For me, this was big. Having to surrender to the disease of addiction? Are you crazy? I can beat this! I can't admit defeat, I won't!
Okay, now let's look at what "surrender" means. Some say surrender is to admit defeat. To give up absolutely; to put your hands up and quit fighting. Not having to fight anymore; to quit with no reservations. Oh, wait, what were those last ones? "Not having to fight anymore; to quit with NO RESERVATIONS!" Man, I didn't realize that this was "surrender".
I have to surrender to my disease, I have to admit that I cannot use any drug, in any amount, any way successfully! I have to "quit with NO RESERVATIONS"! Okay, but what exactly is a reservation? Webster's dictionary defines it as an act to set aside for future and/or special use; to put on hold until or to put back for one's self.
So, if I have reservations about surrendering to the disease of addiction, it won't work. I have to do it completely. I cannot hold on to anything or hold back anything. I have to give up on trying to use absolutely and completely.
I can't quit and say "Well, I'll stop for a little while and after I get to looking somewhat okay again, physically, maybe for a week or two. Just to get a handle on this. Then when I do use, it will only be on special occasions or just on the weekends. No more through the week using. So how many times do we tell ourselves this huge, enormous lie:? How many more times do we have to do the same things over and over again? Knowing that things are just going to go back to the way they were only I will get there faster and it will be worse than when I stopped? Till it gets stronger and harder to stop? So hard that we, or for me anyway, that I used when I really didn't want to!
So, when I surrendered to the disease of addiction I was admitting that I, under no circumstances, could I use successfully. That the disease was in control of my life not me. I surrendered and asked God to please delivery me from this pain and suffering.
It was not an easy task. There is no way I could have ever made it this far without surrendering completely, with no reservations what so ever. Also, I have a support network of women that are there for me 24/7 if I, or when I, need them.
If you are using, please look closely at your life. You may not be there yet but there will come a day, if you are an addict, that your life will no longer be your own. Sad, but true. But there is still a light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you have breathe in your body, you can quit. You may have to do it over and over and over again, because relapse can and is a part of recovery.
So, if you are unsure, look back over your life. Who or what has really been in control? There is help and all you have to do is ask for it. There are folks out there that will help you if you only ask. No one can help you until you help you.
If you are someone that is ready to try, please ask for the help. I am not saying that it is easy, by no means, but it is doable. That first step is always, in anything, the hardest step to take. No matter if it be drugs, a new job, or first date. That first step has to be taken and then just hang on for the ride. Life will and does get better. More than I could have ever dreamed of.
Today, I wake each morning and thank God for giving me one more day. I love my life today. I love myself today and I am worth the footwork that it takes to stay clean!!
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