Growing Day by Day...

Moving along in my process of recovery, I can see the growth I have had.  Still have lots to work on and learn, but have changed a great deal from how I was when I entered into recovery.  You hear all kinds of sayings in recovery 'fake it til you make it', 'don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle', 'more will be revealed', 'keep coming back', 'it works if you work it', and others.

When I first started in my recovery process I had no idea what any of these meant or even why they were said.  Today, I can say I understand better what and why we have these sayings.  As you, or I grow in recovery, we begin to get clarity on things and life in general.  As I starting living day to day without using, my body slowly got rid of the drugs.  As the level of the drugs in my system lowered I became more in touch with what was really happening and knew that if I did not change I would lose my life.

I say to folks that I was lucky and I was.  I found recovery.  But I was saying I was lucky because I was much older than most when my addiction took complete control over my life.  I had been married.  Had a child and knew what being 'a responsible member of society' was.  I never in a million years thought my life would go to some of the places it took me.  Hanging out with people that carried guns and some that were just plain mean.  Some I thought were friends!  Crazy I know, but I did.  My disease had me and it had me good.  Those people cared nothing whatsoever for me, only about what I could do for them and if I had money or not.

Self-esteem, there was none.  Confidence, none.  Self-respect, none. And others, I had none of these things.  For some reason I lost all of any of them that I had.  How?  I don't know.  All I know is one day they were there, however little they were, they were there.  Then gone.  As if in the blink of an eye, gone.  What happened?  Where did they all go?  These are questions that I have found some answers for.  I threw them all away.  I did it to myself.  I know a lot of addicts want to blame someone or something else other than themselves, but truth be told we all made the choices that took all these things and more away from us.  And until any addict realizes that "they" did these things to themselves, they cannot begin to recover.

Recovery has taught me that I am responsible for all my acts, thoughts, what I say and how I say it.  How I live today.  How I treat people around me, in and out of my life.  It has taught me that while I may have done bad things, I am not a bad person.  I have a disease that is incurable, fatal, cunning and wants me dead.  I have a disease that when I am not looking it will get into areas of my life and then turn so unmanageable is such a short time it is not even funny.

Recovery has to be worked on and at 24/7.  Why you may ask, because my disease is running 24/7.  Just waiting on a chance, no matter how small, to take control and run with it.  I will never be "cured" from the disease of addiction.  I can only arrest it and do what is needed, daily, to keep it arrested.  I have character defects that I have to work on daily.  That is where my disease hides.  Just waiting and waiting on the day that I may not be working on a defect but my disease will and it will show it's ugly head.  So, I must, no matter what, work on myself and my defects on a daily basis or risk relapse back to the disease of addiction.

Relapse is a part of recovery.  Someone said it best the other night when they said "If I am not moving forward in my recovery then I am going backwards and that will lead to a relapse."  I so understand where this person was coming from.  I have to pray and ask for help.  Pray for the ability not to act out on my defects.  And those times that I slip and do act out, I have to pray that God helps me to see that and make amends as soon as possible to that person.  I have to continue to work on me in order not to relapse.  My program has to be strong and alive in my life everyday 24/7.

Just because I had lived 'life on life's terms' did not keep me from falling into active addiction.  And let me tell you that was not my plan.  I thought I could do this or a little of that to stop my physical and mental pain. Never did I think about becoming addicted.  Knowing addiction runs in my family, both sides.  I still played with fire until I got burnt and was really in pain from there on out.  A pain that I can never and will never forget.  Reminding myself of the pain and of my life in addiction helps to keep me in recovery.  Seeing people coming into recovery from active addiction, helps keep me in recovery.  They show me that nothing has changed in the drug world.  If anything it is so much worse than when I was using I cannot bear the thought of relapsing today.

My life is totally different from my using days.  You see, I think it all began when I was in a car wreck.  My body took a terrible hit and the pain was more than I could bear.  Doctors thought they were helping.  Little did anyone know, my addiction was starting.  It was behind the scenes for a while and then it raised it's ugly head and I was gone.  Me, the person, was gone.  Today, I am different.  I look totally different.  I act totally different, most of the time.  I even think differently than I did before.  I owe it all to my recovery and the people in my life today.

People that truly care about me and my well being.  People that are there 24/7 to help me when I need it.  People that count on me to be there when they need ME.  Man that is different.  People actually wanting my help.  My advice.  My friendship!!!  Yes, there is no better tool against the disease of addiction that another recovering addict.  Why you ask?  Because only another addict knows or can relate to each better because they have 'been there, done that' and know exactly the feelings each other have.  One addict can understand the lengths that are gone to just to get that next hit.  They know how the disease is working.  What it is saying and how easy it can and will take control again.

