From Detox to Rehab...

Hope that you are enjoying these posts, also hope that they may reach someone that needs help in some way.  So now I continue...

Being very grateful for the doctors finding something that took care of the pain I was having.  In addition to my vitals being take on a regular schedule, they were also doing blood work.  The test that was for RA was given to me and that was ruled out as my underlaying problem.  Some of the techs seemed to believe that I had lupus, because of the way I was hurting.  Due to the fact that they did not have the facilities to do test needed, I was told to see a doctor when I came home.  But they were able to come up with a comfortable mix of medications and a schedule that would work for me.  Due to the fact that there were not as many women slots as men slots in the rehab building, the women and I had to wait a little longer than the men to go to rehab.

As I stated about 2 1/2 weeks after entering the detox unit, I then transfered to the rehab side.  Once again I was reunited with the ladies I met in the detox unit.  Now, a note here so the following sounds better, there are women dorms and men dorms.  The men and women are separated in rehab, but not in detox.  Crazy, yes but that's how it is there and has been for a long time.

We were housed two to a room.  Had our own closet each and one large wardrobe to share.  We could have our own clothes (thank God, the unisex underwear had long been extremely too little) shoes, blankets, pillows, you know personal stuff that just made you appreciate having them more.  The bathroom facilities were shared one to each to two bed rooms.  One bathroom between the two rooms.  The bathrooms reminded me of the ones at my elementary school.   And I use "bathroom" loosely. it was a toilet and a stall shower.  The sinks were in the rooms.

We, ladies, all shared the same day rooms, activity space and 4 pay phones to call home or who we wanted to talk to.  Limited to 5 minutes a person each use. Those of us on medication had the same schedule.  The men and women had the same eating schedule.  We were required to keep our rooms as well as the day rooms cleaned.  Both men and women had group counseling in the mornings, and classes throughout the day and then meetings in the evening.  There was not much time to do much of anything else.  You did  get some extra time on the weekends, family could come up and visit, Saturday only.  There could be some "me" time during the week if you could get ready for your next class or meal or whatever.  My "me" time was normally spent out in the gazebo smoking.  That was the only place we could smoke.

Each man and woman were all told that you could get 3 strikes before you were thrown out.  Now there were some things that if you were caught doing them you would be removed immediately.   There were two ladies kicked out during my stay there for sleeping through classes and meals and fraternizing with the men.  The whole time I was in rehab I was learning who I was and what I wanted for my life.  The main thing that I learned, was that I like myself now.  Actually, I had learn to love myself since entering that program.

Now if you are familiar with rehabilitation facilities, you can kinda figure up how long I was there.  Yes, I spent 2009 Christmas and New Year's Eve there.  But I knew that when I left on Thanksgiving.  I must say that it was one of the most joyful Christmas I have ever experienced.  There was no way the staff had any intentions to let us, the patients down.  They were determined that we were going to enjoy Christmas and New Year's Eve.  We had some short scheduled days around that time so we could join in on the decoration and some planning.  We were given this delicious  meal and entertainment by the staff.  That is a time of my life that I will always remember with warm fuzzy feelings and a tear in my eye.  That staff truly loved their patient and did all that they could to help us find our way in life.

The day that I left I was told the following things:  1)  I would have a complete copy of my medical records from the facility, 2)  Prescriptions for all of my medicines, 3)  name and phone number of the out patient treatment facility that I would need to attend after getting home.  Now, at the start of all these post, I posed the statement "People wonder why there are so many people addicted to drugs today.  If their experience is anything like mine, I can see part of the problem, in my opinion."

And I am getting to that statement and my explanation for what I see as part of the problem, or at least for me it was.  Hang in there, only a few more to go, I hope...


(Now, I know I am only giving an outline of my experience but I just really don't see the need to go into great detail.  If for some reason while you are reading any post of mine and don't understand or wish I had explained a little more detail, please leave a comment or email me.  I will be more than happy to see if I can better clarify.)

My Journey Continues...

Moving along in my story, I stated that my life began then I entered the treatment facility.  That is exactly what I meant.  I had no "life", not really.  Some of the things that I am posting are the things that I have learned over the last 2 1/2 years.  They are what I am and should have always been.  My post are true and straight from my heart.  That is why sometimes there are a few days in between them.  In order for me to do this blog the way I want it to be sometimes I have to take a step back and look at the "whole" picture.  So......

