Children Are Precious…

As I sit here reflecting over the years of my life, a smile always comes to my face when I think of my daughter.  She is celebrating her 27th birthday today.  Plus, she and her husband are expecting their first child in a few weeks.  It is just hard to believe sometimes that all this is happening.  She should still be my little girl.  I know in a sense she is, but she has grown up into this beautiful, intelligent woman.  A woman that knows what she wants in life and how to get it.  She is strong, bright, and loving.  I know, just because she’s my daughter doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have flaws.  I’m sure she does, but they are minor compare to the attitude she has about life.

This time, just right before her birthday, my mind will start to wonder back on how she has grown.  The accomplishments she has and the direction her life is headed.  It always brings tears to my eyes to know that my child is so unselfish, caring, loving and giving of herself to others.  I have so much gratitude for the life she lives today.

She has not had an easy road to ride on.  There have been many obstacles along the way.  She has faced them, learned from them and moved on past them.  That is what I am talking about.  I was not always there for her as I should have been.  There has been another lady that has help to mold my daughter into the woman she is today and for that I am grateful.  Understand that due to my addiction, I could not care for myself, much less care for my daughter.

God is good!!  The three of us understand the others roles and the parts we play in each others lives.  My daughter has been so very blessed and for that I am grateful.  The things that I could not do for her, God laid a path for her to follow and she still follows today.  With God as her guide she can not go wrong.

She is a teacher and loves her students as if they were her own.  She lives for the time that she has with them.  Helping them, guiding them and caring for their well being and their future.  She does everything in her power to teach her students in their studies in order for them to have the grades to graduate from high school.  With the passion she has how can anyone not adore her?  How can anyone not appreciate her and her talents?

And please don’t misunderstand, I say these things because they are true, not because I am her mother. 
Well, some because I am her mother, but more than that she is this person I have described to you.  If you know her, you love her.  If you don’t know her, maybe one day you will have the chance and if that day should ever come take the chance.  She has taught me so much about life, love and myself.  She is such a blessing to me and all that she touches.

When I think of her becoming a mother, I just fill up.  My emotions take over and tears flow down my face.  Not from sadness, but from over abundant love and pride.  Knowing that she is going to be the greatest mom any child could ask for.  She has the conviction that a soon to be mom needs.  The conviction to be the best mother a child could ask for.  Just as strong as her conviction to be the best wife she can to the love of her life.

They both are starting on a path that they both feel strongly about and are excited about the new adventures ahead of them.  Both new at this parenting thing but willing to do what it will take to nourish and teach this child the rights from the wrongs, love from hate, joy from sadness.  Together in this, on this new path they will conquer mountains, the ups and downs that come with this new job.  Bold, bright and daring, together they will work hand in hand so that their child can have a life filled with love, affection and a strong sense of security.

This is what I want for my child and her family.  Thank you God for allowing me to be a part of this woman’s life and for the chance to have someone call me ‘mom’.  Thank you for the gift that you have blessed her with and a chance to hear ‘grandma’ from another.  Dear Lord, please keep them in your care and shower you blessing over them abundantly.  May it be Your will for them to have wonderful experiences of parenting.

Today, the day of her birth, may it be a day to remember and cherish in her life.  May her experience as a parent be both fulfilling and rewarding.
Thank you God for letting me be her mother and for allowing her the same experience that is like no other…Happy Birthday Nicole, I love you Baby Girl!!!

To Make An Amends or Not…

 

Been doing a lot of meditating and praying on how to handle some feelings I felt when reading about a recovering addict and the relationship with their children.  I do have some experience, strength and hope on this subject and others have shared with me, so I think I will share…

In active addiction, I was only thinking of myself, no one else, not even my children.  I was and have always been a people pleaser.  Never wanted anyone to be mad or hate me.  Tried to make everyone happy even if I was or not.  Please understand that the following is a combination of my experience and others that have shared with me, even though it is written as my experience only.  I keep it all on me so others can relate…

When we are in active addiction, it is hard enough trying to care for ourselves much less our children.  Lots of times the children become the adults taking care of us.  I have heard, and at one point in my own recovery, what can I do to make my children understand what I was going through, that I do love and care about them, that they do mean something to me, and so on.  Most of the time the answer is not what we want to hear or believe but it is the truth as far as I am concerned.  Nothing, that’s right, nothing.

