Willingness

Willingness as defined by Webster's:  inclined, ready, without reluctance.  The willingness to change, to go to any lengths to help a still sick and suffering addict.

Early in recovery I had to ask myself, "Do I have the willingness to change?  To go to any lengths to fight this disease called addiction?  Am I ready?  Do I have any reluctance in doing this?"

Wait, what do you mean 'willingness to change'?  What do I have to change?  I just want to stop using.  To stop hurting.  And what do you mean 'go to any lengths'?  This sounds like a lot that I have to do.  "Am I willing to change, to go to any lengths to fight this?"

First let's examine the willingness to change.  When you say willingness to change, what exactly do you mean?  Are you willing to change the people that you associate with?  Places that you go where using is taking place?  To stop doing the things you do for that 'next one'?  Basically, for me, I had to be willing to change the places I went to hangout, people that I was hanging out with and the things I did in order to use and things I did when I used.  That is what 'going to any lengths' means.  Am I willing to do 'all the things' necessary to fight my disease of addiction?

When I ask myself these questions, I have to really look at what is going on in my life.  The friends, or so called friends, that are using too, that I hangout with, can I stop being around them?  Well, if I do that, who do I hangout with?  Are there people in my life that don't use.  But those are the people that don't know how to have fun!  Fun, yea I thought that was what I was doing, having fun.  I called running here and there, doing this and that, for what?  Just trying, do what was needed to get that 'next one'???  Man, how insane is that?

Why do I need to stop hanging out at the places I go to?  Aren't there other people there that are drinking and drugging?  Do I really believe that I can continue to go to these places and not use??!!  Okay, so there is another insane idea.  For me, there is no way that I can continue to go to these places, hangout with these so called 'friends' that are drinking and drugging.  I cannot continue to do the things I did to get that 'next hit', that 'next high', like lying, manipulating others, stealing and the list goes on.

In my recovery, I have to be ready, without reluctance to do 'all' that is necessary to arrest this disease of addiction!!  No one told me this was going to be easy.  No one told me that my life, in every aspect, had to change completely.  That is, no one told me that to have the willingness to change, I had to be ready to go to any lengths to stop using and live clean and sober until I reached out for help.  For answers as to why I was like I was and did the things I did, is the disease of addiction.  Once I entered recovery, I learned at a treatment facility where I was in detox and then rehab, that in order for me to stop using drugs, my entire life had to change.  And change it did!!!

First, I had to have the willingness to admit to myself and someone else that I had a problem and needed help.  Next, I had to be willing to do whatever was necessary to stop using.  That was one of the hardest parts.  I had used everyday.  It had gotten to the point where I didn't have to have a reason to use, I just did.  So, could I 'really' stop?

Everything in my life had gotten to the point of me feeling hopelessly lost to the disease of addiction.  When I stop and examine all areas of my life, I can see that I was an addict long before I ever stated using any dope.  I could see where that obsession and compulsion was present in my life long before there was any type of drug abuse.  Being very self-centered in most areas of my life.  I have always wanted things right now and the way I wanted them to be.  I had that hunger of the 'monster' inside of me and dope was actually the by-product of my disease.  After being unsuccessful at making everything about me, what I wanted, what I needed, I turned to drug use.  Thinking that I would be more fun, more exciting to be around, friendlier.  Thinking that the drinking and drugging would make things better.  I told myself I needed those things.  Told myself that I had failed at everything else I had ever tried in my life, drugs was the only thing left to do.  Surely I could use dope successfully, boy, was I wrong there too!!!  Yea, at first, I did really well in only using at certain times, for certain reasons, only when with certain people that I was hanging out with.  And those days went by so fast.  I no longer could decide when, where, or how I was going to use.  I just did it, whenever, wherever, however I could.  And, no, drug use was just one more thing in my life that I could not do successfully.

So, I had to decide what was it going to be?  Continue down the road that I was on, heading to jails, institutions and/or death or have the willingness to do what was necessary to stop using and learn how to live life on life's terms!  Obviously, I chose to enter into recovery.

I removed myself from the places I went to when using, stopped seeing people I used with or if I knew they used and stopped the things I did when using or to be able to use.  The lying and manipulating folks.  As the word 'willingness' means I wanted to go to any lengths to seek recovery.  I was ready, was without reluctance, inclined to stop using and change my way of life for good.

After becoming willing, I entered treatment and there I was put on a path, a road, if you will of recovery.  To a life that today is very much worth living.  I was taught and given the proper tools I needed to fight this disease called 'addiction'.  Given the proper tools to arrest and lock my 'monster' away.