It was around 2 am when we arrived at the treatment facility.  The ladies that were there to meet us were very nice and didn't seem to mind that it was the middle of the night.  I gave hugs and kisses to my mom, sister and aunt and told them the next time they saw me, I would be on my road to recovery.   One of the hardest things I had to do was tell them good-bye, not knowing for sure when I would see them again.  Both ladies were so very understanding and helped me get settled in my room with what I needed that night.  They explained that the morning shift would give me the things that I would need:  sweat pants and shirt, socks, flip-flops, underwear, toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, soap, comb, I think that was all.

Anyway, everyone wore sweats or scrubs, flip-flop shoes and socks and the thing that really weirded me out was the "one size fits most" underwear, same for women as for men out of the same box!!  Unreal!  I just could not believe that, but there it was.  I went straight to bed after the ladies checked me in.  The next morning, about 6, maybe a little earlier or sometime around 6, I was awaken by a lady that stated it was time to get my vitals taken.  So, after only about 2-3 hours sleep, I got up, walked down the hall and took my seat outside the day room.  We all went in one by one having our temperature and blood pressure taken.  After I had my turn I went back to bed.  I was told when they took my vitals that I was not required to go to classes or meetings that day if I didn't want to.  You see, your first day there they let you sleep because we all needed that to adjust.

Now, all this is happening in the detox building at the treatment facility.  You have nothing of your own.  Everything that you may need is supplied by the facility.  Everyone gets the same thing, we are all the same.  Later you will learn that in recovery no one is better or worse than the next person.  We are all the same.  There were classes and meetings to attend each day in detox.  And our meals were at the same time everyday.  We followed a strict schedule, but this was teaching me how I should have been doing things all along.

As the days went by, I was interviewed by a couple of different doctors just getting some type of medical history that they could maybe use to help me better.  I met people that were just like me.  The group that I was in,  all got along.  It was like a huge family and we were all brothers and sisters.  Watching out for each other, helping each other and learning from each other.  After about 2 to 3 weeks I transferred to the rehab part of the facility.

While in detox, the doctors had a job in front of them, I was in pain, that's why I started using, to get rid of the pain.  As my system cleaned itself of the drugs that I had been using, the pain started coming back.  It really did scare me.  I had never hurt that bad since my car accident.  And no, you are not going to get a lot of info on me before I stopped using.  We all know how to use, it is recovering we need help in.  So, I was having crazy feeling muscle spasms and it took them a few days to get my medicine at the correct levels.

There is lots more to tell you, but I will save it for another time...

The Beginning...

Before I start, let me state that this is my experience only no one else and I don't feel it necessary to state names, places and such.  This is my personal opinion and part of my story.  I will be posting in multiple post, register on the blog site and be sure to get them all.

People wonder why there are so many people addicted to drugs today.  If their experience is anything like mine, I can see part of the problem, in my opinion.  The day I asked my family to help me get the help I needed, my mom and dad came to get me and I stayed with them until which time I left for treatment. 

Mom called several places trying to find out just what we needed to do so that I could go to a treatment facility.  They told her that I needed to go to the hospital and get medically cleared to go to treatment.  So, that is what we did.  My mom, aunt, and sister all took me to the hospital's ER and explained what I was there for.  Everything seemed okay until two nurses aides came in explaining to me what needed to happen next for the doctor to see me.  And that my friends is when the hard journey to treatment and home again started.  As they explained things it became very clear to me and mom (she went back with me to see the doctor) that the only way I was going to see a doctor that afternoon was to sign commitment papers.  Yes sir, I would need to commit myself to their psych ward for at least 72 hours, then the doctor could come and see what I needed.  That was so not happening.  Looking at mom I said to them "your kidding right?"  Nope, they weren't kidding.  So, needless to say I told them exactly what I thought and we left.

My sister and aunt had been in the waiting room and were some what surprised to see me.  We explained to them what had happen and I had told them exactly what I thought they could do with their psych ward and commitment  papers.  Sis, being the caregiver she is, asked what I was going to do now.  Now this was just the day before Thanksgiving, I said "take me back to mom's. I will stay there and tomorrow we will do as planned and that is going to my sister's for Thanksgiving.  After that we were to head out again to a hospital to get medically cleared.

