Moving along in my process of recovery, I can see the growth I have had. Still have lots to work on and learn, but have changed a great deal from how I was when I entered into recovery. You hear all kinds of sayings in recovery 'fake it til you make it', 'don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle', 'more will be revealed', 'keep coming back', 'it works if you work it', and others.
When I first started in my recovery process I had no idea what any of these meant or even why they were said. Today, I can say I understand better what and why we have these sayings. As you, or I grow in recovery, we begin to get clarity on things and life in general. As I starting living day to day without using, my body slowly got rid of the drugs. As the level of the drugs in my system lowered I became more in touch with what was really happening and knew that if I did not change I would lose my life.
I say to folks that I was lucky and I was. I found recovery. But I was saying I was lucky because I was much older than most when my addiction took complete control over my life. I had been married. Had a child and knew what being 'a responsible member of society' was. I never in a million years thought my life would go to some of the places it took me. Hanging out with people that carried guns and some that were just plain mean. Some I thought were friends! Crazy I know, but I did. My disease had me and it had me good. Those people cared nothing whatsoever for me, only about what I could do for them and if I had money or not.
Self-esteem, there was none. Confidence, none. Self-respect, none. And others, I had none of these things. For some reason I lost all of any of them that I had. How? I don't know. All I know is one day they were there, however little they were, they were there. Then gone. As if in the blink of an eye, gone. What happened? Where did they all go? These are questions that I have found some answers for. I threw them all away. I did it to myself. I know a lot of addicts want to blame someone or something else other than themselves, but truth be told we all made the choices that took all these things and more away from us. And until any addict realizes that "they" did these things to themselves, they cannot begin to recover.
Recovery has taught me that I am responsible for all my acts, thoughts, what I say and how I say it. How I live today. How I treat people around me, in and out of my life. It has taught me that while I may have done bad things, I am not a bad person. I have a disease that is incurable, fatal, cunning and wants me dead. I have a disease that when I am not looking it will get into areas of my life and then turn so unmanageable is such a short time it is not even funny.
Recovery has to be worked on and at 24/7. Why you may ask, because my disease is running 24/7. Just waiting on a chance, no matter how small, to take control and run with it. I will never be "cured" from the disease of addiction. I can only arrest it and do what is needed, daily, to keep it arrested. I have character defects that I have to work on daily. That is where my disease hides. Just waiting and waiting on the day that I may not be working on a defect but my disease will and it will show it's ugly head. So, I must, no matter what, work on myself and my defects on a daily basis or risk relapse back to the disease of addiction.
Relapse is a part of recovery. Someone said it best the other night when they said "If I am not moving forward in my recovery then I am going backwards and that will lead to a relapse." I so understand where this person was coming from. I have to pray and ask for help. Pray for the ability not to act out on my defects. And those times that I slip and do act out, I have to pray that God helps me to see that and make amends as soon as possible to that person. I have to continue to work on me in order not to relapse. My program has to be strong and alive in my life everyday 24/7.
Just because I had lived 'life on life's terms' did not keep me from falling into active addiction. And let me tell you that was not my plan. I thought I could do this or a little of that to stop my physical and mental pain. Never did I think about becoming addicted. Knowing addiction runs in my family, both sides. I still played with fire until I got burnt and was really in pain from there on out. A pain that I can never and will never forget. Reminding myself of the pain and of my life in addiction helps to keep me in recovery. Seeing people coming into recovery from active addiction, helps keep me in recovery. They show me that nothing has changed in the drug world. If anything it is so much worse than when I was using I cannot bear the thought of relapsing today.
My life is totally different from my using days. You see, I think it all began when I was in a car wreck. My body took a terrible hit and the pain was more than I could bear. Doctors thought they were helping. Little did anyone know, my addiction was starting. It was behind the scenes for a while and then it raised it's ugly head and I was gone. Me, the person, was gone. Today, I am different. I look totally different. I act totally different, most of the time. I even think differently than I did before. I owe it all to my recovery and the people in my life today.
People that truly care about me and my well being. People that are there 24/7 to help me when I need it. People that count on me to be there when they need ME. Man that is different. People actually wanting my help. My advice. My friendship!!! Yes, there is no better tool against the disease of addiction that another recovering addict. Why you ask? Because only another addict knows or can relate to each better because they have 'been there, done that' and know exactly the feelings each other have. One addict can understand the lengths that are gone to just to get that next hit. They know how the disease is working. What it is saying and how easy it can and will take control again.
Yes, recovery, for me is an ongoing process. Working daily on myself. To better understand myself and why I do things that I do, how I do things the way I do. I am learning that I don't have to be the center of attention. I don't have to always respond just because something was said or someone did something. The only thing that I can control and am learning to control is myself. I don't have to engage in fights, arguments differences of opinions, anything that may cause me to act out on a defect. I have a choice today. We all have choices everyday. It is our choices that deems the outcome of situations. Not other people, places or things, but our choices that pave the road in front of us. We, or I have choices today and I try to choose what is best for me and then for everyone around me.
You see I have to understand that my choices sometimes are not just affecting me but others as well. In active addiction no one cares who will be affected from others decisions. This is something that I relearned and am still learning today in recovery. Recovery takes work.
Now you have to decide for yourself, not for anyone else because you only have control over yourself, what road or path you are going to take. Will you continue down a road of destruction? Continuing to hurt yourself and everyone you come in contact with? Or will you choose to do the right thing or try to do the next right thing for the right reasons? Make the choice to do what you know in you heart is the thing to do. It may not be a great outcome for you but someone may benefit from it, you never know.
Today for me, it's all about doing the right things in life. Not because I want to or I want the attention on me, but just because it is the right thing to do. Today I have acceptance of the things I do and what happens to me, I have tolerance, patience, unconditional love, faith, willingness, humility to name a few. I understand what they all mean and how to apply them to my life. They are some of the assets that I use against my defects each day. And I have grown with these principles. To practice them daily.
Yes, I have grown over the past almost 3 years. I think before I act or speak. I check myself every night before I go to bed to make sure there are no amends that need to be made. I pray to God that He will show me His will for me and the power to carry that message to other addicts.
May God continue to work in my life so that I may be there to help or work in others lives. May He see what is needed inside of me and give me the power I need to work on myself. To ask for help when it is needed, To honestly say how I am feeling even if it is like a piece of poo. May God show us all His mercy and grace to accept what we, I have done and to help me move on. Not stopping long in the past of mistakes and bad judgement.
Don't know how much sense this all makes but this is what needed to be said. How do I you may ask? Before any post I write, I pray and ask God to guide me. To give me the words to share. The feelings and experience given to others so they may grow in their recovery as well. If you are an addict, you can stop, stay stopped and find a new way of life. It can be done, because I, with many others, have done it. No one is telling you it will be easy, just that it can be done if you want it and ask for it. You, the addict, have to decide what you going to do and when you do, continue to move forward. For if we are not moving forward, then we are going backwards to places you are suppose to be getting away from.
I could go on but will stop with this: "If no one has told you today that they love you, I do." Help is ready. all you need to do is ask for it. Am done rambling around like a lost pup, then just ask and help will be given to the best of their abilities. There are things that no one wants to hear but they have to hear it in order to recover.
Please, as always, feel free to comment on any post on the site. There is also a 'resource' page with lots of info on treatment, recovery, 12 step programs, and on.
Thank you for your time today and look forward to another informative post next time...
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