Okay, I am riding in the car with my sister and her daughter to go out to eat and catch a movie. There is really nothing special about our conversation until we start talking about me living with mom and dad, and how sometimes it isn't always a good thing that mom is there when things go bad. And I agreed.
If I get bad news or start hurting really bad, mom is the first person that helps me get through it. My sister was saying that was not always a good thing, which it's not. She stated that mom worries to much about me and that there are times when mom and dad need to take a trip out of town without me. And I agreed 100% with those statements. I know that I will not always have mom there in time of need and there will be a day that I will be living along.
You see, mom and dad had driven up to Blowing Rock Tuesday to go fishing with my oldest brother and some of his family. That is why my sister called to see if I wanted to go with her and her daughter.
So, as I am agreeing with all that my sister is saying, "Well, you should know by now what you need to do in times when you need help and support. You don't need to always count on mom to be there, because she won't always be there. But, there again, you have been involved in the Fellowship you attend long enough that you should really be able to do the right thing. There should not be a question of are you going to use over the pain you are in." Now, I do attend a 12 step program on a regular basis. I do have lots of folks that support me and help me with the disease of addiction.
I had to stop for a moment to try and figure out just how to get my sister to understand that there are and will be times that my addition is so strong that I do need someone to "babysit" me. So, my response to what she said was, "As I sit here and think about when my hip went out because of an attack of bursitis, I would love to be able to think and say Yes I would call someone to help me and be with me through that. But I have learned that I must to be honest with myself, if not with anyone else. I have the disease of addiction and the effects that it has on me are mentally, physically and spiritually. It can and will attack me a any given moment without warning."
"It attacks me at my lowest point and most times, I don't see it coming. Although it is a nice thought that I have a handle on it and can control it, that is not the way things are. My disease is like other diseases, it is incurable, crippling and fatal. And if I don't do what is necessary to try to keep it from flaring up, it will control my life once again." So, I am trying to explain how my disease of addiction works and effects my life to someone that is not an addict. She thinks that I should know what to do and how to do in situations that would have caused me to use in the past.
Now, I know that if any of you have ever had to do this it is not an easy task. After explaining, to the best of my ability about addiction, I told her this "Yes, I would love to say your right, I have been in recovery long enough now that I know what to do and how to do and I know that I would do the right thing, NOT USE. But knowing the disease of addiction, I can't do that. I have to be honest with you and myself, most of all, it would be a 50/50 shot as to what would happen. Either I do the right thing and call someone, or I'd give in and let my addiction start running the show again."
My sister appeared confused. She said she thought that was the reasoning behind me attending meeting, to learn have to control myself and my disease of addiction. And that is partly true. I am learning how to live life on "life's term". That is the thing, for me anyway, learning that life is going to show up and I can't stop it. Knowing how my disease works, trying to keep this on me and my experiences, I really don't know how I would react in a given situation. Yes, as I stated before, it would be really nice and easy to say "yea, I got this".
You see that is what my disease wants me to think. And the moment that I start to believe that, is the moment my disease shows up. Sitting here posting this I would really and truly love to say that "No, I would not use over anything, not even when the pain hits". That would be a lie. When I am in the middle, going through life on life's terms, is when my disease is at it's worst. Waiting on me. Preying on me. Making me look over my shoulder at every turn.
For me, and this is just trying to keep it real, I have to attend my meetings on a regular basis and do what is suggested. I can honestly say that I love life, my self-esteem is getting better everyday and I love myself. I feel that is the real key to this disease, learning to love myself. Once I figured that out, I love myself, then I know that I can be strong against my disease.
I don't think, there will ever come a time that I "don't" need to go to meetings. Again, I have to be honest about things. I have to stay in today. I cannot look forward too far into the future. Knowing these things, I will continue to do the footwork needed to go through life. I know that as long as I do the next right thing for the next right reason, all will be well. There is help for this disease. If you want that help you can have it. All you have to do is ask.
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