Now the second hospital I went to wanted to know:  1) Was I okay, 2) what did I need, and 3) how could they help me?  Mom explained what she had been told by the treatment facility as to what needed to be done and that the last hospital wanted me to commit myself for at least 72 hours.  She explained that they  were of no help at all.

After an extremely long day at the hospital we finally received the okay for me to go to the facility that I wanted to go to.  We  arrived at the hospital about 3 pm Thanksgiving Day.  You see, since it appeared as if it was going to take time and patience to get me to a facility, I had decided to have Thanksgiving with my family and then go to the hospital.  After sleeping, eating and sleeping some more, the call finally came in for me to head to the treatment facility at once.  We all piled into the car and head that way.

The weather was a bit cool and there were snow flurries for part of the ride.  I was so scared but tried to hide it from my family.  Thinking the idea of something unknown taking place with strange folks and in a strange place.  I had never been in this kind of situation before and really just the unknown of it all scared me.  But I knew that this was the best thing for me and if anything was going to help me stop using, this was the start. 

After a hour or two drive, we arrived at my destination.  Some of their personnel helped me get to where I needed to go and give me what I needed to have.  Tired from the ride and tense from the unknown that lay a head of me, they showed me my room and I crashed from the events of the day..

Yes, Thanksgiving 2009, will always be a day that I remember very well.  Really I can recall some the smallest details.  That day was the beginning of a new way of life for me.  It was the day that I said, "Hi, my name is Janie and I need help!"

That is the first of several post about my experience with becoming a "recovering addict".  It is different for everyone but then again it is the same in some ways.  And so begins my life... 

One Addict Helping Another...

After posting about my sister and me, I was sitting in a meeting and started thinking about  when I first entered into recovery and I listening to the new faces that were there, " I don't have any friends that don't use.  I have no support from my family.  I only have today clean!  My self-esteem sucks and I am scared to go home."

How easy it was to relate to what these people were sharing?  I can remember my first meeting.  That I had no self-esteem.  No friends, but only by the grace God, I did have some family that helped me and stood by me.  I have always thought I was "less than", never "good enough".  Yes, I could relate very well to what these folks were sharing.  And when they finished I ask God to comfort them, protect them, and help them make it through the night until they can get to any meeting tomorrow.

After they finished and I spoke up.  "Your not along anymore.  By the end of this meeting you will have everyone in this room as a friend.  Ones that are willing to help you if you just tell what you need.  People that have been where you are and got to the other side.  I know that a lot of what you are hearing, you don't understand.  That's fine.  We don't expect you to 'get it' the first little while you are here, just keep coming no matter what."

I continued sharing, "I, too, had no self-esteem when I got here.  I was scared.  I had no friends.  I had very little family,  I just wanted someone to help me not use.  Now today, my self-esteem is much better.  I'm not as scared as I was at first.  I, too, only have today.  That is what our literature teaches us.  No matter how many years someone may have, all they have is today."

"Today, I know that I like myself, no I love myself.  I do matter.  I do count for something.  I have learned that as long as I don't use, do the things that are suggested for me to do and approach each day, person, issue for that day, just for today, I don't have to use.  You see, after being here for a little bit, I know that I am growing and learning.  Remaining teachable and listening to others."

Addiction.....will mess your life up, turn you into someone you don't know, leave you for dead, and laugh at you when you run out still wanting, needing more, and more, and more!  It is an incurable disease.  It is fatal.  It is crippling.  It wants me dead.  Addiction is no joke and if you don't take this disease seriously, it will take you to places you never thought you would go.

You see, this is part of why I told my sister that I would never be cured.  After hearing these people speak, I knew what I had been feeling all day, that was to be my next post.  Now I am not posting this to make anyone feel anything, except maybe help you to understand how this disease works.  You may have a loved one or a friend that has this disease.  And, for the record, addiction is not always just about drugs and alcohol, you can be come addicted to anything.  Addiction has many faces.

This is just my experience, no one else's.  The spiritual principle of anonymity is extremely important.  I do not wish to push my opinion's on anyone.  They are just my opinions, experiences, and stories.  All that I post here are just that, my opinions, experiences, and stories.

