Voices In My Head

"You can do this.  Just get one and no one need know about it.  I'll keep your secret."  "Don't  you do that!  You know what happened the last time.  If you use, you will lose."  "No you won't!  Go ahead!  Just one, that's all you will do, just one!"  "If you pick that up you will regret it from just like before.  You will never be able to get a high like the first one!  You are heading down that same road that leads to death and destruction."

"Don't listen to that.  Remember when you and I were such good friends?  We could talk about anything.  Using is fun and I know you want to.  So, yea, go ahead, get that first one and the rest well..."  "Yes, well... listen to yourself.  Yea, you know where that first one is going to lead you.  And if you start down it, there is no guarantee I can stay and help you get back this time.  Please don't do this.  This is not going to make things better.  Call someone.  You don't need to look for that list you have, you put them all in your phone already!  So, please call someone.  Before you start this cycle all over again, don't take it from me, CALL SOMEONE!!!  See if they don't tell you the same thing.  If you use you will lose!!!"

"Everyone up there be quiet.  I can't hear myself think.  You guys go to it like cats and dogs.  This 'committee meeting' needs to come to an end.  Do you really thing I can do 'just one'?"  "Sure I do.  You are stronger than you use to be.  Go ahead.  What's the problem?"  "The problem is 'YOU'!  Lying to her like you 'always' do.  Acting as if you are going to be her friend.  As if she can really do just one.  Please, give me a freaking break."

"Listen, y'all need to shut up.  If you don't, I am going to go crazy if I'm not already! There!  Now just hush for just a moment or two.  I need to think about this."  "Think about what?  Are you kidding me."  "What is there to think about?  You know what happens when you use, you just get that one.  Thinking that you can do that and no more!  You think you will stop after 'that one'?  Seriously???

"Yea, I bet I can now.  I do have some 'clean time' under my belt.  I don't see how I will do more than 'just this one.  Right?"  Sure, just one won't kill you." . You don't need to listen to that other voice.  It is just trying to break you down, get you alone.  I am trying to help you down this road that is paved with guilt and remorse.  You cannot wake that beast inside you again.  It is so much stronger than you think it is.?

"You see it will, if you use, pop up like no demon you have ever faced..  Please don't do this.  Stop listening to him over there.  He, the disease wants you dead!!!"  "Hush, hush, quiet please.  You two get started and you just will not stop.  I know that the good side is correct in what it is telling me.  But the bad side makes things so 'sound' so easy."

"You can not do this.  You will get caught.  You will lose your family, forever.  You will tear down all the 'good' that you have built in this process, and for what???  Just so 'you' don't have to feel your feeling??  You  know that there is no way to do that.  Not now, not ever!!!  "Yea, you can too!  'trust' me.  It won't be like before.  No one need to know.  Just go ahead and do it.  Show them you can do one and be okay.  You've got some recovery and you can do this."

"Wait, wait, wait!  Hold on now.  It's been locked away for 3 years.  Do you really want to wake it up?  I know thoughts have crossed your mind.  You have been asking yourself for permission to use.  Well, you are not getting it.  I will continue to talk because one day you just might have to use some of what I am reminding you of now!"

"Please God, make these voices in my head stop or at least calm down.  God, I know I can't use anything or anybody without everything going to hell.  Please show me Your will for me.  I am still teachable and I want to stay clean.  My life, well, I have a life now.  I have people that trust me, depend on me, :LOVE me today.  Lord you know what is in my heart, well, in my mind too, 'the committee'!  You know the person I want to be.  You know the person I have become today.  Nothing else can compare to the abundance of love, warmth and serenity that only You can give.  God, I am trusting in you, I am listening to hear what is next in my life.  I am turning everything over to You, for YOU and only You can guide me to and on the path that is meant to be.  Thank you God for caring about me and caring for me.  You shower me with Your love daily, hourly, minute by minute.  You have forever changed me by Your grace and Your grace alone.  Thank you."

Well, the committee meeting is over for now.  I must stay on this path God has allowed me to find.  He has shown me that my experiences can help others.  That I can share openly and honestly so that someone, anyone, can relate and know that 'this too shall pass'...