We can not make someone think this or that.  Feel this or that. And they cannot understand our mind set in active addiction unless they themselves have experienced it.  Yes, we love our children.  Yes, we did not always do right by them.  Yes, they do matter and mean something to us.  But, for this recovering addict anyway, there is only so much I can do to ‘fix’ things. 

First, I must understand that I cannot make them feel good, bad or indifferent about anything or anyone.  What I can do is not use no matter what.  Live my life as an example of trying to do the right thing for the right reason.  I don’t just need to ‘learn’ spiritual principals, I have to apply them to my life each and every day.  Keep my hands ‘off’ of what it is or who I am trying to fix.

As time goes on things get clearer to us and to the ones who hurt in active addiction.  We remember what things we did or didn’t do, how we treated someone, what things we did for ‘just one more.’  I cannot change the past nor the mistakes that I have made over the years.  I can only try to the best of my ability to do what is right now.  Live my life in a manner in which you can see the change.  Recovery is many things to me but most of all it is a great teacher.  There is so much to learn from others in recovery.  How to or how not to do things.  Coming to terms with myself and the damage I have done, I have to be willing and able to accept that there may never be a relationship where there once was.

Just because I got ‘clean’ does not mean that I am not the same selfish person I was in active addiction, it just means that I stopped using mind and/or mood altering drugs, including alcohol.  Once I entered into recovery, that is where the work on me began and continues to this day.  My children, loved ones will have to decide in their own time, not mine, how they feel about me.  How they want our relationship to grow or move forward or to not exist at all.  I understand today that I am not the only one I hurt in my using.  I have damaged and have destruction with most if not all the things and people that were in my life when I was using.

My addiction was my life.  There was no room for anything or anyone else.  And the funny thing is that I know exactly how I made folks feel because my father has been sober for over 30 years.  Addiction runs through both sides of my family.  I know first hand what it can do and what it does do and you cannot stop it or change it.  That is the hardest part for me, I know what my children have gone through because I have been there and done that.  Addiction strips you until there is nothing left, just a burned out hollow of a person that doesn’t live but only exist. 

My children grew up watching me get high.  Sometimes they even joined in drinking and partying.  Not at all proud of those times, actually I am sicken by the mere thought.  All I wanted to do once I entered into recovery, is make my children love me the way I wanted to be loved.  Soon I realized that it doesn’t work that way.  I must allow them to be where they are, feel what they need to feel, even if it means that they are no longer a part of my life, I must be able to accept the decision they make.  I cannot make it for them.  Prayer goes a long way in my recovery.

With out God in my life, steering my bus, I could still be  completely and utterly unattached with my recovery.  I must ask God what is His will for me and to please give me the power to carry in out, no matter what.  My children, family, loved ones and friends are going to feel how they feel about me regardless of what I might say to them.  The best, now this is just me, thing I can do is apologize for exactly what I have done where they each are concerned.  Live life as honestly and as truthful as I can and maybe in time the wounds will heal.  Thing can get better.  But I must remember that not everyone will be accepting of my amends.

My family is truly one like no other, for me anyway.  After all the lies and broken promises, I have one more chance to be honest, trustworthy, loved.  Today I can do those things and more.  I have been able to make it from one day to the next without the use of drugs or anyone.  Recovery has taught me that even though I have done things that are not so nice, I am not a bad person.  Just a person who has made bad decisions in their life.  I must change and I am happy to say I have changed.  I must allow my children and other family members to be where they are and allow them to process things at their own speed.

I know that for me as long as I do the next right thing for the right reason, every thing will be okay and as it should be.  I can only be responsible for myself and my actions, not someone else and their reactions.

I do hope you got something from this, that it made some kind of sense.  Amends are not easy to do.  But they are for me a necessary element in my recovery.  They keep me honest and open minded to new ideas and new possibilities.  I do my very best not to have any amends today, but there are those times that I do slip up and an amends is needed, so it is given.

Not everyone in your life will be forgiving, but some will.  For those that are not, do not get angry with them, remember it is because of your actions they feel the way they do and to protect themselves from hurt again.  For those that do accept an amends, do not make it just to save face, make it because you are truly sorry for you actions and you are willing to own those actions to see that it doesn’t happen again.  We all have defects of character that we need to work on even for folks that are not addicts.  Everyone has them, they may not know it or think they don’t but we all do and learning to work on them so they don’t show their ugly faces is a life long process, for me it is anyway…

Life on Life’s Terms…

 

Is it a great feeling when life shows up and you are not ready for it or have no idea what to do?  I can relate to life showing up.  Take for example my health.  I have fibromyalgia and a few other things that include solid edema and PTSD.  All these things and then the drug addiction.  Want to talk about life on life’s terms???  Okay, let’s….