If what I post helps you to understand that the disease of Addiction is in no way a laughing matter, that it is very serious, then I have done what I set out to do.  Please remember that I am giving you a little piece of myself with each post I write.  But my post also help me, to grow and see where I need more attention put in my life.  It is easy for me to think I am better. I know how to and how not to do things today.  I got this disease by the tail.  When my mind starts that why, I have to do whatever it takes to get rid of that type thinking.

Addiction......I will always have this disease.  I will go to my grave with this disease.  What I don't have to do is "give in" to this disease.  I do what I do to keep my disease arrested and locked away in the furthest reaches of my mind.  I doctor it every day and every night.  I try to keep it under lock and key.  I can't play when it comes to the footwork I need to do for me to be okay with me.

Addiction......it will kill, if one allows it to!

Me, My Sister and Addiction

Okay, I am riding in the car with my sister and her daughter to go out to eat and catch a movie.  There is really nothing special about our conversation until we start talking about me living with mom and dad, and how sometimes it isn't always a good thing that mom is there when things go bad.  And I agreed.

If I get bad news or start hurting really bad, mom is the first person that helps me get through it.  My sister was saying that was not always a good thing, which it's not.  She stated that mom worries to much about me and that there are times when mom and dad need to take a trip out of town without me.  And I agreed 100% with those statements.  I know that I will not always have mom there in time of need and there will be a day that I will be living along.

You see, mom and dad had driven up to Blowing Rock Tuesday to go fishing with my oldest brother and some of his family.  That is why my sister called to see if I wanted to go with her and her daughter.

So, as I am agreeing with all that my sister is saying,  "Well, you should know by now what you need to do in times when you need help and support.  You don't need to always count on mom to be there, because she won't always be there.  But, there again, you have been involved in the Fellowship you attend long enough that you should really be able to do the right thing.  There should not be a question of are you going to use over the pain you are in."  Now, I do attend a 12 step program on a regular basis.  I do have lots of folks that support me and help me with the disease of addiction.

I had to stop for a moment to try and figure out just how to get my sister to understand that there are and will be times that my addition is so strong that I do need someone to "babysit" me.  So, my response to what she said was, "As I sit here and think about when my hip went out because of an attack of bursitis, I would love to be able to think and say Yes I would call someone to help me and be with me through that.  But I have learned that I must to be honest with myself, if not with anyone else.  I have the disease of addiction and the effects that it has on me are mentally, physically and spiritually.  It can and will attack me a any given moment without warning."

"It attacks me at my lowest point and most times, I don't see it coming.  Although it is a nice thought that I have a handle on it and can control it, that is not the way things are.  My disease is like other diseases, it is incurable, crippling and fatal.  And if I don't do what is necessary to try to keep it from flaring up, it will control my life once again."  So, I am trying to explain how my disease of addiction works and effects my life to someone that is not an addict.  She thinks that I should know what to do and how to do in situations that would have caused me to use in the past.

Now, I know that if any of you have ever had to do this it is not an easy task.  After explaining, to the best of my ability about addiction, I told her this "Yes, I would love to say your right, I have been in recovery long enough now that I know what to do and how to do and I know that I would do the right thing, NOT USE.  But knowing the disease of addiction, I can't do that.  I have to be honest with you and myself, most of all, it would be a 50/50 shot as to what would happen.  Either I do the right thing and call someone, or I'd give in and let my addiction start running the show again."

My sister appeared confused.  She said she thought that was the reasoning behind me attending meeting, to learn have to control myself and my disease of addiction.  And that is partly true.  I am learning how to live life on "life's term".  That is the thing, for me anyway, learning that life is going to show up and I can't stop it.  Knowing how my disease works, trying to keep this on me and my experiences, I really don't know how I would react in a given situation.  Yes, as I stated before, it would be really nice and easy to say "yea, I got this".

You see that is what my disease wants me to think.  And the moment that I start to believe that, is the moment my disease shows up.  Sitting here posting this I would really and truly love to say that "No, I would not use over anything, not even when the pain hits".  That would be a lie.  When I am in the middle, going through life on life's terms, is when my disease is at it's worst.  Waiting on me.  Preying on me.  Making me look over my shoulder at every turn.

For me, and this is just trying to keep it real, I have to attend my meetings on a regular basis and do what is suggested.  I can honestly say that I love life, my self-esteem is getting better everyday and I love myself.  I feel that is the real key to this disease, learning to love myself.  Once I figured that out, I love myself, then I know that I can be strong against my disease.

