Addiction, A Mental Disorder?

Those of you that read my blog on a regular basis, thank you so much, you know, I hope, that I try to do some type research on each topic that my posts are about.  This one is no different.  Please remember that I am writing as if all were my experiences.  Some are and some are not.  In recovery, I have learned that the only person I can control and get recovery for is me.  No one else can do it for me, as I can not do it for anyone else.

There have been posts and in 'About Me', where I have tried to briefly explain my health issues.  Physically and mentally.  Having done more, I think, on my physical.  I want to explore the subject of mental disorders and drug abuse.  How they tie in together, if so how, why?  I in no way am trying to 'counsel' someone or do I feel the need to give advice as to handle some one's mental stance.  I am not handing out 'free advice', just want to explore the subject of mental disorders and drug abuse.

Let me start by saying that 'all facts' are public record and can be used to raise awareness, without written permission to use and reprint.  It all can be pulled up on the Internet.

So, with that, I would like to look and explore mental disorders and drug abuse.  Is there a connection between the two, mental disorders and drug abuse?  Does drug abuse cause mental disorders?  Does treatment of mental disorders lead to drug abuse?  What are some of the common mental disorders associated with drug abuse?

Drug abuse 'IS' a mental disorder in and of itself.  The obsessive-compulsive desire that pushes to more use or the need felt to 'get one more hit'.  Lets look at the mental disorders, their definition and just how many people suffer from each disorder along with their drug abuse.  Again, these are facts that are published publicly and have no copyrights to obtain for their use to educate and raise awareness.

Many chronic drug abusers often also suffer from a serious mental disorder.  These addicts may be referred to as co-occurring or dual diagnosis.  Chronic drug abuse is the habitual abuse of licit and /or illicit drugs to the extent that the abuser substantially injures a person's health or substantially interferes with their social and/or economic functions.  Lost the power of self-control over the use of drugs.

Mental disorders common among chronic drug abuser's are schizophrenic, bipolar, and anxiety disorders (PTSD, ADHD, panic, etc.)  Schizophrenic, also called dementia praecox.  This is a severe mental disorder that affect 2.4 million chronic drug abusers.  This characterized by, but not all, emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, delusions and hallucinations.  Bipolar is characterized by periods of manic alternating with periods of depression.   This disorders affects approximately 5.7 million chronic drug abusers.  Someone who suffers from being bipolar also has interspersed with relatively long intervals of normal mood.  The anxiety disorders makeup approximately 40 million chronic drug abusers.

People who are treated for mental disorders are at an increased risk of becoming a chronic drug abuser.  The same can be said about the chronic drug abuser, that are at an increased risk of developing some type of mental disorder in addition to the drug abuse.  Partly because drug abuse is a mental disorder in itself.  Chronic drug abuse and serious mental disorders may exist completely independently of one another.  They can be treated.  Researchers are looking for the most effective way to treat chronic drug abuse with mental disorders and if treating them together at the same time will lead to better recovery.  At  present they are mainly treated separately.  Many are sent back and forth from drug abuse and mental health settings.

One reason to touch on this subject is because I, myself, suffer from mental disorders.  PTSD (post-traumatic Stress Disorder) and generalized anxiety.  PTSD can occur after having seen or experienced a traumatic event that has involved the threat of injury or death.  Generalized anxiety is having an apprehension not linked to a specific cause or situation.  My experience is that PTSD and anxiety are like my drug addiction, I can be treated for them but I can never be cured from them.

My mental disorders stem from events in my life growing up and events that took place during my second marriage.  I have been held at gunpoint with no way out.  Trapped.  God is good, for He saved me and has allowed me the ability to share my experiences with others, here in this blog and in my personal life as well.  It takes time to work through events and situations to try to understand what and why somethings happened. What was my part in those situations and how I can learn or be taught how to deal with the mental disorders when they flare up.  I have learned 'tools' to use when I find myself experiencing some of the signs of my mental disorders including my addiction.