With the illnesses that I have, I have to take medication on a timely schedule 4 times each day.  Now, nothing that I take at this time is narcotic, but that does not mean that I will never have to take narcotics.  It’s just that right now I don’t have to.  As each day passes, I sit and wonder what will I do if and when that day arrives.  For now, I just don’t think about it.  I have learned to not dwell on things that I have little or no control over.  The best thing I can do is what my doctor tells me to do and not to do.

Prayer and talking about these type things with another person also helps.  In active addiction, I never made a ‘good’ decision and in recovery I have learned to talk about things before I act on them.  Now, I am only human and I don’t work the ‘perfect program’ but I do work one.  As part of my program I talk to other recovering addicts about different things that happen in my life and in theirs.  That is how we learn about things in recovery by talking to each other about the events in our lives and how we handle them.  You see I don’t have to go through some things because others have already gone through them and I have learned how to get through and what to and what not to do.  And that is how recovery, attending a 12 step program is what I do for my recovery.

Over this past winter, I have had new issues arise in my health.  Being without health insurance and no income at this time, makes it hard to get the health care that I need when I need it.  If it were not for my mom and my sister I don’t know where I would be.  Knowing that RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) runs in my family, I am always a worry wart when I have new aches and pains that can be symptoms of RA.  You see I know that more than likely the pains that I have in my upper legs, arms and back are from the fibro.  But when my hands, feet, toes and fingers go to acting up more than normal, I get concerned.  Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup for the issues with my hands and feet seem to be getting worse.  Knowing that I should have gone months ago, I just could not get comfortable with what I ‘thought’ was wrong or going on.  So, about 2 weeks ago I went in for blood test and today had visit with my doctor to discuss my lab results.

To my happy surprise, labs, blood work reports were all good.  Now for me all good is not like most folks.  All good is that nothing ‘new’ seems to be happening and all my major organs seem to be functioning as they should.  Yes, fibromyalgia can affect major organs and the brain.  It seems that at this point mine is attacking my hands and feet.  My feet have been swollen since before I was diagnosed and now my hands stay swollen 24/7.  Have not been able to wear closed in shoes in about 3 years now.

My newest issues are stabbing pain, numbness and just overall soreness in my hands and feet.  And there you have the reason why ‘RA’ pops in my head.  Now, since I know that it is not RA, I can start trying to come to terms with what ‘is’ going on, my fibro is progressing.  Unfortunately, since the things in the medical world still have no specific cause for fibro, I fear that I will never be as I once was.  I have had to change my life style so much because of my addiction and now health issues that there are times I am not sure I am me.  Sounds crazy, yes, but for those of you out there that are in recovery, deal with health issues daily, I know you understand.

Trust me, I do know that my life would be a lot worse if I did not have God as number one.  He has had me in His hands for a long time.  Although I cannot work, have zero income, no insurance of any kind, I have what I need.  I sit and wonder, from time to time, what my life may be like if it were not for God’s presence, my mom, my sister, my daughter, my family and the family that I have made in my recovery.  I am so very blessed that I haven’t the words to express the amount of gratitude that I have.  God has provided for my every need and I know that He will continue to do so no matter what my health or financial issues may be.

Things are changing with my health and the medications that I use to cope one day to the next.  You see, I have been on a drug plan with the company that makes most of my medicines free of charge.  Now, they are going to be changing the way they do some of their meds and it appears that each one of mine will be affected.  Am I worried, I would be lying if I said no, so yes, I am a little bit concerned about this recent news.  But I know for a fact that as long as I continue to do God’s will for me, all will be well.

There are many of you out there that understand where it is that I come from.  I appreciate all the prayers, blessings and support you offer.  Without you, I know that things may be worse or at least somewhat harder to handle.  I pray for others everyday as I know they pray for me.  Prayer is a very powerful tool and one that I am proud to say I use daily, sometimes I think God may be tired of hearing me in one day and then I tell myself that He is smiling because He is happy to know that I, for one, do get it.

Again, thank you for your continued support and if you have a comment you would like to leave, you do not have to leave your name.  God bless you all and may your days be filled with joy and happiness.