I don't think, there will ever come a time that I "don't" need to go to meetings.  Again, I have to be honest about things.  I have to stay in today.  I cannot look forward too far into the future.  Knowing these things, I will continue to do the footwork needed to go through life.  I know that as long as I do the next right thing for the next right reason, all will be well.  There is help for this disease.  If you want that help you can have it.  All you have to do is ask.

DAD

To me a dad is that man that held me when I was small and said that everything will be okay.

That person that took you here and there just because you wanted to go with daddy.

He is the person that got the splinter out of foot or hand and kissed it to make it better.

The person, that when you are running around outside and step on a bee, gets the stringer out and put something on it to stop the hurt.

That person that took you to baseball and football games and took the time to explain the rules so that you could understand the game.

He is the person that came to events  you  were in and was proud of you no matter what the out come.

That person that always made you feel special and safe just by the smile on his face.

A dad is the first person your date meets at the front door and the last person you see as you are leaving, with that stern look of the need to protect you from this guy and every guy.

He is the first man to see you all dolled up and ready to go to the prom and makes you feel like "a little princess."

The man that, when that boy who wants to ask for your hand in marriage, is a little sad and happy all at the same time.  You are growing up and he is missing his sidekick.

A dad is that person that walks you down the aisle at your wedding, giving you to the new man he hopes that will protect you, makes you laugh, and will be there for you like he was.

Dad is that man that lights up when you introduce him to the newest addition to the family and now he has grandchildren.

A dad is that man that is there when nothing in life seems to be going right.  To give you the support and guidance you need.

My dad, is now getting up there in age, moves much slower than ever before, set in his ways and thinking, and is still there when I need him to be.

My dad, I know, will not be here with me forever and I cry inside to see him slowing down.  It is killing him from the inside out.

My dad, yes, has been these things to me, as yours has to you.  Dad's love their daughters and sons.  They want nothing but the best for them. 

My dad has lived and experienced and shared so much with me, my respect and gratitude are overflowing.  He has been there for the good, the bad and the indifferent.  He can be as strong as the lion protecting his cub and as sweet as a newborn baby's smile.

I love you daddy!  Happy Fathers Day!

Love, your baby girl.

Where Are My TV Shows Going???

So, I am a person that really enjoys watching movies and TV shows. I have my own little list of programs that I enjoy watching every week. Different programs on different days!

Now, here is what I don't really get, but in a way I do. Why is it that the "good" shows are only shown through the fall and winter months? You know, you start watching one show on a certain channel and then before you know it you have a show or two every night of the week, except maybe not on Saturday. Why is that? Why can't the TV stations show part of the good stuff all year round? They could stop having two or three good shows on the same night. Show just one and save the others for the spring and summer months.

Not knowing why they schedule things the way they do, I can only  guess at the reasons. One reason, and really the only thing I can thing of is that folks normally take their vacations in the spring and summer months. That may cause a drop in ratings for a show. Most folks are not going to be worry about missing their shows when they go on vacation. You think?

Any way, taking into consideration that most folks are on cable or satellite, and most have a VCR or DVR, the argument for the spring and summer months seem to not hold as much weight. Plus, cable has a Prime time on demand station and you can watch all you favorites whenever you like. So, now I am back to square one, why can't the TV stations line up their programming so that you can see at least one good show every night?

Then there is the dreadful "cancellation " of one of your favorites and you will never see it again, only reruns from here on out. For example "CSI: Miami" has been canceled but it wasn't until after the season finale had aired that the word came out it would not be back next fall due to ratings. What? Not be back? But what about Callie and her new life as a mother? What about that girl that was new in the lab? Last we saw of her she was packing a bag and leaving. What is Ryan going to do when he finds her gone? The questions that he feels she holds the answers to, what about that? What about all of this?

My feeling, and I know there are others out there that feel the same way, they need to at least have an episode or two to tie up the lose ends, new story lines that had just started. The network, not the stations, has let it most valuable possession, the viewer, hanging like a cat hanging in a tree holding on because it's not sure what is going to happen if it lets go! How can people continue to have faith in the network/station that appears not to really care what it's audience feels.

