fair, or that they don't fit in.  That they will never be free from the pain and depression that they feel they are in on a daily basis.  I hope, and I pray, that you can find or just get a little hope, love and compassion in this post...

Alive, free, and loving myself more and more each passing day.  There have been so many changes in my life over the last  four to five years that I sit and reflect back on the changes more and more each day.  The family, friends, relationships that have grown, started anew and yes sadly, some are gone forever.  But there is still joy, love and hope in my heart that I say thank you God for all you have given and removed from me, for without your grace and mercy I would not be here, as I am, today.  It is only by His grace that I have been given another chance at life.  It is only by His mercy that I have the ability to see the changes that I need to make and His strength allows me to make those changes.

Change is not easy for anyone.  The fear of the unknown affects us all to a certain degree.  Even if we know it or not, the changes that we embrace are some what easier to face.  As long as I keep God in the forefront, those changes are not as bad as I as think they are going to be.  Now, there are times when those changes are difficult, but with God at my side, I can face whatever I need to or have to.

As stated on the page "About Me", you can get a little understanding of where it is that I come from.  Almost five years ago, my life changed.  Something inside of me started fighting me to get out.  Out of the cage that I had locked it away in so long ago, me.  Yes, me.  Events in my life that I didn't want to face or own up to I pushed and stuffed way down deep inside and locked it all up.  And now, that is the beauty in recovery, I am set free!

Free to feel what I need or have to feel.  Go through whatever I must go through.  Today, I can do this.  Through working on myself and things that I had stuffed, I can free myself and be who I am suppose to be.  Not who you need or want me to be.  But who I truly am.  I have learned that it is okay to feel happy, sad or any feeling that may come along.  And with these feelings come responsibilities as to what I do with them today.  Instead of stuffing and locking it all away, I deal with whatever comes down the pipe.  Head up and full speed ahead.

Some may say 'she is just wanting people to look at her, to look at what she has accomplished, she is so full of herself' and so on.  And they are all correct.  But that is just human nature.  If they were to take just a minute or two to look at the 'whole' picture, maybe they could see that I am not boasting or bragging.  I am only sharing my experiences, the strength that I gained going through and the hope that someone somewhere can look at me and say 'she did this or that and got through it okay, then so can I'.

In these almost five years I have lost everything.  How you may ask?  The night that I made the decision to enter recovery I lost everything, or at least that is what it felt like.  I had hit rock bottom with no way of escape.  The only thing I could do was ask for help.  The hardest thing anyone can do at any point of time in their lives is ask for help.  But yes I let every guard I had put up down.  Every wall that I had built fell.  I was broken, felt hopeless and unworthy of anything or anyone.  Let me tell you that is the hardest and scariest place to be in life.  Naked, exposed for everyone to see you, me.  The 'REAL' me.

But as time goes by, I see, I realize, I understand that all that I went through was needed.  It was all necessary for me to be able to live life and enjoy the ups and experience the downs.  It was all worth letting folks in and letting them see the real me.  My masks are all off and discarded.  With God's help, praying they never return.  Today, I can truly and honestly say I love myself.  I am worthy and I do deserve better.  Deserve to be happy, loved, in love, and all those things and more.

I have seen a lot and lived a lot in my 49 years.  Today I can say that I am grateful for each and every one of the experiences I have had to face and am facing today.  I love my life and I love myself.  And as simple as it sounds that was what I needed to learn to be able to grow and help others, to love myself.  That was the first relationship that I broke and it was the first one I had, above all others, to fix.  Through God's love, mercy and grace I have been able to do that and to help others do the same.

Yes, as time goes by, we must cherish everything for what it is and everyone for who they are.  Love them.  Nourish them.  Being present for someone else just because.

Recovery from anything, not just dope or alcohol, is out there.  All you have to do is ask for it.  Yup!  it's that simple.  Ask someone for help and if they can't, don't want to or whatever, continue to ask as someone some day will hear you and then say okay.  We can do this.  You don't have to do this all on your own.  There is help out there, you just have to find it for yourself.  That is when the growing starts.  What your foundation is started and built upon.