Yes, recovery, for me is an ongoing process.  Working daily on myself.  To better understand myself and why I do things that I do, how I do things the way I do.  I am learning that I don't have to be the center of attention.  I don't have to always respond just because something was said or someone did something.  The only thing that I can control and am learning to control is myself.  I don't have to engage in fights, arguments  differences of opinions, anything that may cause me to act out on a defect.  I have a choice today.  We all have choices everyday.  It is our choices that deems the outcome of situations.  Not other people, places or things, but our choices that pave the road in front of us.  We, or I have choices today and I try to choose what is best for me and then for everyone around me.

You see I have to understand that my choices sometimes are not just affecting me but others as well.  In active addiction no one cares who will be affected from others decisions.  This is something that I relearned and am still learning today in recovery.  Recovery takes work.

Now you have to decide for yourself, not for anyone else because you only have control over yourself, what road or path you are going to take.  Will you continue down a road of destruction?  Continuing to hurt yourself and everyone you come in contact with?  Or will you choose to do the right thing or try to do the next right thing for the right reasons?  Make the choice to do what you know in you heart is the thing to do.  It may not be a great outcome for you but someone may benefit from it, you never know.

Today for me, it's all about doing the right things in life.  Not because I want to or I want the attention on me, but just because it is the right thing to do.  Today I have acceptance of the things I do and what happens to me, I have tolerance, patience, unconditional love, faith, willingness, humility to name a few.  I understand what they all mean and how to apply them to my life.  They are some of the assets that I use against my defects each day.  And I have grown with these principles.  To practice them daily.

Yes, I have grown over the past almost 3 years.  I think before I act or speak.  I check myself every night before I go to bed to make sure there are no amends that need to be made.  I pray to God that He will show me His will for me and the power to carry that message to other addicts.

May God continue to work in my life so that I may be there to help or work in others lives.  May He see what is needed inside of me and give me the power I need to work on myself.  To ask for help when it is needed,  To honestly say how I am feeling even if it is like a piece of poo.  May God show us all His mercy and grace to accept what we, I have done and to help me move on.  Not stopping long in the past of mistakes and bad judgement.

Don't know how much sense this all makes but this is what needed to be said.  How do I you may ask?  Before any post I write, I pray and ask God to guide me.  To give me the words to share.  The feelings and experience given to others so they may grow in their recovery as well.  If you are an addict, you can stop, stay stopped and find a new way of life.  It can be done, because I, with many others, have done it.  No one is telling you it will be easy, just that it can be done if you want it and ask for it.  You, the addict, have to decide what you going to do and when you do, continue to move forward.  For if we are not moving forward, then we are going backwards to places you are suppose to be getting away from.

I could go on but will stop with this:  "If no one has told you today that they love you, I do."  Help is ready.  all you need to do is ask for it.  Am done rambling around like a lost pup, then just ask and help will be given to the best of their abilities.  There are things that no one wants to hear but they have to hear it in order to recover.

Please, as always, feel free to comment on any post on the site.  There is also a 'resource' page with lots of info on treatment, recovery, 12 step programs, and on.

Thank you for your time today and look forward to another informative post next time...

Americans - Where are You???

Okay, I think I have taken just about as much as I can.  Now, before I begin I need to say this is me, only me, and if you are offended, then well, that's just too bad isn't it?  I do appreciate the folks that take the time to read my blog, really I do.  And there are going to be times that my view is different from someone else's.  So, the ones that know me, here I go again, so hold on, it is going to be a bumpy ride...

First I would like to say that I am an American!!  Born in the south and proud to be a true Southern born American!  (not to ruffle feathers of others born in other areas, we are all Americans, okay).  Yes, I am a little redneck, too, okay??  Over the past several years there have been things that have happened that make me want to just shake the people that live here and say, "Have you lost your freaking minds!!??"

Growing up I was taught to respect my elders, the American flag and the leaders of our country.  We said the "Pledge of Allegiance" everyday at school.  We learned to respect and honor  the American flag.  We learned when, where and how the American flag was to be flown.  We had mutual respect for each other as Americans.  There were many different celebrations all over America to celebrate our forefathers and this great land of ours that they fought so hard to build and nurture.  They did this in order for us to have a place to live, free from being ruled and told every little thing to do and not do.  They did this for our "FREEDOM"!!!