Today, I do not have any contact with anyone from my active addiction days.  I no longer go to those places or do the things I did in active addiction.  When I finally had enough willingness to stop using the dope, I left.  Told no one that I used with or hung out with where I was going.  Only my family, a few close family friends and the man that I was working for at that time knew where I would be for a month and a half.

My appearance is what I like to think of as God's playing a trick on me.  For years, I had weighed the same, since the birth of my daughter.  My sister has always teased me about the 'fat fairy'.  The first 6 months after I came back home from treatment, I had to buy approximately 3-5 new wardrobes because of my weight gain.  You see, I gained about 40 pounds in treatment.  Then  when I got home, I gained about another 60 - 70 pounds.  So, just to help on the math here, I weighed about 140 pounds when entering treatment and 6 to 7 months after I was in treatment I weighed about 240 pounds give or take a few pounds.  Talk about change!!  That is a huge understatement!!  If anyone else had been as small as I was and then to, basically overnight, put on about 100 extra pounds, they would have had a mental breakdown.

But as I stated, I look at it as God's trick He has played on me.  (Now for those that do not know me, please, this is meant to be in fun as I know God has not and does not play tricks on folks.  That statement is for those of you who have no understanding of my humor in all this weight and hair change) Yes, I was getting to that.  My hair!  I first started to get gray hair when I was 18.  I, like most women, dyed it or kept it as close to my natural sandy blonde color as I could.  I wore it long, almost to the middle of my back.  About 2-3 months before I entered the treatment facility, I had decided and went to have my hair colored and cut short.  Remember, this was about 2-3 months before going to treatment and I was in treatment for about a month and a half...  Needless to say, my hair was about 3-5 different colors when I returned home from treatment and of course, had grown a great deal.

Okay!  So here is the picture of me after entering from treatment and living my life in recovery, I weighed 240 pounds instead of 140 and my hair, well you can see from the photo on the right, it ain't sandy blonde anymore.  Nor is it 3-5 different colors.  It is almost all gray.  I have seen people, in passing, that I knew in active addiction, they have no idea who I am until maybe I say something.  Then and only then, they may get a funny look on their face.  Look at me strangely.  And are floored when I say "Yea, it's me.  Changed just a little bit, don't you think?"

My before "Recovery" photo:

  My "In Recovery" photo:

Today, my life is worth living.  I am worth something, I do matter, I am important!  ( phrase from "The Help").  I am no longer a piece of crap on the bottom of someones shoe.  This is a one day at a time deal, but I love myself today and the life I live.  It is a life full of hope, gratitude, love, acceptance, and my list goes on and on.

I will never be able to express enough, I think, as to what recovery means to me and for me.  What it has done for me and what it is still doing today.  As long as I am willing to do what is necessary for my recovery and I continue to do the next right things for the right reasons, that is all I can do.

Willingness, as you can see, is a huge part of my life in recovery.  Without it, I have no doubt in my mind, I would be dead today.  My addiction took me places that I never want to return to nor do I wish that for anyone.

I think I will continue to practice this principle of willingness, along with other principles, as long as it remains a tool in my recovery.

Open Mindedness

Meaning, I feel, having the ability to look at all sides, open to new ideas, knowing that my way is not or may not be the only way something is.  Open to see or hear all possibilities.

This principle was hard for me at first in early recovery I think mainly because I didn't really know it's meaning or how I could be open minded.  Being told that in order for me to grow I had to become open minded.  Needed to understand that just because I have experienced things one way did not meant that they could only mean that or that was not the only way to have that experience.  I had to be willing to explore new ideas and thoughts.  See that it is okay to change.  Being open minded about a Higher Power, to the importance of spiritual principles and how they could work differently in my life.  Had to be open minded and research that religion and spiritual are not the same things, though many folks think that they are.

In recovery, they say "new ideas" cannot be grafted onto a closed mind.  By being open minded to new things, new ideas, I can see and learn how life should be.  Learn new and/or better ways to express myself, communicate with others, deal with everyday situations, and have a true relationship with my Higher Power.  Growing in all areas of my life.

Being open minded helps me to become a responsible member of society.  To take care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have mentioned before about my health issues.  If I were not open to new ideas, I would not be where I am physically today.  Yes, I hurt everyday.  Some more than others, but everyday.  Some days so bad that I can't get out of bed or I in no way want anyone to touch or hug me.  Yes, getting hugs does hurt.  Being open minded gives me the chance to see new ways of doing things physically, as to not put such a strain on my body.  It has allowed me to see that I do need to see a doctor on a regular basis.  That I have to accept (see, there is that acceptance working) that I will always hurt and need medications to  help control or lessen my pain some of the time.