Today, no matter what it is that you may be going through or are having to face, you can do it.  All you have to do is ask.  There are many resources listed on the 'resource page' on this blog.  And if  you don't know what or who to ask, ask me.  Maybe I can at least point you in the right direction.  Sometimes that's all we need.  Just to be pointed in the right direction.

If you take nothing from this, please take this one thing:  There is grace and mercy that God has for you.  You just have to accept it from Him for He has already given it to you.

May you have a wonderfully blessed day!  And remember no matter who you are or what you have done, someone out there loves you.  If no one but me, you have one person that loves you and sometimes that's all it takes.

God bless and remember, as time goes by it is up to you to decide if there will be any growth.  It is all about the choices you have and what you do with those choices.

Much love and respect to you all...

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changed...

WOW!!  It has been a while since I wrote anything.  And before I start, I want to give thanks and praise to God for doing for me, mom and dad what we could not do for ourselves.  Being ever so mindful that He is in control and all I need to do is let Him have it all.  Keep my hands off of it, do the next right thing for the right reason and blessings do happen.  Now, so much has been going on this year, that it kinda seems unreal.  From mom having a broken back to dad being sick since the first week in July and they still cannot find out why!?!  So many thoughts running through my head, I just couldn't pin point one subject long enough to write about it.  For that reason, this post may be all over the place, but that has been life this year, everything all over the place!!

Ending 2013, my parents and I went to Memphis to see my niece marry.  Beautiful service and very spiritual.  (I did do a post on it, check the archives).  Beautiful scenery going and coming home.  After we finally got back home, mom scheduled an appointment with the doctor about her back.  This was the latter part of the first week in January to mid January.  After xrays and a ct scan, she was told that the last vertebra in her back was fractured, this was toward the end of February..  So, she basically was in the bed for the first 3 to 4 months for it to heal.  In that time, she developed gout, sinus infection and severe acid reflux.  But she was able to get through it all.  Unfortunately she did not get to go on the April trip to see my Little Miss.  However, she did get well enough to make it to Little Miss' first birthday party.  Which, by the way, was wonderful and fun.

Now this was all before the first part of July.  The trip to Greenville NC for the birthday party was made around the 12th of July.  Mom and I spent some time in Greenville so that we could have time to visit with my daughter and her family.  Then mom and I went down to the beach for a brief vacation of sorts.  It was very relaxing and peaceful time.  Mom was feeling much better and I had time to just 'do nothing'.

When we returned home the following weekend from our trip, we learned that dad had been sick just about the entire time we were gone.  He had not said a word to anyone about what was going on until he was continuing to go to the bathroom every 30 - 45 minutes.  Finally, he told mom what was going on and my sister started calling doctors to see what we needed to do to stop this constant diarrhea.  Appointments were made, tests were scheduled and still, they have not found what is causing this.  Many prayers asked and many continue to pray for dad.  He has not been able to go to the ballgames (baseball and football) this entire year.  Not as bad as he was but still not much better.

As  for me, this year has been tough.  My fibromyalgia continues to flare and stay flared up all year.  Rainy days make me feel like a zombie walking around.  My hands, feet, back and neck are the worst of it all.  Plus my body itself is changing as I grow older.  Menopause, I believe, has come to stay.  I have had to work and search in order to continue to receive my medicines that are just so high cost, I have no way of paying for them  But that appears to be worked out at this time.

Also, I have been waiting on a court date for my disability hearing and finally got word that we had a court date in August.  And on September 24. I received the decision in the mail.  I got very nervous.  My hands were shaking so it was hard to open the letter, part in fear that it was another denial and part joy for it may say 'approved'.   Finally being able to get it open, I looked for the page that would have the decision on it...'FULLY FAVORABLE'!!!  I began to cry and it scared mom for she just knew I was once again denied.  With tears running down my face and hands still shaking, I handed mom the letter and asked 'Does that say what I think it says?'  Mom looked and I could tell she was reading the letter.  I didn't care what the letter itself said, only concern I had is that I had read those two words correctly!!  She stopped and said 'if you mean the fully favorable', you did read it right.