Now, our children are not allowed to say the "Pledge of Allegiance" in schools nor are they allowed to pray.  Even at sporting events such as football, there is no prayer before the games anymore.  Simple things such as this is what, I think, set America apart from other countries.  We have the right to freedom of speech, the right to bear arms, and so on.  These rights and all the others that we have had for years because of our forefathers are almost all gone.  My question is "WHY"?!

What has happened to us?  What is happening to us?  There are people that live here but do not and/or can not speak English!  They can live here and have all the freedom and rights that we have and then some.  Please don't get me wrong, I do not hate anyone.  And I, by no means, wish harm to anyone anywhere.  But how can we, as Americans stand by and watch what once was a great country go , for lack of whatever, to hell in a handbasket?????

Have we lost our sense of pride, love, compassion?  We have allowed this to happen.  How you may ask, by the people that we choose to govern us and our land.  By not caring who we elect into office, just so long as they say what we want to hear.  No matter that their record shows a different person, they sound good.  They made us promises.  They have changed and are not like their records shows.

These are things I hear and have heard over the years.  Well, I think it is time that Americans woke the heck up!!!  Just because things are in the shape they are, why on earth would we, as Americans, want it to continue and more than likely grow worse?  Why do we stand here and just go through the motions if even that?  We see what is happening.  You talk about it everyday, how you wish things were like they use to be.

Now, the younger folks will say, "We needed change."  Well, to those younger folks I say "Show some respect for your elders!  Dress like you are 'somebody', not like your folks can't afford clothes that fit you right!  Yea, pull your pants up and be a man!  Stop having sex before you are ready so we can stop supporting children that are not ours!  Grow the heck up and be accountable for YOUR actions!  For your choices!

It is such a shame the state of America today.  I pray day and night that God have mercy on us.  I pray that God would touch the people that govern our country.  I pray that God will continue to watch over our troops here and abroad.  They are such brave and giving men and women that protect this nation of our's.  And some people have the nerve to spit at our troops, to spit at our flag, to stand and watch someone "BURN" our flag, to say they don't want to do this or that for it may be taken as being prejudice such as wear a pin of the United States of America flag......  Yes, something that simple should speak volumes to all Americans, but 4 years ago it didn't.  Will it this election year?

I know that a lot of you have different viewpoints but that is what is so great about America, we encourage freedom to think differently, to be able to say what you think as long as you don't intentionally do harm to someone else.  Feel free to leave your comments.  And please don't take this the wrong way, I do not and will not debate my feelings with anyone for I don't have to.  I don't feel the need beyond this post to express my feelings, concerns and fears about what is happening and what may happen if we, as Americans, don't stand together and see that the ones in office are taking ALL and I do mean ALL our civil rights away.  Little by little until we will have none.

Ask yourself, as you look back over the past years, is America where she should be?  Do we want her heading in the direction, I feel, that may/will be the end for us all?  Is America protected enough to withstand another attack like 9-11?  Has America not been shaken to her core with attacks, threats and ridicule?  Do we not want to be able to walk down the streets and hold our heads high and have a pride in our step just because?  Just because we are Americans and we are proud of that fact.  Proud enough to shout it from rooftops.  Proud enough to post on Facebook "I am an American".  Proud enough to do our civil right to vote for who we feel will do the job since others have proven time and time again, they cannot and they will not because they can't and/or won't.

It's not their fault or their problem or their concern!!  If it is not theirs, men and women voted into office, then whose is it?  Whose problems are they?  Who is to blame for the state America is in?  If not the elected officials then are we not at fault?  Are we not to blame?  Do we not need to make the hard decisions needed to be made instead of leaving it to the next person?  Should we not be responsible?  Should those in office now, not bear some of the responsibility?

My hope, my prayer is that each one of you that read this will stop and think......not how mad you are at me for posting this but what is your part in all of this?  What could you do?  What should you do?  What are your responsibilities in life?  To this nation?  To yourself? To your children and grandchildren?

I love each and everyone of you and I do hope that you will stop and think.  Leave me a comment if you feel the need to.  But as stated, I am not here to debate with anyone.  I may not respond, but I am sure someone would like to share their take on this.  Agree or not, you do have an opinion don't you?  That is a right that has yet to be taken away.  So maybe, just maybe you would like to exercise that right?  I welcome all and debate with none.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and better yet, thank you for your comments.  God bless and keep you all in His loving grace and mercy, Amen!  (Yes, you can still pray on the Internet!)

Unconditional Love - Not Just a Mother's Love...

