Been doing a lot of meditating and praying on how to handle some feelings I felt when reading about a recovering addict and the relationship with their children. I do have some experience, strength and hope on this subject and others have shared with me, so I think I will share…
In active addiction, I was only thinking of myself, no one else, not even my children. I was and have always been a people pleaser. Never wanted anyone to be mad or hate me. Tried to make everyone happy even if I was or not. Please understand that the following is a combination of my experience and others that have shared with me, even though it is written as my experience only. I keep it all on me so others can relate…
When we are in active addiction, it is hard enough trying to care for ourselves much less our children. Lots of times the children become the adults taking care of us. I have heard, and at one point in my own recovery, what can I do to make my children understand what I was going through, that I do love and care about them, that they do mean something to me, and so on. Most of the time the answer is not what we want to hear or believe but it is the truth as far as I am concerned. Nothing, that’s right, nothing.
We can not make someone think this or that. Feel this or that. And they cannot understand our mind set in active addiction unless they themselves have experienced it. Yes, we love our children. Yes, we did not always do right by them. Yes, they do matter and mean something to us. But, for this recovering addict anyway, there is only so much I can do to ‘fix’ things.
First, I must understand that I cannot make them feel good, bad or indifferent about anything or anyone. What I can do is not use no matter what. Live my life as an example of trying to do the right thing for the right reason. I don’t just need to ‘learn’ spiritual principals, I have to apply them to my life each and every day. Keep my hands ‘off’ of what it is or who I am trying to fix.
As time goes on things get clearer to us and to the ones who hurt in active addiction. We remember what things we did or didn’t do, how we treated someone, what things we did for ‘just one more.’ I cannot change the past nor the mistakes that I have made over the years. I can only try to the best of my ability to do what is right now. Live my life in a manner in which you can see the change. Recovery is many things to me but most of all it is a great teacher. There is so much to learn from others in recovery. How to or how not to do things. Coming to terms with myself and the damage I have done, I have to be willing and able to accept that there may never be a relationship where there once was.
Just because I got ‘clean’ does not mean that I am not the same selfish person I was in active addiction, it just means that I stopped using mind and/or mood altering drugs, including alcohol. Once I entered into recovery, that is where the work on me began and continues to this day. My children, loved ones will have to decide in their own time, not mine, how they feel about me. How they want our relationship to grow or move forward or to not exist at all. I understand today that I am not the only one I hurt in my using. I have damaged and have destruction with most if not all the things and people that were in my life when I was using.
My addiction was my life. There was no room for anything or anyone else. And the funny thing is that I know exactly how I made folks feel because my father has been sober for over 30 years. Addiction runs through both sides of my family. I know first hand what it can do and what it does do and you cannot stop it or change it. That is the hardest part for me, I know what my children have gone through because I have been there and done that. Addiction strips you until there is nothing left, just a burned out hollow of a person that doesn’t live but only exist.
My children grew up watching me get high. Sometimes they even joined in drinking and partying. Not at all proud of those times, actually I am sicken by the mere thought. All I wanted to do once I entered into recovery, is make my children love me the way I wanted to be loved. Soon I realized that it doesn’t work that way. I must allow them to be where they are, feel what they need to feel, even if it means that they are no longer a part of my life, I must be able to accept the decision they make. I cannot make it for them. Prayer goes a long way in my recovery.
With out God in my life, steering my bus, I could still be completely and utterly unattached with my recovery. I must ask God what is His will for me and to please give me the power to carry in out, no matter what. My children, family, loved ones and friends are going to feel how they feel about me regardless of what I might say to them. The best, now this is just me, thing I can do is apologize for exactly what I have done where they each are concerned. Live life as honestly and as truthful as I can and maybe in time the wounds will heal. Thing can get better. But I must remember that not everyone will be accepting of my amends.
My family is truly one like no other, for me anyway. After all the lies and broken promises, I have one more chance to be honest, trustworthy, loved. Today I can do those things and more. I have been able to make it from one day to the next without the use of drugs or anyone. Recovery has taught me that even though I have done things that are not so nice, I am not a bad person. Just a person who has made bad decisions in their life. I must change and I am happy to say I have changed. I must allow my children and other family members to be where they are and allow them to process things at their own speed.
I know that for me as long as I do the next right thing for the right reason, every thing will be okay and as it should be. I can only be responsible for myself and my actions, not someone else and their reactions.
I do hope you got something from this, that it made some kind of sense. Amends are not easy to do. But they are for me a necessary element in my recovery. They keep me honest and open minded to new ideas and new possibilities. I do my very best not to have any amends today, but there are those times that I do slip up and an amends is needed, so it is given.
Not everyone in your life will be forgiving, but some will. For those that are not, do not get angry with them, remember it is because of your actions they feel the way they do and to protect themselves from hurt again. For those that do accept an amends, do not make it just to save face, make it because you are truly sorry for you actions and you are willing to own those actions to see that it doesn’t happen again. We all have defects of character that we need to work on even for folks that are not addicts. Everyone has them, they may not know it or think they don’t but we all do and learning to work on them so they don’t show their ugly faces is a life long process, for me it is anyway…
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