God is so good!!  As I stated at the beginning of this post, turn it 'ALL' over to Him and the blessings do come.  Maybe not in the form we most prefer but how He intends on them to be.  And yes, just for today that is okay in my book.  No, I still am having flare ups of my fibro.  Dad is still not well and mom is having other health issues with her blood thinner.  But none of that really matters.  No it really doesn't matter what we are having to go through for your entire life will be spent 'going through stuff'.  Whether it be good, bad or indifferent, we all will go through 'stuff' our entire lives.  What does matter and it really, really, does matter, is what we do, or how we are, when we get through it.  There should be growth from the process of 'going through' and getting to the others side.  No matter what, no matter how we go through, what matters is when we get to the other side of it, what do we do with it.then.  That's all.  Yes, it is that simple.  We, being human, make it so complicated that we lose sight on what really matters at times.

There is always, always, something making us go through changes in our lives.  And if we don't change, even just a little bit, from going through, sorry to say that same thing maybe in a bit different form, will continue to test us until, hopefully, we get it and grow from it.  This is one thing, the most important thing, I feel I have learned by being in a 12 step program.  That life will and does show up.  Thing is, am I going to show up or show out when it does happen.  And no, we sometimes have to go through it over and over again because it is just plain old human nature that makes us hard headed and resistance to change.  No body likes change.  But that is exactly what has to happen to get through life one day at a time.

As I stated, we are still going through a lot this year, me, mom and dad.    And I know God is working on us for some reason.  For a purpose that we cannot yet see or understand, but yet I know in my heart that this is true.  So, I will remain still until I know what to do, if anything.  I will remain obedient and teachable.  Open minded and willing until the time comes for me to obey but live my life making my choices and praying that it is God's will working in my life and not my own.  It is only by His grace and love that I am even here, alive, being able to make choices, enjoy my granddaughter and enjoy life in general as best I can.  No I am not and will not ever be prefect.  That is not my goal in life.  That is not what I strive for.  To be obedient and willing to be what God wants me to be.  And I know that He wants me to be the best that I can.

Happiness is a choice I make each day.  Some days are better than others.  But it is those 'others' that make the better ones that much better.  In my book God is the only one perfect and I strive to be more like Him, made in His likeness.  No, I do not strive to be like Him, I strive to be what He will have me to be.

So I think the road ahead will be hard, full of obstacles, and tests.  There are still things that need to be changed, in my life, my family's life and in the world we live in.  I shutter to think of what our world is being and has become.  We are so far from what God wants us to be and yet does anyone really care that much?  The people that are in the position to make decisions that are earth shattering, decisions that are the hardest to make but the easy ones also seem to be undoable.  I have witnessed good and bad changes from the people that make up our government.  So sad to see my country, America, in the shape she is in today.

Are there others that feel this way?  Maybe you feel everything is okey dokey in your world, but I really doubt there are many that feel that way.  What can you do about it?  Pray, pray and pray some more.  Search your heart and see what God would do, for it is His will that we all should seek in this life.  Yes, I know we have all heard this before, difference now, what are YOU going to do?  What does God have in store for YOU today?  For me, there are too many YOU's and not enough WE:s.  Maybe YOU can't change things but WE can.  I feel 100% sure about that.  I alone cannot do much but WE together can move mountains as long as God is leading our way.  As long as WE do what God's will for us may be, WE can change.

Change ourselves, others and the world.  WE can make a difference.  We make a difference everyday individually, yes we do but if you stop and think about it, break it down, did you really do that alone??  Not if you have God in your life.  WE, is always, always so much better than I.

So, as I close and yes this is going to end at some point, is God in your life?  Have you accepted Him as Lord and Savior?  Do you allow Him to work in your life?  Do you do what you think God's will is for you?  Or, do you just sit back and complain?  Saying, nothing good ever happens to me?  If this is you or at the very least, if this makes you stop and think, then maybe these are things that you feel.  Only you can change and grow as God would have you do.  Only you can say that over and over again every day.  Only you, it started with you and God when you were born.  It will end with God in control, will you be there beside Him?  Fighting for His namesake?

I will...just sayin'...