Is it too much to ask that they at least tie up the loose ends the show has? Are there others of you that have experienced the same thing just with a different show and/or TV networks? So, I guess I will sit and wonder for the next 3 - 4 months what I will be watching on the TV or at least until the fall season starts back up. It will be there that I have to really look at what is on and what I am going to be watching. My understanding is that there are going to be several new shows coming out this fall.

Until then or the next program/movie I watch, I'll close for now. Please remember that this is just my opinion, for what it is worth.. Later...

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Congratulations Kings Mountain High School Class of 2012!

This post is for those students graduating from my hometown high school, Kings Mountain Senior High School.  Hope you take this to heart in the spirit it is given in:

Congratulations to you all!  May tomorrow be the start of another amazing journey for you all.  It is now time that you meet the "real world" loaded with all the excitement and entertainment you can handle and then some. 

There are some different roads to take from here.  One is going on to strengthening your education with college.  Others will be going straight into the work force.  And still there are others who will wonder aimlessly as they have for most of their lives and never really do anything with their life except  waste it.

To those that will go on to college.  As I have learned from my daughter and her years at college, make sure you have plenty of Romaine noddles packed.  My understanding is you  will not be able to survive without them.  Make sure that you have requested from a number of folks that they would make great graduation presents.  Next, plenty of lounging pants (for those that don't know - pj bottoms) and t-shirts that are 3 times larger than you really need.  These items will make up the largest part of your wardrobe, as you can do anything you like dressed in them.  For example,  sleep, go to class, run to the store for more noodles, etc.  No one will even notice as this seems to be the actual dress code at most colleges.

Moving on, you will need some flip flops. Nothing expensive.  Ones from the dollar store will do just fine.  Make sure to get several pair and all the same color, that way when you blow one out, you have a replacement on hand.  And let's not forget the laundry basket and detergent.  No you will not be doing laundry, it just helps for those visits home to have a supply just in case mom is running low.

You have made it this far graduate, it may not be an easy road ahead but be strong, willing and always remain teachable no matter what education level you reach.  Your families and friends love you and will miss you as you will love and miss them, but this is all part of that "becoming an adult thing" you have heard so much about.  For this will be a pleasant journey filled with wonderful memories.  Stories to talk about when you get older and have reunions with the folks you grew up with and that know you best.

I would like to say "Congratulations to you all".  You are at the start of the rest of your life.  Though the items lists above are all in kidding with you, some do hold true.  May you find what it is in life that you are looking for.  May God bless you and keep you safe.  It may be scary at times and maybe lonesome, but you will get through it and hopefully grow from those experiences to become stronger and wiser.  Life lessons are hard and most of us don't want to do what is required to learn them.  You are in charge of your own path through life now.  What you do with it is up to you.  Choose wisely as you may never be able to change and do something different.

Again, Congratulations and may God bless you on this new phase of life you are entering.

Life...

What a beautiful day it is.  The sun is shinning bright with a small breeze blowing.  Birds are sing and the squirrels are running around and playing.  Neighbor's are cutting grass and it smells so good.

While surfing the web, Facebook, the past few weeks, I have noticed that their have been several folks that are now home with their God.  On the other hand, lots of little boys and girls have arrived and are getting ready to take hold of the world.

Things are just as the should be.  Everyone has their trails and triumphs each day.  There are things that are happening in all of our lives.  We may not know why, at this point, but rest assured that one day will we know and understand it all.

God is good.  He never puts more on my plate than I can handle.  I don't always see it that way, but I know it's true.  He has been and will always be for me.  Either walking at my side or, when needed, carrying me along my path. 

People come and go out of our lives for a reason.  We go through so many events, just in one day, sometimes it is hard to keep up.  You should be learning from them in some way.  We be thanking God for the people He sends and the experiences we have.  Sometimes it is really hard to accept things the way they are.  We, for some reason, think if something is not the way we want it or the way we think it should be, that we can change it.

Maybe somethings we can.  For the most part, this is just my experience, they can't be changed.  We must try to understand and learn for that is why these things, people, events take place.  The path that we are to go down is somewhat up to us.  We make the decision to do the things we do.

God gives us choices and through those choices we make of lives.  Who we are, what we are and where we want to head from one choice to the other.  Sometimes our choices are good ones and that is where learning from life stems from.  Living life on life's terms can get very, very difficult at times.


