What Do I Do Now???

Addicts, or people in general, all have "defects of character" that I was referring to in my last post.  Acting out on those defects can and do hurt people, our loved ones, friends, family, and anyone and everyone that we come into contact with when acting out on our defects.  As I stated 'everyone' not just addicts act out from time to time on their defects.

In active addiction, we or I, sorry had to keep it on me, didn't care who I hurt.  I really could not see that I was hurting anyone including myself.  Didn't realize that I was leaving a very destructive path behind me as a result of acting out.  And we all have destruction in our lives that we have created because of our defects and acting out on them.  It is said that 'if the people that needed a program were in the program, then there would not be enough space for them all.  As addicts, working a program, we have a tendency to look at others faults and not our own.  Again, not just addicts have these defects of character, everyone does. One more important thing, we all need to stop and think about our actions, our words and the reasoning behind what we do or say to others or about others.

"I'm not hurting anyone by using."  This statement is said more times by people in active addiction and people that live a destructive life or life style.  What do we do about the harm we have caused to ourselves and others?  We sit down, as we are in recovery now, and list everyone and anyone we have harmed.  No matter how we harmed them, we put them on the list.  We put ourselves on that list also.

"I haven't done harm to myself.  That's crazy!"  Is it crazy?  Look at what you have put yourself through just to keep your using a secret.  As addicts we lie, cheat, steal, manipulate people and situations to our advantage if we can.  We need, in order to grow and continue moving forward in our recovery process, to know what we did and to whom we did it.  Why we did what we did and how to try to amend that wrong and make things right with that person or business.

Yes, you read that correctly, we have to make amends to those who we have harmed in order to go forward as long as we can do our amends with out causing more destruction, without hurting others or ourselves more.  Some of the people or places we list to make amends to may be persons no longer with us.  They have passed on, businesses have shut down.  We cannot dwell on these amends or beat ourselves up over them.  We need to try and ask forgiveness and do our best not to act out again causing more harm, adding to that list.

Addressing making amends and ridding yourself from resentments are necessary to move forward.  Recovery has shown me, in my process, how to make amends, who to make verbal amends to, who to make living amends to (living amends is living with a correction in my attitude and life) and to whom I may have thought I needed to make an amend, but after discussion with my sponsor, going over events, there were some that I didn't need to make amends to.  These were actually resentments that I had and I have to work through those resentments.

In my process, I have had to make some amends.  Everyone has them.  I just need to discuss with my sponsor as to who and for what you need to amend.  As I go further in my recovery, I have had to make verbal amends to some people.  Verbal amends are when you actually tell the person face to face, one on one that you are sorry for whatever you did or said and how you plan to stand by this amend in order for it not to happen again.

So, I not only have to know what exactly I am making amends for but what my plan will be to ensure the event or same situation does not happen again with that person or someone else.  As I said I have to know the exact nature of my wrongs.  And I cannot just say "I'm sorry."  No, I have to apologize for exactly what it was I did wrong to the person or persons.  How I plan to change to help prevent it from happening again.

Some amends, as you will learn, are made just by the way you live your life today, the way I live my life today.  These are 'living amends'.  I don't physically go to the person I have harmed and make my amends, I make a 'living amends' by doing exactly what it says:  LIVING.  Changing the way I live and what it is I am living for.  In addiction , you live for the drug and/or the lifestyle.  In recovery, I live to stay clean.  I live to give what has so freely been given to me.  I live so that others may live also.  I live to help show that addicts can recover, change, and find a way of life.

Working through my resentments can be hard.  Resentment means bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.  I have to understand what it is or who it is that I have a resentment toward and for what.  Why do I have resentments, sometimes filled with anger?  Again, everyone has them at some point in their lives.  When I work on a resentment, I try to understand what the feelings are behind these resentments and hopefully will uncover the main reason I have each resentment.

Talking with my sponsor and working the 12 step program like it has been suggested to me to do.  I mean, I try my very best to apply what others in recovery suggest I do.  My life has changed a great deal over the past, almost, 3 years.  I am not the same as I was when I had that last 'night'.  Not the same as when I walked into treatment, when I walked out of treatment and I am not the same each time I go and come from my 12 step program.  I am proud of the person I am becoming.  I am proud that I am able to help others that may not be able to help themselves.  When I have feelings, I need to feel them, but also try to understand why I feel the way I do.

Because of my program and the forward progress that I have made, it is very hard sometimes to practice the spiritual principles in all affairs.  Again, we all have defects!  Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it before you say it to anyone.  I have to play 'the tape' all the way to the end.  Life on lifes terms are at times hard for people. I  have to understand that my actions, words, and so on affects others.  If I want people to treat me the way I want to be treated, then I must treat them the way they want to be treated.

I cannot work anyone's recovery but my own.  I work it on a day to day basis.  I have a network of women that I call from time to time for their experience, strength and hope.  They are all always very helpful in their suggestions.  If I don't follow the suggestions given to me, my whole world will be in chaos day and night.

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