I have to be open minded to accept that others may not be where I am at in my recovery.  They may not have a program at all.  I have come to understand that's okay.  Everyone doesn't have to be in the same place.  Because of this we all have different experiences we can share and see that there are other ways of thinking and doing things.

Recovery, for me, is a process and it is subject to revision all the time.  A good example of my being open minded is I have always said that I had to become selfish in my recovery.  That it has to come first before anything else.  A fellow addict pointed out to me that the 12 step program that I am in is not a selfish program but a "selfless" program.  If I were not open minded, I would not be able to hear and listen to what they had to say and then process that information.  Yes, they are correct in that my program is a 'selfless' program, but I myself, have to be selfish in how I work my program.  I, and this is just for me, have to put my recovery before people, places and things in my life.  If I don't, then I could lose all that I have gained and anything new that is to be learned.  I would have a closed mind and that does not work in my process of recovery.  So, yes, this 12 step program is not a selfish program in and of itself but a selfless program.  I am the one that is being selfish, but that is the only way I know to work my recovery and continue to grow and learn.

Open mindedness has taught me a lot.  It has afforded me with the ability to see and look at new, exciting ideas and how they can work in my life.  It has allowed me to accept others even if we do not agree in all ways.  I now understand that everyone has a right to their own ideas and beliefs even if I do not agree.  It does not  necessarily mean that they are wrong and I am right.  Or they are right and I am wrong.  Just open yourself to the possibility of "what if?"

Open mindedness gives me the added ability to see someone else point of view.  How they may have come to the conclusion they did.  It does not mean that I agree with them, only that I can understand their side.  It gives me the ability to understand that my way may not always be the best way.  Having a closed mind stops my growth, I can become stagnate, unbending to change.  Unwilling to listen to others that have "been there, done that".  A closed mind will only make me sicker and in the end put me right back out there to die.  You will keep getting what you have always gotten if you keep doing the same things you have always done.  You  have to change, I have to change from being close minded to having an open mind.

The disease of addiction wants us, addicts, dead!  In my mind, this is clear cut, no if, and's or buts about it.  If I do not change, nothing will change around me.  I have to be mindful of all things I do.  How I interact with others.  How what I do may affect someone else.  Things that I say and how I say them.  There are so many reasons that having an open mind will help.  For me, I have to use the spiritual principles everyday of my life in everything that I do in my life.

I hope that as I post these principles that I practice on a daily basis in my life that you will be able to see how they all can work together.  I hope that if you are unsure if you are an addict or if you know you are an addict, that my post will help you to see somethings more clearly.  That they will help anyone that reads them to understand a little something about the disease of addiction.  That an addict can be helped if they want it.  Family, friends, people you work with, they all can get a better understanding of how an addict's mind works.  What may work for them to help those still sick and suffering.  Yes, addiction is a disease.  It is progressive, incurable and can be fatal.  Please, if there are questions, look at the resource page to find someone or place that may be able to help if I cannot.  If I can reach just one addict out there.  That they know there is a better way of life.  That they, too, can get a daily reprieve from active addiction if they want it.  They have to ask and want what there is to offer.  They must be willing to take that first step, as hard as it is, and admit, "Yes, I am an addict and I need help!"

Honesty

Honesty defined as truthful, free from deception, genuine, creditable, marked by integrity, honorable, real, and the list goes on.  To me, this is what everyone wants and expects from others.  "Honesty is the best policy."  A statement, I know, that all have said at one time or another.  Can you be "too" honest?

In active addiction, lying came easy.  I lied to most everyone that I came in contact with.  I lied to get what I wanted, needed and didn't think twice about it.  Even if I really didn't need to lie, I still did.  Lying became a big part of my life in the end.

Like any other addict, I thought I "really" knew how to lie to anyone about anything anytime or anyplace.  Seriously, I thought I had it going on.  That I could lie to this person and to the next and the next person.  Thinking that if one talked to the other, my lies would match up and work.  That way I could continue with whatever I was doing or wanted to do.  I was what is called a "habitual liar".

It was so amazing and wonderful, the feeling I got from telling the truth.  When I entered recovery, I knew my lying days were gone forever and I really did mean that.  I had and have no reason to lie now.  I am a very honest person. Almost to a fault.  I have learned in recovery that you can be honest without letting so much be known that it will hurt you.  Have been told more than once that I am "too" honest.  That I don't have to tell everything.  Honesty is such a wonderful tool and makes life so much easier than lying.

At the first of this post, I listed what honesty is or how it is defined.  There is so much freedom, I feel, in being honest today.  People still at times think or ask, "Are you lying?".  I have to say "No, I have no reason what so ever to lie to anyone or about anything today."