So, I have been trying to figure out the right way to discuss my next subject:  unconditional love.  Most folks that I know relate this to 'a mother's love'.  Which I know is true as I am a mother myself.  But as I was thinking of what to post and how to post, there was one thing that was really weighing heavily on my mind, what about fathers?  I have really been praying about this post for that reason and that reason alone, what about fathers?  Do they not have unconditional love?

You see, being in recovery has opened my life up to so many new people that I understand when people say 'unconditional love is like a mother's love for her child', but I have met fathers that have that 'unconditional love' too.  By definition, unconditional love is a love that has no limitations, no restriction on it.  So when I sit and listen to a father speak of his children that he has had in his custody since they were in diapers, I see and can feel his 'unconditional love' for them.  Yes, there is a bond between mother and child that only they have.  This I totally account to the fact that she is the one that has carried that child inside of her.  Now I also know that there are some women that give birth and do not in any way, shape, or form want that child.  This saddens my heart, but I know that it is true.

Unconditional love is given so freely.  Without boundaries, no limits or restrictions.  After many days and nights praying on this and asking God, my Higher Power, to guide and direct me as I try to post 'my experiences' on the subject.

So, here goes...

Sitting and listening, he is in tears. His whole body is shaking.  He is in such distress.  His girls.  His angels.  He is missing them so he can hardly speak of what has happened.  Nothing as tragic as them being hurt or suffering.  No, they have been taken from him by their mother.  Not through the court system.  Just taken with no warning, no notice.  He went to their school to pick them up and they were not there.  She had already gotten them.

Your heart could not help but ache for him.  Yes, his love for his children is unconditional.  You know that if he had to, he 'would' lay down his life for them.  Now please don't misunderstand, I know that father's do love their children and would lay down their lives also.  But to sit and watch and listen to this young man was horrible.  He cried, got extremely anger, cried some more and wanted to do something but didn't know what to do.  He was truly lost.  He could not find the words, at times, to describe how he was feeling, just lost.

He has been without them for several months now.  Trying his best to let the court system do the right thing.  He has to go days and even weeks without talking to them.  He has grown so much through this event.  And he is still clean.  Has not had a reason to put any dope on it.  Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, he smiles and laughs some today.  Their lawyers are working things out.  This young man is a man that has placed his trust, maybe for the first time, in other peoples hands.  His and his children's future are in strangers hands.  His trust in his Higher Power is strong and he knows that He will work things out the way they should be.

I am so proud to be a part of this man's life, only as a friend, a fellow addict.  His journey has shown me that anyone, not just a mother, can possess this thing we call unconditional love.  I, myself, have grown and learned from this young man's experiences.  Without revealing who this person is, you can still paint a picture to understand unconditional love.  

In my process of recovery, I have had to really stop and use many resources to get where I am  today.  There are so many people in my life that I have learned from and many that I am still learning from.  I cherish the moments, such as this young man sharing his experiences, because they help me to see a bigger picture.  There are always lessons to learn, even small ones.  Being in recovery is awesome.  I never knew I could have a life like this.  I overflow with gratitude everyday.

Experiences like these are the reason I find it comforting to write this blog.  I do my best and will continue to write without names of people or places.  Those things most of the time really don't matter.  It is the experience itself that one should remember.  For experience is the root of learning, for me any way and especially today.  I don't have to know the person, just their experience.  The hope that they share.  The strength they are willing to give to me and others so freely.  That is what matters to me today.

Again, I have tried my best to explain one of my spiritual principles as simply as I could.  Anyone can apply this in their lives.  For me, learning and applying these principle in every corner of my life, I am able to understand, learn, be supportive and receive support when needed.  I can walk down the street or into a local store and really not care what people may say about me.  Good, bad or indifferent.  I love my life and I know that I am doing the right things today.  And I just keep it moving.  Some days are better than others, but everyone has good and bad days.

I know that all things happen for a reason.  Take life slow.  Enjoy, learn and grow from your life and others.  We only get one, so we need to make the most of our lives as we can.  Help that person in someway without wanting or looking for something in return.  Just be upfront about your feelings.  Look at new experience as lesson to grow and learn from.  Maybe even be able to share it with someone else later and they to can learn and grow.

Some spiritual principles are hard to practice, but your life would be so much more if you can learn and apply these principles to your life, everyday, in everything.

Could you handle an experience like this young man?  Or would you show out?  Make a scene about it?  Cuss, fuss and use dope or alcohol because of it?  Questions like these are the ones that come to mind that I had to answer for myself.

Unconditional love, an awesome thing to share, to feel, to give...