So, just for today, I will try to see what God is trying to teach me and will learn all that I can from that for I may not get another chance.  I will examine closely that choices that I have and do my very best in making that choice which the most growth will come from.  I will face today with an open heart and open mind and remain teachable as I go through to the other side.

God is so very good.  Sometimes we just need to slow down and look around and breath slowly to let it all sink in.  Then move calmly forward with the knowledge that you have made the right choice.  Take each day, event, hour, minute at a time and deal with them to the best of your ability.  Life is wonderful and amazing.  Enjoy, don't let things past you by, for once they have gone, they may never come again.

Be Prepared for the Gifts God Sends

Awake but sleepy eyed, I head toward the kitchen for my first cup of coffee for the day.  The rich, strong smell of coffee, loved it.  Pouring a cup, I reach for the sugar jar to sweeten just a bit.  Out to the back porch I go, to enjoy the beginnings of a new day God has given us.

There I sit.  Coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other.  Squirrels are running around, birds singing and chasing each other from one tree to the next.  My eyes are closed as I drink in the sounds of a new day beginning and the rich, hearty taste of coffee.

"God, thank you for this day.  Thank you for allowing me to wake and have the ability to enjoy Your world waking.  Thank you for the ability to see, hear and taste all the wonders of this morning.  Thank you God for just...loving me, comforting me, protecting me, and teaching me a little bit of life."

The sun is peaking through the trees and there is a light breeze rustling the leafs on the trees.  Smells of wild flowers, roses, and day lilies fill the air.  Bees are buzzing from one flower to the next.  Here I sit on the back porch with my  coffee, praying that this time, this moment could be kept to inspire each time a new morning comes.  What a wonderful gift that would be.

Be thankful for what you have for there are many that have nothing and I mean nothing.  They don't have a warm comfortable bed, a roof over their heads, food to eat, and very few clothes to dress themselves in.  Each day they wake up, they put one foot in front of the other and face their day God has given them.

Learn to be humble, smile more, laugh much more as that is the fuel of the soul.  As one man has said, "laughter is the only thing that we all did before we could speak, eat or walk.  It is a universal language that all understand."  My experience has shown me that if I face my day with a grim outlook,  then that is what I will get.  On the other hand, if I face my day with a smile on my face, joy in my heart and laughter on the tip of my tongue the day is indescribable.

There is a smile across my face as I sit here and write this because I know someone out there will read this and understand.  That is why this blog is so important to me.  I can post this and know that the person that needed to hear these words will see them and they will read them.  And that in and of itself will be all they need to get through today.  Some may be able to get through a week, or a month, who knows?

I do know that my posts are for a reason.  A reason that I do not fully understand myself.  All I know is that a thought runs across my mind and when I can't shake it's feelings, a new post is born.

Please remember that when you are going through, whatever it may be, that you will always have God on your side to see you through the storm and deliver you safely to the other side.  Through this process you become strong, more understanding and caring for others.

I do hope that I have touch your heart in some way.  If not today, maybe next time.  You never know when you will read or hear what you need.  You may not know what to do with it when you do hear or read it.  So, go slower through life.  Enjoy every single moment as if it were you last.  Love, laugh and grow.  Be prepared for what God may have for you...

Life on Life's Terms

Sitting here thinking I need to do another post.  It has been several days since my last post.  Am sorry for that, but this has been a somewhat hard week for me.  It all started last Friday.

Last Friday night, I attended a birthday celebration for a few friends of mine.  There were lots of folks there and I still have my moments of high anxiety in crowds.  Sitting where I would not be around lots of folks, I thought that I would be okay.  So the evening progressed, I could feel my anxiety rising higher and higher.

Doing what I could to keep my distance from the crowd, a few of my friends noticed that something was wrong.  You see, when my anxiety goes up my body starts to get tense all over and that causes my fibromyalgia to kick in even more so.  There was not a place on my body that was not hurting midway through the night and I could not hide the pain from showing on my face.

Luckily, I made it through the rest of the evening and was able help to close up after everyone left.  Spent most of the weekend on the heating pad as that helps more than anything.  The only thing that helps me to get over an event like this is rest and the heating pad.

When Monday rolled around, I still didn't feel very well.  Knowing that I need to get ready and go with some of my friends, that's what I did.  Just to sitting around and talking.  Have some coffee with good conversation.  That is what I need, I thought to myself, just good friends to talk to and a couple of cups of good coffee.