At first, in the early days of my recovery, I was brutally honest.  I took it, being honest that is, to an extreme level.  Had to learn and am still learning how to be honest without really hurting someone else's feelings.  To begin with, I thought okay, don't ask unless you really want to know.  Still feel that way but I am softer in my honesty today.  For example, in early recovery, if someone I was talking to said "I don't know why no one trust me now!  I did my jail time for boosting beer from stores.  I'm not that same person."  My response was "Do you hear yourself?  Do you seriously believe the words coming out of your mouth?  Yes, you did  "just" get out from doing jail time for stealing and you really think people are suppose to just trust you like "that"??!!   You are going to have to earn peoples trust back.  Just because you did your time for the crimes does not automatically make you an honest person now!  We all, in recovery and working a program, have had to "earn" folks trust back."  Now I should not have been so harsh.  Instead, I should have reacted by saying "Well, it is just going to take some time for people to start trusting us again.  For all of us, in recovery, have lied so much and so many times for such a long period of time, that we have to first get in the habit of telling the truth and the trust of our honesty will be restored in folks.  But there are those few that will never trust us again and we have to accept that."  You see, the second reaction was more comforting and not nearly as harsh as the first.

There will always be someone somewhere that is not going to trust you for whatever reason.  But you should still be honest about things.  It is difficult to be honest to someone that you care about because you just don't want to hurt their feelings.  I have found that if I am honest, even just enough to not tarnish my integrity, that's okay.  Maybe sometime in the future I will get the opportunity to explain further why I feel or said what I did.

If you are in recovery, working a program, if you are not honest with yourself then who can you be honest with?  In order for you to have the growth that is needed in recovery, you must be honest with yourself and one other person.  Until you can do this, you will remain complacent and risk relapsing.  I'm sorry but that is not an option for this addict.  Honesty is first and foremost in my program.  I have people that I trust and I am trusted by people today.  Some trust me that I thought I would never under any circumstances could I gain their trust but I have been able to do just that.

There are many ways that you can show and exhibit your honesty to people.  Ways that you can show that you have gained some integrity.  If you say you will do something, then do it.  If you are needed to share your true feelings then do it.  What do you have to lose?  Nothing is my answer to that question.  Why or what do I have that makes me think I need to lie about anything?  Nothing!  Ask me most anything and you will get an honest answer.  Now, I am not as harsh as I was.  I have realized that others have feelings too, and may not really understanding all that is going on.  It is not normal for an addict to tell the truth.  Lying has been mainly to keep us in active addiction.  Lying to yourself can and will put you right back out there using.

Have you ever just sat down and thought about the things you did in active addiction?  How in the world were we able to survive?  How were most of us able to continue using under certain circumstances?  Why were we not dead or locked up for life?  We lied our way in and out of any and every thing we could.  For me, I would sit around and go over and over and over different ideas of how things could turn out or would go.  Looking at the positive and negative of each idea.  Playing the parts of all the people that would or could be involved.  Wheels always turning, never stopping.  That is part of my disease.  It will make me obsessive over things.  So, if or when things happened I would be ready for a response to make it look normal and be one step ahead.  Keeping myself safe, out of trouble, out of the lime light.  There was nothing honest about any of it.

So, with honesty now a part of my life and part of the principles that I do my best to practice, I move forward in my recovery.  I will be posting more on the principles that I am still learning and applying into my life.  No one promised that this was going to be easy but it is so much easier than using.  The only thing that I have been promised in recovery is that I can stop using, lose the desire to use, and learn a new way of life.

One thing that I do to help me continue to be honest in all that I do, is to put myself in the others place.  How would I feel if it happened to me?  If everyone would do this I really don't think there would be to many folks out there lying.  But we all know that probably will never happen.  The only thing we, I, can hope for is to at least try everyday to treat others as I want them to treat me.  Yea, that does sound somewhat like something else I learned, you probably did too, when I was younger.  The "Golden Rule" do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Even in active addiction I really did try to do this everyday.  Yes, I fell short lots of days, but today, I hit the nail on the head most days.

Life is great and is just getting better day by day.  I live in the moment.  Have learned to enjoy even the smallest things in life.  To take the good with the bad and make a positive out of them.  I have "Hope, Surrender, Acceptance and Honesty".  So far, all of these principles play a large part of my life everyday.  They have helped make me the person I am today.  I am happy today.  I am just me and I love me today.


(*Please note that I have added a "Resource" page to my blog.  List of helpful organizations, programs and other recovering addicts blogs.  If there is something or place or person you feel needs to be added, please send me an email with information and I will try to add them.  Thanks to all of you for your continued support of me and my recovery.  I really do appreciate each and every person that has had anything to do with my recovery.  Thank you so very much!!*)