At times I can be on top of my addiction and disorders and can see the behaviors start that are connected to my disorders.  Unfortunately, there are times that I have no warning signs at all and am thrown into 'crazy mode', as I call it.  Luckily, my family and close friends understand my mental health issues and they are there to help me through the difficult times.  I, still to this day, have to work at keeping my addiction arrested and to cope with the mental disorders.  As researchers are trying to find ways and means to deal with the drug addiction and mental disorders separately and together, I must do my best to keep them arrested for now.  That is not always an easy task, but we all have to do the best that we can on a daily basis and try to learn from others and our own mistakes.

The credit must be given where credit is due.  The treatment facility that helped me detox and taught me how to work on myself and my addiction.  Also, the facility that I attended on an out-patient status after coming home from the drug treatment facility.  They have taught me many tools to work with for my addiction and mental disorders.  To my family, who have been by my side since day one of this new life of mine.  And to the people that are part of my 12 step program, without those people and most of all my sponsor,I know I would not have made it this far in my recovery.  And let me not forget all the folks out there that are supporting this blog.  You make it so that I want to continue to share awareness and information for anyone needing it.

As always, "Thank You" for your time and any comments you may want to leave.  If you would like to start receiving my blog when new posts are added, please register as a member or fill out the email info at the bottom.  Don't forget the Resource page as there are lots of information there for those that are searching for help for themselves and/or loved ones.

Thank you again, I truly love and appreciate each of you for your continuing support.  God bless  you all....

What Do I Do Now???

Addicts, or people in general, all have "defects of character" that I was referring to in my last post.  Acting out on those defects can and do hurt people, our loved ones, friends, family, and anyone and everyone that we come into contact with when acting out on our defects.  As I stated 'everyone' not just addicts act out from time to time on their defects.

In active addiction, we or I, sorry had to keep it on me, didn't care who I hurt.  I really could not see that I was hurting anyone including myself.  Didn't realize that I was leaving a very destructive path behind me as a result of acting out.  And we all have destruction in our lives that we have created because of our defects and acting out on them.  It is said that 'if the people that needed a program were in the program, then there would not be enough space for them all.  As addicts, working a program, we have a tendency to look at others faults and not our own.  Again, not just addicts have these defects of character, everyone does. One more important thing, we all need to stop and think about our actions, our words and the reasoning behind what we do or say to others or about others.

"I'm not hurting anyone by using."  This statement is said more times by people in active addiction and people that live a destructive life or life style.  What do we do about the harm we have caused to ourselves and others?  We sit down, as we are in recovery now, and list everyone and anyone we have harmed.  No matter how we harmed them, we put them on the list.  We put ourselves on that list also.

"I haven't done harm to myself.  That's crazy!"  Is it crazy?  Look at what you have put yourself through just to keep your using a secret.  As addicts we lie, cheat, steal, manipulate people and situations to our advantage if we can.  We need, in order to grow and continue moving forward in our recovery process, to know what we did and to whom we did it.  Why we did what we did and how to try to amend that wrong and make things right with that person or business.

Yes, you read that correctly, we have to make amends to those who we have harmed in order to go forward as long as we can do our amends with out causing more destruction, without hurting others or ourselves more.  Some of the people or places we list to make amends to may be persons no longer with us.  They have passed on, businesses have shut down.  We cannot dwell on these amends or beat ourselves up over them.  We need to try and ask forgiveness and do our best not to act out again causing more harm, adding to that list.

Addressing making amends and ridding yourself from resentments are necessary to move forward.  Recovery has shown me, in my process, how to make amends, who to make verbal amends to, who to make living amends to (living amends is living with a correction in my attitude and life) and to whom I may have thought I needed to make an amend, but after discussion with my sponsor, going over events, there were some that I didn't need to make amends to.  These were actually resentments that I had and I have to work through those resentments.

In my process, I have had to make some amends.  Everyone has them.  I just need to discuss with my sponsor as to who and for what you need to amend.  As I go further in my recovery, I have had to make verbal amends to some people.  Verbal amends are when you actually tell the person face to face, one on one that you are sorry for whatever you did or said and how you plan to stand by this amend in order for it not to happen again.

