Early in recovery I had to ask myself, "Do I have the willingness to change? To go to any lengths to fight this disease called addiction? Am I ready? Do I have any reluctance in doing this?"
Wait, what do you mean 'willingness to change'? What do I have to change? I just want to stop using. To stop hurting. And what do you mean 'go to any lengths'? This sounds like a lot that I have to do. "Am I willing to change, to go to any lengths to fight this?"
First let's examine the willingness to change. When you say willingness to change, what exactly do you mean? Are you willing to change the people that you associate with? Places that you go where using is taking place? To stop doing the things you do for that 'next one'? Basically, for me, I had to be willing to change the places I went to hangout, people that I was hanging out with and the things I did in order to use and things I did when I used. That is what 'going to any lengths' means. Am I willing to do 'all the things' necessary to fight my disease of addiction?
When I ask myself these questions, I have to really look at what is going on in my life. The friends, or so called friends, that are using too, that I hangout with, can I stop being around them? Well, if I do that, who do I hangout with? Are there people in my life that don't use. But those are the people that don't know how to have fun! Fun, yea I thought that was what I was doing, having fun. I called running here and there, doing this and that, for what? Just trying, do what was needed to get that 'next one'??? Man, how insane is that?
Why do I need to stop hanging out at the places I go to? Aren't there other people there that are drinking and drugging? Do I really believe that I can continue to go to these places and not use??!! Okay, so there is another insane idea. For me, there is no way that I can continue to go to these places, hangout with these so called 'friends' that are drinking and drugging. I cannot continue to do the things I did to get that 'next hit', that 'next high', like lying, manipulating others, stealing and the list goes on.
In my recovery, I have to be ready, without reluctance to do 'all' that is necessary to arrest this disease of addiction!! No one told me this was going to be easy. No one told me that my life, in every aspect, had to change completely. That is, no one told me that to have the willingness to change, I had to be ready to go to any lengths to stop using and live clean and sober until I reached out for help. For answers as to why I was like I was and did the things I did, is the disease of addiction. Once I entered recovery, I learned at a treatment facility where I was in detox and then rehab, that in order for me to stop using drugs, my entire life had to change. And change it did!!!
First, I had to have the willingness to admit to myself and someone else that I had a problem and needed help. Next, I had to be willing to do whatever was necessary to stop using. That was one of the hardest parts. I had used everyday. It had gotten to the point where I didn't have to have a reason to use, I just did. So, could I 'really' stop?
Everything in my life had gotten to the point of me feeling hopelessly lost to the disease of addiction. When I stop and examine all areas of my life, I can see that I was an addict long before I ever stated using any dope. I could see where that obsession and compulsion was present in my life long before there was any type of drug abuse. Being very self-centered in most areas of my life. I have always wanted things right now and the way I wanted them to be. I had that hunger of the 'monster' inside of me and dope was actually the by-product of my disease. After being unsuccessful at making everything about me, what I wanted, what I needed, I turned to drug use. Thinking that I would be more fun, more exciting to be around, friendlier. Thinking that the drinking and drugging would make things better. I told myself I needed those things. Told myself that I had failed at everything else I had ever tried in my life, drugs was the only thing left to do. Surely I could use dope successfully, boy, was I wrong there too!!! Yea, at first, I did really well in only using at certain times, for certain reasons, only when with certain people that I was hanging out with. And those days went by so fast. I no longer could decide when, where, or how I was going to use. I just did it, whenever, wherever, however I could. And, no, drug use was just one more thing in my life that I could not do successfully.
So, I had to decide what was it going to be? Continue down the road that I was on, heading to jails, institutions and/or death or have the willingness to do what was necessary to stop using and learn how to live life on life's terms! Obviously, I chose to enter into recovery.
I removed myself from the places I went to when using, stopped seeing people I used with or if I knew they used and stopped the things I did when using or to be able to use. The lying and manipulating folks. As the word 'willingness' means I wanted to go to any lengths to seek recovery. I was ready, was without reluctance, inclined to stop using and change my way of life for good.
After becoming willing, I entered treatment and there I was put on a path, a road, if you will of recovery. To a life that today is very much worth living. I was taught and given the proper tools I needed to fight this disease called 'addiction'. Given the proper tools to arrest and lock my 'monster' away.
Today, I do not have any contact with anyone from my active addiction days. I no longer go to those places or do the things I did in active addiction. When I finally had enough willingness to stop using the dope, I left. Told no one that I used with or hung out with where I was going. Only my family, a few close family friends and the man that I was working for at that time knew where I would be for a month and a half.
My appearance is what I like to think of as God's playing a trick on me. For years, I had weighed the same, since the birth of my daughter. My sister has always teased me about the 'fat fairy'. The first 6 months after I came back home from treatment, I had to buy approximately 3-5 new wardrobes because of my weight gain. You see, I gained about 40 pounds in treatment. Then when I got home, I gained about another 60 - 70 pounds. So, just to help on the math here, I weighed about 140 pounds when entering treatment and 6 to 7 months after I was in treatment I weighed about 240 pounds give or take a few pounds. Talk about change!! That is a huge understatement!! If anyone else had been as small as I was and then to, basically overnight, put on about 100 extra pounds, they would have had a mental breakdown.
But as I stated, I look at it as God's trick He has played on me. (Now for those that do not know me, please, this is meant to be in fun as I know God has not and does not play tricks on folks. That statement is for those of you who have no understanding of my humor in all this weight and hair change) Yes, I was getting to that. My hair! I first started to get gray hair when I was 18. I, like most women, dyed it or kept it as close to my natural sandy blonde color as I could. I wore it long, almost to the middle of my back. About 2-3 months before I entered the treatment facility, I had decided and went to have my hair colored and cut short. Remember, this was about 2-3 months before going to treatment and I was in treatment for about a month and a half... Needless to say, my hair was about 3-5 different colors when I returned home from treatment and of course, had grown a great deal.
Okay! So here is the picture of me after entering from treatment and living my life in recovery, I weighed 240 pounds instead of 140 and my hair, well you can see from the photo on the right, it ain't sandy blonde anymore. Nor is it 3-5 different colors. It is almost all gray. I have seen people, in passing, that I knew in active addiction, they have no idea who I am until maybe I say something. Then and only then, they may get a funny look on their face. Look at me strangely. And are floored when I say "Yea, it's me. Changed just a little bit, don't you think?"
My before "Recovery" photo:
My "In Recovery" photo:
Today, my life is worth living. I am worth something, I do matter, I am important! ( phrase from "The Help"). I am no longer a piece of crap on the bottom of someones shoe. This is a one day at a time deal, but I love myself today and the life I live. It is a life full of hope, gratitude, love, acceptance, and my list goes on and on.
I will never be able to express enough, I think, as to what recovery means to me and for me. What it has done for me and what it is still doing today. As long as I am willing to do what is necessary for my recovery and I continue to do the next right things for the right reasons, that is all I can do.
Willingness, as you can see, is a huge part of my life in recovery. Without it, I have no doubt in my mind, I would be dead today. My addiction took me places that I never want to return to nor do I wish that for anyone.
I think I will continue to practice this principle of willingness, along with other principles, as long as it remains a tool in my recovery.
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