After being in recovery for 3 years, I have learned that an addict can tell another addict fairly easy. My program has taught me that even if I were to move to help me stop using, I would just find new folks in that area to use and get drugs from. Most of the time a geographical change will not stop an addict who is not truly ready to stop using. So, basically, we addicts know each other where ever we may be in the world. We all have the same traits of the disease and that is one reason we are easily identified by another addict.
Addicts, I, are all self-centered and selfish people. We, I think only of myself and what I need. Putting my needs ahead of anyone else was the way my life was in active addiction. All addicts have this mind set. We think we are pros at manipulation and telling lies. Our minds run a hundred miles a minute thinking of ways and means to get more. Doesn't matter more what, just more. We isolate in order to use and think that no one will know. We think only of ourselves, disregarding the needs of our family members, husbands, wives, children. We live in a world that we have made for ourselves letting no one in.
To give an example of how an addicts mind works sometimes, I would like to share a story of an addict that has yet to say "I am an addict." This young lady has a family, husband and children, but she thinks only of herself. She has a mother that loves her dearly and loves her grandchildren, also. About a month ago, this addict called her mother and ask that she come and take her somewhere. When the mother question why could she not drive herself, she stated that she was wanting to go to a club where she knew she would be drinking and didn't want to drive home afterwards. Her mother told her that she could not do that. It would be enabling her and she just could not be a part of that. She had two children she needed to think of instead of only what she wanted.
Needless to say, the daughter was so upset that she has stopped all communications with her mother, even the children cannot talk to or see her. Being an addict, this is what we do. Better than anybody else. We cannot see the forest for the trees. Laying a guilt trip on her mother just because she would not be a part of her partying. Never thinking for a moment about what her mother was trying to tell her. She didn't need to be going off doing who knows what with who knows who. She had a husband, her children, her home she should be thinking of. Not thinking of going out to a club by herself just because she was upset with her husband. She was going to show him. She could do what she wanted to do. He was not going to stop her from going out and having a good time.
See, there is that self-centeredness, selfishness, and isolation. Blaming others for things she was doing. Not wanting to take responsibility for her actions. She told her mother that if she didn't come and take her where she wanted to go, then she would find another way to go. Telling her mother that she will be sorry if something were to happen to her. There's that guilt trip we addicts play as best we can. Her husband told her that if she left, she needed to find somewhere else to go instead of coming home. He had had enough. This angered her more. She stewed in her own anger and guilt, feeling as if no one loved her. No one wanted to be around her. She was such a bad person. She couldn't do anything right. Does any of this sound familiar to you?? Boy, it sure does to me.
I can remember trying to lay a guilt trip on whoever I could as long as I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted to do it and not answer for any of my actions. How could I be hurting anyone but myself? How you ask? People care and love me. People want to see me happy and successful in life. They didn't want to see me hurt myself. But I, nor any addict, can see this. Not until we have lost everything and everybody that mattered in our lives. I was fortunate that I went to my family asking for help. I stood up and answered for the things I had done. I accepted my part in my self-destructive actions. Answering for the lies, manipulation, and to some degree the abandonment of my responsibilities in life.
All I could think of was ways and means to get more. More what you ask, more of whatever would make me stop hurting. Hurting physically and mentally. I thank God everyday that He showed me my error in ways. That He gave me the strength to say "I need help, please." He has given me the spiritual principle of humility, so that I can ask for help when I need it. He has given me another chance in life. And believe you me, I do not take that lightly. I work, to the best of my ability, my recovery program each and everyday.
My life has changed in ways that I never thought possible. Just like this blog. My sister and brothers and my mom will tell you that they never knew that I was such a compassionate person. That I had the thoughts I have. That I can write down exactly how I feel, how I think, and what I hope to gain from different experiences that I have. You see, I finished school with maybe 5th or 6th grade reading level. Since entering into recovery I am now doing this blog, I read aloud in my 12 step program meetings. I can even stand up in front of people and read with out much problems. My vocabulary has increased and I am learning things now at 47 that I could not learn in school.
The only comfort that I have been able to give this mother is that she is not alone. My mom has had similar experiences with me or others in my family. I am a by-product of a long line of addicts on both my mom and my dad's side of the family. Mom and dad both have had dealings with addicts their whole life. Some of the addicts were their brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins and close friends.
The young lady will have to realize what she is doing to herself and her family before anyone can help her She has to see that she needs help and will not be able to do this on her own. I have prayed everyday for her and her family. I pray for her mother, as she is a friend of my family. It is very sad when you can see someones self-destructive ways and they can't or at least they will not admit to it.. Yes, this is a sad situation and ever more so knowing what she needs but having no way to make her get help.
I can only carry a message that the saying "Once an addict, always an addict" no longer holds true today. There are 12 step programs that have and continue to help millions of people everyday. My recovery is a day at a time process. I know that my yesterday is gone, my tomorrow is not promised and my day is here and now. What I choose to do in the span of that day is entirely on me. If I waste it away, I cannot blame anyone but myself. If I choose to use this day in a productive way, then I feel I have every right to feel proud of myself.
After reading this, please if you or someone you know are having difficulties this holiday season, encourage them to seek help. It is out there, all that is required is the willingness on their part to ask for it and then listen and follow simple direction. We addicts are very complicated people, but our recovery program is very simple, just don't use. Talk to someone. Try something different. You know if you continue to do the same thing over and over again, you are going to continue to get the same results. Time and time again. The disease of addiction is just that a disease. And as with other diseases, addiction can be arrested and a new life can come from it. We addicts are not bad people, though we may have done some bad things. We can and do change. You can believe this or not. I have no control over anyone but myself today and that's enough.
I do hope this young lady reads this and maybe it will get her to thinking about what she has done. Now, for those that read my blog on a regular basis know that I sometimes mix things up a bit. This is to protect the person or persons that I may be referring to, as well as myself. There are some things about this story that were added just to protect the person or persons in this situation. I can only hope that when, if they read this, they realize that it is them and something will click. Not all addicts get the recovery they need. Some continue on in active addictions. Others lose their fight to the disease and die without ever knowing they could have done something different. Then there are the ones like me, that have found that new way of life, new way of thinking, new way of doing things. Life gets better when you find recovery. For me, it has been the best thing, short of giving birth to my daughter, in my life.
I grew up in an addictive home. Things were stacked against me from day one. I did not give in to active addiction until I was in my 30's. But that is my story. Lots of addicts start using well before they are even teenagers. We all have to learn how to live. Get clarity on the principles in life and apply them to ourselves on a daily basis. That is key. We must first admit that we have a problem. Then and only then can recovery become possible.
As always, thank you for your time and your support. Please don't forget the resource page for those who are looking for help for yourself or someone you love.
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