So, I not only have to know what exactly I am making amends for but what my plan will be to ensure the event or same situation does not happen again with that person or someone else.  As I said I have to know the exact nature of my wrongs.  And I cannot just say "I'm sorry."  No, I have to apologize for exactly what it was I did wrong to the person or persons.  How I plan to change to help prevent it from happening again.

Some amends, as you will learn, are made just by the way you live your life today, the way I live my life today.  These are 'living amends'.  I don't physically go to the person I have harmed and make my amends, I make a 'living amends' by doing exactly what it says:  LIVING.  Changing the way I live and what it is I am living for.  In addiction , you live for the drug and/or the lifestyle.  In recovery, I live to stay clean.  I live to give what has so freely been given to me.  I live so that others may live also.  I live to help show that addicts can recover, change, and find a way of life.

Working through my resentments can be hard.  Resentment means bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.  I have to understand what it is or who it is that I have a resentment toward and for what.  Why do I have resentments, sometimes filled with anger?  Again, everyone has them at some point in their lives.  When I work on a resentment, I try to understand what the feelings are behind these resentments and hopefully will uncover the main reason I have each resentment.

Talking with my sponsor and working the 12 step program like it has been suggested to me to do.  I mean, I try my very best to apply what others in recovery suggest I do.  My life has changed a great deal over the past, almost, 3 years.  I am not the same as I was when I had that last 'night'.  Not the same as when I walked into treatment, when I walked out of treatment and I am not the same each time I go and come from my 12 step program.  I am proud of the person I am becoming.  I am proud that I am able to help others that may not be able to help themselves.  When I have feelings, I need to feel them, but also try to understand why I feel the way I do.

Because of my program and the forward progress that I have made, it is very hard sometimes to practice the spiritual principles in all affairs.  Again, we all have defects!  Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it before you say it to anyone.  I have to play 'the tape' all the way to the end.  Life on lifes terms are at times hard for people. I  have to understand that my actions, words, and so on affects others.  If I want people to treat me the way I want to be treated, then I must treat them the way they want to be treated.

I cannot work anyone's recovery but my own.  I work it on a day to day basis.  I have a network of women that I call from time to time for their experience, strength and hope.  They are all always very helpful in their suggestions.  If I don't follow the suggestions given to me, my whole world will be in chaos day and night.

Once again, "Thank You" so much for the support you give to my blog.  It is appreciated more than you know.  Register and receive an email for each new post or signup to receive an email for new posts.  Leave comments so I will know that I am doing a good job.

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Defects of Character, We All Have Them...

Defects of character?  Yes, everyone has them.  Some more than others.  Some just know how to deal with them better when they raise their ugly heads.  We all have defects and assets of character.  Those defects are  like anger, low self-esteem, self-centeredness, ego, arrogance, guilt, and the list goes on and on.

In recovery, I have learned a lot about my defects of character and my assets.  I work hard on those defects but they can cause chaos and drama in my life when there really isn't any.  It is just my defects showing up and making me think things or do things that are uncalled for.  For me, the biggest thing about my defects are learning when and when not to act on them.

That is what makes it a defect.  If I do act out it is in a very negative way and normally causes some kind of problem and then more defects show up and I act out more.  I have tried to talk about the principles that I try to practice in my life today.  Those same principles are some of the assets I have and tools that I use to work on my defects.

Like anger.  It is okay to feel anger, but another thing to act on it in a negative way.  Thinking that 'someone'
caused you to get angry is really not true.  You and you alone decided what or how you feel about different things, situations.  No one can make you feel or do anything that you don't want to do or feel.  Now it is okay to feel anger at times because, let's face it, we do get angry from time to time.  But how we process that anger is the big thing.

You can process defects in a negative way, but that seems to only make that situation more difficult to handle.  With anger, we get angry when things don't go the way we want, we can't have what we want when we want it.  That was always a big defect that I acted out on in active addiction, wanting when I wanted it and not being able to have it.  I would want things (drugs) but due to no one having any, had no money to buy it or had no way to get to where it was would always make me angry.  Ranting and raving like a crazy person.  Saying things that I should not say.  Acting as if the entire world should just stop because I needed a fix and could not get it. Biting peoples heads off, cursing people, or just having a very bad attitude in general. These were some of the ways that I acted out on my defects.  Not to nice, huh?