Unfortunately I did not realize just how much Friday night did me in.  Sitting, listening to friends share and drinking my coffee, the longer I sat there the more both my upper arms ached.  It felt like the pain was coming from inside the bone and radiating outward.  And of course, this once again caused me to tense up and started hurting in other areas of my body because of it.

My friends were very concerned as I left earlier than normal.  I explained that I had starting hurting again and I felt that the best thing was to head on to the house.  Made my goodbyes and as soon as I got home, on the heating pad I went.  One hour on, one hour off. 

As Wednesday rolled around, I really was feeling lots better.  So I decided to meet with some of the same friends as earlier and do some catching up.  We sat around for a little over an hour just talking about things that had happen during the week and what some were going to be doing this weekend.  As we were saying our goodbyes, a few of them each came up to me asking if I was okay and they were there if I needed help.  Trying to explain where I was and how it was with the pain that I have is not very easy.  You see, I look as if there is nothing wrong with me.  Other than extra weight, I appear to be happy and healthy.

Fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, solid edema and overweight, all are health issues that cannot be seen.  The overweight issue is really not too noticeable until you know exactly how much I do weight.  So there are a lot of folks, even family members, that think I am not really sick or hurting like I describe simply because I don't "LOOK" sick.

I try my best not to complain.  That only brings me down and it really makes the pain worse.  I try to keep a positive attitude about everything, especially my health.  Not that person that you know that will poor mouth themselves just to get attention.  I don't want people always asking if I am okay, what is wrong, why can't your doctors do something for you, and so on.  It is what it is and I accept that.

I know that everyday of my life from here on out that I am going to hurt.  I am going to get depressed easier than most would.  There are lots of things that I truly enjoyed doing that I no longer am able to enjoy.  I have had to humble myself and ask for help in areas of my life that at one time I took pride in being able to do.

Humbling myself to the point that I had to ask my mom and dad to let me move back home so that I would have a roof over my head and someone to help me with things, expenses that I have.  Unable to work, I have no income at all.  Am fighting to get my disability started.  It is and has been a long hard road and most of the time, you will never and I mean NEVER hear me complain, poor mouth myself.  When asked how I am feeling most days folks hear, just for today I am okay.

Now, I am not writing all this for sympathy.  This is in hopes that if  you or someone you know, someone you love or are close with has any of these issues, they are real.  That person is telling you the truth.  There are good days and not such a good day.  And yes, there are really very bad days.

Again, if you know someone that has health issues that they are dealing with, please be understanding.  Be kind to them,  Try to help them without making them feel like they are a burden.  You will find that most folks that have health issues that you cannot see, really hurt more than you could ever imagine.  They are like me, tired of folks saying "you look okay", "why can't you work, you look fine", "why can't you get those weeds of of the flower bed, your not sick", and so on.  Those statements are so trying and frustrating.  No, I don't look sick, but I am.

This has turned out to be a bit longer than I first thought it would be.  But now you understand where some of the things that you will see and have seen that I post, really do come from my heart and things that I just cannot understand why it is what it is.  In each and every post I try to write just about how I feel about the subject.  How it affects me, what I do to deal with the subject if need be, just my opinion really, nothing more.  There will be facts sometimes and I do my best to list those as well.

So, I am stepping down from my soap box and closing with this:  Though I may look as if I haven't a care in the world, I may be crying on the inside.  Be gentle, kind and caring.  Understand that I do what I can to ease my conditions, but that does not always take the pain away.  Remember I, too, am only human and I do have feelings that can be hurt just like anyone else.  Keep me in your prayers each day, along with anyone else that you know need them and even those folks that appear to need nothing.  Everyone needs someone to pray for them.  They may look as if they have it all, but I bet they don't.  You can't always tell a book by it's cover.  Most  you have to open up and explore the contents.  Get to know that book so that you will know and understand their needs, wants, hopes, and prayers.  Love them unconditional as God loves you.  We, the books that are not bright and beautiful on the outside, have tons of stuff on the inside for someone that is willing to share it with us.

Be kind.  Love with an open mind.  Be sincere and not hurtful.  We are just like you on the inside though we may not look it.  Pain is pain.  Do something for someone that you would want someone to do for you.  God bless and keep each one of you in His loving hands and comfort and protect you for all your days.