Defects of character? Yes, everyone has them. Some more than others. Some just know how to deal with them better when they raise their ugly heads. We all have defects and assets of character. Those defects are like anger, low self-esteem, self-centeredness, ego, arrogance, guilt, and the list goes on and on.
In recovery, I have learned a lot about my defects of character and my assets. I work hard on those defects but they can cause chaos and drama in my life when there really isn't any. It is just my defects showing up and making me think things or do things that are uncalled for. For me, the biggest thing about my defects are learning when and when not to act on them.
That is what makes it a defect. If I do act out it is in a very negative way and normally causes some kind of problem and then more defects show up and I act out more. I have tried to talk about the principles that I try to practice in my life today. Those same principles are some of the assets I have and tools that I use to work on my defects.
Like anger. It is okay to feel anger, but another thing to act on it in a negative way. Thinking that 'someone'
caused you to get angry is really not true. You and you alone decided what or how you feel about different things, situations. No one can make you feel or do anything that you don't want to do or feel. Now it is okay to feel anger at times because, let's face it, we do get angry from time to time. But how we process that anger is the big thing.
You can process defects in a negative way, but that seems to only make that situation more difficult to handle. With anger, we get angry when things don't go the way we want, we can't have what we want when we want it. That was always a big defect that I acted out on in active addiction, wanting when I wanted it and not being able to have it. I would want things (drugs) but due to no one having any, had no money to buy it or had no way to get to where it was would always make me angry. Ranting and raving like a crazy person. Saying things that I should not say. Acting as if the entire world should just stop because I needed a fix and could not get it. Biting peoples heads off, cursing people, or just having a very bad attitude in general. These were some of the ways that I acted out on my defects. Not to nice, huh?
Now I realize what a huge mistake acting that way was. No one made me bite someone's head off for no good reason. No one deserves to be cursed out for something they cannot control. No one should have to put up with someone else walking around like the entire world owed them something, I did this to myself. I chose to act out like this. I chose to be mad and angry at everyone and anyone.
That is unhealthy anger, but I do have the right to get upset when someone does something directly toward me and anger is the emotion that anyone would have. No one should be allowed to walk over someone. They should not say things about someone they don't know and that person is hurt by what is said. This is healthy anger when we respond to negative things or situation of this nature. So, I think it is safe to say that defects of character can also be assets of character.
As an addict, I can now see how each of my defects played a role in my everyday life. It affected how I acted around others. It affected what others thought about me. When I act out on defects it affects everyone and everything in my life. They could have even gotten me killed in active addiction.
Why? Because when I was using I had the attitude that I was important. You don't talk to me like I am a dog. You don't treat me like I am just some bum trying to get one over on you. You don't tell me what I can and cannot do. See all the negative in these few statements? But I still acted out on my defects everyday that I was using. It did not matter if I had a right to act out as no one has the 'right' to act out, but you do have a right to protect or defend yourself when the defect you are feeling is actually an assets at that time and not a defect.
Today, yes I get angry. Yes I have guilty feelings. My ego gets so big sometimes I think how do you hold your own head up. Self-centeredness is when it is all about me. Feeling all these different emotions, my character, good or bad, is hard at times. There are times when a defect can just slip right up on me before I know it and I have to do some more apologizing because of the harm that I have caused someone else.
I have learned and am still learning healthy ways to use my defects and try and turn them into assets instead. Today I have been able to earn respect from others, why? I first respect myself. I am a real person with real feelings. I have integrity today simply because I do what I say I am going to do. My self-esteem is much better than it ever has been. I like myself, no I love myself today and I want to do what is necessary to continue helping those in addiction and those not in addiction. As I stated at the beginning, defects are only defects when we act out in a negative way.
This is how I see growth in myself and in others. I have a different mind set now. I don't always have to be first, get what I want when I want it or get it at all. I don't have to be the center of attention just to make me feel better about myself. Today I am much more comfortable out of the spotlight. Hanging on the sidelines and watching and helping others like I was helped early in my recovery.
I am understanding better everyday just how important my recovery is to me. Equally important are others just like me. Others not like me. Everyone is basically as important as the next person. This is nothing but growth in myself and acceptance of myself and the people and things around me. And, yes here comes the principles of life.
Acceptance, tolerance, patience, faith, hope, trust, unconditional love, honesty, humility and so on. With these principles and others I can learn to process my defects for what and how they are. Some days it is very hard to find the principle behind the defect so that the defect does not eat me up from the inside out. Some days are better than other. I am not prefect and never will I claim to be that way. No one is perfect.
So the next time one of those character defects decide to raise it's ugly head, what are you going to do? Run it through a process to determine if it is a defect or an asset? Whether to act out on it or not? How have I grown from having that asset or defect and knowing what I should do with it? It is 'YOUR' choice. No one else's.
If you are still in active addiction, a lot of your choices are being made for you and there are a lot of the decisions that you will never know about until one day, pop! there it is! What am I going to do now? I don't have any choice today. I have to do things I don't want to. I have to act in a way that I have to in order to make it through.
Life is hard and active addiction makes it that much harder. No in active addiction you have no choices. But that is a choice you made yourself at some point and time. It is my hope and prayer that if just one person reads this and it helps them, I have done what I want to. If someone that is in active addiction or just starting their recovery reads this and it helps them, then just that much better.
As always, please leave a comment if you like. If you are in need of some type of help, my resource page may be of help. Thank you again for all those that support this blog by just reading it and understanding better how my life is today. I am still growing and learning, those are great things.
Much love and respect to all...
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