Now I realize what a huge mistake acting that way was.  No one made me bite someone's head off for no good reason.  No one deserves to be cursed out for something they cannot control.  No one should have to put up with someone else walking around like the entire world owed them something,  I did this to myself.  I chose to act out like this.  I chose to be mad and angry at everyone and anyone.

That is unhealthy anger, but I do have the right to get upset when someone does something directly toward me and anger is the emotion that anyone would have.  No one should be allowed to walk over someone.  They should not say things about someone they don't know and that person is hurt by what is said.  This is healthy anger when we respond to negative things or situation of this nature.  So, I think it is safe to say that defects of character can also be assets of character.

As an addict, I can now see how each of my defects played a role in my everyday life.  It affected how I acted around others.  It affected what others thought about me.  When I act out on defects it affects everyone and everything in my life.  They could have even gotten me killed in active addiction.

Why?  Because when I was using I had the attitude that I was important.  You don't talk to me like I am a dog.  You don't treat me like I am just some bum trying to get one over on you.  You don't tell me what I can and cannot do.  See all the negative in these few statements?  But I still acted out on my defects everyday that I was using.  It did not matter if I had a right to act out as no one has the 'right' to act out, but you do have a right to protect or defend yourself when the defect you are feeling is actually an assets at that time and not a defect.

Today, yes I get angry.  Yes I have guilty feelings.  My ego gets so big sometimes I think how do you hold your own head up.  Self-centeredness is when it is all about me.  Feeling all these different emotions, my character, good or bad, is hard at times.  There are times when a defect can just slip right up on me before I know it and I have to do some more apologizing because of the harm that I have caused someone else.

I have learned and am still learning healthy ways to use my defects and try and turn them into assets instead.  Today I have been able to earn respect from others, why?  I first respect myself.  I am a real person with real feelings.  I have integrity today simply because I do what I say I am going to do.  My self-esteem is much better than it ever has been.  I like myself, no I love myself today and I want to do what is necessary to continue helping those in addiction and those not in addiction.  As I stated at the beginning, defects are only defects when we act out in a negative way.

This is how I see growth in myself and in others.  I have a different mind set now.  I don't always have to be first, get what I want when I want it or get it at all.  I don't have to be the center of attention just to make me feel better about myself.  Today I am much more comfortable out of the spotlight.  Hanging on the sidelines and watching and helping others like I was helped early in my recovery.

I am understanding better everyday just how important my recovery is to me.  Equally important are others just like me.  Others not like me.  Everyone is basically as important as the next person.  This is nothing but growth in myself and acceptance of myself and the people and things around me.  And, yes here comes the principles of life.

Acceptance, tolerance, patience, faith, hope, trust, unconditional love, honesty, humility and so on.  With these principles and others I can learn to process my defects for what and how they are.  Some days it is very hard to find the principle behind the defect so that the defect does not eat me up from the inside out.  Some days are better than other.  I am not prefect and never will I claim to be that way.  No one is perfect.

So the next time one of those character defects decide to raise it's ugly head, what are you going to do?  Run it through a process to determine if it is a defect or an asset?  Whether to act out on it or not?  How have I grown from having that asset or defect and knowing what I should do with it?  It is 'YOUR' choice.  No one else's.

If you are still in active addiction, a lot of your choices are being made for you and there are a lot of the decisions that you will never know about until one day, pop! there it is!  What am I going to do now?  I don't have any choice today.  I have to do things I don't want to.  I have to act in a way that I have to in order to make it through.

Life is hard and active addiction makes it that much harder.  No in active addiction you have no choices.  But that is a choice you made yourself at some point and time.  It is my hope and prayer that if just one person reads this and it helps them, I have done what I want to.  If someone that is in active addiction or just starting their recovery reads this and it helps them, then just that much better.

As always, please leave a comment if you like.  If you are in need of some type of help, my resource page may be of help.  Thank you again for all those that support this blog by just reading it and understanding better how my life is today.  I am still growing and learning, those are great things.

Much love and respect to all...